Subscribe to this blog's feedWhile at work today, outside smoking with some guys from the warehouse, one of them said to me “You always look like your angry, unhappy. Is there something going on?”
WOW! I would not have imagined that simple little statement having such an affect on me! I had to step back and recover before I responded to him.
He is right. I am angry, unhappy, and miserable even. Who knew that it was so apparent that it showed on my face?
I realized that I rarely smile anymore. Laughing has become an event instead of a something that used to come naturally. And it’s not all about having HIV. HIV is something I rarely think about lately. It’s more about the state of my life, the state of my “consciousness”. I find no joy in anything anymore, or at least I allow no joy to enter my life. I find ways to turn good things into problems. Everything I do seems like a chore or an unpleasant task. EVERYTHING irritates me. What the hell has happened to me?
I used to be the one everyone was drawn to, now it seems as if people go out of their way to avoid spending time with me, and I seriously can not blame them. Hell, I don’t even want to be around me anymore!
I’m considering antidepressants. Although I know they are not the panacea, I think they will help me move in the right direction. I don’t have an issue with taking them, I just wish I didn’t have to. I’ve tried therapy, but I have never really been able to fully open up which I’m pretty sure defeats the purpose of going!
I just feel nothing. Empty, hollow. You know how people say that recognizing something is the first step to correcting it? Well, yeah, no that ain’t working for me.
Comments (3)
Hi sweety, I think i understand you... and well.... i have been there too... what happened to me is that i was very focused on what "i should" do, how "i should" take this, the exemple "i should" deliver to others and so on... that ended up making me unhappy... because i was once more not being myself, but felt pushed to reach an standard of exemple to others... because i decided to expose my life as hiv+ and others were "expecting" i would be... a star shinning for them.
One day i decided i am not a star, i am just myself, and took some time to do what i wanted to do... or not to do what i don't want to do... without expectations.... just forget that all my friends were expecting me to be "ok". One day i just said... i feel unhappy so i will step back and see what makes me happy right now... and so far it is to start gardening (strange isn't it?). But it makes me happy... i feel it is not totally hiv related (i grow a dulcamara which is a plant originally from here supposed to be a good inmuno modulator) but much more important, i feel i am helping a bit against the global warming, i am doing something i used to love when i was a child... i am re finding myself. And that made me happy.... now if this plant would grow faster and shows its face.... (it is so small that it is still under earth).
I understand you... give yourself the freedom to be happy if you want to and not to be happy if you don't want to... never worry about fulfilling other's expectations, this is your life and you have the right to live it in the way you want to. Now you realised you have something... next step is doing something, a step to change it (they always forget to mention it). I trust you and i know you will be fine. Hugs
Posted by Juan Carlos | May 19, 2007 8:59 PM
Posted on May 19, 2007 20:59
Hello to my favorite blogger of an excellent bunch ;0)
Well, I have been told the same thing by someone at work. He may be right, since I have been so stressed, ESPECIALLY at work, that I just don't have the energy to smile anymore (or to put on makeup, buy new clothes, and act all pretty and girly). Having said that, the guy who said that to me is a tedious dork (he is!).
So now in your sensitive state it's really easy to internalize what your collegue said, but the truth is somewhere is the middle, probably you smile/laugh less, because you are sadder, more anxious, preoccupied - after all you were diagnosed with HIV and the whole ordeal with your ex - and probabaly, your collegue is quite insensitive, I know I wouldn't say something like that. Even before my diagnosis I always hated when people make comments like "you look so tired", or, "why the lond face?". You know the type... those people who are always scanning to see how their collegues are doing so they can compare better, "so, are you REALLY NERVOUS about your presentation?". So don't sweat it Lisa, it's probabaly a combination of you being somewhat more grave and him being somewhat of a busybody...... and I don't know a single person who would feel good, or NOT start to question themselves, if you went up to them and said "oh, you look so tired/rundown/stressed/have you been ill?", if you don't believe me try it sometime.... I am not saying "it's him not you", I am just saying, there is more to life than just acting as a friendly decoration at the workplace.
Posted by Dragonette | May 20, 2007 10:26 AM
Posted on May 20, 2007 10:26
I wish I still lived in your town. I'd take you out for a coffee and a beer and just sit down and talk. I hate it when people make personal comments like "You look tired" too. It is peripheral and typical work talk. I'd pay it no mind, or say that you have crabs. If nothing else it would shut them up?
Love ya,
R
Posted by HIVworker | May 25, 2007 7:35 PM
Posted on May 25, 2007 19:35