Michelle's POZ Blog

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself...do something about it. If getting that car up and running and passing inspection is so important then make that a prioity. Instead of buying the good green as you call it, put that money aside for tires. Get you a jar and label it tire fund. Look for other ways you can cut back and put the money aside. With you being on disability Im sure its hard to save much, but every little bit helps. Look in the paper for used tires or maybe call a salvage yard. You might just find a set of tires good enough to pass inspection and get you by until you can afford a better set. Nothing is ever hopeless, just depends how bad you want it and what you are willing to sacrifice for it.

Only--

I don't see where I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I have been doing what I can to find the tires which I did find a set of used tires for 100 bucks. Problem is the place is not going to hold the tires for me til my next check day. I have called on friends for help as well who know of the situation but they don't have the money or any advice. I also called junk yard, none have any. My final thought was to post in one of my Yahoo groups which give things away for free in hopes that someone might have one or four, I'll take what I can get.

I was not surprised by you bringing up my weed smoking. You seem to think I buy it by the ounces and I don't. What I spend on weed would not even cover the cost of one tire if you must know.So when you think about it, if I didn't smoke and saved what I do spend, it would take me longer than my next check day to even get the tires.Since you wanted to bring it up.

I hate to bring it up...because you are so defensive about it,but the at very least 25 bucks you are spending on the budha is viable income that would eventually lead to some tires,eight weeks from now i bet you will have spent enough on it to at least buy 2 tires (used)...people are not going to feel sorry for you are compassionate towards you when you obviously are very proud of your habit,not to mention the fact that under gov.laws your disability can be revoked for buying illegal substances...with the $$$. I am sure this comment will send you on the same tyraid i have seen time and again in your blog,but oh well...light one up and watch your tire money burn to ashes...you reap what you sow...

Michelle,

I think people will continue to point out the fact that you smoke weed as the brunt of your problems.

Never mind the fact that you are deaf...

Never mind the fact that you have AIDS and take medications that are ripping your liver all to hell as we speak...

Don't even bother to mention how your appetite is fucked up from HIV either...

No you see, you must feel what they feel. If the detractors feel OK, then they figure you do also.

Sucks I know...

I guess you have no right to complain or gripe... atleast not until your in a wheel chair or something worse like living on life support.

Hang in there girl. If I was near by I would go steal a car and take the tires off and give them to ya... for a bag of weed of course!!!

Take care of yourself and keep that chin up sweety!!!

Skeebo

Sigh... Queen... Will ya ever get it? Will it ever end?

Have to second what Bobby T says... It's all about choices and reaping what you sow.

You may love your green, and obviously have a great deal of misplaced pride over your behavior but other then a illusion of relief what do you have?

Believe it or not Michelle I have empathy for you. Living on disability isn't easy. Forever beholden to a truly screwed up system. When you write glimmers of a truly intelligent and talented woman shine through. But what I, and I think others, see is a woman trapped by her choices.
Learn to live life on life's terms without an herbal crutch. It's a lot bigger world with a lot more to live for then the next toke. There's far more successful ex tokers in the world then there are successful herb users.

Ok, naysayers of the green who seem to take pride in the fact that you read my blog but it really does seem like you don't pay attention. I see Skeebo sees it. If you guys truly paid attention to my blog, my weed intake helps me to eat. What don't you guys get about that? If I don't smoke,I don't eat. And before you go to mention Marinol or Megace, those are not options for me. Marinol does not give me the urge to eat and because I am on depo shots I can not take Megace.

It would appear to me that you guys really don't pay attention to what I have written. I have admitted on plenty of occassions that when I started smoking weed it was recreational. It no longer is but then I guess it would be better for me to starve to death that way I could be another ghetto statistic for you non- smokers.

Skeebo-- Thanks for mentioning I am deaf but the naysayers would only comment that it has nothing to do with my smoking. It is good to see that someone actually reads what I am saying instead of choosing to have selective memories.

In no way am I asking anyone to feel sorry for me. Where did you see that I was asking for pity. I blog to vent feelings and share a part of myself with others. I have asked friends for help because they are my friends. I have asked no one who has commented or reads my blog for any monetary help nor do I expect any.

Skeebo,

Wow, that has to be one of the most enabling and asinine commentaries I’ve ever seen.
Michelle has hearing impairment. So what, so do thousands and thousands of other people. What the hell has dope ever done to either cure or relieve her hearing impairments? Jack shit Skeebs; smoking weed has nothing to do with hearing impairment other then enabling one to escape reality. Rather then spend time with a bowl spend the time learning alternative coping methodologies. Get involved in the hearing impaired community and make a difference as opposed to hiding your head in a bong.
Liver abnormalities/dysfunction from meds is possible. Again how the hell does smoking dope make the situation any better? Name one documented medicinal cure or benefit to the liver invoked by pot. You can’t can you? That was a statement made in ignorance and of malfeasant pride. Again, an escapist viewpoint from an enabler and someone who fails to see the truth in life.
Appetite and digestive assistant? Perhaps. There’s a precedent for that. But from prior writings that seems to be an ancillary motivation for usage.
As to wanting Michelle to feel like I do… I admit I’d like her to have a taste of my world. Actually, I’d like her to do better then me. I’d like to see her learn to fully live in the moment, to find joy in accepting and overcoming life’s obstacles. To feel the pride of success and self-reliance untainted by a chemical haze. To stand tall one day and tell the government to shove the disability pittance up their ass. What the hell do you wish for her??? Other then to join you in the gutter I don’t see much of value in your writings.

Timbo ooops

I mean Blubugeye...

If living in your judgemental world is better for Michelle then she has my blessings. I say go for it. You my friend have become just another uninformed puppet of the American government.

The only reason you give for explaining it to be wrong for her to smoke is the fact that she is on disability.

It's about choices my friend. Every person has a right to choose their destiny and who the hell are you to tell them they are wrong Timbo... I mean Blubugeye?

Give her ideas of course, but to constantly focus on the one negative YOU view her as having makes you look like the ass.

We have teachers, police officers, politicians smoking blunts on a nightly basis... let's pick on Michelle though correct?

Michelle,

Practice your freedom of speach while keeping in mind you also have the freedom to listen to this fool Timbo... I mean Blu.

Skeebs? Only a select few from the forums have ever called me that. MTD being one, but judging from the lack of edge to the above statement I know it's not him. Plus Matty would not use a bogus name now would he Tim... I mean Blu?

Ok guys, go to your prospective corners. It's obvious that you guys know each other. Skeebo, I appreciate you defending me. You do make a valid point about people in office or police officers who smoke weed. Reminds me of a story when I was at a store once and the cops were actually dealing with someone else but smelled weed coming from my car. I allowed them to search it and take the blunt in the ashtray but the cop was not trying to arrest me, he actually commented that the weed I had was garbage and he smoked better. Yet he took my blunt and probably smoked it later on if the truth be told.

Blu, I do take offense to something you did say though. Why do I have to not be in touch with reality because I smoke? I function quite well and am able to do plenty of things while under the influence. Maybe you get your opinion from someone around you who does smoke and is probably an airhead, I don't know or you actually believe those anti-drug commercials they have going about pot. But to agree with you on one point, smoking has nothing to do with my hearing loss though I wish I knew what did nor will it make my hearing better.

I will not apologize for my smoking and I don't feel my smoking makes me any less of a human being. At this point in my life I need it to survive unless you know of something else that will help me to eat. I will ask my primary doctor if my weed intake is damaging to my body. He(my doctor)knows I smoke and doesn't seem to have a problem with it. Not once has he said that I am out of touch with reality. If anything he has been on my ass to stop smoking cigs more than my smoking weed in regards to my hiv. Which I think in all honesty he will tell me the meds I am taking probably are. But just like the meds help in one instance they are known to hinder somewhere else. I think that is the case with about any medicine you take.

And I am curious, what is your world like? I am assuming because you work you may have a bit nicer things than I do. But I can only live the life I am dealt and I do the best that I can. I may not be the happiest person on the planet but I am sure I am not by far doing the worst.

I don't depend on anyone to do anything for me. But if there is help to be had, I don't have a problem asking for it when I need it. It sucks to have to live from month to month on a disability check but I am trying to do the best I can with what I have.

You REALLY need to stop being so pessimistic. If your getting so worked up over not having a running car then ask yourself why it is that you need the car so badly. Honestly,living on disability is not supposed to afford you such a luxury...that's why theres public transportation. I understand what you are going through because I too am experiencing the same thing. I was diagnosed with HIV roughly 3 years ago. I was very sick and could no longer work. I had to go on disability. Despite being very sick I decided that I was not going to let having HIV define my life and limit me from attaining the things I want. I went back to work and I am now a full time university student studying to become a lawyer. I can guarantee you that having a negative outlook on life (as you stated in the title of your blog "I hate looking forward to things...it only leads to disappointment") will limit what you can achieve. Life is full of hardships and disappointment - weather you have a disability or your HIV positive or you are the healthiest person - things do not always work out. I would advice you to start thinking positive thoughts. I wish you all the best.

Bella--

Thanks for your comment. The fact is I need a car and public transportation does not get me where I need to go. Examples of this would be to doctor appointments,it took me a long time to find the one I have and I will not settle for one who is closer and treats me like a number instead of a person, also places like the grocery store. And because I am on disability, I am not suppose to have a car? I don't quite get that one.

I actually use to be full of optimism but after being hit with what I consider to have been constant obstacles, it's a little hard to be Suzy Sunshine.

I congratulate you on achieving what you have and hopes to be able to work again some day too. Just wondering, did your accomplishments happen over night? Were you getting help accomplishing some of the things you have? Not saying you did but am asking. I don't expect things to happen over night and the things I have accomplished I have done on my own after being told that I make too much money to get help because I am on disability.

I am making an effort to do something and may have a job soon. It may not be part of a law firm but it is better than nothing should I get it. I do count my blessings when I get them but the blessing are few and far in between. Have a nice day!!!!

If I needed money as bad as you say you do I would be cuting everything off that I didnt need to survive on a daily basis. Cable TV and internet connection just to name two. You got so behind on your gas that you are waiting for someone to pay the bill for you or at least part of it. How can you justify having luxuries like cable tv and internet. I know you will say the gas bill isnt your fault, just like everything else isnt your fault. Kuddos to you for trying to get a job. But I dont understand why you need a clothing allowence and then to use the clothing allowence for repairs on your car.... guess you didnt need clothes after all...sounds like you are just using the system. If you got a clothing allowence, it should be used for clothes and nothing else.
But I know you will have an excuse for everything.

Despite receiving disability I did not have help from anybody...I was feeling like I could never accomplish anything while receiving disability so I got a job instead.Mind you when I found out my HIV status my CD4 count was 8, I had a bunch of illnesses and my viral load was literally of the charts. I was actually still working up to the week I found out. I received disability for exactly six months until I went back to work.Things did not happen overnight for me, I had to work very hard(and still have to) but I did not wait for some miracle to happen or for someone to give me help.
I was not saying that you should not have a car because you are on disability...I was just saying having a car is a luxury that you may not be able to afford while receiving disability.
I wish all the best and I hope everything works out for you.

Only--

I would agree that cable is considered a luxury. But without the cable, I wouldn't get any kind of tv reception. I know you are going to mention the rabbit ears,I had done that before I could even get cable and it did not help the reception. I could only get one channel but I guess in your eyes that would be better than nothing at all. Or maybe looking at four walls would be more entertaining? I don't expect you to believe me nor do I care if you do honestly. I am just answering your questions.

About the gas bill, I suppose it is my fault that the place I live in has poor insulation because that is the reason why my gas bill is so high. No excuse just the facts maybe you should come visit so you can see for yourself. And I don't have the right to get help for it? I have asked the landlord to do something about it but he hasn't. I suppose that is my fault too?

The reason that I am now going to use the clothing allowance for a car is because after weighing out the pros and the cons of it all, I will end up needing a car more especially since I plan to be moving which will put me further from my job, should I get it.But I suppose that is just another excuse to you.

In your eyes, I guess you would see what I am doing as "using the system", I see it as trying to survive the best way I can in order to help myself from being dependent on the system. But then maybe you would be satisfied if I took my disability check and bought drugs so I could sell it in order to have cable,car,clothes and some bling. Then you could find something else in my life to bitch about.

Bella--

Congrats on everything you have accomplished considering your health was doing so badly. I apologize if I lashed out at you but you can see the kind of judgmental people I deal with. If I was waiting on a miracle best believe I would've been dead a long time ago. I wish you continued success with your life.

Queen, don't let this ISH get you down, These are just some people who think that they are holier that thou. Please believe they are probaly getting plenty of help themselves. I feel where you coming from. Keep your head up baby, everything is going to work for the good.

Michelle,

Do not let these people-with-their-heads-up-their-asses get to you. You're better than that. No one-absolutely no one- has the right to judge another human being. You're an intelligent woman who's been dealt a very nasty hand, and is trying. No one here lives a day in your shoes, and until one does, I suggest staying off Michelle's back.

As far as internet, cable tv, and a car being luxuries, puh-leeze. I'm on disability and have all these things. And if someone wants to jibe at me for it, then kiss my sweet, sweet ass. I don't have to justify having anything (nada) to anyone. We are all adults here, aren't we? It seems like some of you have a mother-complex (a very judgmental mother at that). If there's nothing positive to say to Michelle, then leave her the hell alone already. Obviously some of you have nothing better to do than to assume you're superior to someone who's a little different. You're probably all right-wing Bushies with your nose up McCain's ass.

Ok, I'm done. I just get offended by people who believe they're all-knowing about everyone else's life.

Very well said Betty. You got me thinking... In my usual ignorant sort of way stemming from my malfeasance pride, that is. I would die without my cable, internet, and car. So that makes em all necessities in my book. Not like food, but more like sex.

Betty, Keeping,and Skeebo--

Thank you guys for your support. I am glad someone actually understands how it is in the real world. And you have to do what you can to survive. All that the naysayers seem focused on is my smoking weed even after I have repeatedly admitted to it starting out as being recrational(in my youngers years) to being a necessity now(helping me to eat)but even with that they find something wrong in it.

It must be nice to go through life without having problems or obstacles such as what I deal with on a daily basis. It must be nice not to have to ask anyone for any kind of help. And just so you judgmental people know, I ask at the last possible moment and anything I do borrow or get from someone I pay back even before I get some weed. Happy? I know you're not. It must make you feel really good to rip apart a person who is doing the best that they can with the little that they have. A person who is actually tired of being part of the "system" and would prefer to be an individual and function without help from the system.

Im sorry if I come across as harsh and judgemental. I was just giving you suggestions as what you could do to save money. I have had to have my cable and internet shut off, lived on beanie weanies and cornbread for over a month, walked or used the bus to get to my dr appointments because even though I have a car I couldnt afford the gas. The closest the bus goes to my dr. is 8 blocks, which isnt bad unless its cold out. So I know what its like to have it rough. I guess you only want people to respond to your blog that will feel sorry for you and agree how bad you have it. Since that is the case I will wish you well and I will try to refrain from responding to any of your blogs since its become clear that you dont want any suggestions that might help only people that will coddle you.

Onlyone, if you've had your cable and internet shut off, why should the rest of us? It's obviously bad money managing on your part if yours is shut off and ours is still on. I think you're the one who wants the coddling.

And there's a huge difference between empathy and sympathy. I suggest you look these up.

IF you need money for things you feel are necessary...like a car, gas bill, food, then you do what you have too. The only reason I had those shut off was because I needed the money for more important things. So its bad money management on MY part because I chose to have those things shut off when things were rough for me and I needed the money for what I thought was more important. But with Michelle and anyone else its out of their control. BS! But you go ahead and call everyone that hasnt responded to her blog the way she wants names. Thats really going to help her isnt it.

Interesting

Only--

It is really getting on my last nerve that you keep accusing me of wanting people to feel sorry for me, after I have said that is not the case. I use this blog to put my feelings out there about things going on in my life. I don't have a problem with some friendly criticism but you always have something to try to slam me for. You very seldom give advice but instead try find fault in something I have said. I have often wondered why you even bother to read my blog or comment since I seem to be looking for sympathy and using the system as you put it.

Since I am so below your standards, I don't see why you insist on reading my blog. Why come back? But when someone else agrees with me about something or feels a bit of compassion, they are coddling me. Anyone who has you as a friend sure as hell doesn't need any enemies.

Whether you decide to continue to read my blog really makes no difference to me. I don't blog for you, so your acceptance is neither desired or required.

Only, your immaturity really shines through. I pay all my bills and can still make the cable/internet bill. And I never called anyone a name. I think you're seeing things that aren't there.

I agree with Michelle; if all you want to do is blow off some displaced anger, why read her blog at all? You certainly don't contribute anything worthwhile.

My thoughts.....Betty, I disagree with you, I believe we are all allowed to our potions in any matter that interests us. I also believe that judging is completely natural. I have been judged on my actions and don't find it insulting or unwarranted. As for Michelle, I disagree with what you do. However, and this is a very strong however.......We live completely different lives. Would I do what you do, such as use clothing money to fix a car? I probably would. Do I understand the struggles in your life? No, I don't. I don't have HIV, I am a McCain supporter (Betty) and I live a comfortable life while studying at a prestigious university. I have no Idea what Michelle goes through, or what sacrifices I would make to get by if I was. Michelle doesn't need coddling, what she needs is for people to look closer at her life and understand her. She deals with crisis differently than I do, and I am sure differently than most of you as well. This does not make her a bad person. She airs her dirty laundry not to be crucified but to deal. Let her do it her way....

Justme - Well said.

Judgment is simply a modality that connotes the speaker's strength of inference or confidence in belief. An outward expression of epistemic modality.

Skeebs - Timbo? Not even close. Not that it matters. It's a blog, it's on the net, we all have opinions, they're aired and shared. BFD

Betty - Persist in arguing for anothers limitations and indeed they can become insurmountable.

End of the day we all have to live with our selves, our actions, and our perceptions of reality. Right or wrong, good or bad.

Michelle - Bonne chance et longue vie.

Ever read "Still I Rise"?

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
you may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Blubug your comments are pretty rich coming from someone who has been known to steal their internet connection. To quote you from the forum:

Borrow a wireless router, pirate a neighbors connection. Lots of helpware that will enable you to ummm aquire passwords on the net. I was able to do this for the last few years. Damm near began to view free internet as a right.Then the neighbor moved. No more net gravytrain.

Get a life and leave Michelle alone already.

only, if you expended as much energy on getting your husband to attend therapy as you do on dogging Michelle, maybe you'd have sex more often.

Get a life and leave Michelle alone.

Jeez Michelle. You sure are popular.
Chin up doll.

Wow. It looks like the comments from this entry could compare to an episode of Jerry Springer. That was not my intention nor do I have any dirty laundry to air, I forget who used that term. What I am is a blunt and straight forward woman who does bite my tongue. I don't recall airing any type of dirty laundry unless that is what you consider my life because you live such a wonderful one I suppose.

What I have figured out is that the ones who have so much to say and usually negative things are people from the forum. But when it comes to my blog you guys want to hide behind a name I am not familiar with. I guess no balls to stand behind your convictions,what a shame.

I have been told plenty of times that I don't have to explain myself but I do in order to be fair and to show that I don't have anything to hide, not anymore. I am done explaining myself and I don't have anything to hide.

Once again for those who have a problem with what I say in my blog, stop reading it. Those who have supported me, I thank you.

I have only jsut read theses comments and I can not believe how judgmental some people have been here!!!

And can't understand why? -i.e whats in it for them? If they do not like what you say, or do, why read your blog?

I am new to HIV having only just been diagnosed in January at 55 and after taking no risks myself to lead to this - it was a shock,

So at times I feel pretty down and in need of sympathy, encouragement and empathy myself - and I think everyone with HIV must be. And I get some of this online, as where I live I have not yet met one other HIV Poz woman so I can only go online to take to others in the same position as myself.

And one thing I have learned in the short time I have had this issue...
Is that we all have to get through in our own ways
And what we need is unconditional support

What we do not need is to be judged.

And this sort of thing makes me - someone new to wanting support/empathy/understanding for my HIV, and seeking it on the Internet in forums, blogs etc - feel a little unsafe!

I think Michelle is doing the right thing in not responding anymore.

Just continue your blog darling and say what you like - can you moderate any comments and just delete any you don't like?

I would if it was my blog, all those judgmental posts would just be deleted.

Its your blog - you do not have to have anything on it - not even comments - you don't want or like

I applaud Michele for writing her blogs and being so honest...few people have the bravery to do so. I think when you open yourself up like she has it is natural for people to react with their own opinions. I personally do not think the comments left were disrespectful, Michelle presented a problem and people repsonded by advising her on what she should do. Deleting comments you do not want to hear will not accomplish anything. People are not always going to say the things you want to hear, it does not mean that they are looking down on you or are being disrespecting.

Keep it green lol If it works don't try and fix it.
But about your dilema have you heard of www.craigslist.com?
I'm sure its in your area as well. If you don't see what you need then ask on their site. Its an awesome site.

God Bless you and my prayers are with you.
Good Luck Hun
BJ

Barb---

Keep it green, I like that and 420 is coming up don't ya know...*snickers* Actually, I never thought of looking on Craig's list..duh.. I will give it a shot, it definitely can't hurt. Thanks for the suggestion and your support.

Hey, girl. You nailed it...these chicken shits always have just SO much to say about how you should live your life and hw they are so above it all - while hiding behind some unknown name. Full of bullshit, they are.

blubugeye, blubugeye...trying to figure you out. Hmmm....who writes so pretentiously? I'll have to think on that one. One of a couple of fine gems on here.

I would just like to take a moment and shout out to skeebo! Nice to see you still around these parts some.

Michelle..It seems most people that post you are newbies....try being poz for 20 years and have your neg wife die from cancer! The weed is about all that could pull us through. and by the way I was strait and sober for ten miserable years
keep on goin!