Michelle's POZ Blog

Let me introduce myself. In the Forums, I am known as Queen Akasha, the outspoken one. In the real world, folks call me Michelle. I am 38 years old, Black and Puerto Rican female who hails from Pennsylvania. I consider myself to be a laid back type of person really, but I’m known to speak my mind and at times I’m a bit blunt. I guess you can say that I am a homebody, not because of being poz, but simply because I have kind of been out there when it comes to partying. I’ve just chosen to live a quiet life nowadays. I don't really see much out there anymore that interests me.

Like any other person, I do have hobbies which consist of collecting movies and Playstation 2 games. Yes, females are into gaming if you didn't know. I prefer to play role playing games (RPGs) such as Final Fantasy and Resident Evil. The movies I collect consist of anything from horror to gangster movies.

I also spend a bit of time online, sometimes too much time, but most of it is spent in the Forums. I have been a member there now for a little over a year. The Forums are like my means of support and I’ve made quite a few friends since being there. I think I actually came across it like most - by doing a search - and I haven't left since. Honestly, I'm not sure what I would do if I didn't happen to come across them. There is not much in the way of support groups here where I am.

Now on to my story.

My bug comes from the Sunshine State or Miami, Florida, to be exact. I found out I was poz after going to the Health Dept for my usual STD check up after moving back home from Florida. This was around August of 1997 and at the time, I was living with my oldest sister. After doing the usual std tests, I never went back to the Health Dept to find out my results because when I was in Florida, I found out through a co-worker that my partner at the time was poz. I guess I just knew but didn't want to know, so the Health Dept came to me.

Like most who receive the dreaded news, I was in tears and because of this, I had to tell my older sister. That night, my sisters and I were suppose to be going out for a few drinks. My oldest sister suggested that I tell my other sister, which was against my better judgement because I didn't really get along with my other sister all that well. But, I figured, what the hell, maybe it will be the bond that will bring us closer together. I couldn't have been more wrong about that. Instead, my other sister used it as ammunition against me, telling anyone who knew me that would listen. But that is a story for another time.

The Health Dept put me in touch with my ASO and I was assigned a case manager. But even though they did that and I got my ID doctor, I barely made the clinic appointments. My case manager had to literally bribe me with food vouchers to make the appointments. After awhile, he weaned me off the food vouchers and I started going to the appointments on my own. I actually became quite fond of my case manager, who was gay, and could be quite comfortable around him. Comfortable to the point that we would cuss each other out, fondly, of course - not your typical case manager/client relationship - but it worked for me. He would actually share things about his life and I would do the same with him. I became quite fond of him and I like to think he became just as fond of me. His name was Jeff, but unfortunately, he passed away in an airplane crash back in 2005. I miss him dearly.

I have never lost anyone close to me from AIDS as many have, but I consider myself to be blessed or lucky. Not sure which, really, because it is now 2007 and after ten years without the meds, I had to start them recently in September. I am currently on Atripla and Ziagen. On Halloween, I had my last clinic appointment and around the beginning of November, I found out that my cd4 had gone from 215 to 265, my percentage jumped from 14 to 19 and my viral load went from 16,590 to undetectable. Personally, I don't believe in luck so I consider myself to be blessed. I have learned to never question my blessings and to just accept them.

I had to do a Part 2. If I didn't, how would you begin to understand the things that tend to happen in my world? Or even understand my thinking on certain things you may have seen me post about in the Forums or see here in the future. For now, I will continue to give some insight about me and my family. Now try to keep up, because it gets kind of confusing....

The Family---

I actually have 2 sets of family; Biological and Adopted. I was adopted at the tender age of 12 by a man who was dating my biological mother when she was pregnant with me. All I know of my biological father is his name and that he was born in Puerto Rico. As of this day, I do not even know if he knows of me or if he is even alive. My brother had seen him but not after the age of 6. Sad but true. So, when I speak of them in terms of the biological family, I will be speaking about my mother's children. My father's children will be the adopted side. But remember, even with the adopted side I have siblings from my adopted mother's side too. I will barely mention them though. Did you get all that? It may take you rereading it a few times for it to sink in. Both sides are quite dysfunctional. I am the next to the youngest of my biological family and the youngest on the adopted side.

Now if you remember in Part 1, I had spoken about having disclosed to my 2 older sisters. They are from the biological side of the tree. When I was in high school, I made the effort to get to know them and form some kind of bond, but I guess that bond really didn’t stick too well. I felt closer to my oldest sister than the other. The reason for this is because the other sister was always doing something to try to belittle me to others. This was even before I was diagnosed. Why? I wish I knew. Others in the family think it's some type of jealousy (in my sister's mind) due to my mother treating her lighter kids better than her darker ones. My sisters and I have different fathers (but my older sisters have the same father). The thinking on that just doesn't make sense to me because my mother was dark skinned like my sisters. My oldest sister was supportive towards me when I first found out I was poz but then that changed too. Why? I don't know that either. I love them because they are my sisters but I don't trust either of them as far as I can throw them. I talk to them from time to time. And sometimes the time between talking to them has turned into years.

I also have a brother and sister who live out of state. My brother lives in Georgia and my youngest sister lives in Florida. I know my brother knows my status because I have mentioned it to him when I go into angry tirades about my older sisters. I just think he chooses to ignore it. My youngest sister and I talk from time to time, but mainly through emails. I usually keep her updated on what is going on with me. She is the youngest at 26 and goes to college. She is also a lesbian but who cares about that; I am just proud of her. I am not sure if she knows my status but even if she did/does, I doubt very much that it would change anything between us. And that is the very short version about my family. The biological side that is.

The adopted side of my family I really don't see too much either. I have a sister who lives in Philadelphia. She usually comes into town every few years to visit the family on her mother's side. The last time I saw her was when we spread some of my father's ashes in Lake Erie after being cremated. My brother, who is the oldest on my father's side, I really don't see at all. I haven't seen him since about the same time as my sister. Will I ever see them? More than likely, probably not.

Hmmm, I guess it is time to talk about myself - something I have never been really good at. You already know the basics. I like to think of myself as a loner, which to me is not a bad thing. I do have a few friends and I mean few. I don't call many people my friends. You have to earn the right to be called that and most I consider to be acquaintances. I didn't choose to be this way; but was made this way by trusting those who were suppose to support me and those who I thought supported me. When I say support, I don't mean always agree with me but at least have my back. It was cold and hard lesson to learn but I learned it.

I would describe myself as a good person. I try to live my life as righteous as I possibly can and I have a few personal commandments that I live by. I don't follow the famous 10, that's just too damn many to remember. I’d like to think of myself as a somewhat spiritual person but I am not a Christian. I follow the Pagan ways and am a bit eclectic in my choice of paths. I give all their due respect unless given a reason not to.

I think I have given you enough for one night. I don't want to overload anyone. And a lady is always supposed to leave some things a mystery. ‘Til next time........

Here's more on getting to know more about me. Like everyone, I have a few pet peeves or things that just really set me off. One is having to repeat myself - which I will have to change since I am hearing impaired now and am often asking others to repeat themselves. The other is to insult my intelligence, which sends me into a fury. Someone had to take me to that point today. Allow me to explain....

I own a 1985 Chevy Caprice Classic; my very first car which I got 2 years ago. In March of this year I got into a car accident and I still say I got screwed. But that is another story. Due to the accident there is major damage to the rear passenger side of the car. After reporting the accident to the insurance companies, the guy who hit me found my car and tried to rip the front bumper off. Why? Because I was going to fight him on it and he knew that due to where the damage was on my car, I had him by the balls. But I had to let it go because I didn't have the money to fight. Another great thing about being poor and on disability!!!!

Now, let's fast forward to the present, shall we? My roomie's ex- roommate knows about my car and I guess was talking to a guy who works for a tow truck company. The guy has the same type of car as mine and was interested in buying it. The ex- room mate told the guy I would let the car go for $150. I really didn't want to because the engine was still in good condition but, since there was so much damage, I complied. Now why, when the guy gets here, he tries to buy the car for $80!!!!!! I was fucking livid - for a few reasons - and here's why…

First off, I remember this guy from a few years back when my ex and I had a 1984 Buick in great condition but the engine was blown. Not knowing any better back then, this guy played us and got that car for only $40. Now he agreed to buy my Caprice for $150 but then wants to try to play me a second time and only want to pay $80. He had me fucking twisted!!!! I should've won an Oscar for my acting because if you were to have seen my face, you would've never known just how pissed I actually was. Oh, I am fucking good, nah, check that, I am fucking great!!!!!!
But like the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me..."