Michelle's POZ Blog

Certain things will always be out of your control, but there are a good number that suprisingly are in your hands. Have you considered an action plan to work your way out of the situation you currently live in? Do you have goals?

JustMe---

Yes, I have and had made plans to get out of my situation. Sometimes I feel like you really are patronizing me. One of the goals is to get this car working or haven't you been paying attention? Another one was to get a job which blew up in my face too. I suggest you try reading my entries again because that really seemed like a stupid question to ask. No, I'm sitting here twiddling my damn thumbs...Sheesh

OK. Everything is really shit now. This sounds like an episode of the Wire. First things first,you have to get yourself right with yourself. You have to find a way to renew your spirit in the face of all of this bad shit. Sometime the "never give up" mantra needs to be replaced with a new plan or simpler plan.
Goals are nice, but at this stage of your shit storm,keep your goals small and easy. Going an hour with out a negative thought or negative word. This is something very hard for me, but its how I am trying to work my way out of my present fucked up shit storm which is a Hawaiin vacation compared to your problems. Just try doing everything is a different way or new way. Another step or plan is to somehow get involved with people who seem to be successful,happy,or just not having the problems you are having. One of the easiest ways to find people is through a church. I have not done this,cause like many here I am skeptical of these people, but they dont seem to be having the problems I am having. I know I have to be smart and learn from those who are successful and happy. What are they not doing that I am doing? What are they doing that I am not doing?

Sometimes a change of scenery can work wonders. MOVE. Things do change when you move. I was unable to stop doing drugs and drinking when I lived in W.Pa., its all people do there,I moved to Texas and try to surround myself with people who dont do drugs. I miss my friends who do drugs and drink,we had great times, but my life is better without them.

I am gonna pray for you to God and your Goddess, I dont know if it will help, but it will take my mind off my own problems. That makes me happy. God, I am a selfish fucker.

You have so much crap going on now,its simply overwhelming. You have to keep it simple. One foot in front of the other. Dont dwell on the future or the past only the present. Each new moment can bring a success or happiness you can build on. I hope. And take that walk!

I am so sorry to hear about your son. My son got in trouble also just before he turned 18. He though was charged as a juvenile. You should apply for a public defender for him. Try to have him brought back to juvenile status. The charges would be much easier on him and not affect his adult record. I am not sure how hard a public defender works for the kids though. My son had a regular lawyer "Patty Ambrose" . You could call her and try go get her to work for you. She was very good to my son and I only had to pay her like $900.00 and she did thousands of dollars worth of work for him. I know how you must be hurting right now, it is so hard to lose a son to the law. Just so you know though when a child gets taken into custody as a juvenile they will get you for child support.

I'm not patronizing at all,In fact, these are very good questions. When you get defensive you cloud your communication skills. List your goals, and write out your action plans to acheive those goals. I'm sure you must be very upset and angry at the world for what you're going through but don't accuse me of being patronizing....take a step back and breathe. I'm asking what steps you are taking to overcome your situation....and i'm not asking that condescendingly either.

Jack---

I don't think my life is even close to an episode of The Wire. I know, I have watched the show. I am not trying to be the next Snoop or anything like that. I will just consider your comparison to mean that I have an interesting yet complex life. And you would be right in that regard.

Now what do you mean by "get right with myself"? Maybe you can explain that one to me. I like to think I am quite righteous on how I live my life. I treat my fellow man the way I expect to be treated. I'm not out here doing grimy stuff to people. I live a quiet life. Church is the last thing I need but I don't expect you to know that. I am a bit of a homebody but I tend to get out more when it gets warmer.

And like JustMe, you must not be reading my previous entries. I have goals in place and I am waiting to move. Financially I am not able to do it on my own but am waiting to hear back from a housing program. Hopefully, I will be able to move between May and June. That is something that is out of my control and am stuck playing the waiting game.

JustMe--

I am wondering how you can ask me if I have goals. Have you not been reading my previous entries, I could've sworn it was you who was commenting in them. And yes, I am in bitch mode but not at the world, the world didn't do this to me. As I have said in last entry, I am mad at my God/dess.

At the moment, my goals are on hold til I find out what is going on with my lung and my liver. An immediate goal that I am still working on is getting this car running. A goal that will help with other things and about the only thing I can deal with right now. As I stated to Jack, the other things are out of my control and I am stuck waiting.

The Wire comments came from this point of view, most of the characters always seem to be in a struggle with events beyond their control and I pull for everyone of them to make it out. And the system the government has in place to help people who need help the most is broken and corrupt at every level.
Sorry for everything else, I was just trying to point out some the things I try and do to get out of dark places.
By getting right with yourself I did not mean righteous, I meant it is more important to take care of your own problems now before also burdening yourself with guilt over your sons situation. Sorry, It just appears you have a lot on your plate right now and no human can handle them at once, you have to do them one at a time.
You seem very angry right now. I will tell you, you have every right to be angry, but it will get you nowhere but further into the dark hole, at least that has been my experience. The only reason I mentioned MOVE was because that is what I did and it worked. Sorry there also.
You have to be willing to try things that make you uncomfortable. You have to move out of your comfort zone.
No one has the answers, life is getting up everyday and doing the best you can and often that isnt enough. I only mentioned goals because in a prior post you admonished someone for criticizing your goals. I know you have goals, my point is people are always telling me you have to reach for the sky, and yeah I want it all, but in reality I need to build my confidence and happiness first by accomplishing smaller,easier to achieve goals everyday as I move toward those goal higher by moving outside my comfort zone. I am not being critical of anything you are doing or trying, just telling you what has worked for me in my attempts to get back on top after having my life and success derailed by HIV. Obviously it hasn't worked yet.
I have no idea who needs church and who doesnt, I just find when I am spending time with positive people good things happen and I have met a lot of those people at church.

Jack---

Yeah, ok, I see your point of view with the Wire comment but there is no happy ending or I should say not yet,with me. Hell, if it was that easy, I would've penciled myself in some good stuff...*LOL*

Best believe, I am only worrying about myself at this point. It doesn't mean I don't care about my son (not saying you are saying this) or love him any less. But we(my son and I) had this conversation before about him going to jail. The sad thing is he asked for this literally to happen to him so there is nothing for me to feel guilty about. My only regret is that I could've done a better job raising him than what my sister did. But that is a story for another time.

The goals I make for myself I consider to be realistic goals. Nothing that is going to make me feel bad if I can't reach them. I have a plan, always did but because of recent events, they too are on the back burner.

I'm glad church works for you. The only thing I can thank church for is letting me know it wasn't the place for me. And pointed me in the direction of what spiritual path I am on now.

There is a happy ending to the Wire? I am just watching season 4 at the moment. Imho,it is the best tv show/movie ever made. It seems so realistic at ever level,especially the politics and the actors are crazy good. I especially like Bunk,McNulty,Lester,Kima is beautiful,bubbles and of course Marlo. Oh,I forgot about Avon and Stringer,they were bad dudes,but very smart.

The plight of the public schools they depict is especially troubling. Politics and unions trump the kids interests.

I will admit to using subtitles.
http://www.hbo.com/thewire/finaleletter/

Michelle,

Some things are beyond our control. Your son has made a choice and now he must deal with the consequenses. It's a hard cold reality I know, but you cannot let it drive you down. You have too much already on your plate and you can only do what you can.
When I was 18 I got into some trouble and like your son I caused my mother a lot of worry and grief. I know I am probably responsible for taking atleast 10 years of her life due to stress.
There came a point that she finally started to do for herself. She started going to church, she found many friendships that way. That was what worked for her, not saying that would be your thing, but my point is she got tired. She got tired of sitting at home with an alcoholic husband and a son who could not stay out of trouble. I remember when I finally got my shit together how I was so impressed with how different and happy she had become.
She made these change at 55. She lived til 69.. I regret to think those last 14 years were her happiest, but then again it makes me happy to know that they were.
I don't know what would work for you... only you could say that, but like others have said changes need to be made because this shit is getting to deep for you.

michelle, let be one to say I know that even if things look bad in the future always remember that "god" only gives us things that we can handle. And even thou at this time things do look grime have faith in yourself and in god to make it thru it. I am not a reglious man, but I also have had alot put on me and with help from friends and family I am making it. And last there are many people who might be going thru what you are but don't have the courage to talk about it, so I commend you for the strength to ask for help even if it is on this computer "you have a friend" here in indiana that will not judge you nor leave you in time of needed. we all must stick together because separated we are weak.

Hi Michelle! My name is Diana from Toledo, Ohio. Sorry for what you and you son is going through. I do feel the same as you but my son and my situation is not as bad. My son is going to court for child abuse and to tell the truth. He was fighting with his girlfriend and neither one know which one hit the 4 year old. The police assumed it was him cause he is mixed black and mexican his used to be girlfriend is white. Now i can't sleep can't eat and again I feel what you are going through because my son is my only child. If you like you can email me at liltaco710@aol.com or dianasaunders1126@yahoo.com. when and if you do email me we can exchange phone number and talk on the phone. Sorry to hear about your situation and I'll keep you and your son in my prayers. Thinking of you. Diana

Michelle:
I don't have any words of "Wisdom" or advice that you have not heard yet. The challenges in my life affect me each day, and after reading your blog and the comments following I realize again that the pity parties I have for myself are a waste of energy. My life is not that bad and I should be grateful for what I have. You may not understand it, but once again someone, (you) have brought an awakening to me. "It (my life) could be worse". I'm not offering my sympathy, but I want to tell you that you must be one amazing woman. Sharing your feelings and the challenges in your life openly, hopefully are helping you face each minute, hour and day in your life with the strength to keep on going. I'm not sure how but things will work out for you. God does not give us any more than we can handle each day as you have said. I'll pray that you continue to find your strength each day, and that your Son will survive this ordeal and be a better person when all is done. For me it's the simple things in life each day that keep me going.
Take Care of yourself and you'll be better able to be supportive to your Son. If you want to chat or vent email me, if not stay brave and know that someone, me, a stranger is thinking of you.

Steven--

Thanks for the kind words. Just like reading my blog and the comments have inspire you, your words and the kind words of others motivate me when I am feeling my lowest. And I do understand what you mean.

And yes, my blogging has helped me a great deal. It has helped me to release a lot of feelings I had been carrying around for a long time. I'm glad to know that sharing my feelings or every challenge that I have been through or am going through is able to help someone. Or to just let them know that they are not alone when it comes to feeling alone or struggling.

The ordeal with my son is something that I am trying to come to terms with because I don't have any control in the matter and feel helpless because I can't help him. What I am trying or hoping to get across to him is that even though he is in jail, I am still here for him as much as I can be.

I don't know if I would call myself amazing but I do consider myself to be a good woman.

I feel for you in addition to diagnosed with full blown AIDS in 2000 I have also had rectal cancer which rendered me with a permanent colostomy I have a developmentally challenged 25 yr old son I've lost all muscle mass in my legs which would be fine accept Im a BBW which makes it appear as if I have pencils supporting the rest of my BIG BEAUTIFUL BODY I lost my dentures so Im toothless to boot (LOL) the list goes on and on I find a sense of humor helps ........if my situation was'nt so sad IT IS FUNNY ...... if you ever need to talk to anyone please feel free to e-mail me and pray honey it helps.

I feel for you in addition to diagnosed with full blown AIDS in 2000 I have also had rectal cancer which rendered me with a permanent colostomy I have a developmentally challenged 25 yr old son I've lost all muscle mass in my legs which would be fine accept Im a BBW which makes it appear as if I have pencils supporting the rest of my BIG BEAUTIFUL BODY I lost my dentures so Im toothless to boot (LOL) the list goes on and on I find a sense of humor helps ........if my situation was'nt so sad IT IS FUNNY ...... if you ever need to talk to anyone please feel free to e-mail me and pray honey it helps.