Subscribe to this blog's feedMost people love this time of year, the holidays which is suppose to be shared with friends and loved ones. I have come to hate it and it is usually the worst time of year for me. I have been in tears for the most part, fighting off depression, and trying to remain strong. I think I am losing the battle. I am almost to the point that I don't care if I live or die.
I hate it because I don't have the support of what's left of my family. The one person who I usually would spend my holidays with and get the most support from, my father, is gone. He passed away from cancer going on five years ago come February. He was my rock, my foundation and without him here, I feel alone. I don't feel loved at all. I feel like I am in limbo. Just waiting on death to make his appearance. I wonder when he shows if he can make himself look like Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black instead of dressing in a black robe and carrying around a sickle. Or will my father be there to meet me and take me over to the other side.
I see myself slowly giving up the will to fight. I'm tired of having to fight tooth and nail to try to survive in a world that has become cold and cruel. A world where love has come to mean nothing. And money seems to mean everything. Where people are not judged for their merits but for how much money they have. Or what their boyfriends or someone has bought them. I don't belong here anymore, I just don't. I wish I had the courage to take myself out but I don't. The best I can do is play russian roulette with my meds and just wait.
There are other triggers that have caused me to feel this way other than the holidays. I tried to give myself the pep talk of "I have dealt with a lot of things in my life and overcome them." But the pep talk to myself and from others is just not working anymore. I don't see a reason for living. I tried to make myself believe that if I could help others, it would help me. Now I feel like how can I help others if I can barely survive and help myself.
I try to keep hope alive but each day I feel a piece of me dying. And my hope of things getting better is dying right along with me.
I hope that tomorrow will be a better day for you and for all of us.
Michelle, if you're feeling like that, then please get yourself some help, even if that means checking into a hospital. Don't do anything to hasten death, please. We need you here.
Michelle, your post is really frightening. I hope you will go to a counselor or if neccessary check yourself into the hospital. When you cant live for yourself think about how your death would affect the people who love you, live for them. I'm glad you are talking about your feelings that is a good thing. Just remember this.
You cant take back death. You dont want to do anything you may regret later. Anything you do to harm yourself might not kill you it may just make you miserable or damaged forever.
There are people who love you. You are important.
I'm kind of there with you Michelle, unfortunately.
:( Dave
Michelle,
Sounds like the depression monster has got you pretty firmly in its grasp. Try to remember that depression makes our thinking all screwy and doesn't let us see any of the positive stuff (even if the positive stuff is only small sometimes). Things WILL get better, but you may need someone to talk to in order to help you see that. Have you contacted anyone from your women's group or asked a counselor for help? Stay strong, you matter to too many people to go quietly away.
I just wanted to say thanks for the comments left. And for those who mentioned going into the hospital, I don't feel that is an option for me. Since being there January of last year, I kind of know the drill and I don't feel being given another pill is going to make things better.
Dave and Michelle
Yup i got it too...just hate this money thing..its crushed me. Gave up all that need to have something like a career to live for in the 90's before ARv's. I just cant restart that greed for it now. The only thing that gets me by is working out, and there again, its not for other people to look at, its for me, I'm 49 now and got the body I would have paid for at 20. It just doesn't pay the rent though :)
Do the best you can to gut it out. I go through the same thing every year too. Lots of support out there
Dear Madame ,
I've just read your message . I perfectly understand what you feel . I'm also HIV positive . When I was told I was devastated . My chance was that I have a very good wife and a very good brother . After some month of profond depression I decided to fight for every moment , to enjoy every little thing , to pray more and to be patient in waiting the moment when AIDS will be like a flu .
As regarding you I wish you to be strong with the certitude that God don't forget you . My best wishes ,
Dr. MP
Michelle, sorry that you feel like that, but there are people worse off than you or me, I know it is hard I myself hate the holidays as they no longer have any meaning for me, I am Tired of the daily fatigue the ups and downs But we have to fight on even for our loved ones My family dont know about my situation and I cant tell them so I have to fight on by myself with the help of of few friends that know and are keeping me strong and one of my friends is aged 101 years old, I help him and he helps me, life is full of swings and Round abouts the trick is not too fall off the round about and swing as high as you can this will bring you rewards a plenty, Hang on lifes for living not to give in....
Michelle,
I understand where you are coming from, I have been there and I feel greatly that alot of us with Hiv have danced around deep depression; but few have really exposed it to the light so that others could see us. I'm not going to try to tell you that your situation is worse than mine, I don't truly understand your pain because I haven't experienced it through your eyes. Each of us has our own private hell that we must deal with. I have been infected for 19 years and I fight bouts of fatigue that make some days a challenge. Years earlier in my life, I shared my situation with friends and had them turn their back on me. I had learned not to rely on others since I have no supports from family due to their ignorance and paranoia.
The holidays are not necessarily just for your family,....I have recently, (within the last year) began opening myself up more to others and have discovered friends who have accepted me and I have begun to look forward to the holidays. Now I am able to spend time with those who really care about me.
I hope you find the power that is within you to change your circumstances. There are many good people here pulling for you,...and sending our good wishes and prayers to you.
Remember, If God takes you to it, he'll take you through it.
Michelle
I love you, it is just that am emails away from you. But I love you, I care so please take heart. There are many people that care for you. Get up and live.
By the way am from Africa, both my parents died years ago and recently....I becam single. Well someone said sorry you are now alone..on your own. And I swallowed it, silently I said I will fight on, I will be stubborn enough to conquer the emptiness and the loneliness, and yes am on course. Take heart, stand up, get necessary help, get out of the house, go to public places, take medications, take counselling get stubborn and enjoy life.
Cheers
Dear Michelle,
There is no making sense of this BS materialistic fake world we do live in. And at this time of the year, it is majorly accented by advertising, and frenzied activities. I feel as disconnected as you, and so do many of us here. Whether or not we are gay, being positive can really make us feel super alienated from family and friends as well. I reject the holiday BS, and try to take in as much natural surroundings on these mega holidays. The parks or beaches are usually deserted, and great for the soul. The animals, and Nature do not know it's a made up day of BS !! The best to You, as you find your way.
Micheal,
sorry your so blue I am this way every year. all I can do to get out of bed is remember there is no one but me to take care of me! So I go for alot of long walks at the lake front hrer in chicago, when its twilit and thw whole city is busting at its seams to get here and there the lake front is fridget and cold, yet the beauty of its fridgetness warms my hart and makes me remember that in the whole picture we all matter.
yous truely
Thomas Paine
A solitary soul
I know where you are coming from and I am sorry that you have to be alone. But please go and seek someone to talk to, or just make yourself get up and go out to a movie or a bar and get someone to dance with and maybe make a new friend. If you would like I would be more than happy to talk to you and listen and be a freind for you. I personally have lost to many friends and family to this disease and one of my best friends passed just 2 weeks ago sunday. We never met in person but we talked so much and had become best friends, and I miss him dearly. So please take heart, you will make new friends and come back into things, you are just going thru a "desert" period in your life and you will come out of it. And there is no man with a sicle waiting for you, your loved ones will be there to greet you, I promise. But do not do anything drastic please. Many HUGS and much LOVE. Ron in oklahomo
I can understand where you are coming from. I recently started treatment and I have this rash that looks like poision oak. I feel scared most of the time and I pace at night worried about the future. I am not worried about dying, I am worried about who is going to take care of my mother and grandfather. I can't count on the rest of the family to do anything.
I can't believe the selfishness of people when a person is sick or scared. I get very depressed during the Holidays and hate them as well. You are not alone, if you would ever like to talk, email matt_cantrell@hotmail.com
Cheer up Michelle!You have every reason to live.Do you know that God loves you even in your sickness?When you feel this way it is the best time you can get closer to your God.Stop feeling blue and get up and out of that bed.While you pray hard,seek help as well from counselor,Take your ARVS as you are supposed to,Socialize and become a member of an association of people living with HIV\AIDS.We will pray for you and God is going to take care.
Michelle,
Obviously by the outpouring of love you see here, you've got plenty of people who can support and encourage you. Yeah we're all online but there are a lot of people in your community who can help you, you just have to find them.
I think you've been through this kind of tough depression before so you should know that eventually it will pass. You may even remember some of the triggers that helped you previously to get out of it. Some of mine are exercise, friendly socializing, fresh air, and my favorite - cleaning! Clean and organize the hell out of everything! You won't have time to be down when you're improving your life and surroundings!
Sending you positive vibes for hope and peace,
Gabriel