Michelle's POZ Blog

For those of you who don't follow the forums, let me update you on what's going on now. On the fourteenth of this month, I had an appointment with my primary doctor. I had not seen him since last September which is about the time my car went down. The appointment was basically to catch up with things and to let him know about two lumps I had been feeling since around Easter. He checked me, felt the lumps and scheduled a cat scan of my stomach. I went to the hospital closest to my house this past Monday to get it done.

It was already evident that something is amiss since the lumps are there. I have since gotten the results back. I have a lesion which is about 2.1 centimeters on my liver and a cyst on my left lung. I found this out yesterday. I think even the doctor's office felt bad for me, I could hear it in the nurse's tone when she was talking to me. It was almost as if she wished she didn't have to be the one to tell me the news. Who could blame her, how do you tell someone who is poz, diabetic, and partially deaf this type of news? She did and I broke down on the phone, trying to talk through the rush of tears.

I called my clinic nurse, told her the results and that I think my HIV meds are the culprit. She went on to tell me that she thought I hadn't been on them long enough for something like this to happen but was worried about my mental state...ie...my depression and a trip back to the hospital. I assured her that was not the case that more than anything I am scared. She told me she would relay the news to my ID doc and get back with me.

And since then I have been through a flood of emotions. I am scared and angry. Scared because this is new territory for me. I have never broken a bone or anything. The only surgery I have ever had was three C-sections. I know they will end up having to probably do something invasive. What worries me is the fact that my mother and father both died from cancer. What worries me is the fact that at this point I don't know where my cd4 and viral load are. In February, they were 401 and undetectable. I am scared of what effects this will have on my body. The primary doctor's nurse tried to assure me that it probably isn't cancer but I know she was trying to ease my mind and have me not worry but I can't help but to worry.

I am angry because I feel like I have enough shit on my plate and I don't need this at all. Who does, right? I feel like my God/dess has a mean sense of humor, forsaken me and I am pissed. I am tired of having to always ask why things are happening to me and what I did to deserve this. Despite the feeling of losing my faith, I still have the urge to fight and refuse to go out without a fight.

I have appointments to see two different specialists on April 30th and May 12th. My faith is gone but my anger is strong and if I am to get through this, it may be my anger I need to lean on instead of faith.