Michelle's POZ Blog

There are times when I look back on my life and reflect on some of the choices I made. The ones easiest to spot are the bad choices, because if I knew then what I know now, I know my life would've been different. But what I often ask myself is; would I be the person that I am now? Not to toot my own horn, but I am happy being the person that I am now. Don't get it confused, I am not happy with the life I am living but, even with that, I can say I am content. I could be living a much worse life......

My thoughts were centered on things like that when a forum member, JRE started a thread simply titled "Will Rogers". I knew who Will Rogers was but I didn't know all the sayings he had, which was what JRE's thread was about. I took it as being very uncanny. The ones that hit home to be were about getting older...I'll give you the sayings and then my views on them.....

"Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it."

Most of my lying came into play when I was young and trying to get into bars. I don't have a problem with getting older. I don't mind the gray hairs coming either. My complaint with the gray hairs is the location. I wish they would focus on coming in more up north than down south.

I will be turning 39 in January. I guess I must be aging well because most tell me I don't look my age now. But my body reminds me of my age - and often. And I do brag about my age to people like my son and his friends. My son likes to call me old anyway. I always come back with the saying, "With age comes wisdom". I even have moments when I see myself acting like how my parents did when I was young. And I give them mad respect because I knew I was hellion back then but how this generation is now...Well, we all know.

“The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for."

This one really rings true. When I was a teenager, I loved going shopping and the mall was the place to be. That still hasn't changed. But now, I don't want to be in a store or in any kind of line any longer than I have to. This even includes going out to the bars. I don't want to have to wait 15 minutes to get a drink and an overpriced one at that. The situation can be resolved by simply buying what I like to drink and getting to drink more if I want. I even save money. The same thing applies to the movies. Why listen to someone's phone ringing (which should be on vibrate) or someone talking through the movie. I may not see it opening night but, buying the dvd, I won't have to worry about distracting noises. I still save waiting for the dvd. Have you seen the prices at the movies lately?

“You know you’re getting old, when everything dries up or leaks."

Thank the Goddess there haven't been any leaks. Let me forget to put some lotion on and my feet look as if they're going to shed their skin. This happens with my hands too. I am not sure if the dryness comes from being diabetic or getting older. The jury is still out on that one. But there little things I do like take a bath with baking soda and the use of pumice stones that seem to do the trick.

Even after thinking about those sayings, I still wonder how much time do I really have left. I know tomorrow is promised to no man but I can't help but wonder if this virus will cut short some of my time. I don't want to be jipped. I want to be able to age and die gracefully. But I wonder, is that even possible with this virus?

Romantical; I'm not even sure if that is a word. My spell check already has it underlined so it must not be. Despite what Mr. Spellcheck says, I like the word. I first heard it when watching the movie, To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. You know the one where Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, and John Leguizamo play drag queens. One of my favorite movies too.

Where this is all leading to is about the guy I have been dating for about a month now. If you keep up with the forums, the dating thread, you will notice that I mention him quite often. If you don't then let me give you the back story on Rico (the name I have given him in the dating thread). The first guy I have dated or been intimate with in over two years.

He is 31 years old, Puerto Rican and from another city in Pennsylvania. I first met him during the summer when he was at my friend's house. My friend is his ex sister-in law. I am still not clear on what made him move here... trying to be close to his son or thinking he was going to get back with his ex. And my friend is trying to help him get over her sister by introducing him to me after he inquired about who I was.

Rico really is a sweet guy. He can be funny and at times can also be shy. But he can also be too nice or easily played which I have seen his ex do to him when it comes to his son. Since we are not in a committed relationship, I try to stay out of it. I know he pays support to his ex for his son. I see how she uses their son in childish little games by allowing Rico to see him when she feels like it. But I also see how it stresses him. Indirectly, it also affects me. I have given him advice on what to do about the situation but he still lets her play her games. This is what I don't understand. Why should he be concerned about her feelings, when it is obvious that she doesn't give a damn about his feelings?

I want to say something to my friend who hooked us up but at the same time, I am not trying to get involved in all the drama. My life and my home is drama free. The last thing I need is to take on someone else's drama. That happened once when Rico came to visit me and his ex started blowing up his cell phone. After that episode, I told him when he comes to see me that he has to turn his phone off.

Sorry, I got to rambling. Let's move forward to today when I get a call from Rico. He actually called a few times. The first time, it was from some place loud. I am guessing it was my friend's place because she has 4 kids and it's never quiet. He called to see how I was doing and that he would call me when he got home. That call lasted about 3 minutes. Maybe about an hour later he calls me back but before we can even get into a conversation, he asked if he could call me back. I say sure but I'm getting a bit frustrated at the same time. Refusing to sit by the phone and wait for him to call, I go fix myself something to eat. When I get back to my room, I check my phone and see that he has called 3 times. I also see that there is a voice mail message so before calling him back, I check it. In his messages he sounds frantic, so I call him back but I get no answer. Before I can even put my phone down, he calls.

Still sounding frantic, he explains the reason that he ended the call was because his ex was calling. I wasn't thrilled to find that out but my thinking was it could have had something to do with his son.....WRONG!!!!! He goes on to tell me that his ex was cussing him out because my friend (the one who hooked us up) had told her that Rico and I go together. Hmmm, my first thought was “why was she so concerned if we did or didn't go together?” She has a married man as her man now. And why the hell did he even care what she thought?!? This brought about my internal RED ALERT signal. Does Rico still care or even worse, still love this woman?

Then he goes on to ask me if my friend called me. Uh, no...Well, if she does, don't answer the phone...Don't text her....I'll handle this, promise me....My response was....whatever....click... I hung up the phone. But my RED ALERT is still going strong....And I am not liking it....

Time for some good green and a glass of Arbor Mist.....

Well, here I am again and so soon. No surprise, really, considering my last entry. And who would've thought it could go from a word I got from a movie about drag queens, to a Toni Braxton song. Talk about extremes but anyhoo, here is the update on Rico since my last entry. It's over... I made the decision to end it.

I decided to end it after talking to my friend (the one who hooked us up) because she was telling me that Rico still tries to get her sister to take him back despite her being with another person. Even after telling me this, my friend still tried to tell me that Rico still cares about me. Just this past weekend, Rico told me that he loved me. Now my mind is going through all types of scenarios trying to piece together the most logical reason for his actions. The conclusion I came up with is that he thinks he loves us both. Honestly, even with that conclusion, I still feel it's a crock of shit. I don't believe a person can be in love with two people at the same time.

But, from what my friend has told me about her sister, I don't see what Rico could possibly love about her. And why he is so set on trying to get her back when she has moved on with another person? Did he think by telling me he loved me that I would just sit by and wait on him to get over her? Or was it about him trying to have his cake and eat it too?

I did forward to him a text that my friend sent me saying he’d been over her house, begging her sister to get back with him. Followed up by a few things I had to get off my chest too. Amazing how fast my phone rang after I sent those messages. And the voice mail messages begging me to call him. I simply sent him another text explaining to him that it is impossible to love both me and his ex. I would make the choice for him. Enough said and my phone didn't ring anymore.

I actually thought I would be more upset like on the verge of tears but I'm not. I feel numb more than anything. Not sure if it is my heart feeling that way or the Arbor Mist and good green that I have indulged in. One thing I do know is that I am single again and will not make the same mistake twice. So....Any poz men out there, looking for a poz female? Hey, a Queen has to have a King by her side............

I guess I answered my own question from my last entry about if I was numb due to the Arbor Mist and good green. Or was it my heart? I guess it was the Arbor Mist and good green. I don't know about it being the good green now that I think about it. I've been smoking all day. The tears didn't come ‘til after I had spoken to Rico tonight.

I kept myself pretty busy so I wouldn't have time to think about him. I had been doing good too. Then the phone rang; I saw it was him calling so I picked it up. I hadn't heard from him all day but then he calls me at 11 pm. I guess the curiosity got me. He wanted to know how I was doing and then out of no-where he says that he wants to be friends. What? Um, I ended it with him yesterday and we were friends then. He goes on to tell me how fucked up he is because someone at his job got him drunk. But he would like to come over tomorrow and talk to me. Was it ok? I said yeah but then it was like he was trying to rush me off the phone. I asked him why was he in a rush to get me off the phone? His reply was that he wasn't rushing me but he had company. At 11pm and if so, why call me?

I know since I ended it with him, it shouldn't bother me but then that's when the tears came. Company after 11pm made me automatically think booty call. Then wondering who could it be? Maybe he got involved with a co-worker or maybe it's the ex. I called back to tell him that he didn't have to bother coming to see me, surprised again, I get his voicemail. He never turns his phone off unless he's here... My mind is really racing right about now as I fight back the tears. I don't know if I am more mad or hurt because I feel like I have totally been played.

And to think I was actually going to disclose to this man. I know how people feel about the issue of disclosure. And if you read my first two blogs, then you know how I feel about it too. Disclosing to him would've been a major step for me. I would be putting myself out there and everything. Many of you feel I should've disclosed in the beginning but, due to issues in Rico's life, I didn't. I wanted to wait for the right time. After recent events, I really am relieved that I didn't.

I am feeling a little better. The tears are done but I still can't stop thinking about Rico. I spent most of last night talking on the phone to my b.f.f. (best friend forever) about the situation. I wanted to get input from the person who knows me better than anyone. We broke down the whole affair between Rico and me. And she also doesn't understand how he could pass up a good woman to try to be with someone who doesn't want him. She knows me so well that she immediately told me not to blame myself. It was exactly what I was doing. She also knew that as I hadn't been involved with anyone for over two years, it was something that really hurt me. Before we knew it, it was three AM; we ended our conversation so she could go to bed. But sleep still eluded me.

There was nothing on TV so I got on my laptop and started looking up Capricorn traits. I am into stuff like that because I am Pagan. I thought maybe I could find some answers there. It stated a lot of things that were true about me such as:

# A Capricorn woman loves from heart. You will not tell people about your love, sometimes not even to the person you love. You shall like simple people with simple lifestyles. You develop strong emotional love for your man and are very sincere and true in your relationships.

# Being a practical woman, you do not daydream about romance or involve yourself in casual flings or non serious relationships.

# As you are systematic and organised, you can easily control your desires. You are calm and composed from outside, even if inside your heart you are brimming with desire.

# Your naturalness and desire to rise above the ordinary keeps you a bit aloof but you can be more passionate then other females. You can be ignited by a simple caress.

So, what is wrong with those traits? I have come to the conclusion that I seem to draw men who either like being dogged or prefer smuts. Don’t any men appreciate these traits anymore? Is everything based on a good fuck or how much money a person has? It then goes on to say:

* You have a strong ability to think and you can understand the human nature the way no one else does.

* You also have the ability to analyse and understand any concept well and shall possess a good memory. Therefore you will prove good at all professions that require analytical thinking and understanding.

* The Capri woman also has the tendency to postpone her actions until the time she is able to clearly see the consequences of what she does.

With how the world is today, I really feel like I don't fit in or I am some type of relic. I haven't given up on love but I am feeling a bit jaded and unappreciated. I wonder; is there anyone out there who can relate or even begin to understand me?

I have been kind of avoiding blogging about this subject for awhile now. But I do need to talk about it. It is one of my own personal demons that I have been dealing with since I have had this virus. Me and my bug have been together going on eleven years come 2008. Please keep in mind by me talking about disclosure, I am not trying to piss anyone off or play favorites. That has never been my style---- I am simply stating my views and how I feel.

The person who infected me did not disclose. I found out through a co- worker who knew someone who worked at the prison where my ex was incarcerated. And when I did come to find out, I was in tears. When my ex was incarcerated, I was involved in 2 affairs, both with co-workers. What can I say? I was in my 20's then and sowing my Royal oats. The co-worker who told me the news was very understanding and not really stressed at all. Condoms were used. And I am assuming he was more educated than I was at the time.

The other co-worker was a different story. No condoms were used. Did I disclose? Yes, I did, the very same day I found out, but I also explained that I had just found out too. I know he was shocked, I could see it in his face. No words came then either, not for awhile afterwards. I am assuming that he got tested and it came back negative because after awhile we began to talk again. And once when I came back to Miami to visit, we got together. I never saw him again but heard he had gotten married.

Yes, I was angry at my ex for taking the choice away from me, but I was more upset about the nurse at the prison who divulged the information. I know it is prison but wasn't it supposed to be confidential? What gave that person the right to disclose my ex's status? To me, that was betrayal at the highest level.

Let's talk about the next betrayal which came at the hands of my siblings - my two older sisters. I consider it betrayal because in every instance (and there are too many to name here), they took away my chance to even try to disclose. Where is the support that you would think is suppose to come from family? Because of them I have issues with trusting people enough to even try to disclose for fear that it will be used against me. I guess that is why I can relate to people who are afraid to disclose. In the same token, I would like to think that those who do not disclose are being safe with whoever they are with. But I can't be responsible for everyone else, only for me.

Though I do not disclose immediately, it does not mean I will never disclose. I have been working on that by disclosing to my room mate. I have also disclosed to a few others. And who made the rule that everyone should disclose on Day One of knowing any person? I think that should be left up to the discretion of the individual, not because society says so. You can think of me what you will but I will always do what I think is best not what someone else dictates.

Just thought I would write for a few. Nothing eventful really happened today. I guess I can consider that a good thing. I think I have been feeling a bit bored since I don't have a running car anymore. The Caprice is still sitting, waiting for someone who is looking for a good engine. Or for me to be able to find another body to put the engine into. The Celebrity is waiting for me to come up with the money to get it fixed. And when I do have a little bit of money, I can never find anyone to come look at it.

The fucked up thing is no one knows why it is not running. No one has actually gotten under the hood since the early part of summer. And since then I have heard all the damn advice I can stand. I just wish someone would fix it. When I say someone, I mean the dozens of people I know who work on cars. I don't have the money to take it to a licensed mechanic yet. And even with them, I have called a few just for them to either try to get over on me or tell me they don't know what they would charge until they look at it. I really try not to get upset over things I have no control over, but this is really frustrating me to no end. I need my car. There is no one I can depend on to take me places and paying for cab fare adds up.

At the moment, I am sitting back just watching the 15th Anniversary of Raw (for those who don't know, that is WWE wrestling). I am a hardcore fan. I have been watching wrestling since I was a kid. Don't even go there with me about it being fake. I've heard that enough already. If I could, I would sell my soul to the devil (if I actually believed in the devil) to be able to attend Wrestlemania. And to coin a phrase from one of the WWE greats, "And that's the bottom line because Stone Cold said so!!!" Hell, if people can watch the garbage they call reality TV then I can watch my wrestling!

Hmmm, let's see, what else is going on in my little world? Rico is still sniffing around. He called me today. Same drama, different day with him, I have gotten to the point when he starts to talking about it, I just zone him out. Throw in a few “uh huhs” and he thinks I am following the conversation. What is funny to me is the fact that since I haven't been paying him any attention, he wants to act concerned. Now it's stuff like - "Why haven't you called me?” My response is now---"I figured if you want to talk to me, you'll call." Why do I have to act like a bitch to get a response out of him? Men, I swear, do they ever know what they want? But then I guess that is not a fair statement. Not all men are the same; I just find the dumb asses. Yep, I was thinking maybe it was something in the water over here. I thought Rico would be different because he is not from here. But I digress, it must be universal. I know my soul mate is out there, but why do I have to wade through all the idiots?

On that note, I think it is time for me to blaze up a doobie........

What got me on this topic was because I had just got done watching "Queen of the Damned". Another of my fave movies even though I did like the book much better. And if you venture into the Forums, you can see I like it so much that I took the name. I have had the name even before the forums, in other places. I have always had a thing for vampires. At least in the movies; not sure how I would react to those who try to live the lifestyle of a vampire. I would be curious but not sure I would pick up the lifestyle. If there was such a thing as a vampire, I would want to be one. Hey, that would be one way to beat hiv, I'd be dead!!!!! I know; bad joke but you get my point.

In regards to the movies, I think what draws me is their personality which always seem to be dark and brooding. They all seem to love the color black and of course have to live their life in the dark. I love the color black and for the most part I am quite nocturnal. I could live up to my name sake, Angelique (character from the show Dark Shadows and how I got my middle name). I think she was a witch and a vampire. After shaking down the family tree a few years back, I did find out that members of mine did follow the craft. So, in fact that would make me a 3rd generation witch or a natural witch in most occult circles. For the past 10 years I have followed a Pagan path in regards to my spirituality. I like to think of myself as being eclectic since I don't follow any specific path but incorporate many into life. I did dabble with a coven once but found that I like working alone. In the words of Lestat, I hope you found this to be a "good read".

I am not sure if I mentioned it in earlier entries, but I am hearing impaired. I guess that is the PC way of saying that I am partially deaf in both ears. I wasn't born this way, it just happened. Out of no where in July of ‘06. My primary doctor thought it was due to allergies since I have just acquired them too. After prescribing me a few things and seeing that it wasn't getting any better, he referred me to the Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist. After seeing the specialist and getting the hearing test done, it was revealed that I had lost half my hearing in both ears. What caused this to happen? No one seems to know. All they seem to know is that it is rare but does happen. After finding all this out, I had to be fitted for hearing aids and with the insurance I had, it didn't cover the cost of getting them. The ENT office then enrolled me in the Hear Now program sponsored by the Starkey Foundation. But even with enrolling with them, there was a $200 co-pay which I still couldn't afford.

After doing some investigating, I ended up calling the Office of Vocational Rehabilitation and speaking to someone. I don't recall his name at the moment but he told me there was nothing he could do because I was not trying to go back to work. Of course that left me feeling very frustrated. My last hope was to call my case manager at my ASO. I told her what happened. She said she would see what she could do and get back with me in a few days. True to her word, she called in a few days to let me know that OVR had covered the cost of the co- pay for the hearing aids. I was happy that I would be able to hear again.

Now fast forward to today.....While talking on the phone to Rico, I realize that I couldn't hear him very well. Instead of having him repeat himself, I just told him to call me back. Usually when this happens, it is the battery going dead or major wax build-up in my ears. I never had this problem before wearing hearing aids. After doing the usual troubleshooting, I find out that my left hearing aid is dead, as in “gave up the ghost”. I frantically start looking around for my warranty card for my hearing aids. Found it, but it said the warranty had expired in September. Just fucking great! So I call the 800 number; which of course like all numbers is automated. It tells me to leave a message and that someone would get back with me in two days.

I am concerned now because my warranty expired and I wonder if that means I will have to pay another co-pay to get it fixed. The card did mention something about an extended warranty but knowing my luck, I probably would've had to apply for that while the warranty was still good. And if that is the case, no one explained it to me.

I can see it now. Tomorrow is going to be a day filled with frustration. I will be straining trying to keep up with the phone calls I will have to make. And I will be getting frustrated often trying to keep up with conversations. Maybe I should just act like I am totally deaf and start carrying around a notebook to communicate. Maybe this is a sign that my hearing may be leaving me soon. Who knows but like with every other hardship I've had to endure, I will adapt and try to move on......

I remember like any other kid, it was my favorite holiday. For the most part, it was the only time of the year that I could get what I wanted. My birthday was another one but was not considered a holiday except to me. I didn't know why others didn't get with the program. Didn't they know what an addition I made? Probably not -- LOL. Anyways, back to Christmas....

I would start my list towards the end of November. Being raised in a middle class family as I had been, I realized early that there wasn't a Santa Claus. My list usually consisted of maybe five things every year. Now if I got all the things on my list, well, then I was doing good. And that depended on what I wanted if I got everything. If a few things were considered pricey, then I would get two out of the five along with whatever else my parents felt I needed. I was good with that and often liked many of the things that I didn't ask for.

Besides getting the gifts, what I really liked was how my Mother would get in the Christmas spirit. I mean she would really go all out, from the music on the radio to the decorating of the house. My Dad never really got into the holidays but my Mother would make him play his part. His role consisted of going to find a tree and making sure there was plenty of chopped wood for the fireplace. And even though he never decorated the tree, his job was to put the star on it since he was the tallest.

Then, before you know it, after all the sneaking around and searching for presents, it's Christmas Eve. Since my siblings were older than me, they were usually out with friends at some party. I would be home with my parents. We would eat dinner and watch TV. It was one of the few times I was allowed to stay up late. By then all the presents were under the tree and I was allowed to pick one to open before I went to bed. For some reason, the biggest present could never be opened until Christmas. Every year I would make an effort to open the biggest one, but was always denied.

Finally!!! It was Christmas Day and what seemed to be ritual; I was always the first one awake. I never would wake up my siblings. I would make a beeline straight to my parents' room. My Mother would be the one I would wake up first and would leave it up to her to wake up everyone else. After everyone was present and accounted for, then we could open our presents. Considering how early I would get everyone up, usually shortly after opening them most of my family would go back to bed.

Those were simpler times and life back then was good. During those times people didn't stress like they do now about how they are going to afford presents for their families. You didn't see people strung out on things like crack, robbing people and stores just to get their next high. Family meant something and you saw the bond between loved ones. Now the only time family seems to get together is on a reality or talk show. Where is the love? I remember the song "Give Love on Christmas Day", I think the Jacksons did it first but was later redone by a group called New Edition. It is sad that people seem to only want to give love on Christmas Day instead of every day. And people seem to only want to give because they think they will get something back or to try to impress someone else. What happened to giving from the heart? Or because it makes YOU feel good as a person? Why has it become so commercial and so cold?

Last Friday I took my left hearing aid to the ENT for servicing. I love that word, servicing, not sure where I heard it from actually but it sounds like a word a Queen would use...LOL...Anyhoo, when I got to the ENT, I explained that the hearing aid had died and showed them another insurance card to add to their files. The receptionist took the information and disappeared somewhere in the back. When she reappeared, she had Ed with her. Ed was the guy who originally fitted me for my hearing aids. I was relieved to see him. Ed gets me to his office and I explain what happened. Ed then goes on to ask about my warranty which I explained had expired in September. It figures; I seem to have that kind of luck at times. I told him no one explained to me that I could get an extended warranty. Now that I think about it, he should've been the one to explain all that to me.

After listening to me and seeing the insurance I had, Ed explained that he didn't think the office worked with my insurance company anymore but he had a course of action which he hoped would work. The plan was that Ed was going to put my hearing aid in some contraption that he called "The Magic Box". The box would suck out whatever moisture or wax that may have gotten trapped in the hearing aid and hopefully that would be the solution to my problem. The only thing was that the box takes about 6 hours to complete which means I would be without a hearing aid over the weekend. A minor inconvenience or so I thought at the time; I could deal with that.

I guess I spoke too soon. It was completely irritating to say the least. Missing that one hearing aid literally stopped me in my tracks as far as talking on the phone. If I tried to talk on the phone, I had to hold it very close to my ear which left me trying to fight through distortions and feedback just to try to piece together a conversation. In turn, I had to go into my voicemail and change my greeting explaining the circumstances. The only option I could offer anyone calling me was to either leave me a message or if they had text messaging, was to text me. This was definitely becoming a major pain, Ed would be getting a call on Monday.

And just trying to hold a conversation face to face was just as impossible. People have to stand to the right of me and talk loud. For some that seemed to be hard to do - *rolls eyes*. When trying to watch TV, I either turn up the volume or just read the captioning. The captioning really isn't a bother to me because I use to have that on before I lost my hearing. For example, if I was listening to music but watching tv. But when it comes to the volume, well, certain channels would come across blaring while others I would have to strain to hear. This really sucked.

I called Ed back on Monday. I got no reply or so I thought. I called back on Tuesday. Ed called me back and said he had left a message. And he did, on the house phone which I can't hear. He went on to explain what I mentioned earlier but also took my insurance info and the physician's number from the back of my insurance card. He was going to make some calls and see what he could do for me since his office couldn't help. It is now Wednesday and I have yet to hear back from Ed.

My concerns is the price of the hearing aids. According to Ed if they are more than the $1500 that my insurance is willing to cover then I am pretty much S.O.L. I can't go back through the Hear Now program because they only help people every 5 years. A friend told me to go through my ASO because they are suppose to have some type of emergency funds through Ryan White thing but I doubt very much that they have over $1500. What am I suppose to do now? Literally be deaf because I can't afford the hearing aids I need to hear? You would think that insurance would cover the full cost of hearing aids but then I guess there aren't enough people around that are deaf for them to implement some type of program. *Shakes my head in disgust*...

I really don't know what made me want to talk about profanity. It actually came to me when I was about to take a nap. I figured maybe it was due to indulging in some of the good green. I would sleep on it and if the thought was still there then I would speak on it. Can we talk?

I will probably be the only person who will openly admit that I like to use profanity. Why not? I do believe there is a time and a place for it. And if used in the wrong way, it can show a person's ignorance. I prefer not to use profanity in the wrong way but instead to use it to express myself or as adjectives, which can make story telling quite colorful. Most people think profanity is a negative thing, not me. I like to turn a negative into a positive when I can.

*WARNING*: That does not mean go out and call the first person you see a bitch or whatever profanity you choose to use. Some may not appreciate it and it could result in violence.

I thought I would throw that warning in there. You never know with some people. Common sense should tell you when the right time is to use profanity or with whom. Don't get me wrong, not every word that comes from my mouth is profanity. And I can hold a conversation without the use of profanity. The words are there, why not use them? I don't feel profanity is used more by one nationality than the other. I do feel the pronunciation of certain words are used differently by certain nationalities. For instance, let's use the word "motherfucker". Not being racial, but white people say it totally different than a black person would. White people pronounce the word as it is spelled. On the other hand, black people replace the "er" with the letter "a". I guess leaving in the "er" sounds too proper.

I notice that I tend to use profanity more when I am comfortable around someone. My best friend and I call each other bitches. It is not used to mean disrespect. We are more like sisters. Now when I use it with my biological sisters, it really depends because they can really be bitches. If someone outside of that circle was to call me a bitch, I really wouldn't get upset. I know you are saying "Yeah, right" but I am serious. To me, it means that I am someone who does not take anyone's shit. Or if another female is calling me a bitch, well, that means to me, she obviously is hating for some reason. She wants something that I have. I mean, think about all the times someone has called you a bitch. If you break down the situation, it stems from them being jealous of something you have. If a man calls me a bitch, it is usually because I have told his ass off about something or he has tried getting some ass from me. My response first off being polite would "No Thanks” for whatever reason. But if the man was persistent about it, then it would change to "Hell No". Or maybe you've called someone a bitch because they were just being rude. I know I have.

Other than the obvious words like bitch or ass, who made up these words? Where did they come from? How did the word "motherfucker" even come to be? Or even the word "fuck". Who said from now on the word "fuck" will be used instead of saying having sexual intercourse or as an exclamation if you bang your toe on something? And who gave profanity such a bad rap?

I don't recall in the Bible saying we couldn't use these words. I thought we just couldn't use his name in vain with words such as "Jesus Fucking Christ" or "Goddamn It". And if we weren't meant to, then why did god or your preferred deity give us these words? And if that's the case, is "hell" to be considered a bad word or just a bad place? I guess there are those out there now that feels I am going to "hell" for using "His" name in vain. My response would be, "When you get there, send me a postcard or some type of proof because I don't believe in such a place." Not trying to dip into religion by using that word but just giving a little food for thought. Just a little something to make you say "Damn, she does give you something to think about."

Just when I thought the situation with my hearing aid was going to get even more complicated, Ed from the ENT specialists called. After I called him and left a message. He went on to explain that after talking with my insurance company, that they will cover the cost of the repair for my hearing aid. I don't know what he said but obviously whatever it was caused them to change their minds. When I had spoken to the insurance company last Friday, I was told that they wouldn't cover the cost of the repair. I am scheduled to see Ed next Friday for another hearing test. I'm not sure if my hearing aid will be ready by then but I hope I haven't lost anymore of my hearing.

I am glad that things worked themselves out. Maybe the insurance company got a little bit of the Christmas spirit. I don't know what caused them to change their minds. I will just be glad to be able to hear again. Someone told me today that people who do have their hearing just don't realize how exhausting it can be to try to hear. And this person was right; it is very exhausting as well as being frustrating. If you know anyone who is hearing impaired, try giving them a break when talking to them. How can you do this? Maybe for a day try stuffing something down in your ears so that you can't hear. Then proceed to go about your day as you normally would. I know you can't do this sort of thing at work but try it at home or hang out with someone who is willing to help you do this little experiment. Even then you will get just a glimpse of what I and other hearing impaired people go through on a daily basis.

Funny how the holidays seem to bring about the Christmas spirit even in my dysfunctional family. If you have been following my blog then you know that I'm not really tight with any of my biological siblings. I guess you can say we co-exist, if that. The only siblings I do have love for are my brother and my baby sister. And I rarely hear from them. Last week I heard from all of them with the exception of my baby sister. I got phone calls from one sister and my brother. My oldest sister actually came to visit but I guess you can say it was a trade-off of sorts. She came to get a print-out for Newport cigarettes and to drop me off a picture with my biological father in it; a man I had never laid eyes on in my life. She also dropped off a Christmas present. I wasn't expecting it.

My other sister called me on Thursday to invite me over to her house for Christmas. Usually when this sister has any type of family function, there is a catch to it. She is usually trying to be nosey or bragging about something. And best believe there is usually some type of drama that jumps off every time. It never involves me, so I accepted. My oldest sister called me later that night to tell me she got invited also, but wasn't sure if she was going. By the time she came to visit me on Friday, she decided she would attend too. Since my sister who extended the invitation has to work on Christmas, the festivities will not start until after 6pm. Both my oldest sister and I have nothing planned on Christmas Day but, since we know how things go at the other sister's house, we developed a plan of escape. Stay tuned for further dysfunctional developments.

I had spoken earlier about being invited over to my sister's house for a Christmas family gathering. On Christmas Day around 2:30, I had given my oldest sister a call asking her to call my other sister and cancel for me. I was having problems with my right ear that day. And considering how loud my sister and her kids can be, it wasn't worth going. She said she would call for me and call me right back.

When she called back, she sounded a bit irritated. She went on to explain that when she called no one answered the phone. She knew that my niece was cooking dinner so why didn't she answer the phone. They have caller ID; she felt she was being ignored. She then proceeded to ramble off a few profanities and then asked me to call. She wanted to see if they would answer the phone when I called. Now I am thinking to myself, if I have to call to cancel then I should've just called myself. I did what she asked and called. The phone was answered on the third ring by my niece. I went on to explain why I couldn't make it and that my oldest sister had just called, why didn't anyone answer the phone. My niece laughed and relayed the message to her mother. I could hear my sister in the background trying to give her excuse which was she had just walked in the door. Her excuse was very weak and did not explain why my niece didn't answer the phone. My niece, still on the phone, did not give a reason at all. My sister then went on to say that she would drop me off my present and a plate later. I hung up and called my oldest sister back.

By the third ring, I heard a very dry "Merry Christmas". For a minute, I thought I had dialled the Grinch's number. I told her that my niece answered the phone which threw her into a rage and confirmed that she was being ignored. She then proceeds to say how she could stay home and didn't have to go to my sister's "nasty ass" house. Just as quick as those words came out her mood flipped into a bit of depression at being ignored on Christmas Day. As much hell as my sisters have put me through at being poz, I should've enjoyed this bit of a breakdown but instead I tried to cheer her up. It worked but she still wanted to call my sister herself. She said she would call me back again.

Honestly, I didn't want to answer the phone when she called back, but I did. Much to my regret, she was pissed once more. They still didn't answer the phone at my sister's house. Ugh - Here we go again! “Can you call over there again and ask her why she is ignoring my fucking calls?” I really wanted to get off the phone with her by now, but instead I just said ok. I called back over to the other sister's house. This time my son answers the phone. I was surprised that he was there due to him and my sister feuding. I went on to deliver the message and my son delivered it to my sister. No reply, just silence. A bit awkward so I just laughed and told my son "Merry Christmas" and hung up the phone.

Reluctantly, I called my oldest sister back and told her what happened. Once again she was pissed off but this time I had no answers to give her. She kind of brought it on herself. She confirmed she was being ignored the first time. At this point, she mumbled some more profanities and told me that she was going to wait to see if my sister calls. I gladly hung up the phone.

I had a decent Christmas and was glad that I didn't have to be witness to any drama. Next year if I get an invitation to Christmas dinner, I will just decline.

I am one who hates to give up and I try to encourage others not to give up when life tends to throw a few curves our way. But I admit defeat this time. I give up on trying to find love or a man who understands me. It seems that I always find the wrong man or a man who says he loves me, but his actions say different.

I know that I am supposed to learn from past mistakes and move on. I usually do learn and have no problem moving on. I even take what I consider to be breaks. My last break lasted two years when I ended it with my ex. It didn't end because I decided to disclose, but for other reasons. When I ended it, I didn't rush to be with someone else or rebound. I remained single. I took those 2 years to contemplate on what I really wanted in a person or out of a relationship. I evaluated myself. I looked long and hard within myself to see what things I needed to work on. I knew I wasn't perfect but maybe I expect too much from a person. But to me, what I expected from a person were the same things I would be willing to give myself. Is that so wrong?

People in my little circle seem to admire me for being strong and independent. I admire those things about myself as well, but it also seems having those traits still left me being very alone. Those traits, along with my unconditional love and strong sense of loyalty, you would think I would be a catch. Instead, I feel like I don't belong. My love and loyalty is either never appreciated or else taken for granted. And even though my exterior may appear to be tough, in the inside I feel the air has been taken from me. I feel crushed.

Often when I feel like I don't fit in, I try to adapt. It never lasts very long because I am not happy when I can't be myself. There are times when I just want to yell, "Isn't there anyone out there who believes in love? Not just love in the physical aspect but loving from the soul." Is there anyone out there... like me?

This is the last day of 2007. I am glad it is over. It hasn't been my worst year but it wasn't exactly the best either. And while most people are making outlandish resolutions that more than likely they will not keep, I plan on keeping mine simple. Mine is simply to get through this year as best I can and to not repeat the mistakes I made the previous year. Yep, simple and no way I can mess it up either.....

It is now after seven pm as I write this. It is also my room mates birthday today. I surprised her with a bottle of Baby Phat perfume and a birthday card. You know I gotta keep it hood....J/K..The perfume actually smells really good. I have to get me some but the look on my roomie's face......Priceless.

Even though I had said Happy Birthday to her at midnight, she was not expecting the perfume and the card. Our plans is to go to our friend's house and bring in the New Year with her and her bf. I will run into Rico there but he has to work at four am. He doesn't plan on getting any sleep. I told him he's going to look like hell at work but he said so will everyone else. I just laughed.

I am not much of a drinker anymore but I even broke down and got two bottles of Arbor Mist. I love the White Zinfadel and the Sangria. I doubt very much that I will drink both bottles since I drink in moderation and just to get a nice buzz to go along with the good green.

I would like to wish everyone out there a HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!! Here's to 2008!!!!!! And after midnight it will be officially eleven days til my birthday!!!!!!!