Michelle's POZ Blog

I guess this entry is an update on some things I had mentioned in previous entries or in the forums. I hate to have to say this but feels I need to because some people will think I am asking for pity, charity or to be coddled when in reality, I am not asking for any of those things. I need to vent, that is what this is about because about now I feel like crying, shouting, breaking shit and just giving up. What little glimmer of hope I had is diminished and the faith for good things to come is gone. Basically, I feel one step from being broken.

Let's start with the car since that seemed to have so many in an uproar around here. The car is physically here but with a list a mile long of what needs to be done to fix it. Out of the money, I had gotten from my clothing allowance, I spent fifty bucks to get the rotors and the brakes. My roomie (who happens to be a female) is a mechanic, just doesn't have the money to set up her own business. According to her, she feels the mechanic who had the car is trumping up the list a mile long but agrees in order for it to pass inspection it will need better tires. As I have mentioned before I have called many places and even today, a friend took me to a junkyard who actually had a set of four tires which were like new but the price was a buck eighty. Did I mention the place that I called originally who had the used tires called me back and the price went up. It started out being a hundred dollars but has now gone up to a hundred and ninety. Hmm, wonder why that is?

Then to make matters worse, yesterday, I happen to get in the car to start it up and it didn't start right away. I thought that was weird considering the battery in the car came from my Caprice so it should start right up.The battery was just over a year old and under warranty from Auto Zone. I mention this to my roomie who after hearing how the car sounded asked me to raise the hood. Come to find out, my fucking battery isn't in the car at all, it's a totally different battery. At this point, I am fucking livid. I guess the mechanic wasn't expecting me to notice. The reason I did notice is because this is actually the second battery I have lost trying to put into this car. Each time the bastards swapped batteries thinking I wouldn't notice. And one thing that burns my ass is when someone tries my intelligence. Just like a battery dying, my faith and hope died too. I called Auto Zone, they have it in their computer when I bought the battery. I could go to the mechanic and bitch but what good will that do? He probably will try to deny it and I don't want a battery that is laying around his garage. I want the one I paid for!!!!

Next on the hit parade, was the house I was hoping to get. That's not happening now. I called my landlord to find out what was going on and he lost the bid for the house. Yeah, I know nothing that I could possibly have control over but to me, it is something I was hoping for that went down the crapper. I can't even see a bright side or anything to look forward to regarding the house. My landlord tried to encourage me by saying maybe he will have something by the time my Section 8 kicks in but in the meantime, I am still here in an apartment where I am paying out more in gas than what I pay for rent. Just fucking great.

And let's not forget the job I was hoping to get. I know what you guys are thinking, I lost out to someone else. Uh, no, I lost out to the guy who intended to hire me. His ass went to jail last week and no one else in charge seemed to know anything about me getting the job. How's that for communication? I guess that's what I get for trying to get a piece of a job in the hood. I guess I bought those clothes for nothing now since the allowance was meant for me to have clothes for the job.

About now, I am feeling beaten, broken, disgusted, without hope or any other adjective you might want to throw in there. Keeping my head up and keeping the faith is not likely. For what it's worth, I have my health which is two diseases that is beating the hell out of my body. What a life, I guess the purpose of my life is to be in a constant struggle whether it be health wise or financially. If this is life maybe death would be a blessing.