http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/ (a.k.a. "SDGirl" in our Community Forums) en Copyright 2008 Wed, 20 Feb 2008 19:32:32 -0800 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Well, tomorrow will be my two (2) year anniversary. Again, I thought it would be monumental, but in truth, it just isn’t. I’m more excited about watching Survivor tomorrow night then I am about having lived with this virus for the past two years. It’s just another day and no one will care or know so what real difference will it make in my life? None really. Turns out for me at least, it is manageable and for the time being not very consequential, I know that I am VERY lucky to have good health, good numbers and be what my doctors refer to as being a “long term slow progressor.” I know there are others who don’t have it as good as I do. I am truly fortunate. Well, two years down and with any luck, another 60+ or so to go. So, at 7:46am on February 21, 2008 I’ll say a little thanks to the HIV Gods and enjoy my Venti White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks in celebration of another year down. http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2008/02/through_the_yea.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2008/02/through_the_yea.html Wed, 20 Feb 2008 19:32:32 -0800 Happy New Year everyone. I hope that 2008 brings lots of joy, happiness and good health to you and yours. I haven’t blogged in a while, mostly due to the fact that I was receiving some pretty “nasty comments” from people who were attacking my character, my status and me. Needless to say, they weren’t pretty. Things have been going okay with me. Health is good, just had my blood drawn today and go back to the doctor on the 19th to find out my results. So far so good. I’m working at a new place that I started in October. It is an incredible opportunity that fell in my lap with LOTS more money but most importantly, for the first time, respect for my knowledge and capabilities. It is so refreshing yet strange to have people expect you to know things instead of being surprised that you do. For the first time, I think I really feel like an adult. Go figure, it only took me 43 years! My brain hurts from all of the thinking I have to do and when I get home at night, all I want to do is veg-out. The holidays were nice, not too much drama and thankfully they are almost over. My family is rarely without drama so having none is quite a surprise. The dating thing didn’t go so well. I met a few guys but when it really came down to it, they just couldn’t get over the “HIV thing” and I moved on. Hopefully this New Year will bring love back into my life. I really miss it. Hmm, let’s see have I updated you guys on everything? Oh yeah, the Effexor is working nicely. It has taken the edge off of my anger and the only side effects I have left are sudden break outs of sweat, but even those have lessened. Moe is still the best darn kitty ever and I thank God for having him in my life every damn day. The joys of pet ownership should be experienced by everyone! I’d post my Christmas picture of him and I but I’ve learned that posting pictures of myself is a no bueno thing as well. Amazing what having almost two (2) years under your belt teaches you! Not sure how soon I will blog again, but please know that for those of you that support me and blog, I truly appreciate you all. Take care http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/12/update.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/12/update.html Mon, 31 Dec 2007 13:53:50 -0800 Well, this sure isn't easy to do, but here it goes. I am a 43 year old single, attractive woman who was diagnosed as being HIV positive in February of 2006. No, I am not a prostitute, nor an IV drug user. I contracted it from my boyfriend of 2 years. I am healthy and asymptomatic. (that means I have no symptoms just in case you didn't understand) I will live a long and healthy life, sans this virus. I am ready to rejoin the dating world and I am hoping that the stigma associated with this virus has lost its momentum. I am smart, funny, active and quite a "catch" :) 5'7", 140lbs, dark hair, brown eyes, and sporting a very nice tan thanks to the beautiful weather we have been enjoying lately. I'm interested in friends first, I know that whoever responds to this ad will need some education on this virus and I have no problem with that. The more you know, the more you'll understand that you can't get it from kissing, hugging, toilet seats or sharing a drink. You be smart, funny and passionate. Passionate about love, life, family and friends. Enjoys going to the beach, hanging out in Balboa Park on a Sunday, Charger games and cool dive bars. I prefer men between the ages of 36 and 45. Let's see what happens! ]]> http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/09/i_took_the_plun.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/09/i_took_the_plun.html Mon, 10 Sep 2007 18:46:42 -0800 I’m not sure what to do. I’m over the “I was just diagnosed” phase of my virus. Lola is now a living breathing part of my life that I rarely think about anymore. So what excuse do I have now? I’ve used the “I’m fat” defense, vacillated with the “I’m not worthy” justification but none of it seems plausible any more. So what do I do to kick start my life again? I could always do what my mom suggests……”take a class honey” “lots of men take classes you can meet someone there.” Uh, yeah………no. I’m not just looking for a mate, I’m in need of some new friends. People I can hang out with, go to the beach, the mall, gossip on the phone, anything. Thanks to “letting go of my anger” through better living through chemicals, I really think that I am in a better place to be more receptive and open. I’m tired of doing things by myself. I’m tired of having meaningful conversations with my cat. I want someone who talks back, well, at least in a language I can understand and relate to. There are so many websites out there that offer all sorts of relationships. Friendfinders, SugarDaddyFinders, you name it, it’s out there. I’m tired of keys behind the computer screen meeting game. What ever happened to just meeting people the “normal” way? So here’s my question. What actually IS the “normal way?” I have to say, in all my retrospection, I have managed to go through A LOT of books, several new movies, lots of reality television, a couple of new restaurants, two tubes of sun tan oil and I now have a killer tan! Sans the book reading, all was done alone. Let me just say, that is WAY too much Lisa for one person!  I am getting out of the house more, which is a HUGE step for me. I haven’t cancelled any plans that I have made, kept up with all of my commitments even if I really didn’t want to go, I forced myself to and mostly had a good time when I did. I just want more. I am ready to admit that I actually deserve more. Do they sell “more” at Target? http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/09/moremoremore.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/09/moremoremore.html Tue, 04 Sep 2007 20:14:59 -0800 Evidently they are a big deal, because the crowd went wild! We waited in anticipation on the curbside spot we had staked claim to and all of the sudden, the roar of the engines could be heard, and then up they drove. WOW! Some were old, some were young, but I have to say, as a full fledge heterosexual woman, who loves her some penis, these women were HOT! There was something about the roar of the crowd, the women in leather that was very arousing to the senses. Okay, enough with the lesbian infatuation. The parade lasted a long while and then we walked over to the festival in the park. There were masses of beautiful people. And when I say beautiful people, I am talking about scantily clad men, who wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. Not a backwards glance, a nod, nothing. Now we are talking about men wearing no shirts, jeans with the ass cut out and muscles galore. Exquisite, chiseled, tanned and glistening. Yum-ee. Lots of stuff to see, lots of people to watch. I was in my element. Especially since I rarely get out of the house anymore. This was considered a BIG outing for me. We ate bad fair food that we paid way too much for and walked around browsing through the many booths. THEN we went to a section that you had to be at least 18 years old to enter. I was pretty excited about what I was about to see. It was a fairly small area with just a couple of booths. The first one a piercing place that had pictures of what you could get pierced. Who knew people pierced these parts of their bodies? Certainly not me, but I still looked at the pictures, cringing and grimacing the entire time. The next booth sold porn and had the actual stars of the video there. Young, nubile men with that “V” thing going on in the nether regions…..damn that “V” thing gets me every time. The place was swarming with men who wanted their pictures taken with them, so we moved on. Dirty and tired we came home, showered and crashed. The next morning, to round out the weekend, we went to a Gospel Drag Queen brunch at this place called Lips. Now come on, who doesn’t love a drag queen? All I really want to know is, where in the hell do they put their “junk” and how can I possibly get cleavage like they have? It was so much fun. I want to come back as a drag queen in my next life. Or maybe, a dyke on a bike, I can’t decide. ]]> http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/07/i_went_to_my_fi.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/07/i_went_to_my_fi.html Sun, 22 Jul 2007 21:05:16 -0800 ]]> http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/07/when_life_isnt.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/07/when_life_isnt.html Sat, 14 Jul 2007 11:44:37 -0800 Well, I took the plunge and started on antidepressants. I am taking Effexor and they had me start off slow and work my way up to 75mg a day. The first two weeks were PURE HELL! I wish I had never read the pharmacy’s “precaution sheet” because I ended up having each and every one of them. WOW! This shit is POWERFUL! The side effects have worn off, but I have yet to feel any sense of them working. I hear it takes a while, this is my first time. I just think it’s funny that I’m waiting to have a moment of euphoria or something. I’m actually not sure what to expect, whatever is supposed to happen, I just want it to happen soon. I’m so tired of the funk. Tired of not wanting to leave the house, meet with friends, nothing, I do want to do anything. I want to write about something happy. I want good news, something to look forward to, this shit is getting old, really old. I’m not taking care of myself like I normally would. I have all but forgotten about my Diabetes other than to take my shot every morning. My doctor’s office keeps leaving me messages that I need to come in and I just don’t have the energy to be treated like an 8 year old and be told my sugars suck. Even though I am acting like an 8 year old, I don’t want to hear it. I’m not looking for sympathy, just venting. I have pushed all my friends’ away, stopped going to my women’s HIV group and I am grumpy at work. I can only imagine what a joy I am to be around…………NOT The worst part is, I went to try on bathing suits this weekend………..oh Jesus! Let’s just say I wish I knew how to binge and purge. http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/06/better_living_t.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/06/better_living_t.html Mon, 25 Jun 2007 17:57:13 -0800 “What are your numbers?” I know there are others out there whose numbers are not as good as mine, but these are MY numbers. Good, bad or indifferent, I still get freaked out. When I was first diagnosed, my t-cells were 968 and I was at 56%. Everyone I told was like “OMG! Those are GREAT numbers!” It made me feel like I was okay. In fact, when disclosing to my friends, it was one of the “tools” I used to make them feel better. “Don’t worry” I’d say, “I probably have the same amount of t-cells as you and you’re not infected!” That would ease their mind to the state of my health as it did mine. Since my first blood test, my t-cells to me have been steadily declining along with my percentage. My viral load has remained fairly consistent, not rising above 8k, but everyone says it’s all about the percentage and t-cells. I went to the doctor on Friday for my regular 3 month check up. My t-cells dropped from 710 to 605 and my percentage went from 46% to 41%. I know, I know, those are still “great” numbers according to the world of HIV/AIDS, but in MY world it’s a HUGE change. To me, it is an indicator of how my body is handling this virus. Yes, I realize that t-cells can fluctuate depending on how you are feeling, what’s going on in your body, yadda, yadda, yadda. Still, my body no likey. I have a limit. That limit for me is 450. When my t-cells hit 450, I am going to start meds. I want to keep the good ones, it’s too hard to create new t-cells. Thankfully it’s my decision to make, regardless of whether or not the doctor agrees. He doesn’t. Of course it is his “duty” to say things like “It will be years before you have to make the choice of going on meds” or “Don’t worry, you’re still within the normal range” I am SO far left of “normal” it ain’t even funny. Time will tell I guess. I’ve got another 3 months before my next blood draw…….I’ll check Ebay to see if they are selling any t-cells, I mean hey! They sell everything don’t they? ]]> http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/06/the_numbers_gam.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/06/the_numbers_gam.html Sat, 02 Jun 2007 08:13:23 -0800 I allow no joy to enter my life. I find ways to turn good things into problems. Everything I do seems like a chore or an unpleasant task. EVERYTHING irritates me. What the hell has happened to me? I used to be the one everyone was drawn to, now it seems as if people go out of their way to avoid spending time with me, and I seriously can not blame them. Hell, I don’t even want to be around me anymore! I’m considering antidepressants. Although I know they are not the panacea, I think they will help me move in the right direction. I don’t have an issue with taking them, I just wish I didn’t have to. I’ve tried therapy, but I have never really been able to fully open up which I’m pretty sure defeats the purpose of going! I just feel nothing. Empty, hollow. You know how people say that recognizing something is the first step to correcting it? Well, yeah, no that ain’t working for me. ]]> http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/05/anger_issueshel.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/05/anger_issueshel.html Sat, 19 May 2007 20:14:36 -0800 ]]> http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/04/heres_the_skinn.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/04/heres_the_skinn.html Sat, 28 Apr 2007 19:05:10 -0800 Man, this virus sucks big green donkey dicks! It pisses me the fuck off. I met TWO beautiful, young vibrant women this week who were recently infected. Both have young children, both were betrayed by the men they loved and both are devastated. They have been walking around with this virus not knowing their status. SUCKS Why are we not shouting from the roof tops about this? Why is it not in the news more, why isn’t there mandatory testing? WHY-WHY-WHY? I guess I shouldn’t rant, if I didn’t have IT, I wouldn’t think twice about someone who I didn’t know having it, but shit! If there was mandatory testing, we would have a damn pandemic on our hands. That’s why there isn’t, no one wants that with an election coming up huh? STOP THE INSANITY! It kills me to meet newly infected people, yet at the same time I find comfort in knowing there are others out there just like me. I see that “look” in their faces when they tell their stories for the first time, in some cases, it’s the first time they have shared it with anyone else other than their doctor. I see their relief in seeing “others like them” and the comfort they feel knowing they are not alone. I was them, I remember it so clearly. Now I am looked to as someone who is knowledgeable and knowing, if they only knew. I’m just as scared as they are. When did I become the one people turn to about advice on this thing? Since when did I become the expert? I’m not, and they are not looking for expert advice from me. What they want to know is how they feel “normal” again? I wish I had an answer, shit, I’m still waiting myself. 22% of all new infections in San Diego are heterosexual women as of March 2007. Would I buy a shirt that was 22% off and feel like I was getting a good deal? Probably not. Do I think that 22% is a HUGE fucking number considering when I got diagnosed one year ago it was 12%? HELL YES! http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/04/this_shit_sucks.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/04/this_shit_sucks.html Tue, 10 Apr 2007 07:37:24 -0800 The thought of sex……well, to tell you the truth, I haven’t thought about sex in a long time, a very long time actually. What I do think about is the loss of intimacy in my life. I’m a “skin” girl. I love the smell of it, the feel of it and the taste of it. I’ve always liked to curl up against my man’s back and run by hand along his body, while my head was tucked in the nape of his neck breathing in his scent. Or, sitting on the couch watching television and just having the slightest bit of body contact, but it’s there and it felt intimate. Putting my hand on his leg while waiting for a table at a restaurant, using his knees as a back rest while sitting at the beach watching the sunset………intimacy. I feel almost as if I am asexual. Where there once this vibrant, passionate and sexual woman now stands an insecure, shy, diseased female. There is a survey on POZ that asks “Does HIV Make You Feel Less Sexy?” and when I read that I screamed “HELL FUCKING YES IT DOES!!” Because it does, maybe because for me, getting the virus relates to love and sex and the thought of either one makes my stomach flop. I hope that changes, and soon. I don’t even liked to be touched, a hug makes me cringe. Being in close proximity to someone makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. This includes men and woman. My personal space has become paramount in my life. I like to allow sufficient enough space between myself and whoever is around me so I feel at ease. I wasn’t like this before, just one more thing to add to this list of things that are no longer “normal” in my life since Lola came to live with me. http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/03/intimacy.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/03/intimacy.html Tue, 27 Mar 2007 19:15:52 -0800 Some people may call it depression, I like to refer to it as “hibernation”. It’s such a kinder, gentler word. You know, when you leave the house so rarely you can’t believe they put up a new stop sign on your main street? Yep, that really happened to me. I was “off” work for four months. Well, let’s not get it twisted, I was fired for having HIV, but I can’t prove that. I took care of business, grocery shopped, made sure Moe had food and litter and of course I always had cigarettes, but leaving the house was a major event. I showered, washed clothes but never put on make up and rarely did my hair. I became completely and utterly addicted to my DVR. It became my surrogate man. I found myself trying to fast forward live television to no avail. But all of that ended when my cable got shut off. I was DEVESTATED! OMG! Not my precious DVR………..but yes, sadly it was gone, for two entire months. Who knew that if I connected my cable directly into my television that I would get “basic” cable???? Obviously not me. No, I dug out the good old fashioned rabbit ears and had a whopping 4 channels, none of which were remotely even close to my precious life-sustaining digital cable. You’d think that would get my ass out of the house, but no. My house is my safe place. I know every inch of it, every noise, nuance and idiosyncrasy it has. I thought maybe I should go on anti-depressants. I did the whole “snap out of bitch” thing, and that didn’t work. And the anger……….OY! Was I angry. It was subtle, but I could spew venom like nobody’s business. I could cut somebody down with a few words and make them feel like crap and walk away thinking I provided them with some insight. Yeah right. The end result was I just pushed people away, which was the desired oucome, a pity party for one is much more satisfying. I would make plans and then find excuses to cancel them. I would suddenly “not feel very good” or “not have any money” so as not to inflict myself on anyone. If I did manage to get out of the house, I was completely on edge the entire time. My skin would crawl with anticipation of going home. Home, the only place I wanted to be. I lost social skills. I didn’t know how to interact with people anymore. Things that came to me naturally before suddenly seemed foreign. Being alone with a cat for four months will do that to a person. Then I landed a job. I thought that would cure what ailed me not even realizing that there were PEOPLE there! People who I had to interact with, manage, talk to even. Suffice to say, my first week was a complete and utter BUST! I managed in two days to alienate my entire team, most of which wanted to “jump ship” because some raving bitch was now their manager. So I regrouped. Well, not really, but I managed to keep the hibernation inside my head and not let it get out to the general public. A virtual “stepford wife in the corporate world.” Then I come home and I am able to be me again, the agro, bitch on wheels who never wants to leave the house again. http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/03/hibernating.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/03/hibernating.html Mon, 19 Mar 2007 19:54:32 -0800 I want my mommy. I want to lay my head in her lap and have her run her fingers through my hair like she did when I was a little girl. I want her to tell me that everything is going to be okay. Because when your mom tells you it will be okay, you somehow think it will be. Do you remember getting sick at school and having to go to the nurses office? They always called your mom, and when they did, they always gave you the phone so you could talk to her. Just hearing her voice made you feel sicker, cry harder and at the same time, you knew she would somehow come and rescue you. I’m the baby of five, and my mom had me fairly late in life. She was 38 years old when I was born and back in the day, that was unheard of. There are 11 years between the next sibling and I. When I was born, my mom was pretty much DONE with having kids and from what I’ve been told, my oldest sister pretty much raised me. I was like everyone’s little doll, blankets matched my dresses, never a hair out of place. My mom has carried around a sense of guilt when it came to me. She blamed herself for me getting Diabetes, and took responsibility for every bad thing that ever happened to me. She’s 80 years old and still works full time. She has a better social life than I have and is never home. She gets her hair, nails and toes done every two weeks without fail and is one of the most generous people I know. She is a real "pistol." I’m abnormally connected to her. We have an "attachment" to each other that even my siblings recognize. She is IT for me, my rock, and my one constant. I’ve always said that if God forbid anything ever happened to her, you’d have to lock me up in a padded room with a valium drip. For real, no joke……………I’d be lost, done. But I need her right now. I want to share my accomplishments and tell her my fears. I want to tell her I have HIV. I can’t. She would try and take the pain away and make it hers. She does that with everything. If I have a cold she worries can you imagine what would happen if she knew this? It's a mom thing, they just want to make it all better. Sometimes when she is telling me stories about what my brothers and sisters are going through, and how hard their situations are, I want to shout through the phone ‘WHAT ABOUT ME? I HAVE HIV AND THAT IS SO MUCH BIGGER THEN WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH!’ But it’s not a competition, and she doesn’t know, so instead I listen and bite my tongue. She’ll never know. If I told her, it would kill her. And yes, I know what you are going to say, "you'd be surprised how strong people are." But I will most likely outlive her and I can’t put her through any more of “Lisa’s life drama” believe me, she’s had her fill. It makes me sad that she will never know how brave I’ve been, how well I’ve handled everything and the things that I am accomplishing. She would be proud…………knowing that is a double edged sword. I still want my mommy. http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/03/i_want_my_mommy.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/03/i_want_my_mommy.html Wed, 07 Mar 2007 22:10:11 -0800 I attend a support group for women infected with HIV. I found it very early into my diagnosis. It’s a group of roughly 8-10 women, all of which have been living with this virus for a very long time. When I came along, I was somewhat of a novelty. It had been over 10 years since they had a new member join the group. The women are very “eclectic” and come from all walks of life. I remember sitting there the first time I went thinking “WOW! These women have paved the way for me to live a better life.” They have gone through the entire laundry list of medications that were available, experienced every side effect associated with them as well. Most of them have a minimum of 20 years under their belt. I’m not sure if you have realized this about me yet, but I’m kind of a force to be reckoned with. I have a strong personality, say what’s on my mind and I am VERY passionate about things that I believe in. This was a very new experience for the women in the support group. Most are fairly meek and mild and I found that over time, I could really control what was happening. That’s sounds awful I know, but they seem to hang on my every word, wait for my advice or ask for my opinion. I liked it. I also found that I was more educated then the women there and felt the need to help them. By help I mean, teach them how to use the computer, put them on a budget, and get them a better job. Thing is, they didn’t want that from me. There is one woman in my group named Doris. Doris always seemed sort of “off” to me. She is very nice, but I couldn’t pin point what exactly was wrong with her. I always reached out to her, I wanted to "fix" her. We had a Christmas party in December and did not meet again until February. In February, when I saw Doris, I couldn’t believe my eyes. She had lost probably 30lbs, and wasn’t heavy to begin with. I was very concerned and during our meeting, I asked her if something was wrong. She had a hard time articulating in general, but that night it was even worse. Something was wrong. When I got home that night, I called a couple of the other women from the group and said that we needed to help her. I was told that Doris had some things that she was doing that were not good, but it was her choice. All we could do was “be there for her.” Two days later, Doris’s daughters found her on her couch and they could not get her to wake up. She was admitted into the hospital in a diabetic coma. Two days after that, Doris was pronounced “brain dead” and moved to a hospice to die. She had a DNR on her charts and they kept her comfortable on a morphine drip, but basically she was starved to death, until her body decided it was time. Doris died on Wednesday, with her two daughters and son there by her side. I think that is what she wanted all along really. She always seemed so conflicted, things were always so hard for her. I didn’t go to the hospital. I had vowed that I would do everything I could to stay out of hospitals this year, since I spent half of last year there. I didn’t feel bad about not going, in truth, I didn’t really know her well, other than seeing her every second and fourth Monday, that was it. Doris didn’t die of any HIV related issues, which somehow is a relief to me. In fact, up until the day she passed, she remained undetectable with a tcell count of 300. No one can tell us why she did die, no rhyme or reason, she just lost the will to live I guess. I’m not sad. I believe that Doris has finally found some relief, some peace. I think she is finally happy, free of all that encumbered her. Rest in peace Doris. http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/03/not_all_of_us_n.html http://blogs.poz.com/lisablog/archives/2007/03/not_all_of_us_n.html Fri, 02 Mar 2007 17:52:00 -0800