Michelle's POZ Blog

I have been missing in action since January 15. Many had wondered where I had gone. I’d gone down a very sad and lonely road called depression. And to be honest, I didn't want to live anymore. I won't try to sugar-coat it. I know many are wondering what could make me feel such a way. A few things made me feel this way such as being without my hearing aids since mid December, financial issues, and feeling totally alone due to this damned virus.

Being without my hearing aids really left me feeling disconnected with the rest of the world. The act of trying to communicate and not being able to hear is a real bitch. I have been without a car since March of 2007 due to a car accident and it really took away my independence. If I still had my car, I would not have been without my hearing aids for as long as I have been. I know many are saying, “what about getting a ride from someone?” or something of that nature. Believe me when I tell you, it really was not possible, there was no one I could depend on, not even my case manager at my ASO. The next solution most were trying to shove down my throat was public transportation such as the bus. You think? Even though there was a bus on the route to where my ENT was located, I feared getting off of the bus at a busy intersection which is known for its many car accidents and people getting hit by those trying to rush through before the light turns red. No, I am not making excuses by saying this, it happened last year to someone who could actually hear but was in a wheelchair.

I know everyone has financial issues but not everyone knows how it is to actually have to struggle to get by month to month on a disability check. Not being able to scrape together a few dollars in order to try to save for another car; not a brand new one but one that looks decent and runs good. One that can get me to my doctor appointments and trips to the grocery store. Or even to save a few pennies so I can buy some new clothes. Things the average person takes for granted but for me, I can't remember the last time I bought myself anything new in the way of clothes. To be able to buy something other than jeans and sneakers or to try my best to look feminine. To try my best to feel like a woman instead of look like a tomboy.

And the straw that broke the camel's back is being alone, which is kind of a double edged sword with me. I seem to have a bad track record with men. I always seem to get with the wrong ones including the one I am still married to. The living together part lasted under a year. Why? When he heard I was poz, he ran for the hills, never to be heard from again. Since then I struggled with a few relationships along the way. But it was never on equal ground, it seemed like I was the only one who was willing to give something to the relationship and all the men ever did was take. Yep, I even tried being more selective but that still left me being alone. I tried to keep hope alive by thinking Mr. Right will come. Whether he be poz or neg, he has yet to make an appearance. And the frustration of it all came to a head around the time of my birthday which is January 12th. A day in which I should've been celebrating, instead it was spent crying.

This lead to voluntarily checking myself into the hospital for depression. The first few days of my stay was spent crying or else sleeping. I eventually got to speak with the doctor who was nice and tried to explain the stigma behind HIV. I really didn't need him to explain it; I know it all too well. I guess I just needed to be away from my environment for a minute and someone to listen to me. Honestly, what he was saying wasn't making me feel any better but the medication he prescribed for me was, so I guess it wasn't a total loss. I do plan on continuing to get some therapy, not with him but with someone else. I hope this person will be better than the good doctor. I know his job was to make me feel like everything will be ok but I really don't feel like it will be. I feel like I am going through the motions of simply existing because it is not yet my time to die.