Michelle's POZ Blog

I think when becoming poz, all of us have our battles. And we all try to fight the good fight, whether it is being an activist or dealing with personal issues. For me, it is the personal issues that I try to battle on a daily basis. The issues that I battle deal with disclosure and being alone. Maybe once I learn how to defeat the personal issues, I can move on to becoming an activist.

My issues with disclosure were caused by siblings who took it upon themselves to disclose for me. Now if it was done out of love, I wouldn't have a problem with it. My sibs did it to be spiteful not to be helpful to me or any person I was with. They wanted to create drama with no regard on how it would affect me. And it has indeed affected me. Because of what they have done, it makes it very hard for me to disclose to people. Not just people I may become intimate with but anyone. The topic of disclosure has been discussed a few times in the forums. The general opinion seems to be, just do it even though I feel that it should be a person's choice of when. I have a problem with the just do it attitude. Why? I think a person should test the situation before just blurting out---"Hey, I have AIDS or I am HIV positive". Maybe I am being a bit selfish here but I think a poz person should think of their well being before disclosing. It seems in my experience that it is easier to disclose to a friend than to someone you may have feelings for. A friend may reject you as may a lover but it seems the rejection from a lover hurts more. I have yet to be rejected from friends who I have told but has felt the heartbreak of someone who you have feelings for. The sad thing is I never have had the chance to disclose to someone I cared for, my sibs did that but I still felt the rejection.

My oldest sib paid me a visit last Friday. We did our usual chat thing but then I decided to bring up my status and how I felt about my other sister disclosing for me. I told my sister that I didn't think it was fair at all that I wasn't given the chance to do it for myself. I could tell that bringing it up caught my sister off guard, that was my cue to press on. Of course, she got quiet and I knew it was from guilt because she has done the same thing to me but for some odd reason she thinks I don't know she has done it. But the look on her face...PRICELESS. I went on to explain that it wasn't about me just trying to hook up and spread the virus. I showed her the bag of condoms I keep by the bed and told her that before my last fling that I had been celibate for almost 3 years. And it wasn't like I had an "Open for Business" sign posted between my legs. That made her laugh but I think I also gave her something to think about or at least I hope I did.

The other battle that I am dealing with is the lonliness factor which really sucks. I know I don't need a man to complete me but it would be nice to have someone to love and to love me unconditionally. I have come to the conclusion that I don't think I will ever find a neg man who can accept me with this virus. But trying to find a poz man is like looking for a needle in a haystack. The only men that seems to be open with their status here is gay men. I envy them because they seem to be the only men that are understanding. And there is not a snowball's chance in hell of changing a gay man and making him straight again. Yeah, there are bi men out there but to be honest, I have a problem with sharing men. I can share just about anything else but a man, uh, not happening. And I'm not with trying to find a support group to find a hook up. I just feel that is wrong and not what support groups are meant for. Even with being on the forums as a regular poster, I have come across some interesting men but for the most part they are out of the country or I think I probably intimidate the hell out of them. And I am fed up with the poz dating sites. They want you to spend money for a membership which I don't have or you get a free poz dating site that is full of scammers which I lucked out and came across one. I did come across a guy awhile back that I was really digging but it kind of went dry when I got mad at him for not taking care of himself. It was like he stopped meds and was just waiting to die. And I couldn't deal with that. I can only hope 2008 will be kinder to me than 2007 was and maybe love will smile upon me.