Michelle's POZ Blog

I guess this entry is simply just an update on what's going on with yours truly. Last week I had my MRI done. I have heard stories about it. I can now tell you that I am not claustrophobic. Actually being in that contraption kind of reminded me of something out of the movie "Aliens". I forget which one but the one where Ripley and her crew were in like sleep pods or something. And while being in it, I actually had to catch myself a few times because I was dozing off. What I didn't like was that crap they shot up in my iv. It left a nasty taste in my mouth, made me hot like I was having hot flashes and made me feel like I had pissed on myself.

I called the liver specialist today to get the results from the MRI. It's now official, I have a lesion on my liver. Yes, they had said that when the cat scan was first done but I guess they needed to do the MRI to make it official. What gets me is that whatever else was seen on the MRI, the specialist now wants me to go to either Pittsburgh or Cleavland to see more specialists. Huh? I could've sworn he was a specialist. And I am jumping to the conclusion that something must be wrong since they are sending me out of town to get looked at. The immediate question is, how in the hell am I suppose to get there? I have a friend who has been carting me around like he was driving Ms. Daisy to get me to my appointments locally but not even he has the gas to get me to Cleavland or Pittsburgh. But before I go into hysterics, I will give my ASO a call and see if they can be of any assistance. Now I have to go and get an ultrasound done tomorrow. Since it is confirmed that I do have a lesion on my liver, I have to wonder what the ultrasound is even for. Maybe they are looking to see if there is an alien nibbling away on my liver.

I also went to go see the lung specialist today. For a change there is some good news. After looking at the cat scan, the cyst or nodule doesn't seem to be cancer. In fact, the specialist said it is so small it is a wonder that the cat scan even picked it up. He assured me that for the time being there is no need to do a biopsy.But he will continue to monitor it for the next two years which will have me going every four months to get scans done to see if it gets any bigger.

In conclusion, I am a bit relieved but still worried. But I'll take what I can get. And as I like to say, I am too much of a bitch to go out without a fight.

I figured since everyone else is going on about the stimulus rebates, I would add my thoughts about it too. Like everyone else, when Bush mentioned getting the stimulus rebates, I thought it was great. Who couldn't use some extra money but now with all the drama going on with it, the only thing it is stimulating in me is frustration.

I have been keeping up with it all---the IRS website as well as articles on Yahoo explaining the scheduled payment plan for which they are now LATE to their mistake of sending people's checks to the wrong bank accounts or not including the extra money for the children. Hmm, wonder what they're smoking over there at the IRS?

I know I sound desperate, I am, so are plenty of other people because we have plans for the money when it finally does show up. I think Bush and the economy may be greatly disappointed. They expect people to rush out and buy food. Some probably will while others will be trying to catch up on past due bills. I won't be doing either. I fantasized about spending it on myself but being the Capricorn that I am, I will go the logical route and will use it where it is needed most----getting the car legal. And it still won't be legal but it will get me closer to the goal. I am going to need a legal car soon to get me to those out of town appointments.

The whole ordeal is frustrating but at times comical. It is frustrating because it is almost like the IRS is dangling an imaginary carrot in front of people who are desperate for this money. Desperate people will do desperate things. The comical side is the IRS is quick to catch someone who owes them money but slow to give it out.

****WARNING-- I have smoked a joint before writing this so my thoughts are a bit scattered.***

It's a Saturday afternoon. I spent most of it doing my hair or more specifically sewing in some weave with my own hair. Not that my own hair is short, it goes just a bit past my shoulders, I just have a hard time doing anything with it. It doesn't like holding a curl whether it's during the summer or winter. I guess it has to do with my heritage. Anyhoo, most girls in the hood know how to do things such as weaving, braids or glue in tracks. I consider it a practical thing to know considering it saves me money.

I know, I know, get to the point right? While doing my hair, I began to think about things that white people and black people do to be like the other culture. Not that I have a problem with this, I think it's great to know about other cultures and their way of doing things. And please consider this entry as a light hearted somewhat comedic view of how I see some things. I guess I will start with my culture or half of it----Blacks or the politically correct name, African- Americans.

What is the fascination with black women and weaves? Of course, I include myself in this since I am wearing some. I'm sure there are a lot of women out there like myself who do it for convenence, it saves time when you have things to do. But being that I live in the hood, I see plenty of weave. Some of it is complimentary to the person sporting it and some border on the verge of being simply outrageous. What happened to the time of being natural? Do you consider yourself trying to be white by making your hair longer? And why does it seem like it takes a black woman forever to grow their own hair but white girls can cut their hair one day and a month later it's long again. And another thing, why would a white girl want to put weave in their hair when it's long already?

And let's move on to color contacts, shall we? Once again, I do include myself in this. I can understand matching a color that goes with your skin tone or looks natural. But blue or the ones that make your eyes look like cats. In all my years I have never seen a black person with blue eyes, green on occasion but even with seeing the green, it was a tip off that there was some mixed heritage going on. I played with the hazel ones because with my mixed heritage I could pull it off. I wouldn't consider wearing the cats ones or any other outrageous color unless it was Halloween and part of the costume. Just because I have a house full of cats doesn't mean I want to be one.

Now this one really had me going, hmmm since I was a young girl. My adopted mother is white and every summer once it got warm, she always would tan. Not sure if she was aware of her chances of getting skin cancer but I always wondered what was the fascination with being tan. And as I got older, I was often called the N word but wondered how someone who was white could call someone black that word. But at the same time be out in the sun trying to obtain a black person's color. And since scientists have concluded too much sun can be harmful to your health, white people now go to tanning booths to cook themselves or buy some type of tan in a bottle that you spray on.Then they go home to try it out and a day later they now resemble "The Great Pumpkin".

I can laugh about it now but it also caused me a lot of problems growing up.I had a hard time bonding with black girls because I went to Catholic schools and my mother was white. I remember being called "Snow White" because they thought I was mixed with white when I am mixed with Puerto Rican. Kids can be cruel. Now remember I am not bringing this up to be racist but to show a funny side to it all. And if I have offended anyone by talking this way, I apologize.

And while reading this entry if any of you have experienced something that made or makes you go...."Hmmmmmm, please share it. If anyone can answer someone's query please respond. This entry is meant as something fun, emotional and even educational. I guess you can say this is my time to get to know those who follow my blog or those just starting to read it. And though I usually never delete any comments left, if anyone comments in an ignorant or bigoted type of way, I will delete your comment.

As I have mentioned in past entries, I have an issue with trusting people. The reason for this is because of people burning me in the past when I put my trust in them. This just doesn't go for past relationships but a marriage that was doomed from the beginning as well as family betrayal. And if you can't trust your own family who can you trust? I really don't like being this way but it has become more of a defense mechanism to me. Or as the saying goes,"You fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."

There was a topic started in the forums called, "Where are all the poz men at?" It's been getting hits from gay men, women, and the occasional hetero guy. And it is a good question, where are they at? Being that I have pretty much turned into a hermit, I don't see them much. I no longer do the bar scene and enjoy the comforts of being at home. And quite honestly the men in my town leave a lot to be desired. I'm not basing it on just looks but other things like personality, honesty, or whether they are just interested in sex. At first, I tried to be open minded and just go with keeping it about the sex with no strings attached. But that didn't last long because I wanted to be more than just a piece of ass.

After giving it some thought and trying not to let the past hinder me, I decided to restart my ad on Poz Personals, updated one on OBC(also known as Online Booty Call), it is what it is, and one other one. I did the profile on OBC awhile ago too just for the record but every so often someone will hit me up. But nothing has ever come of it. I would have to say it is mainly my fault. What can I say? I lose interest when a person only hits me up with one liners and most of them usually are lame as hell.......NEXT!!!!! And what made me pull my ad on Poz Personals was when I came across a scammer and the fact that there were hardly any men that lived close enough to me to see. There was only one guy on there that could've been my soul mate or sometimes we both thought so about the other. But he died last November. We lost touch because of an arguement about him adhering to his meds and til this day, that still bothers me.

And this go around, I am definitely calling the shots. After what I have gone through in the past with relationships, I feel I have earned the right to. I'm not looking to get married or shack up with someone.He needs to be independent and have his own place. I'm not looking for anyone who is living with their parents. I think everyone deserves their space and I want mine. And the other person deserves to have theirs. I don't need to be with anyone twenty-four/ seven, all I ask is that I get some time, it's negotiable on what days. But if it is my time then nothing else should interfere with that unless it's some type of family emergency and I am not willing to compromise when it comes to his boys. I want someone who is willing to treat me like a Queen because if I am feeling him, I would consider him, my King. And anything that I am asking, I am willing to do in return.

Since getting the results back from the MRI I had done, my specialist now wants me to take a trip to see specialists in Pittsburgh. I have been researching ways to get me there but none seem to be available. I have tried the usual...bus, train,renting a car, asking people I know with cars for rides--paying for the gas and food or my final option of calling my ASO. None of them seem to pan out for various reasons ranging from not having a CC, well a pre-paid CC that doesn't seem to be worth the plastic it's printed on to conflict of schedules with the train and the hound. Oh, and the people I asked couldn't do it---I wasn't given a reason, just that they couldn't so I guess it was left up to me to figure out why.

I had been talking about it in the forums and people have offered their assistance. Some was helpful and some I totally disagree with for reasons of my safety. And honestly, I don't care if the people are from Craig's List. It doesn't mean the situation is safe because Craig's Lists offers up some suggestions or because there are others that have done it before. Hell, McDonald's has served over a billion customers but it doesn't mean their food is healthy. Or just because Jane jumped off a bridge and lived doesn't mean I will.People seem to forget that I try to survive each month on disability. Even though I couldn't afford renting a car, I was willing to go into my bill money to make sure I would make it to the appointment. Even if some things got turned off, I would think my health is more important.

And let's not forget the other stressful things going on in my life, like my son being incarcerated. I know there is not much I can do there but I guess having my son stressing me about getting money to a lawyer when he knows I can't afford it, is not suppose to stress me. I am suppose to put on a happy face and smile. WRONG...What I have been doing is crying uncontrollably and sleeping most of the day away when I am home. Due to problems with my room mate, I have been leaving the house. I guess it's one way to guarantee I get some exercise. Now who was it that said that the walk would do me good? Whoever it was---was wrong. I don't feel like a new woman or brand new. The frustration is still there. The bright side if there is one, that I am scheduled to see a therapist next month.

Do I think talking to a shrink will help? Highly unlikely and how I am feeling at this point, the last thing I need is to be patronized. I have already had that treatment from my worthless case manager at my ASO. And I swear, if I hear that damn saying that "God doesn't give us more than we can handle", I am going to snap. Frankly, I 'm tired of hearing that there is someone who is doing worse than me. I am aware of that but if I can't help my damn self, how in the hell could I ever help them?

So, I feel I have a right to bitch and moan. It's not like I am sitting on my ass and doing nothing. I am trying everything and nothing is working.