Lisa's POZ Blog

My body does not like this virus.

It’s all about the numbers. People say “don’t pay attention to the numbers” yet it’s the first question they ask. “What are your numbers?” I know there are others out there whose numbers are not as good as mine, but these are MY numbers. Good, bad or indifferent, I still get freaked out.

When I was first diagnosed, my t-cells were 968 and I was at 56%. Everyone I told was like “OMG! Those are GREAT numbers!” It made me feel like I was okay. In fact, when disclosing to my friends, it was one of the “tools” I used to make them feel better. “Don’t worry” I’d say, “I probably have the same amount of t-cells as you and you’re not infected!” That would ease their mind to the state of my health as it did mine.

Since my first blood test, my t-cells to me have been steadily declining along with my percentage. My viral load has remained fairly consistent, not rising above 8k, but everyone says it’s all about the percentage and t-cells.

I went to the doctor on Friday for my regular 3 month check up. My t-cells dropped from 710 to 605 and my percentage went from 46% to 41%. I know, I know, those are still “great” numbers according to the world of HIV/AIDS, but in MY world it’s a HUGE change. To me, it is an indicator of how my body is handling this virus. Yes, I realize that t-cells can fluctuate depending on how you are feeling, what’s going on in your body, yadda, yadda, yadda. Still, my body no likey.

I have a limit. That limit for me is 450. When my t-cells hit 450, I am going to start meds. I want to keep the good ones, it’s too hard to create new t-cells. Thankfully it’s my decision to make, regardless of whether or not the doctor agrees. He doesn’t. Of course it is his “duty” to say things like “It will be years before you have to make the choice of going on meds” or “Don’t worry, you’re still within the normal range” I am SO far left of “normal” it ain’t even funny.

Time will tell I guess. I’ve got another 3 months before my next blood draw…….I’ll check Ebay to see if they are selling any t-cells, I mean hey! They sell everything don’t they?

Well, I took the plunge and started on antidepressants. I am taking Effexor and they had me start off slow and work my way up to 75mg a day.

The first two weeks were PURE HELL! I wish I had never read the pharmacy’s “precaution sheet” because I ended up having each and every one of them. WOW! This shit is POWERFUL!

The side effects have worn off, but I have yet to feel any sense of them working. I hear it takes a while, this is my first time. I just think it’s funny that I’m waiting to have a moment of euphoria or something. I’m actually not sure what to expect, whatever is supposed to happen, I just want it to happen soon.

I’m so tired of the funk. Tired of not wanting to leave the house, meet with friends, nothing, I do want to do anything.

I want to write about something happy. I want good news, something to look forward to, this shit is getting old, really old.

I’m not taking care of myself like I normally would. I have all but forgotten about my Diabetes other than to take my shot every morning. My doctor’s office keeps leaving me messages that I need to come in and I just don’t have the energy to be treated like an 8 year old and be told my sugars suck. Even though I am acting like an 8 year old, I don’t want to hear it.

I’m not looking for sympathy, just venting. I have pushed all my friends’ away, stopped going to my women’s HIV group and I am grumpy at work. I can only imagine what a joy I am to be around…………NOT

The worst part is, I went to try on bathing suits this weekend………..oh Jesus! Let’s just say I wish I knew how to binge and purge.