Michelle's POZ Blog

I have been missing in action since January 15. Many had wondered where I had gone. I’d gone down a very sad and lonely road called depression. And to be honest, I didn't want to live anymore. I won't try to sugar-coat it. I know many are wondering what could make me feel such a way. A few things made me feel this way such as being without my hearing aids since mid December, financial issues, and feeling totally alone due to this damned virus.

Being without my hearing aids really left me feeling disconnected with the rest of the world. The act of trying to communicate and not being able to hear is a real bitch. I have been without a car since March of 2007 due to a car accident and it really took away my independence. If I still had my car, I would not have been without my hearing aids for as long as I have been. I know many are saying, “what about getting a ride from someone?” or something of that nature. Believe me when I tell you, it really was not possible, there was no one I could depend on, not even my case manager at my ASO. The next solution most were trying to shove down my throat was public transportation such as the bus. You think? Even though there was a bus on the route to where my ENT was located, I feared getting off of the bus at a busy intersection which is known for its many car accidents and people getting hit by those trying to rush through before the light turns red. No, I am not making excuses by saying this, it happened last year to someone who could actually hear but was in a wheelchair.

I know everyone has financial issues but not everyone knows how it is to actually have to struggle to get by month to month on a disability check. Not being able to scrape together a few dollars in order to try to save for another car; not a brand new one but one that looks decent and runs good. One that can get me to my doctor appointments and trips to the grocery store. Or even to save a few pennies so I can buy some new clothes. Things the average person takes for granted but for me, I can't remember the last time I bought myself anything new in the way of clothes. To be able to buy something other than jeans and sneakers or to try my best to look feminine. To try my best to feel like a woman instead of look like a tomboy.

And the straw that broke the camel's back is being alone, which is kind of a double edged sword with me. I seem to have a bad track record with men. I always seem to get with the wrong ones including the one I am still married to. The living together part lasted under a year. Why? When he heard I was poz, he ran for the hills, never to be heard from again. Since then I struggled with a few relationships along the way. But it was never on equal ground, it seemed like I was the only one who was willing to give something to the relationship and all the men ever did was take. Yep, I even tried being more selective but that still left me being alone. I tried to keep hope alive by thinking Mr. Right will come. Whether he be poz or neg, he has yet to make an appearance. And the frustration of it all came to a head around the time of my birthday which is January 12th. A day in which I should've been celebrating, instead it was spent crying.

This lead to voluntarily checking myself into the hospital for depression. The first few days of my stay was spent crying or else sleeping. I eventually got to speak with the doctor who was nice and tried to explain the stigma behind HIV. I really didn't need him to explain it; I know it all too well. I guess I just needed to be away from my environment for a minute and someone to listen to me. Honestly, what he was saying wasn't making me feel any better but the medication he prescribed for me was, so I guess it wasn't a total loss. I do plan on continuing to get some therapy, not with him but with someone else. I hope this person will be better than the good doctor. I know his job was to make me feel like everything will be ok but I really don't feel like it will be. I feel like I am going through the motions of simply existing because it is not yet my time to die.

For those who are wondering how I am doing since my meltdown, I am doing fine. It seems like things are going back to normal. I've gotten back to my schedule of staying up late and I am still drinking my Pepsi. My diabetes is doing better too. I have not had any dangerously low sugars since being home. I still say it is because I couldn't have my Pepsi while I was in the hospital. There have been a few times when it was high but I can account for that. I have also gotten one of my hearing aids back so I am able to hear just a bit better. The other one is still out getting fixed. There was a short in the volume control. Financially things are still the same. The gas bill here where I live is outrageous. I am paying more in gas than I am for rent. I have gotten help in paying it but each month it just seems to get worse. This hasn't happened because I skipped paying the bill but because where I live is so poorly insulated. I just received a letter from the gas company last week stating they made an error in my bill. I got hit with another $202 dollar which now has my gas bill at the grand total of $669. It is time to move which I hate because I really don't have anyone who can help me move. I am not depressed about it, more like annoyed. But what can I say, shit happens.

I have finally been notified by the Section 8 office. I consider that a good thing even though I had really given up on them a long time ago. Their list is so long. It took them five years to contact me. Better late than never and honestly, it is right on time. Funny, how things happen sometimes. I have an appointment with them on Friday.

I have even been dealing with the thought of being alone pretty well. If it's meant to be then it's meant to be. My bff has set me up with a guy named Kevin. We met for the first time two days ago. This is a new experience for me because I have never dated outside of my race. Kevin is white and five years older than me. He works at one of the hospitals here. This definitely takes things on a different level for me. But I am determined not to rush things and just see how it goes.

I have an appointment today with ID doc. I doubt that my labs will be back since I got them done late. I do want to talk with him about the Atripla causing my depression. I don't want to switch meds because the Atripla is working for me but I don't want to go to see an intake worker. And the last few days I have stopped taking the depression medication and I appear to be fine. I want to see what his opinion is on this. Anyhoo, things are looking up and I feel good. That's what's important.

I went to go see my ID doctor on Wednesday. It turned out to be a good visit. Honestly, I was expecting the worst. When I had my meltdown, I had missed taking my meds and while in the hospital, they screwed up my meds. I guess someone must be looking out for me. My cd4 climbed from 265 to 401. And this is just from starting Atripla and Ziagen back in September. So things are looking better and I am definitely happy about that. My viral load hadn't come back yet but my doctor is assuming that it will still be undetectable.

He did however give me a tongue lashing for stopping my depression medication. But he said since I had only stopped it a few days ago that I should continue taking it. Of course, I whined about all the other pills I was taking but he was not trying to hear it. He told me that I need to keep taking it because at this point, I probably don't have enough of the medication in my body yet for it to help with the depression. And if I don't keep taking it more than likely I will bottom out and be back in the hospital again. I guess like my Daddy said, I have a bit of lawyer in me because I tried to argue my case anyway. My response was, "Ok, if I have to take the medicine do I still have to spill my guts to a therapist?" He then went on to say that I don't have a problem talking to him. I wanted to say, "Well, duh, you're my doctor, why should I have a problem talking to you?" But I didn't want to come across as a smart ass. And if you can't talk to your doctor then who can you talk to other than a priest? It wasn't like I had anything to confess and even if I did, I don't think a few Hail Marys and an Act of Contrition would make things right as rain. I would rather have my primary just give me prescriptions for the medication instead of laying on a couch. I just don't think talking to a therapist who doesn't have a clue what it means to be poz is going to help me much. I mean what can this person say to me? That they understand how I feel when I know damn well that they don't. I don't take kindly to being patronized and that's how I would take it if they said it which would lead me to getting up and walking out. I would rather do what I have been doing and talking to those who read my blog and posting in the forums. At least I know the people who read my blog can relate and I get more support from those in the forums than any therapist could ever give me.

I am not one to really watch the news, but lately, I have been noticing disturbing things. People are killing their kids. There were plenty of times when I was a teenager especially; I would do things that would piss my parents off. And I have often heard parents say to their kids, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out too" but I never thought parents would really act on it.

I had mentioned before about the guy who tossed four of his kids off of a bridge. Another person tossed their child off of a bridge. And closer to home, a woman killed her grandchild. This one hit home because the child was only three months old and related to my son. It was his brother's mother who killed the little girl. And the little girl was my son's niece. My son brought it to my attention and I followed the story on the news and on the internet. Sad, it is the only time my city gets a mention on any news is when something bad happens.

A few things trouble me. I am wondering why would my son's brother would leave his child with his mother, knowing she gets high? And when I say get high, I mean from crack. When I am high from smoking weed, the last thing I want to do is baby-sit. And from my understanding, the grandmother changed her story three times but the coroner report says the baby was hit in the head with a blunt object. Another thing that bothers me is that her son seems to be making the excuse for her about being high, like that excuses his mother for killing his child. I don't get that. I will say he is a better person that I am because if she wasn't in jail, I would be for trying to kill her ass.

The saying that pops into my head is "A Mother is God in the eyes of a child" or something to that effect. But I guess my son's brother is thinking he can always make another one, which to me is really sad. What about the one that is gone and, if another one is born, at least maybe this one will have a better chance at survival since the grandmother is locked away. What a waste when there are people in the world who can't have children.

I thought I would take a moment to write about some of the comments I have received since starting my blog. I am realistic to know that many will not share my views on things and that is ok. I don't delete any of the comments I get because even those who disagree with me have a right to their opinions. And I want those who read my blog to see those opinions.

My last entry seems to have caused quite a stir. I have been accused of being irresponsible, compared to a crack head, being dishonest and living in a fantasy world because I smoke weed. What is funny to me is how those people can pass judgement on me not knowing what I have to deal with on a daily basis. How easy it is for them to point the finger at me. I have to wonder if these people even took the time to read my blog at all or even see the posts I have written in the forums. I will address these accusations. Where shall I begin?

Let's start with my choice to smoke weed. I have been called irresponsible. Now why is that? I take care of my bills before I indulge so how am I being irresponsible? My smoking is no longer what I consider to be recreational but medicinal. Why does someone have a problem with that? My doctors seem to understand it. If I don't smoke, I don't eat. Is it better to go without eating and waste away to nothing? It seems some seem to think so. I was accused of being the kettle calling the pot black because my son's brother left his child with his mother who smokes crack. But these people seem to miss the point that the woman hit the child in the head with a blunt object. I guess they are saying I would do the same because I smoke weed. Not at all, in the first place I would be responsible enough not to watch the child considering that I would be high and the last thing I would do would be to beat a 3 month old child over the head with a blunt object. My accusers seemed to have overlooked that and focused in on my smoking weed, how convient.

Let's talk about my being dishonest about not disclosing. Once again, did my accusers even read my blog and see the issues I have with disclosure. How I was betrayed by my own family and not even given the chance to disclose when I wanted to. Or when I was dating someone who wished this virus on his ex because she did not want to be with him anymore? But I guess if it was them, they would disclose and they would live happily ever after. Now I have to ask, who is living in a fantasy world? Not everyone is so understanding when it comes to this virus. How easy it is to point the finger and act holier than thou.

Last time I checked, I wasn't getting any financial help from anyone and how I choose to spend my money is my business. I don't see anyone offering to help but it is so much easier to condemn. And out of all my blog entries,my accusers chose my last one to try to blast me. No comments on other entries. I hope you guys are happy, you got noticed in this entry and by others who have read my blog. I hope it makes you feel better.

*******EDITED TO ADD************

I have spoken with the REAL Thomas and we have cleared the air about the previous comment that I thought was sent by him. I will NOT change what I have said above because it is directed at the person who is too much of a coward (in my eyes) to use their own name and had to hide behind someone else's identity to state their opinion. How sad that you don't have the courage to stand behind your OWN convictions and had to use someone else's name.

As you have read in my previous entry, I had a meltdown and checked myself into the hospital. It was a nice vacation away from everyone and everything. I could've stayed another week despite the low sugars but the diabetic diet and my doctor actually catching me smiling while talking with another patient cut my vacation short. That smile was a 180 of me when I first checked in and crying uncontrollably. I know some are probably wondering why I say 180 instead of 360, well, knowing I needed help and checking myself in to get it was half of the battle.

When I got home I felt better than when I had left, no doubt but I felt like my stay in the hospital was like a band-aid over an open wound. And the Celexa was compared to being given an antibiotic to make sure the wound doesn't get infected. The support I received from my fellow forum members was the kiss and being told that everything is going to be alright. I needed that love and support. I will always cherish it for the rest of my days.

Moving right along, on my discharge papers was written that I need to make an appointment with a therapist. I wasn't surprise to see it there written in black and white. While on my vacation, Dan, the hospital therapist, would come daily to remind me of this. Now that I think about it, I wonder why they even gave him the title of therapist; we never did talk about my problems at all. He just knew what was written on my admission papers. What the hell? I got played.

While self medicating on the good green, I got to thinking seriously about getting therapy. Of course, denial reared its ugly head but then my logical side kicked in. Denial whispered to me, "What do you need to go to therapy for? You've been dealing this long on your own. And you know that therapist don't give a rat's ass about what you have to say, it's just a check to them."

Logic glared over at Denial and delivered a swift to the ass, walked back over to me and said, "Girl, you always pride yourself on being real, so let's be real. You know you had a problem, that's why you checked yourself into the hospital. What we don't know is if the Atripla just added to it and last time I checked, your ass wasn't a doctor. And so what if they get paid, they get paid because they are good at what they do. Give it a chance."

Now both Denial and Logic made valid points. I have to admit, I was leaning more towards Denial's side because of an encounter I had with a doctor while in the hospital. I needed some input and I needed it fast. I put the question to my forum family. It was, "How do you do it?" And I asked those that are currently seeking therapy for their advice. I have received some good advice.

After stalling for a few more days, I finally called. I was told by a forum member about a therapist who deals with the hearing impaired. I have to go through intake first but I am trying to get in with her. I found out today that she has no set schedule and she makes her own so they are not sure when I can get in to see her. But they offered to leave my name and number with her. Someone was supposed to call me back to schedule an appointment for intake. I will wait to see if I get a call on Friday. If not, then I will call back on Monday. Stay Tuned.

I have been blessed to have two best friends---one female and the other a gay guy. I have been room mates with both at one time or another. I met the female through her brother who I use to go with back in the day. The gay guy I met when we lived in the same building which at the time was full of gay guys, I was the only straight one and the only female. Let me tell you, it was the most fun experience I ever had.

Through the years I have often lost touch with both of them but we always seem to have found our way back to each other somehow. I am still in contact with my female best friend. Even if we don't see each other everyday, we still talk, either by phone or instant messenger. I wish I could say the same for my gay friend.

I feel like he has been taken away from me. Not by his own choice but because of his bf and crack. Since he has been with his bf which I think has been at least five years, I barely see him and we never talk anymore. I feel like his bf isolates him and doesn't want him around anyone but him. As for the crack, I think it bothers him to know that I know he is smoking heavily. But I even explained to him that I would be the last person to judge him. How could I when at one point we use to smoke together. I did explain that I am worried about him. Through his use, I have seen him lose his house and is now living in a trailer with his bf. I have watched a man who is known to keep up his appearance now look like hell. I have seen him lose nice things to now end up in debt with maxed out credit cards.

It hurts me to my soul because I love this man. I have not preached at him because it's the last thing he wants to hear and I don't want him to feel that I am judging him. If I could ask the Goddess for one favor, it would be for him to stop smoking and be a part of my life again. Actually that's two favors or a really big one.

Now on to the bf. I can't say that I don't like him but I hate how he has taken my friend from me. I have heard about the hell he has put my bff through because of his insecurities. He has even infected my friend and made him poz but I don't really hold that against him because my bff knew that his last lover died of AIDS. My friend made that choice. I hate that they are letting the crack ravage their bodies and just blowing caution to the wind when it comes to their health. What I hate most is that I feel helpless when I want to help my friend.

It seems lately everyone is wanting to come out with a remake of something. Michael Jackson is doing it with the remake of his Thriller album. Yeah, I know it is in celebration of the original's twenty- five year anniversary. But some things are better left alone. Actually, I prefer the original. It seems like ever since Diddy dropped some loops of older music on his songs everyone wants to try their hand at it.I won't deny that I liked the song by Notorious B.I.G., "Mo Money, Mo Problems" which had the loop of Diana Ross' "I'm Coming Out" or the song "Notorious" which used the loop from Duran Duran's "Notorious". Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But I don't think Diddy was trying to pay homage to the original artist. And I don't know what Michael Jackson was thinking because his remake is not going to top the records his original broke. I know his last couple of albums didn't fare too well but please don't throw something together and think I'm gonna be suckered into liking it.

I guess what I am saying when it comes to the music is, what happened to talent? It seems like the music industry is putting together groups who can dance or sing along with a rapper to do a few lines of profanity and it's considered a "hit". Or have a rapper who throws a few strippers in his video, call females bitches or hoes or talk about killing someone. I guess that is considered the new standard in role models for the youth of today. No wonder the younger generation has no respect for anyone or anything. OMG, I sound like my parents!!!! I listen to some of the rap that is out now, well, not really the words anymore, just the beat.

Now it has even crossed over into the movies. Correct me if I am wrong but I think the movie, "The Grudge" started it.Then there was "One Missed Call". Now Jessica Alba has a movie out called "The Eye".The originals were done by the Japanese, I believe. Rob Zombie even did a remake of "Halloween" but in all honesty, I don't feel that was a remake but more of a spin on the original. I think he was trying to make one see what serial killer Michael Myers life could've possibly been like. In somewhat of a trailer park trash kind of view but at least he put some thought into it. With the other movies, it just seems like they Americanize it, where is the creativity in that? I don't even look forward to going to the movies anymore, I'd rather wait for the dvd. Or I will get my hands on a bootleg just to see if I want to buy the dvd. If you noticed, I have been speaking on horror movies because that is what I like to watch. I am not one to really get into the mushy movies. But if I am going to spend my money on movies or music, I want to know that my money was well spent.

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned this before but I am a wrestling fan. I have been since I was a teenager. Back in the day I use to collect all the T-shirts and would do it now if I could afford it. The same goes with going to wrestling events which come here every blue moon. And usually when they do it is at the end of the month when I am broke. I think I have gone to two events in my lifetime,the last one was in 2006. The seats sucked but I was just happy to be there but I swore to myself if I ever go to another one, I have to have ringside to 3 rows back. I say that because I am only 5'3 and when people stand up I can't see. The ultimate dream would be to go to Wrestlemania which is like the Super Bowl of wrestling.

I never wanted to be a ballerina like most girls, I wanted to be a wrestler. When I was younger you didn't see many female wrestlers not like you do now. The ones I remember were The Fabulous Moolah (R.I.P.), Luna, and Sensational Sherry. I wanted to be them, I didn't see anything wrong with it considering that I was a tomboy anyway. Then along came Chyna who showed the world that a woman could fight against a male in wrestling and win their coveted Intercontinental Belt. Don't get me wrong, I have mad respect for the female wrestlers today which are now called Divas and rightly so. They are proving to the world that they are more than just some T & A (tits and ass) and they are doing more than just wrestling.

I may be a little long in the tooth being that I am thirty-nine years old and could use some exercise. But I know I have what it takes to be a WWE Diva. I have the attitude, drive, motivation,perserverance and looks. Everything that I see in all the divas I watch every week. It's a shame that HIV laid the smackdown on me and took away my dream.

By now I think everyone who has been following my blog knows my issues with disclosure. So, I am not going to rehash it. Even with knowing how I feel about it, people have called me shallow and selfish for not allowing the other person to have a choice in the matter. And I could even relate to how they felt considering I never was given the choice either despite their insults. I took it all into consideration when I started dating Kevin. I had made up my mind that since I was not ready to disclose that I would not engage in any sex. It would strictly be about getting to know each other and when I felt the time was right I would disclose. Thus, he would be given a choice.

I swear it is funny how things happen. I had not heard from Kevin all last week then unexpectedly I get a call from him on Monday night. I had given him a time limit and if I had not heard from him then I would just cut my losses. I had gotten the call before the time expired so I wrote it off. During our conversation on the phone, I had made it clear to him that it wasn't about sex with me. I explained that I wanted someone who was willing to get to know me and that the sexual side would come later.If it was meant to come at all after disclosing. I don't like to try to plan those things or make a date. After I said all this, Kevin said he understood and even agreed but was still trying to get me to spend the night at his house. I declined explaining that I felt it was too soon for that. We have only been knowing each other a month if that. We agreed to get together today.

He arrives to pick me up while leaving a message with some doctor's office complaining about how poorly he was treated in regards to an infection he had acquired. I know what it was because he said it but will not mention it here. I will just say I have seen it discussed in the forums and it gave me reason to be concerned. But before allowing myself to go into a panic right then, I figured I would just wait and see if he would discuss it with me while we were watching the Resident Evil movies I had brought from home.

We watched the movies and all of a sudden he was trying to peel my clothes off. Hold up, wait a minute!!!!---- I could've sworn we had the conversation about getting to know me and all that. But here he is trying to get me naked. I firmly told him it wasn't happening. Now he wants to discuss why it isn't going to happen. WTF? Who the hell was I talking to on the phone last night? I could've sworn it was him. Then I get a flashback of the conversation he was having when he picked me up. Once again, I am like WTF? I know or should say I assume he isn't poz but I think homeboy should be doing a bit of disclosing on his own. And then he had to go and say some shit that really put the nail in the coffin. He had to mention buying some Coronas and some cigs. Soon as the words came out his mouth I became livid. Everybody say it with me now, WTF? I didn't ask him to buy me cigs or buy the Coronas, he chose to do that and because he did, I am suppose to give him some ass!?!

Stick a fork in me, I was done. I asked him to take me home. He wanted to act like he didn't hear me and lay on the bed beside me. I asked again and got ignored again. I wasn't waiting on a third time, I started text messaging my son and asked him to pick me up. My son was there in under five minutes and I was gone.

Not to worry, I am not going to fall into a deep depression about another relationship or beginning of one gone bad. But I can't help but feel discouraged. I can't help but to ask why stuff like this keeps happening? I am a very straight forward woman. I speak my mind so that there can be no misunderstandings. What gives? I tried to go about things the right way and it still backfired on me.