Michelle's POZ Blog

Here it is already just a day into 2008 and I have begun counting the days. Counting the days on a few things, actually. For instance, counting the days until it is my 39th birthday. I don't feel old even though my body tells me otherwise. I am just grateful to still be here. Getting older has taught me how to appreciate the simple things as well as to not sweat the small stuff.

I’m also counting the days when winter will be over. I may be a January baby but I hate winter. This in turn leads me to counting the days until it will be warm enough to wear my “daisy dukes”. I can't wait for summer. Hopefully, by then I will have a working car. My roomie and I would like to be able to attend a medieval affair somewhere. We are both Pagans. But we both have our own reasons too. She would like to make some jewellery and weapons so she could have a booth. I want to get things for my altar and Witch's Cabinet. And we are even making plans for Mardi Gras 2009.

If you haven't noticed, I have a knack for questioning things. I guess that's why my Daddy always said I should've been a lawyer. I would like to know, who came up with the saying, "Silence is Golden?". What is so golden about it? Try being born with hearing then all of a sudden at the age of 38 lose most of it with no explanation, learn to adapt with the help of hearing aids, and have that stripped from you.

I had to wake up early this morning to complete silence. I usally wake up that way until I put my hearing aids in. But today when I put my only functioning one in my ear, I heard nothing. I didn't freak out at first, I figured I just needed to change the battery. Ok, changed the battery twice, just in case a battery was dead or something, still nothing. That's when I started to freak. I hear noises but everything sounds muffled like cotton is in my ears. Conversations are the worst because people have to literally yell at me in order for me to hear just a little of what someone is saying. The rest is guess work.

I was never a Girl Scout but I always believe in having a plan of some sort. My first plan of action after rolling a doobie and having a wake and bake, was to call Ed from the ENT specialists. The guy who already has my non-working left hearing aid. Last we spoke, he had called my insurance company and they were suppose to be covering the repair of the left one. This was before the holidays, so I was giving it time before calling him back. Now I had to call him and leave a message. I did and marked it urgent. Since it was still early, I decided to go back to sleep. There was nothing else I could do til I heard back from Ed.

One thing I do know, since losing my hearing, I sleep more soundly. But it also makes me a bit leery because I fear someone could actually sneak up on me. But then again, my bedroom door does have a lock on it. Anyone trying to get past that I would definitely hear.

Anyhoo, by the time I had gotten back up from my little nap, it was 1pm. I considered that to be good because by then I had hoped to have heard something from Ed and he would just be getting in from lunch. With the phone jammed to my ear, I strained to listen to my voice mail. Yep, two messages from Ed but it wasn't what I wanted to hear or strained so hard to hear. He was getting conflicting stories from my insurance company. One minute they said they would cover the cost of the repair then the next minute they are saying they won't. I was and still am pissed. That news definitely made it time to roll another doobie.

I also played phone tag with Ed and left him another message. By the time I had gotten to the middle of the doobie, my phone rang. It was Ed. I have to give it to Ed, he has gone beyond his duty to try to help me. He told me he would be at the office til four this afternoon. I explained that I didn't have transportation anymore but was trying to find a ride. Also if I couldn't make it today, I would try for Monday. He said he understood and to do what I could.

He then went on to tell me what the insurance company was saying. I told him I still another option that I could try but I needed to know how much the repair would cost. He told me one hundred and eighty-seven dollars per hearing aid. But yet the insurance company had told me that they pay up to fifteen hundred for hearing aids. I would think being deaf would qualify me for the money. He said at this point that he was stuck and that I needed to call the insurance company. We hung up.

I remembered that a friend of mine who is also poz, told me that my ASO should be able to help. It would be considered some type of medical emergency. That was my plan b, I took his advice and called. I already knew my case manager wasn't going to be in. She rarely is and Laurie, the receptionist, confirmed it. She had also knew what happened with the other hearing aid so I told her my story. The first thing she said was that I would need some type of denial letter from my insurance company and that was if I qualify as a medical emergency. That would have to be determined. My heart kind of fell into my stomach when I heard that. I hate the word "IF", that makes me feel like there is a catch somewhere..... So, here I sit, feeling in limbo and alone in silence. Nothing feels golden about it. I feel like I am shut off from the world. I feel limited. Most of all, I feel helpless.....

The drama continues with my hearing aids. On Friday, I had called my insurance company back after talking to Ed. No help there, the lady sounded like she was reading through a script when talking to me. She ran off an 800 number and told me to tell my audiologist to call that number. Although I can't hear with clarity, I know what passing the buck sounded like.

I called Ed back and left him the message that the insurance company had told me. From there, I had called my ASO but my case manager was out. Now it is Monday. I haven't heard back from Ed so I left him another message asking if he had made any progress.

I went on to call back my ASO and got in contact with my case manager. It seems that Laurie, the receptionist had filled her in on what's going on. That saved me some time and frustration, I love that woman. My case manager had been on the phone with the Office of Vocational Rehabilitation, the ones who paid for my hearing aids. She couldn't reach anyone so she left a message hoping that they might be able to help with the cost of the repair. She told me if she heard anything that she would give me a call back and if I hear anything to do the same.

I guess there is nothing left but to play the waiting game. I'll play along til about Wednesday or Thursday. If I don't hear anything back from Ed, or if the insurance company is still giving me the run around, then I will make a call to the Assistant District Attorney's office. I really can't believe there is nothing that can be done.

What is this world coming to? I mean really, where is the love for your fellow man? It's bad enough when negative people treat positive people unfairly but it is like humanity is turning on itself. I rarely watch the news because there is hardly ever anything good to see. It seems that all that you really hear about is death. The same goes with the internet.

I was recently surfing the internet and browsing Yahoo. First, I came across a guy who killed his ex and attempted to cook some of her body parts. And I know this may sound racial but if there hadn't been a picture included with the article, I would've sworn it was someone white. I know that is the wrong way to think but when I think of stuff like that the first thing that comes to mind is Hannibal Lecter or Jeffrey Dahmer. The man was black. His reasoning for doing it? If I remember correctly, it was because she was seeing someone else. All I could do was shake my head in disgust. I know the spiel of innocent until proven guilty, but this man should be dealt with. He doesn't need a trial with a jury of his peers. He called the police and told them he did it and where to find the poor woman's mutilated body. I feel no compassion for this man. I say lock him up, fatten him up and find some cannibals who would like some dark meat.

And another story found on Yahoo. A man throws his three children off of a bridge. The ages of the children range from months to three years old. I don't see how anyone could harm a child especially if it is your own children. His excuse? He has a drug habit, more specifically a crack habit. What? I have heard of some crack heads who sell their children to get high, not justifying that because it is wrong too but to just snatch your kids up and toss them over a bridge? You think he deserves a trial too? What should his punishment be? Lethal injection would seem too kind in my book. How about tying him up and tossing his ass over the same bridge he tossed his children? Sounds fitting to me.

And then people like this Huckabee character wants to round up all of positive people and drop them on an island somewhere. Honestly, it's not us pozzies people should be scared of. It's people like the ones I have mentioned that people should be scared of. People who seem to have lost their humanity. I really don't fear having this virus anymore. What I fear are people who have lost their conscience. If this is just a preview of what this world has come to, then I gladly welcome this virus to take me out. With this virus, at least I have a chance to survive.

I think when becoming poz, all of us have our battles. And we all try to fight the good fight, whether it is being an activist or dealing with personal issues. For me, it is the personal issues that I try to battle on a daily basis. The issues that I battle deal with disclosure and being alone. Maybe once I learn how to defeat the personal issues, I can move on to becoming an activist.

My issues with disclosure were caused by siblings who took it upon themselves to disclose for me. Now if it was done out of love, I wouldn't have a problem with it. My sibs did it to be spiteful not to be helpful to me or any person I was with. They wanted to create drama with no regard on how it would affect me. And it has indeed affected me. Because of what they have done, it makes it very hard for me to disclose to people. Not just people I may become intimate with but anyone. The topic of disclosure has been discussed a few times in the forums. The general opinion seems to be, just do it even though I feel that it should be a person's choice of when. I have a problem with the just do it attitude. Why? I think a person should test the situation before just blurting out---"Hey, I have AIDS or I am HIV positive". Maybe I am being a bit selfish here but I think a poz person should think of their well being before disclosing. It seems in my experience that it is easier to disclose to a friend than to someone you may have feelings for. A friend may reject you as may a lover but it seems the rejection from a lover hurts more. I have yet to be rejected from friends who I have told but has felt the heartbreak of someone who you have feelings for. The sad thing is I never have had the chance to disclose to someone I cared for, my sibs did that but I still felt the rejection.

My oldest sib paid me a visit last Friday. We did our usual chat thing but then I decided to bring up my status and how I felt about my other sister disclosing for me. I told my sister that I didn't think it was fair at all that I wasn't given the chance to do it for myself. I could tell that bringing it up caught my sister off guard, that was my cue to press on. Of course, she got quiet and I knew it was from guilt because she has done the same thing to me but for some odd reason she thinks I don't know she has done it. But the look on her face...PRICELESS. I went on to explain that it wasn't about me just trying to hook up and spread the virus. I showed her the bag of condoms I keep by the bed and told her that before my last fling that I had been celibate for almost 3 years. And it wasn't like I had an "Open for Business" sign posted between my legs. That made her laugh but I think I also gave her something to think about or at least I hope I did.

The other battle that I am dealing with is the lonliness factor which really sucks. I know I don't need a man to complete me but it would be nice to have someone to love and to love me unconditionally. I have come to the conclusion that I don't think I will ever find a neg man who can accept me with this virus. But trying to find a poz man is like looking for a needle in a haystack. The only men that seems to be open with their status here is gay men. I envy them because they seem to be the only men that are understanding. And there is not a snowball's chance in hell of changing a gay man and making him straight again. Yeah, there are bi men out there but to be honest, I have a problem with sharing men. I can share just about anything else but a man, uh, not happening. And I'm not with trying to find a support group to find a hook up. I just feel that is wrong and not what support groups are meant for. Even with being on the forums as a regular poster, I have come across some interesting men but for the most part they are out of the country or I think I probably intimidate the hell out of them. And I am fed up with the poz dating sites. They want you to spend money for a membership which I don't have or you get a free poz dating site that is full of scammers which I lucked out and came across one. I did come across a guy awhile back that I was really digging but it kind of went dry when I got mad at him for not taking care of himself. It was like he stopped meds and was just waiting to die. And I couldn't deal with that. I can only hope 2008 will be kinder to me than 2007 was and maybe love will smile upon me.