Michelle's POZ Blog

I have been blessed to have two best friends---one female and the other a gay guy. I have been room mates with both at one time or another. I met the female through her brother who I use to go with back in the day. The gay guy I met when we lived in the same building which at the time was full of gay guys, I was the only straight one and the only female. Let me tell you, it was the most fun experience I ever had.

Through the years I have often lost touch with both of them but we always seem to have found our way back to each other somehow. I am still in contact with my female best friend. Even if we don't see each other everyday, we still talk, either by phone or instant messenger. I wish I could say the same for my gay friend.

I feel like he has been taken away from me. Not by his own choice but because of his bf and crack. Since he has been with his bf which I think has been at least five years, I barely see him and we never talk anymore. I feel like his bf isolates him and doesn't want him around anyone but him. As for the crack, I think it bothers him to know that I know he is smoking heavily. But I even explained to him that I would be the last person to judge him. How could I when at one point we use to smoke together. I did explain that I am worried about him. Through his use, I have seen him lose his house and is now living in a trailer with his bf. I have watched a man who is known to keep up his appearance now look like hell. I have seen him lose nice things to now end up in debt with maxed out credit cards.

It hurts me to my soul because I love this man. I have not preached at him because it's the last thing he wants to hear and I don't want him to feel that I am judging him. If I could ask the Goddess for one favor, it would be for him to stop smoking and be a part of my life again. Actually that's two favors or a really big one.

Now on to the bf. I can't say that I don't like him but I hate how he has taken my friend from me. I have heard about the hell he has put my bff through because of his insecurities. He has even infected my friend and made him poz but I don't really hold that against him because my bff knew that his last lover died of AIDS. My friend made that choice. I hate that they are letting the crack ravage their bodies and just blowing caution to the wind when it comes to their health. What I hate most is that I feel helpless when I want to help my friend.