http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/ (a.k.a. "Queen Tokelove" in our Community Forums) en Copyright 2008 Wed, 30 Apr 2008 15:39:55 -0500 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss I made it back from my appointment with the liver specialist. Of course when you go to doctors now a days, it seems you always meet an intern first. I began to feel like a contestant on a game show. Now what shall I call it? Not sure what to call it but I felt like I was part of a speed round with questions like--- What are the medicines you are taking? And since I am proactive when it comes to my health, I fired the answers back at him. Maybe a little too fast for Junior because he asked, "What was the one after Atripla?" And I answered back sweetly, "Uh, that would be Ziagen" and I began spelling it for him. Then he went on to tell me that they were waiting for the results of my cat scan to be faxed over and that the doctor would be with me shortly. And out the door he went. Not a minute later, Junior was back with another question, "What was your last cd4 count?" You're going to have to do better than that Sunshine, if you're going to try to stump me. I politely smiled and said, "401 in February". This was beginning to be fun and it did cause me to relax a little. Back out the door went Junior. A few minutes passed and Junior was back again but this time with a wicked little grin on his face. He went on to tell me that they needed to do a quick little test to check for something, I forget what it was called. What stuck with me was the fact that the test consisted of him sticking his finger up my ass.Or there was option B which consisted of me mailing them in a stool sample. Payback was a bitch and Junior got his because I was not with sending feces through the mail. I had to admit, Junior won me over even though his finger was in my ass. And it was over before I had a chance to complain. He was gone again. When he returned, he had the specialist with him who indeed had me stumped with all the medical jargon he was using. All I understood was that I needed to get a sonogram done of my liver and gallbladder as well as a colonoscopy done. Junior must've relayed my fears about a biopsy being done because the specialist made a joke about he'll be in and out before I knew it. Did I mention I was not amused by his joke, not that it mattered because he was gone before I could even ask a question. It was just me and Junior again. So I asked him to explain to me what the specialist had said which was, the cat scan showed some type of thickness on my intestinal wall along with a shadow of something. What they are not sure of yet which is why they want to do the colonoscopy. But they also want to do the sonogram to check my gallbladder and liver to see what the lump is I am feeling. When Junior checked me, he couldn't feel any lumps and in a polite kind of way, hinted that it may be fat that has accumulated. I think Junior was just trying to get me back for that humiliation I handed him during our game show speed round. The sonograms are scheduled for next week sometime and the colonoscopy is scheduled for June 5th. Let the games begin..... http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/and_our_contest_1.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/and_our_contest_1.html Wed, 30 Apr 2008 15:39:55 -0500 As if i don't have enough on my plate with the latest about my lung and liver, now my youngest son has gone to jail. This happened yesterday and it was in the local paper today as well as the local tv news yesterday. My son has eleven charges against him, among them attempted homicide and seven counts of reckless endangerment. His bond is a hundred thousand dollars and he is only seventeen. Of course, I had to hear the news from the sister who I don't get along with and the one I let raise him. As usual, she is being dramatical about it all. I had to hear the ever famous, "I didn't raise him to be like this" but in reality she did raise him to be like this. She was the one who insisted on someone showing him how to sell drugs in the first place but she doesn't know that I even know that. And I was told this by my son and it was confirmed by my other sister on two different occasions. All I could do was sit there, listen to her bullshit and grit my fucking teeth. At the same time, I had to calm myself down because I know the rage I was feeling was not helping my immune system or the other things going on with my body. Today wasn't any better. I got a few calls from my son which tore at my heart. But at the same time, my son was fully aware of what he was doing regardless of the countless times I have tried to talk to him. I had to listen to the sadness and what I thought sounded like regret in his voice. But I had to remind him that if he only would've listened to me that he would not be in the mess he is in. I explained to him that I would do what I could which is put a couple of bucks on his books and write. I told him I loved him. You can only say so much in a three minute call. At the moment he is in the county prison but with the charges he is facing they will be moving him to an out of state prison once he gets sentenced. My child being charged as an adult, going to a place where everyone is bigger than him and older than him. I can't help but worry for my son and be scared for him. Once again, I am left feeling angry, not just at my son for his stupidity but angry at my God/dess. I am left asking again, why this is happening to me? Though it is not directly happening to me, I can't help but to be affected. This is my baby, going to jail and being tried as an adult. His youth--- gone! And when I see him again, he will be a grown man. Notice I say when and not if because even with the latest events, I still plan on being here or so I hope. I guess my last words for this entry should be: "Is there a lawyer in the house?" http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/ive_been_served.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/ive_been_served.html Fri, 25 Apr 2008 20:25:33 -0500 For those of you who don't follow the forums, let me update you on what's going on now. On the fourteenth of this month, I had an appointment with my primary doctor. I had not seen him since last September which is about the time my car went down. The appointment was basically to catch up with things and to let him know about two lumps I had been feeling since around Easter. He checked me, felt the lumps and scheduled a cat scan of my stomach. I went to the hospital closest to my house this past Monday to get it done. It was already evident that something is amiss since the lumps are there. I have since gotten the results back. I have a lesion which is about 2.1 centimeters on my liver and a cyst on my left lung. I found this out yesterday. I think even the doctor's office felt bad for me, I could hear it in the nurse's tone when she was talking to me. It was almost as if she wished she didn't have to be the one to tell me the news. Who could blame her, how do you tell someone who is poz, diabetic, and partially deaf this type of news? She did and I broke down on the phone, trying to talk through the rush of tears. I called my clinic nurse, told her the results and that I think my HIV meds are the culprit. She went on to tell me that she thought I hadn't been on them long enough for something like this to happen but was worried about my mental state...ie...my depression and a trip back to the hospital. I assured her that was not the case that more than anything I am scared. She told me she would relay the news to my ID doc and get back with me. And since then I have been through a flood of emotions. I am scared and angry. Scared because this is new territory for me. I have never broken a bone or anything. The only surgery I have ever had was three C-sections. I know they will end up having to probably do something invasive. What worries me is the fact that my mother and father both died from cancer. What worries me is the fact that at this point I don't know where my cd4 and viral load are. In February, they were 401 and undetectable. I am scared of what effects this will have on my body. The primary doctor's nurse tried to assure me that it probably isn't cancer but I know she was trying to ease my mind and have me not worry but I can't help but to worry. I am angry because I feel like I have enough shit on my plate and I don't need this at all. Who does, right? I feel like my God/dess has a mean sense of humor, forsaken me and I am pissed. I am tired of having to always ask why things are happening to me and what I did to deserve this. Despite the feeling of losing my faith, I still have the urge to fight and refuse to go out without a fight. I have appointments to see two different specialists on April 30th and May 12th. My faith is gone but my anger is strong and if I am to get through this, it may be my anger I need to lean on instead of faith. http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/i_may_be_down_b_1.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/i_may_be_down_b_1.html Thu, 24 Apr 2008 14:30:47 -0500 With all the bitching and moaning I have been doing lately, I thought I would take the time to distract everyone and talk about my virus. Or why I don't talk about it. I am sure there are a few of you wondering about that considering it is suppose to be a poz blog and my fellow bloggers seem to talk about it in every entry. My virus and I have been together for going on eleven years this year. I just started meds September of last year and within a month I was undetectable. But for ten years, me and my virus kind of co-existed without any problems. Not sure why that is, could be I have a mild strain or maybe genetics, who knows but I do consider myself to be more blessed than lucky. And how I look at it, if there isn't anything going on why bitch. But don't get it twisted, my virus does let me know it's still around with an occasional bout of something or other. Nothing really major like an OI. The worst for me at the moment seems to be thrush for which I am taking Dapsone but hopefully by my next appointment I'll be taken off of it. Physically I have been fine in regard to my virus. If anything, my diabetes (which I've only had a few years and am on pills for that) gives me more hell than my virus. If I had to comment on how my virus has affected me, I would say it has been more emotional than physical. All of us pozzies knows the stages....denial, being ashamed, feeling dirty, asking what have I done to deserve this and the list goes on. Not to say I am over it, every now and again one of those stages still hits me----loneliness(sp?) Wanting to be with someone but afraid of the rejection because of the countless times I have been rejected. Til this day, I have not found the solution but support and it has helped me. I still don't have the support of my family, they kind of ignore it until they want to use it against me(my sisters). My son, he accepts me and I guess I am the perfect example of why you should wear a condom. He hasn't said this but it's merely how I look at it. It doesn't bother me in the least, I want my son to learn from my mistakes. He keeps his johnson wrapped up and I am proud. When he has questions about stds, he comes to me for answers. Nothing is out of bounds between us. My biggest support has been the forums. Despite the drama, there are good people there and knowledge. Even this blog has been a form of support to me also. It let's me put my feelings out there instead of keeping them bottled in which I have done for ten years. Trust me, it's good to let some of the shit go. http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/me_and_my_virus.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/me_and_my_virus.html Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:03:52 -0500 I guess this entry is an update on some things I had mentioned in previous entries or in the forums. I hate to have to say this but feels I need to because some people will think I am asking for pity, charity or to be coddled when in reality, I am not asking for any of those things. I need to vent, that is what this is about because about now I feel like crying, shouting, breaking shit and just giving up. What little glimmer of hope I had is diminished and the faith for good things to come is gone. Basically, I feel one step from being broken. Let's start with the car since that seemed to have so many in an uproar around here. The car is physically here but with a list a mile long of what needs to be done to fix it. Out of the money, I had gotten from my clothing allowance, I spent fifty bucks to get the rotors and the brakes. My roomie (who happens to be a female) is a mechanic, just doesn't have the money to set up her own business. According to her, she feels the mechanic who had the car is trumping up the list a mile long but agrees in order for it to pass inspection it will need better tires. As I have mentioned before I have called many places and even today, a friend took me to a junkyard who actually had a set of four tires which were like new but the price was a buck eighty. Did I mention the place that I called originally who had the used tires called me back and the price went up. It started out being a hundred dollars but has now gone up to a hundred and ninety. Hmm, wonder why that is? Then to make matters worse, yesterday, I happen to get in the car to start it up and it didn't start right away. I thought that was weird considering the battery in the car came from my Caprice so it should start right up.The battery was just over a year old and under warranty from Auto Zone. I mention this to my roomie who after hearing how the car sounded asked me to raise the hood. Come to find out, my fucking battery isn't in the car at all, it's a totally different battery. At this point, I am fucking livid. I guess the mechanic wasn't expecting me to notice. The reason I did notice is because this is actually the second battery I have lost trying to put into this car. Each time the bastards swapped batteries thinking I wouldn't notice. And one thing that burns my ass is when someone tries my intelligence. Just like a battery dying, my faith and hope died too. I called Auto Zone, they have it in their computer when I bought the battery. I could go to the mechanic and bitch but what good will that do? He probably will try to deny it and I don't want a battery that is laying around his garage. I want the one I paid for!!!! Next on the hit parade, was the house I was hoping to get. That's not happening now. I called my landlord to find out what was going on and he lost the bid for the house. Yeah, I know nothing that I could possibly have control over but to me, it is something I was hoping for that went down the crapper. I can't even see a bright side or anything to look forward to regarding the house. My landlord tried to encourage me by saying maybe he will have something by the time my Section 8 kicks in but in the meantime, I am still here in an apartment where I am paying out more in gas than what I pay for rent. Just fucking great. And let's not forget the job I was hoping to get. I know what you guys are thinking, I lost out to someone else. Uh, no, I lost out to the guy who intended to hire me. His ass went to jail last week and no one else in charge seemed to know anything about me getting the job. How's that for communication? I guess that's what I get for trying to get a piece of a job in the hood. I guess I bought those clothes for nothing now since the allowance was meant for me to have clothes for the job. About now, I am feeling beaten, broken, disgusted, without hope or any other adjective you might want to throw in there. Keeping my head up and keeping the faith is not likely. For what it's worth, I have my health which is two diseases that is beating the hell out of my body. What a life, I guess the purpose of my life is to be in a constant struggle whether it be health wise or financially. If this is life maybe death would be a blessing. http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/one_step_forwar_1.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/one_step_forwar_1.html Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:51:34 -0500 I know a few of you are looking at the title to this entry and probably is scratching your head or maybe wondering wtf is that about? In my neck of the woods, it's a saying people use to say (people in my generation anyway), I guess it would be like saying "Guess who woke up on the wrong side of the bed". Since my last entry, the comments--- the negative ones have really put me in a foul mood. I have been told to not let it get to me and usually I take criticism with a grain of salt. But I can't even call those negative comments, criticism. I feel like I have been judged and sentenced to be stoned. Crucified for putting my thoughts to words and sharing them. Basically, I feel like I have been shit on. I know some would probably think that I am being a bit dramatic but really I'm not. I'm not saying that I expect everyone to agree with me because I don't. I just feel like for those who didn't agree with me, you could've made your point a bit nicer. In other words, it's not what you say but how you say it. I have to wonder if any of you(critics in the peanut gallery) even think about what you say when you respond to my blog? Because some of your comments come across as hostile or maybe because my blog seems to have a following, you are trying to one up me or get some type of response out of others. I say others because I normally do respond to all comments that are made. I guess you made your quota because my last entry has gotten 34 comments, the most of all the entries. I hope it made your day. But for me, it left a bitter taste in my mouth for the fact that my feelings were exploited and the comments made could've been compared to an episode of the Jerry Springer show. I have been told that since it is my blog, I could simply delete the comments and solve the problem with that. I admit, I could but being that this is a blog, I feel that you critics have the right to voice your opinions and those should be seen too. Isn't that nice of me? But I am trying to show that not everyone agrees with me. It's not about having groupies, coddlers or enablers. My blog has and always will be about me, whether you like it or not, it is called "Michelle's Poz Blog". It's about me sharing my thoughts, feelings and opinions on things that affect MY life. Some of you need to understand that. http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/and_who_shit_in.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/and_who_shit_in.html Sun, 13 Apr 2008 13:14:01 -0500 Since I could remember, I never handled disappointment very well. And now that I am older, you would think I would've gotten use to it. I try my best to avoid it but it always seems to happen which has kind of lead me to being very pessimistic about things. There is a point to be made here and I am about to get to it. In my last entry, I was feeling pretty good about things. The possibility that I may be moving out of this apartment for which I am paying more out in the gas bill than I am paying rent to a house. Though it is nothing I can afford on my own and my room mate would be moving with me. It is something I have been wanting for a long time. Not officially mine yet but things are in the works. I am hoping I won't get disappointed in the long run with the house. I have my fingers and my legs crossed. What has me feeling disappointed is this car that I have been trying to get running and legal. After catching hell getting it to the mechanic and it sitting for at least 2 weeks, I have come to find out that there are a few things it needs to pass inspection. It needs new brakes, rotors and four new tires. I have the money to cover the rotors and the brakes but not enough to cover four tires. I did my best to try to trouble shoot and find options even if it meant getting four used tires. I made countless calls to various tire places and the cheapest set of tires would run me two hundred and sixty dollars. With what I make on disability, there is no way, I can cover it even if I opted to try to buy two tires, no place here would pass it through inspection because of the two remaining bad tires. I am feeling really bummed about it and more than anything frustrated. I was really hoping I could have this car up and running. And as much as I try to be optimistic there is always something that happens to keep me down and feeling pessimistic. I keep trying to go on the thought that something has to give but it seems like nothing ever does.It is always something holding me back from accomplishing anything that I really need. http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/i_hate_looking.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/i_hate_looking.html Tue, 08 Apr 2008 21:51:33 -0500 Spring is definitely in the air, I am noticing certain changes within myself. As anybody can notice, the weather is changing and the last few days the weather has been rather nice. I took advantage of the nice weather and opened up the windows in my apartment to air it out. It was overdue with five cats and the allergies that I have newly acquired. A nice cool breeze came into the apartment and the stale indoor smells were suddenly gone. But just to make sure, I did a little bit of spring cleaning through the house with some bleach. Those warm days also motivated me to get off of my ass and get out of the house. Are you sitting down? I went and visited my oldest sister. Yes, she was the one who decided to tell the world along with my other sister about my positive status. Since the end of last year we have been talking more, not a whole bunch more but more. I still don't trust her but I get along with her better than the other sister. I have even gotten bolder with our conversations and bring up my positive status from time to time. I think I have gotten to the point, at least with her, that I am not going to let her hold it over my head any more. I will not lie, I also do it for the shock value because we can be talking about anything, I'll mention my status or something pertaining to it and I see the shock on her face since she wasn't expecting it. It never gets old and the look on her face is priceless every time. After visiting her, I also went to visit another friend. She lives closer to my sister than I do but both of their houses is a distance from mine. I was proud of myself, I walked to both. Since having a car, I hadn't been doing any walking. I still have been getting some exercise in with daily walks. I also plan on joining the Y hopefully next month depending on how my money looks after paying bills. I think the little bit of activity that I have been doing lately has done me a world of good. I feel like I have more energy and I feel more motivated. Another bit of good news, I may have a job soon. It is only part time, nothing major but it will bring me a little extra income which I so badly need. I have an interview on the 15th at 11 am. I am excited but I don't want to get my hopes up because of the fear of not getting the job. I have spoken with my case worker and she sent me paperwork so I can get a clothing allowance in time for the interview. My best friend has also loaned me a car for a year so I can try to save some money to get a car of my own. The only thing I have to do is pay the inspection and make it legal which took the majority of my check this month. They say with Spring comes change, Goddess knows I am overdue for some and it seems it is finally happening. Back a few entries someone named Blu commented that I had a habit of talking about my weed smoking a bit too much, in honor of Blu I had started a "weed jar",bank, fund or whatever you want to call it. I just wanted to let Blu know that I saved enough money to get me a few things to get dolled up for my job interview. Isn't it wonderful what a little bit of commenting,compromise, and commitment(to smoking weed and the weed fund) can do!!!!! Oh My and 420 is coming up fast too....*grins* http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/spring_is_in_th.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/spring_is_in_th.html Fri, 04 Apr 2008 20:34:03 -0500 Other than "The Nature Boy", Ric Flair is known by many names such as "The Naitch", "The Dirtiest Player in the Game", "The Man" and the ever popular, "Limousine Ridin, Jet Flying, Kiss Stealin, Wheelin Dealing, Son of a Gun". And in my eyes, he earned everyone of them. Ric Flair gave the wrestling world thirty-five years of what it was to be the ultimate sports entertainer. One of Flair's favorite catch phrases was "In order to be the Man, you have to beat the Man". Flair may have lost the match to Shawn Michaels and been a little tight-lipped in an interview with my fellow blogger, Shawn Decker but in my eyes, he will always be "The Man".]]> http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/the_nature_boy.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/04/the_nature_boy.html Wed, 02 Apr 2008 17:14:08 -0500 I never did make it to the ER but I did call a nurse and discussed my symptoms with her. According to her, it sounded as though I did indeed have a touch of food poisoning. Well, if that was a touch, I definitely never want to have full blown food poisoning. When I spoke to her on Saturday, the cramps that I had(which I can only compare the pain to those of labor pains) had subsided. I told her this and she said I had pretty much weathered through the worst of it and that things should get better. I also explained about the lumps I feel on the sides of my stomach which she really didn't have an answer for. But she was right, on Sunday I was feeling much better than I had on Friday. I actually got out of the bed after being in the fetal position most of the week and cleaned the house. She told me I should try to eat light. After not eating for about 3 days, I scarfed down a steak, fries and some sauerkraut. The only thing I gave birth to was some killer gas. The lumps I only seem to notice when I am full but this still concerns me. I have an appointment with my primary on the seventh of April so I will inform him of what had happened and the lumps to see what he has to say. I can only hope he doesn't want to schedule me for a bunch of tests. Until then I will try to drink some water and take some colace. Maybe that will make me move something and be the answer to what ails me. I can only pray it will be that simple. But what do I know? I'm not a doctor, I just play one on the internet and I only diagnose myself. http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/03/diagnosing_myse_2.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/03/diagnosing_myse_2.html Mon, 31 Mar 2008 03:12:50 -0500 As they say, "The hits just keep coming." The latest being the severe stomach cramps I have been having for the past three days or how about I was hugging the toilet while everyone else was enjoying having a nice Easter dinner. I usually don't get sick to this extreme, the most that happens to me is the annoyance of my allergies. As I mentioned, I was sick as a dog on Easter. I am sure I had a temperature but for the life of me I couldn't find the damn thermometer. Besides the temperature, I had real bad headaches which even 800 mg of Ibuprofen couldn't seem to knock out. All I wanted to do and did was sleep. Between the catnaps, I was paying homage to the porcelain goddess, around Tuesday I seem to feel better or so I thought. It was one of those nice days so I actually got up and got out the house. I went to visit a friend and ate dinner there. By Wednesday the stomach cramps kicked in. I didn't think anything of it at first. I figured maybe it was some gas. But then my stomach kept tightening up and it seem like I felt lumps on the sides of my stomach. That's when I started to get worried and started trying to diagnose myself. I even had the absurd thought that I might be pregnant but then I had to think back and actually wanted to smack myself. It couldn't be possible because the last person I was intimate with was Rico (my loyal fans prolly remember him) and I made sure we had condoms. None broke that I knew of so I ruled out that idea plus I had a depo shot since then. Whew. Ok, so what in the hell could it be? While on the phone with my gay friend, yeah, we're on speaking terms, he thought that I might have gotten food poisoning from somewhere. I guess that could be possible but before getting stressed I decided to do a search on the symptoms that I was having. Everything from food poisoning to IBS(irritable bowel syndrome) showed up. Oh great, and then I started freaking out. I decided I was just going to try to rough it out. Instead of dwelling on it, I decided to go to the forums.What do I see on the POZ page? The article about salmonella poisoning, well, that started my mind racing so I decided to read the article. Once again, I am freaking out and in a major way. The article was informative though it made me more concerned.It would be just my luck with the latest events going on in my life at the moment that I would likely have food poisoning to add to my list. If so, what did I do to deserve this? I had a "Spock" moment and decided to think things through logically. I can only deal with the moment and the moment called for me to roll a blunt to calm myself down. And before anyone comments, the good green was given to me earlier in the day for my upset tummy. So, it's use was purely medicinal and not recreational. I didn't spend one little cent.*sticks out tongue at "you know who"* While being in "Spock" mode and quite blunted, I decided that I am going to give the ER a call when I get up. If the nurse tells me that I need to come then I will. I hate the wait when going to the ER but this pain is not something I can deal with for much longer. One thing I know for sure is that this is definitely not some type of stomach virus. Something is going on and after reading the Poz article, not something I better take lightly. Stay tuned for update. http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/03/diagnosing_myse_1.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/03/diagnosing_myse_1.html Sat, 29 Mar 2008 00:24:48 -0500 You can call it a wrap, I am done with my gay bff. I have caught him sneaking to go be with his ex and a few other lies. I told him that he can no longer live with me. I usually can tolerate quite a bit but with his lying I don't feel like I can trust him. What is surprising to me is that I am not pissed about it but more along the lines of being hurt. I actually thought our friendship meant more than his ex or his addiction. Silly me, what was I thinking? More than that, I thought getting his life back in order meant more but he has shown me it doesn't. When I confronted him a few hours ago, he actually tried to justify it. How do you justify lying? I am just glad that things came to light as soon as they did and not after investing in anything. What I mean by this is that there had been plans on moving into a house. Despite my feelings being hurt by his deceitfulness, I'll just cut him out of my life as I have done countless others who I have tried to help. This too shall pass and my life will go on, lesson learned. As much as I wanted to help my friend, you can't help those who don't want to help themselves. http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/03/it_cuts_like_a_1.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/03/it_cuts_like_a_1.html Sat, 22 Mar 2008 14:32:48 -0500 Since taking in my gay bff, I knew it was coming--- the games by his ex, trying to use any means to mind fuck my friend. I had to even go off on our mutual friend for taking my bff to the hospital to see his ex. I went off on my bff as well. Don't get me wrong, I am a compassionate person and I even feel sorry for the ex but I know the games he plays. When my bff left him one time before and went to stay somewhere else, the ex used me to find out if my bff was at this place. At the time, my bff was but he was so scared to know the ex was with me that I lied and told the ex he wasn't there to protect my friend. That's why when all this started, I was surprised to know that my bff had even gone back to him. Fast forward to over the weekend. The ex had been in the hospital. He literally got up and left without the hospital knowing at first. The story is he left to go to his trailer because the landlord had let the dogs run out of the yard. It has been said that the trailer was full of feces from the dogs being kept inside and neglected while my bff and his ex were getting high. I don't believe that the ex went to the trailer to get the dogs as he claims. He has sisters with cars, they could've done that for him, I believe he went there to get high. And when he was done, he went back to the hospital which amazed me because I thought when a patient leaves a hospital, it is considered to be A.M.A ( Against Medical Advice) and I figured the hospital wouldn't take him back for insurance reasons. They took him back. Sunday, we had to endure the ex blowing up the house phone. He was calling just about every thirty minutes. I have caller id so we just let the phone ring. I called my mutual friend who in turn called the ex to told him to stop calling and he had but I knew it wasn't going to be over just like that. And I was right, this morning he called my other room mate's phone, waking her up asking her to put my bff on the phone. She told him no, that we have a rule in the house, which we do, if someone is sleeping, we do not disturb them, we let them sleep. His excuse for wanting to talk to my bff this time was because he wanted the keys to the trailer. Yeah, right. He was just at the trailer for one, so why did he need keys? And if my bff had a set, the ex's sister had them when she came and got the dogs. Remember that was his reason for leaving the hospital in the first place. I recognized the game for what it was. Now I am just waiting to see what his next move is going to be. For the time being, I am not worried about him showing up on our doorstep because his health is not good at the moment and his car is not working. But even if everything was ok in that regard, I just don't think he would be stupid enough to show up here trying to show his ass. Then in the back of my mind, I am thinking never say never and I have thought out things should that scenario become a reality. Should it become a reality, he will only be given one chance to walk away. I just hope he makes the right decision for his sake not ours. http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/03/let_the_games_b.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/03/let_the_games_b.html Tue, 18 Mar 2008 17:57:34 -0500 I guess you could call this entry the conclusion to my other entry, "I miss my friend". If you read that entry then you know about my gay bff(best friend forever). I won't go into his story again, you can reread it. But as of today, I have moved my gay bff in with me and my roomie. I guess now we have a Three's Company thing going on. He has decided that he needed help getting away from his bf and to stop using crack. For some reason he didn't turn to me for help but a mutual friend of ours. And things kind of fell into place the other day from me just making a phone call to our mutual friend not about my gay bff but just shooting the shit on the phone. The mutual friend pretty much gave me the rundown of how things were going with my bff and before I knew it, I suggested he come stay with me after discussing it with my current roomie. I have been where my bff has been when it comes to the crack and back when I was addicted I didn't have anyone I could turn to for help. Also we have been room mates before so it's not like I don't know what I am getting myself into. More than anything I am just happy to have my friend back. So now there are three of us, 5 cats and one little dog. None of us related, two of us being poz but we are a family and all we have are each other. What can be more fun than two women and a gay man living together. I swear we should have our own reality show though I am not sure what we would call it. Stay tuned that's for sure!!!! http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/03/a_friend_in_nee.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/03/a_friend_in_nee.html Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:20:56 -0500 I thought I would give my blog a rest for a few days. Not that I minded the comments I get, I love those even from the people who disagree with me. Believe it or not, their opinions even help, it gives me another opinion and a chance to sharpen my mind with a good debate. But this entry is dedicated to the ladies of the AidsMed forum. A great bunch of women who have been through their own personal hell not just due to this virus but other obstacles life has thrown at them and still managed to overcome those obstacles. And living every day one step ahead as well as one day at a time. You are all Queens in my book. I have my own reasons for loving them the way I do. In getting to know these ladies, I feel like we have bonded for whatever reason even if it was this virus and AidsMed that brought us together. We have our own Ya-Ya Sisterhood going on in the Women's Forum. I will mention some of them because I asked their permission to mention them here. Those who I don't mention, it isn't because I love you any less, it's either because there are so many of you or I didn't get your permission. Just know you are not forgotten or left out. Might I add this list is not in any particular order just as they come to me. Bettytacy--- You are an inspiration to me in so many ways. You have over come all the obstacles life seemed to have thrown at you. Yet you still go on to improve yourself. Life may have made you a bitch(and I mean that in an endearing way) but you are one bitch I would want to have my back any day of the week. Goderator Ann- Though I have never heard your voice with my ears, I hear it loud in clear through your blog and what you post in the forums. You have given me the courage to disclose the few times that I have, to be able to talk about hiv, and share the knowledge that I have. It may not be on a large scale as what you do but you have given me my voice. I thank you for that. When I think of you on "The Rock", I see a woman who screams out, "I am woman, hear me roar!!!" I hope to be able to roar one day but for now I just "meow". And it is a welcome change from sitting in silence. CJC- I have always admired your strength and perserverance. You tend to be a bit quiet but you do what you have to for yourself and your little one. There are so many more ladies I wish I could mention but for the sake of privacy or not having their permission, I can't give them the props they deserve. There's 2 of you who went out their way to help me when I needed it most. I will never forget what you did to help me and if I can return the favor, all you have to do is ask. Being that I am in the closet the way I am and not any support groups here (that I know of), the ladies of the Forum has been my pillars of strength, wells of knowledge, and most of all the sisters I never had. I love you all and you're all more valuable to me than you know.....Now say it all together girls...."Yaaaaaaaaa Yaaaaaaaaaa". http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/03/we_got_our_own.html http://blogs.poz.com/michelle/archives/2008/03/we_got_our_own.html Wed, 05 Mar 2008 16:11:06 -0500