Michelle's POZ Blog

I have to say things have been going pretty good in my little world. I have been in my apartment now for going on two months. Lucifer (my demon kitty) and I couldn't be happier. Despite the health issues I have, I am doing quite well. I think it has even surprised a few on how well I am doing and the fact that I don't let those issues hold me back anymore.

I have gotten rid of people in my life who seems to keep drama going. As the saying goes, "Misery loves company" but I am done being miserable. I have replaced them with people who actually give a damn about me and encourage me to better myself. Like I mentioned in my past blog entry, I am now going to a Women's Support group which has helped me tremendously. In the beginning, I barely talked, now you can hardly get me to shut up. And I have to thank my pretend hubby for that because without his little nudge I wouldn't have gone. I have to say that I am glad that I did.

Even my love life has gotten better, I have fallen in love----with MYSELF! And it shows, I think. I think I have a glow about me that I didn't have before. I always thought I needed a man to complete me and now I see that I don't. I love being independent and carefree. Oh sure, being human, who doesn't want a companion? And I do want one but on my terms, in a way, I do have one. We have been seeing each other for a few months now but we have not engaged in a relationship. I like to think what we have is an understanding. And I am good with that but most of all he encourages me to better myself and not just settle for anything.

I use to go by the handle of Queen Akasha, based on the character by Anne Rice, because she was known to be the Queen of the Damned. Back then with this virus, I felt like I was the living dead and my life was truly damned. To those newly infected who feels like their life is over---IT IS NOT. I'm not saying it is a cake walk and it is ok to feel what you are feeling but DON'T let it CONSUME you. We all have our process of dealing with this virus. A happy ending or I should say a happy beginning can happen if you allow it to. I mean realistically, it may still be some years before there is a cure but don't let this virus take over your life. Take back control of your life, you may not be able to do it alone, and that is fine. There is no shame in asking for help or getting support, it doesn't make you any less of a person. What it does make you is a stronger person in the long run. And you may be able to be there for someone else later on down the line.

Yesterday I attended my first women's support group. It consisted of eight women including myself. We all had our stories and it amazed me how much they had in common with me.One of the ladies, I believe had been poz over sixteen years and another who had been newly diagonosed. At first, I was nervous about someone there knowing me but after about the first half hour of the meeting, they felt more like girlfriends I hadn't seen in years.

The conversation was about the thing that has been a personal demon in my life since I was diagnosed. The dreaded d- word also known as disclosure. These ladies understood my fears, accepted my views on it and embraced me without judgement. This was something I was not use to, usually when I opened up about my views, I would get slammed.

It caught me off guard and made me think just how far I have come with this virus. Most deal with the physical changes the virus can cause but with me, the changes were more emotional. The betrayal of my sisters was the thing that hurt me the most. My family has always been dysfunctional but I never thought my sisters could be that cruel. I actually thought they would be the ones I would get my support from. But instead I was betrayed, there was a lady in my group who went through the exact same thing with her sister. Our stories were so close that it was uncanny, right down to be being called "Aids infested bitches". When I heard that come out of her mouth, I was blown away and left speechless. Me being speechless doesn't happen often either.

I have come a long way baby, indeed. I have not forgiven my sisters for what they did nor do I think I ever will. But they no longer have the power to use this virus against me and have me wear it like a badge of dishonor. I have become stronger and my voice has gotten just a little bit louder. It started out as a whisper when I joined the forums. From there it became louder by doing this blog which I think is coming up on a year soon. Who knew I would have so much to say, right?

Who knows, one day you may just see me somewhere, saying...."Hello, My name is Michelle...I am HIV+ and I have a story to tell......"

As of late, my mind has been on HIV more than it normally is. Not because something is going on with my health, actually that area of my life is doing quite well except for a pinched nerve in my shoulder. But due to the lack of support here in my town for people with HIV. Don't get me wrong, my ASO is doing all they can and they have truly been a lifeline for me. I have come to realize that they can't do it alone.

I sat in on an advisory meeting today that kind of took my breath away. I had heard about these meetings before but today's meeting was the first time that people actually showed up other than those who plan the meetings. I listened to their stories which pulled at my heart but couldn't help but notice that other than myself there was only one other poz woman there. And that in itself was saying something. Both of us had something in common---betrayal by family. And we both were excited by the other for our own reasons, hers I think was because another woman showed up who was indeed like her. I, myself was excited by what we had in common but it opened my eyes to really see that I am needed. And I thought if this woman can make meetings without fear then why can't I?

While the meeting was going on, I was talking to a lovely lady who I will call M. I explained to her that I would like to help those who are newly diagnosed and women. I only wished back in '97 when I was diagnosed that I had someone to talk to who could relate to what I was feeling at that time. I know that the case managers at my ASO do what they can but being a woman and poz, I just feel like that in itself will make a little bit of a difference. Because when you are new to this virus and have a case manager, sometimes a newly diagnosed person can feel like the case manager is going through the motions or only do it because it is their job. I am not saying the case managers are like that, I know they are not but it took me awhile to see that they weren't. And sometimes it is easier to open up to someone who can relate to what you are going through. I feel that no one should have to go through this journey alone.

And my favorite saying is, "If I can reach out to just one person". I think I have done that with my blog and will continue to keep blogging. But I just think it will mean so much more if I can reach out to someone in my own community. I am hoping that my ASO will take me seriously in this and make me a Peer Advocate.

I'm not wanting to do this for any selfish reason or to put myself on a pedistool. Just after being a part of this meeting today, I can really see that I am needed. And the most important thing is that I want to help.

It was bound to happen, after reading a few of my fellow bloggers takes on the upcoming election, I had to put my two cents in. And to be honest, I am not involved in politics like most Americans. I usually sit on the sidelines, observe, and listen to others bitch. And in all my thirty-nine years, I have never voted. So add that as being another first besides a black man may end up being President or a female Vice-President.

With the Democratic and Republic Conventions now over, this coming election has been turned into a soap opera. And believe me, I have been tuning in and waiting eagerly for the plot to thicken. I am literally on the edge of my seat with a Pepsi in one hand and a bowl of popcorn in other.

I have also been paying attention to the signs that people have put in their yards. It would seem like the majority of the hood is going with Obama. In the beginning, I was going for Hillary, though I will admit not for the reasons most probably were. I was pondering the good old days back when Bill was in office. And wishing for those days again with Hillary. But when she lost to Obama, I was still reluctant to side with him. Not because I didn't think he would do a good job, I just didn't want to be responsible for him getting there then becoming a target. Remember what happened to Jesse Jackson back in the day. And he was only running for Vice President. And though, we as a country like to believe we have overcome prejudice, there are people out there who is not willing to accept a black man as President. This topic came up once in a thread in the Forums. Needless to say, I got a few tongue lashings for my views. I even think some felt I was being racist when all I was being was realistic.

And McCain, I am a bit baffled by him. I respect the fact that he was once a POW and he made it back alive. You have to give the man props for that. But what I don't understand is how he can condone this war? When he knows personally what it is like to be in one.

And another thing, the man is seventy-two years old. He basically has one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel. At that age, anything could happen. And you know Cindy, his wife knows this as well. She's just sitting back in the cut, waiting to get those seven houses her husband lost count on and all that money. And the media calling him a maverick for picking Palin, uh huh, that was Cindy putting that bug in McCain's ear. It's the perfect alibi, make it seem like he is trying to scoop up female Hillary supporters when in reality she's hoping her husband and Palin gets caught in the sack. Instant heart attack and she's one rich bit--er, I mean woman.

Ms. Palin needs no introduction with the drama frenzy she has unleashed. Just being nominated while being under investigation made my jaw hit the floor. And being in that little Alaskan town, I can see her using her power as Governor for evil doings. Who is going to question her? She's Governor and now that the spotlight is on her as Vice President, who is going to go against her? I predict she is going to win that case and whoever is on the losing team is going to get demoted or fired.

I may get some gripes about this, but what was she thinking getting pregnant at her age? I am not buying that it was a mistake crap. She knew she was still getting visits from Aunty Flo. And now she has a Down's Syndrome baby who she never seems to hold. That job got passed on to poor little Bristol, now they're scratching their heads wondering why the girl popped up pregnant. To make matters worse, she now has to marry the man or is it boy who knocked her up. Can we say "shotgun wedding"? I knew you could. I sure hope Ms. Palin makes good money as Governor because I foresee some serious therapy bills for Bristol.

That pretty much did it for me. I registered myself to vote, not sure if my little vote will make a difference. I just knew there was no way I could sit on the sidelines for this one. I will be a Democrat and I am voting for Obama. I just hope when he makes it to the White House he hires a bit more protection.

It's nice to finally not have anything to bitch about. As I like to say,"things are coming full circle". Issues have now been resolved and I feel at peace with things in my life now. I have noticed a few gray hairs have appeared but they have been earned and I wear them with pride.

Things here at home have been great. I love being independent, single and living alone. I thought I would have a problem with being single, but I have come to embrace it. I have started dating again too. Not really putting a lot of effort into it but I met someone. And so far, things are working out and I am good with that.

Medically things are good too. My resistance test came back negative so I can start my meds again. My body seemed to be holding its own, my cd4 is now at 805 from 775 and I am still undetectable. My blood sugar on the other hand took a dive so I have now started taking the Lantus shot. I was thinking I would have a problem injecting myself but it turned out to be easier than I thought. Hell, checking my blood sugars with my glucometer hurts more. I still haven't heard anything back from the CT scan but if it was anything serious, I would've gotten a call.

I have decided to join the Women's group that my ASO is putting together. I went yesterday and signed up. What was weird to me was the fact that everyone at my ASO seemed to know about it and they are excited about me joining. I almost felt like a celebrity signing an autograph instead of a release form. The woman who started the group seems to think that I will have a lot to offer the group. And that I will make a difference to one woman who was recently diagnosed. I hope that I will. But I can't help but to think how far I have come in regards to this virus.

I feel like I have reached another level in this journey called my life....

It is not often when I can say, "Today was a good day" but that is how I am feeling. Since I have begun my ritual of getting up early every day now, I have begun to see the beauty in things as well as the ugliness in some people. I try to analyze the ugliness of people, try to realize why I didn't notice it before and then just ignore it altogether. I refuse to let it affect me. But I am also learning to appreciate the beauty in things instead of just taking it for granted. And through the eyes of others I think I am needed. None of this probably makes sense now but I hope to clarify it all.

I will begin with the beauty in things. During the last year I felt disconnected from just about everything except my blogging. I always felt that there would be at least one person who read it that could actually relate to what I talk about. And by discussing my issues, that person may be able to find some sort of support. It has come to my attention that my blog is getting noticed and supported here at home. At first, I was not sure how to feel about that because I always kept my status on the down low and I still do. But the difference being when I kept it on the down low before, it was actually because I was ashamed of what people would think. Now, I really don't care what people think, it's about my privacy but at the same time I want people to know, if it will help someone. There has been so much misery in the past because of me having this virus. I want to destroy that memory and create a better one.

Earlier today while with a poz friend, we stopped at our ASO. After taking care of my business there, a case manager asked me if I would be interested in joining a women's group she plans on getting started. I think she may have been reading my blog but I don't know for sure. I think she feels that I have a lot to offer her group. At first the old instinct kicked in and I felt kind of defensive. But on the way home, I thought about it more and more. If I can sit here and blog for millions to see, what is a group of seven? I guess I can say I am considering it, though I think I need to discuss it with my husband. Not really my husband but a gay friend and we put on the charade of being married. Who also reads my blogs so after seeing this entry I am guaranteed to get a call...*wink*

Last but not least, the ugliness, this part is kind of personal because it was two people who I thought were my friends. But instead have become haters due to their jealousy and lies. I won't go into the details of it. I'm glad that things came to light when they did. At first, I was upset about it but then figured why give them the satisfaction. All they want to do is get attention and cause drama. If that's what they need in their lives in order for it to have meaning, all I can do is wish them well and separate myself from the madness.

Now that the dust has cleared, it is now time to deal with the doctors. I have been in such a tizzy that it has dawned on me that I need to get back on track with appointments. I am due to get the dreaded CT scan done again. The only reason I dread it is because I hate having to drink that barium shake and no matter what flavor it is, it is still nasty.

I am seeing six doctors at the moment. There is my primary doctor, ID doctor, two liver specialists, lung specialist and my gyn. This month alone I have given up countless vials of my blood and been poked so much that I feel like a pin cushion. Even the lab I go to was surprised to see me so often.

My primary kicked it off by wanting my A1C done, that is a test to tell how my diabetes has been over the last three months. Unfortunately, it was pretty high, at 8.1 and now I will be starting Lantus shots after attending a diabetes class. Not really a shocker because my primary warned me this would eventually happen. I am just grateful it is a once a day shot. I am not keen on the idea of sticking myself but I am sure I will get use to it just like I am now with pricking myself with my glucometer. Though I do not do it as often as I should but my doctor says once I start the shots, he wants me to check my fasting sugar every morning. I'm cool with anything that only has to be done once a day.

Next up was my ID doc, the one who really has gotten me use to getting blood drawn and getting shots. I had to do my usual cd4/viral load.But because I packed my meds away when I moved, I have been off my meds for almost a month now. That called for me getting a resistance test done and kind of stumped the lab I go to. I guess they don't get requests for that too often because they actually had to look it up to see what it was. I know I can't be the only poz person in my town or the only one who didn't adhere to their meds.

And how can I forget the "King of Pain", my liver specialist in Pittsburgh who is quite a lovely man but suckered me into giving up thirteen vials of blood for research besides what he needed to check my liver enzymes. I had the results sent to my primary who admitted he didn't understand half the results he seen and told me that some of my blood is still frozen. Not sure what that is about, maybe he is keeping it on ice for a vampire or something. I am suppose to see him sometime in September but I plan on canceling that appointment because if it was serious I would think I would have gotten a call by now. And I don't want to make the trip just to be told that everything is normal. With the price of gas these days, I think a call would be enough.

The second liver specialist and lung specialist kind of go together. The lung specialist ordered another CT scan for today but I changed the appointment to Friday because I am low on gas now and won't be able to get any until Friday. But with the scan being done, both doctors can get the results and then schedule a consultation. I guess this is just a precaution because when I got the first scan done, whatever is on my lung is was not cancer and not big enough to be concerned with doing a biopsy. He just wants to be sure whatever it is, is not getting any bigger. His guestimate was that it was probably a blood vessel and was surprised that the scan even picked it up since it was so small.

But my favorite of all is my gyn. I am due to get my semi annual Pap smear and usual depo shot. I think the reason I favor him most of all is because he keeps Aunty Flo from visiting and has balanced out my hormones which has made me a much nicer person. *LOL*

Things are finally calmed down since the move and the car becoming legal. Believe me when I tell you, it is a relief. Since moving to this place I think I have gotten the best sleep in I really don't know how long? I even get up early now, well early for me which is between nine and eleven. It's nice to be able to be up and greet the mailman at the door at nine-thirty. And since being here, I can pretty much set my clock to him.

I am actually enjoying living alone. No longer having to clean up behind other people, being able to stroll through the house skyclad (naked) and most of all, I love the peacefulness. And now that the storm has passed, I can begin to focus on other goals I have set for myself. I even made a list and put it on my refrigerator. I am in no rush to get through the list but as I complete each one, I will mark them off.

I have officially been in my new place seventeen days. Now it is time to get off my ass and start my other list which has to do with doctors appointments. I did make it in to see my primary last week which was the usual check up, to whine about paying homage to the porcelain goddess and let's not forget the annoying pinch I have seem to developed. And as usual, I had to get blood work done. During our session together, my doctor warned me that if my A1C comes back high, I will have to start taking insulin. I guess you know, I got a message from my doctor's office on Friday, telling me I need to see him tomorrow, bright and early. No problem, I am no longer that vampiric creature who stayed up all hours of the night. I am now the early bird, catching the worm.

I am really not even bothered with having to start taking the shot actually. My doctor told me long ago this would happen. I am just grateful that my sugar doesn't run high as some of the people in my family. I had been talking about starting to go to the Y for awhile now. All this tells me is that the time has come for me to do it. My goal is set for this too depending on what my bills look like next month. I know I can not afford a membership but I will pay for a guest pass which is sixty bucks a month. I consider it a warning, telling me to get my ass in gear. I have lost ten pounds already and weigh a nice thick one hundred and sixty-five pounds. My goal will be to lose twenty more, I think I would look good at one fourty-five. I am not trying to become the next Twiggy just healthier. And I already eat healthy so that is half the battle.

What is a bit frustrating for me is the fact that I can't ever seem to have a happy medium when it comes to my hiv and diabetes. When I am doing well with one, the other craps out. I really try not to bitch about it because I do realize how blessed I have been when in regards to both diseases. So now there is a third list or would it fall underneath the goal about the Y? I guess it would considering it is my health. I plan on losing twenty pounds and eventually quit smoking. I took the first step, I got the patches and I am running out of excuses for why I haven't quit.

It has been awhile since I have blogged due to moving into a new place and getting other things in order. It's good to be able to blog at least today that is. Since moving into my new apartment, I have not yet gotten my internet back on but it should be back on in a week or so. I am just happy that things have finally come full circle for me.

For those who have followed my blog since the beginning, you will remember that I did not really get along with my older sisters due to their spitefulness when it came to my virus. I hope you all are sitting down because I have a shocker, I now live downstairs from my oldest sister. If you would've asked me if I would live that close to her in the past, my answer would've been, " Hell No!" But funny how things change. We have been getting along just great and plan on taking a trip to visit our Uncle in Georgia next month. I have to admit that she has been great and has even spoiled me by giving me some things for my new apartment. I guess there is a God and we are finally acting like sisters instead of mortal enemies.

I love my new place and it is a great improvement from the money pit where I use to live. It's great to live alone again, well, I am not really alone, I still have my kitties which are my babies. Everything about moving to this place is great including the fact that I don't have to pay rent and have a driveway for my car.

Ah, yes, the car, the same one that was giving me major problems a few months ago. Since I last blogged, I had to replace the windshield, spark plugs, tires, fuel filter, various lights and even had a nice stereo system put in it. And as of today, it passed inspection and is now legal. Now all I want to do is burn rubber and let everyone within ear shot hear me coming from two blocks away!!!! And I didn't have to ask anyone for the money to fix it, I did it all myself. Well, I didn't fix it myself but I put my own money into it without having to ask for help from anyone. And believe me, that is a good feeling. Now I can't wait to put my "blue baby" on the highway and let her have her way. All I can say is picture me rolling!!!!!

I feel bad for neglecting my blog lately but I must admit that I have been busy. And I admit, that I like it. Things have been moving pretty fast for a hermit like me. I have still been working on making the car legal which it still has a few things to get done but hopefully that will be completed next week when it gets inspected. And it has taken a chunk of my time running to the junkyard for parts, learning about those parts, installing parts with help from friends and going to the notary to put the title in my name.

I also have been neglecting my diabetes. I have been taking my meds as usual but has been neglecting checking my sugars with my glucometer. I just haven't had the time but my internal meter has been letting me know when I need to eat or drink more water. I also had an appointment with my primary doctor. My A1C was a little high but my doctor is not worried because my past tests were good. But the diabetes was getting neglected because like I said, I haven't had the time to check my sugars and I was more concerned about my HIV . It's hard trying to juggle diabetes along with HIV, it seems I can never have a happy medium with either. When one is acting fine, the other is not.

I have been changing things in my diet like cutting back on the Pepsi and drinking more water. That seems to be my main problem when it comes to the diabetes because I always eat healthy. I have also made up my mind to stop smoking. My insurance won't cover the Chantix but I did get some nicotine patches. I bought one last carton of cigarettes, I think I am down to the last three packs. When those are gone, I will start with the patches. According to my doctor, every little bit helps.

I am also about to start packing things up to move out of my apartment. My landlord is letting me break my lease and I have been looking for another place. I do have a temporary spot but with just being accepted for Section 8, I need to find a place that falls under their guidelines. So, in reality things have only slowed down for the moment. But with all things, I take it one day at a time.