Subscribe to this blog's feedWith all the bitching and moaning I have been doing lately, I thought I would take the time to distract everyone and talk about my virus. Or why I don't talk about it. I am sure there are a few of you wondering about that considering it is suppose to be a poz blog and my fellow bloggers seem to talk about it in every entry.
My virus and I have been together for going on eleven years this year. I just started meds September of last year and within a month I was undetectable. But for ten years, me and my virus kind of co-existed without any problems. Not sure why that is, could be I have a mild strain or maybe genetics, who knows but I do consider myself to be more blessed than lucky. And how I look at it, if there isn't anything going on why bitch. But don't get it twisted, my virus does let me know it's still around with an occasional bout of something or other. Nothing really major like an OI. The worst for me at the moment seems to be thrush for which I am taking Dapsone but hopefully by my next appointment I'll be taken off of it. Physically I have been fine in regard to my virus. If anything, my diabetes (which I've only had a few years and am on pills for that) gives me more hell than my virus.
If I had to comment on how my virus has affected me, I would say it has been more emotional than physical. All of us pozzies knows the stages....denial, being ashamed, feeling dirty, asking what have I done to deserve this and the list goes on. Not to say I am over it, every now and again one of those stages still hits me----loneliness(sp?) Wanting to be with someone but afraid of the rejection because of the countless times I have been rejected.
Til this day, I have not found the solution but support and it has helped me. I still don't have the support of my family, they kind of ignore it until they want to use it against me(my sisters). My son, he accepts me and I guess I am the perfect example of why you should wear a condom. He hasn't said this but it's merely how I look at it. It doesn't bother me in the least, I want my son to learn from my mistakes. He keeps his johnson wrapped up and I am proud. When he has questions about stds, he comes to me for answers. Nothing is out of bounds between us.
My biggest support has been the forums. Despite the drama, there are good people there and knowledge. Even this blog has been a form of support to me also. It let's me put my feelings out there instead of keeping them bottled in which I have done for ten years. Trust me, it's good to let some of the shit go.
Comments (11)
Hello
I'm going on five years this year and I'm looking on ways on how do I forgive the person who did this to me, sense he did it knowing that he was positive and did not bother to tell me, How do I get over this?, How do I let the anger go?, Is it possible.
M
Posted by M | April 19, 2008 9:03 AM
Posted on April 19, 2008 09:03
M---
I know how you feel. It took me awhile to let go of the anger towards the person that infected me. I wish I could tell you how to let go of the anger but all I can really tell you is that you need to. Why? Because it is not good for you---your piece of mind or your body. Stress can affect your cd4 count, you know.
You've been carrying this anger for five years, what has it done for you? More than likely not a thing but get more upset when you think about the person who did this to you, am I right?
I went through extremes with my anger. From screaming (seriously) to writing the person who infected me a letter, telling him how I felt. I never did send the letter but it helped me to get things off my chest. I even ended up seeing this person again some years later. I never mentioned him infecting me but the anger was gone. Though he did look like he wasn't doing very well.
I'm not suggesting it is going to be easy letting it go or moving on but I truly feel it is something that you need to do. All that energy you have being angry can be used to doing more to trying to develop a new lifestyle cause having this pesky little virus does make us make some serious choices.
Have you considered or are seeing a therapist? Do you have any kind of support? Though, I, myself does not have a therapist yet, I plan on getting one. But until then my therapy is my blog and the forums. Maybe you should write a journal expressing your feelings and not leaving anything out.
I'll be praying for you..
Posted by Michelle | April 19, 2008 11:33 AM
Posted on April 19, 2008 11:33
hi nice blog . i know you and have for over 10 y you are doing good . im new to haveing hiv but i look at you . i have ben trying to date and telling is not eazy but i do . if thay dont like it thay well not talk to me after I tell . your 1st comment that is how it was for me to . well you did tell him all the right stuff . but the best is do not do it to sume one . love them and tell them it will work out and make you the better for doing so . it not eazy i dont want to pass it on . that is my gol
Posted by jeff | April 20, 2008 7:27 AM
Posted on April 20, 2008 07:27
Jeff-
Has it been that long already? We were some hellions, weren't we, now stop giving away my age..*LOL*..I agree, I am doing ok but I feel I could be doing better. You know me better than anyone who reads my blog so you know the reality.
Posted by Michelle | April 20, 2008 2:22 PM
Posted on April 20, 2008 14:22
Michelle, this is extremely well-written. Once again, thank you for such beautiful honesty.
Posted by Betty Tacy | April 21, 2008 9:19 AM
Posted on April 21, 2008 09:19
Betty--
Thanks. I can't see being any other way but honest. If being honest helps anyone who reads my blog then I take that as a good thing. I wouldn't want to sugarcoat anything and expects the truth from others when I ask for advice. I would rather hear the truth than what someone thinks I want to hear.
Posted by Michelle | April 21, 2008 11:56 AM
Posted on April 21, 2008 11:56
I finally figured out when and who infected me by going back to the hospital where I was diagnosed and getting the discharge records .
Well this did take a bit of time for me to realize after reading and rereading the papers I was holding in my hands bcause I was going thru denial all over.
Well to cut thru the the chase I have survived my infector by many years therefore I am considering my revenge on him as having done thw following .
1. I have outlived him by many years .
2. I take care of myself thru many means ie: eating right , walking daily ( which after having contracted punemonia and having it go to my brain thereby rendering me in a stroke like status I ended up in a wheel chair off and on for thrree months );
means a lot to me to be able to just stand up and move under my own power .
3. Attend my poz support group as often as I can so that I can network about upcomming or current clinical trials that I may be able to get in on or just to try and help others within the group deal with things that they might be having trouble with ie: meds issues, lack of access, co-pays et al .
4.Having a supportive family and a wonderful partner who makes it his duty to make sure that I adhere to my cocktail time frame each day even when he is on the road .
5.Outing my self thereby allowing others to see the me tha they always have not for what my body contains ( the poz virus ) .
I outed myself at work and even got support from my then managers after explaining the strict guidelines that the SSA has on earnings these among other various things have made me want to continue living the life that had in the past only not to make the same misteaks again thereby allowing me to be a productive member of my community .
Posted by bearby | April 23, 2008 1:53 PM
Posted on April 23, 2008 13:53
Hey girl!
Fantastic post. There's something crazy-raw-beautiful about you that shines through in all of your blog entries...but especially this one.
Someone said to me once, "Rejection is direction." And I love that. I believe that when someone is rejected because of their HIV the person doing the rejection is really saying that their fear is greater than their ability to love, evolve, transform, and be courageous. I can live with that truth. And I have also been pleasantly surprised by those who are evolved, loving and courageous.
I wish you all the best, and thank you for your voice, courage, and beautiful wisdom.
BTL
Posted by BTL | April 23, 2008 3:38 PM
Posted on April 23, 2008 15:38
Bear---
It seems like you are very proactive with things. Good for you. The best thing is that you have the support from family and your man. Good Luck to you.
Posted by Michelle | April 24, 2008 3:19 PM
Posted on April 24, 2008 15:19
BTL---
Crazy, Raw, Beautiful, huh...That's almost like Crazy, Sexy, Cool like TLC(was a girl rap group). I'll take all those to describe who I am, it works for me.
Rejection is direction, well the only direction that rejection gave me was the feeling of being down. But I hear ya, if it works for you that is great.
Posted by Michelle | April 24, 2008 3:24 PM
Posted on April 24, 2008 15:24
Dear Sir/Madam,
HOME PERFUMES PERFUMER CUSTOM REVIEWS FAQ BOUTIQUE CONSULT CLASSES CONTACT
The Essence of Natural Perfume
Two new perfumes launched by Anya's Garden 11/07
Be the first to experience and luxuriate in the fragrance of two very different, new-to-the-market citruses, paired in unexpected ways for very different results.
Anchoring the new citruses you'll find agarwood in the base, but two very different agarwoods - one light, golden and spicy, the other true Laotian and Vietnamese dark, deep, hypnotic Ouds. Read more on thePerfumes page.
Kaffir
Fragrance Family: Citrus-Leather
Exotic, gourmand, flirty, fun, and radiating good vibes of sexy playfulness, Kaffir can transport the wearer to explore their own version of intrigue and romance -- then smoothly moves into a rich, leather drydown. For the worldy and artistic man or woman.
Temple
Fragrance Family: Citrus-Spice-Wood
Luscious, fresh and a wake-up delight, the orange juice essential oil grabs your attention, and the borneol and cinnamon center you, quickly moving you into a spicy Oud base that provides strength and focus. Temple is a reflection of you, empowered, treating your body as a temple.
Note: samples of Temple will not be sold, due to limited amount of the perfume produced. If the notes appeal to you, or if you feel a soothing perfume might help as a healing balm, then purchase it for that purpose. It is not a frivolous perfume, it is meant to reach deep inside and soothe.
For the Survivors: Special offer for Temple Perfume
Blended along both Ayurvedic and Buddhist systems, Temple is a limited-edition perfume that is specially made for all of the survivors of the many physical disasters that have wrecked communities in the USA. It is hoped it will give courage in the face of post-traumatic stress syndrome that affects the survivors - I know, because I, the perfumer, am one of them. I have lived in Florida since 1985 and my first hurricane was Elena in Tampa, and the last - hopefully for some time - was Wilma, from which Floridians are still trying to recover.
The first 100 survivors of any disaster - hurricane, fire, tornado, flood - that write me by clicking on this page will receive a sample for free. Fifty percent of the profits from Temple will be donated to various charities that assist people and animals via their rescue efforts. The offer will end when all of the samples have have been claimed. Samples will be mailed out by December 1st.
Perfumes and samples are available on the Boutique page, where you will also find beautiful, luxurious raw natural essences such as Lavender Seville, Rose de Mai from Grasse and others from my private collection on sale.
Through December 1st, type in the world natural in the voucher at checkout, and receive 10% off all purchases.
Anya's Garden is a member of:
: Slow Food USA
Posted by Anya McCoy | April 24, 2008 6:40 PM
Posted on April 24, 2008 18:40