Viral Bravado

You express your self very well. I can not do that, I have no one to talk to about what I am going through. I read what you wrote and I just sat and
thought about what you had to say.
All I can say is WOW!

Talk to me and the others on this blog. Do NOT keep your feelings inside. In recovery we say something very true: "we are ONLY as sick as our secrets." So talk already.

Well I read you blog and I might say that your are a very eloquent writer. As someone who was diagnosed with full blown AIDS 3 years and also suffers from clinical depression almost all my life, I have a thing - or two - to say about giving up - or specifically - NOT giving up!
Let's all face it, life is not a bowl of perfectly sweet cherries or a never ending bowl of extremely sour lemons. Life is more like a game of dice, sometimes you roll the dice and the numbers are on you favor and sometimes they are not - its what you do with that roll is what counts period. I have been through hell and back many many many times and wanted to give up so many times but there is something in me - and in all of us - that wants us to live and to be happy. I think you need to tap into that.
We have the power of decision and EVERT DAY we have the power to reinvent ourselves and our life's - so do it if you are not happy! Like the Nike commercial says "just do it." That's all to it.

no need to put everthing inside.i was worried sick at one time how i woul end up.now im at poz unsuccessfully looking for the love of my life after hiv.if you think too much about it you end up confused.hav fun.

Jose,

Right you are. Life is not always very complicated. Painful, yes. Complicated, no. I am not so sure I "reinvent myself" (maybe that is my dislike of all things Madonna!) but I do understand that God's plan is God's plan. I have come to accept the fact the God likes to laugh and He often appoints me one of his court jesters. So I try to play with role well. Maybe I should think of adding some bells to shoes?

Richard, life is not fair period!!! For example, I would kill to have a body like yours - you bastard lol! God said "I shall make you a husky bear type chub" but I don't want to be one but here I am and no amount of dieting and exercise will make it change cause it just "resets" itself back to its husky self when I stop.
But that's the way it is, bad things happen to good people and visa versa. Does it piss you off, hell yeah! It's just unfair but that's life.
I have had many conversations with God about his "jokes" especially on me time and time again. I have worn the clown, court jester, Punch and Judy roles, marionettes, soldier, warrior, loser...ummm...and many more. But sometimes the jokes are out of your control so you take the punch lines and the actuall punches that God throws you and sends you to the ground. Do you want to stay down bleeding and defeated OR do you want to get up and give God a right hook directly to his balls? I look forward to kicking his balls!!!!

Hmmm. "Viral bravado", think I've been doing this lately (about 3 weeks) without the conscious intent and by giving in to just not liking to take pills-more the fools journey. Does not have the feel of courage--though this entry of yours reminded me of it and to go consciously in the direction I actually choose. My face and underarms and chest grew very warm reading this entry--like the blush of being exposed. It was very intimate. You ask interesting questions. I am interested to hear how it unfolds for you, should you choose to share more.

By the way, love the picture of you. I have been without intimacy long enough for it to have been a kindling reminder of my sexuality. I enjoyed it as a daring tease. Yeah bravado even. You are one sexy looking guy to me, among the other things you share. Thanks for the intimacy. Hoping to hear from you soon. All the best.

Found your work interesting and thought you might like to see what I have been working on. I have been positive for about 2 years now and have been working on a body of work that deals with what it has been like to have HIV and adjust to living life. Your latest blog reminds me of what I feel sometimes and what I am expressing in my work. I would love to know what you think of it. it can be found at www.artspacegallery.org/2009/exhibits/shane_booth/index.htm

Take a look and let me know what you think of it. I use it to educate and bring awareness to HIV/AIDS. Thanks Shane B

Wow, you do write very well. Thank you, enjoyed reading it. Please keep writing as most people don't have the ability you have.

S.D.G.

Why not just change your name?

I enjoyed reading your blogs keep writing those inspiring words.

Wow..the last few comments have my mind skipping all over the place but I wanted to acknowledge I do read comments posted daily....so be a little patient with me and I will get back to you...however, what is up with "why not change my name?"...Call Lena Horne for all I care but explain to me doll how will that help?

I hear ya. I'm about to give up altogether, too many jokers in my life, no one is real, I don't see the light at the end of this tunnel

Hey Brain...You are NOT giving up. You are fucking up. Jokers always lose in the end. There is always light at the end of every tunnel but often we are just too blind to see it. So hang tough and remember there are people on your side no matter what you may think. Talk to me. Scream into a loud room. Vomit. Just do something instead of fucking up.

Is there life after death? It there light at the end of the tunnel? When one ant dies, does the rest of the colony care? I feel like giving up often, but deep down in the depths of my being is the realization that I cannot, will not, allow all this sickness to defeat me. Why I do not know, but deep down I know it right. Giving up is weak. Not giving in is the path to finding answers. Only by surviving can we find answers.

This blog appears to have touched a nerve in a lot of people posting (me included but can't figure why exactly)...it takes "bravado" to discuss having HIV but that is a given since we are all on this site...and since we are disclosing such raw emotions here...I know its personal but we are really just cyber people here just anonymous electronic signals in this cyber existance...but what is it that makes you feel you "fucked up", what is it that makes you want to "give up?" Maybe by throwing it out here and shedding some light on those darknesses can maybe we can help each other out - Richard what do you think since this is your blog?

I understand the whole jest of what you are saying and I feel for your anger and lonliness.Felling as though life has betrayed you ( or god whatever you beleive in) This is a time to reach out for friends family . I retain the idea of hope that the universe shall guide me through these horrors.

Blessed be

OK, I am really bothered by this thread. Honestly, time to get off the cross, someone needs the wood. What is all of this serio-comic-tragedy-masked-by laughter-leaning-on-hope-that-is-being-washed-away-by-all-of-the- injustice-thrust-upon-us crap? And, whoa boy, but the original posting by Richard...not a clue what he was actually trying to say. This whole, "my soul is too dark to understand" really is a waste of time. I dunno, maybe I just dropped by in the middle of a conversation. It seems to me that all of this kvetching about how dark and lonely life is just a waste of time. Do you want to feel better about life? Quit complaining and go do something positive. Put something out into the universe that will make someone else feel better. Reach out and physically do something nice for someone. Lend a hand to a stranger. Give up a seat. The next time a negative thought comes into your head, do something physically nice for another human being. Go to a hospice with a book and read to someone, anyone. That homeless person: make eye contact, buy 'em a sandwich. The list goes on and on. Life is its own reward but that doesn't mean you don't have to work at it. My life is of my own making. And through all of the AIDS, the cancer, alcoholism and drug addictions...it is a gift and I am blessed.

As a writer sometimes the most unexpected things happen (kind of like in life). When I wrote "Viral Bravado" I viewed it as a simple "throw away" piece. Something that needed to get out of my head and posted. I never expected more than a few comments yet I have actually received HUNDREDS (mainly via personal email) and I am humbled that I have touched what seems to be a unifying nerve. I guess for now all I want to say is thank you for being able to read beneath the cyber subtext. Are we "damaged good" like a dented can of peas? I don't know. Let's continue to talk. Just remember one thing in this viral life - your have choices. Make them like your T cells counted on them because they do!

Well dear readers it has happened. Sitting on my desk is my Blackberry with an email from a potential employer that says they are declining to interview me because some of my resume and web content (code: being openly gay and HIV positive) is "unprofessional" and would upset their staff. I am humiliated. I am angry. But most of all I have been shamed and shame is making my T cells cry. Crying T cells convert the sound of a viral bravado to vibrato sung in the dark alley of the soul

The potential employer obviously is not worthy of your talents. I could not work for someone that has kind of negative discriminatory attitude nor would have allowed it of my employees. Having additional life experiences helps you to think outside the box and adds many facets. The only ones that want a 4 sided diamond are the telemarketers that want drones to read a script after the automatic dialer interrupts someones supper.. Hopefully with time they will learn their negatism eventually translates into very poor work product and wake up. Best of luck to you.

I realised as I was driving home from work the other day, that I have fallen into a closet and cannot find the doorknob. I thought I had long ago gotten past the whole coming out thing, but since I began living with my very own virus, I not only don't mention that I am HIV positive, I no longer mention things in which I participate that would help to identify me as gay. I live in fear of losing my job and medical coverage. My core of friends has shrunk to three who do know about my HIV status but don't know how to listen to me. I stopped trying to talk about it with them or my wife because none of them really understand. My wife becomes fearful and highly emotional if I attempt to talk to her about things such as what to do if I am badly injured or become ill, even die. I went to a threapist for three years, but he didn't really get it when I tried to talk about what it is like for me living with HIV.

If my HIV status became known at work, it would be a fatal career move. I work in an environment that tends to involve an excess of testosterone mixed with a lot of religion. Oddly, I had no problem letting people know that I don't believe in gods and devils, but being honest about my HIV status and being gay has become terrifying to me there. I had to start receiving testosterone injections every two weeks at my doctor's office in addition to the gel I use already. Explaining my regular tardiness every two weeks is nerve wracking. When you start work at 06:30 and don't finish before 18:00, it is noticeable. It is too far to do it over a lunch break, so I go in late. I've already been written up once for it.

Sometimes, I think steering my pick-up into a river would be better than this. Other times, I think about not taking my meds anymore and letting the virus do its thing. It isn't all the time, but sometimes. Anyway, I have nothing more to add to this so I'll just go to bed for some sleep.

Rob, you are walking a brave line. May I offer a simple suggestion that may help with your every two week "tardiness" issue? Simply have the RN teach you how to give your own injections. I know the very thought of it is scary but you can do it. I do it. All my patients do it. Remember sometimes in this life fixing simple things leads to major changes.

How about changing your attitude about the virus? I feel you words are almost there anyway. It is JUST a fucking virus. It is not the end of the world (although all of us infected are now smirking at THAT comment)! I totally understand your sorrow and frustration over the "gift of HIV". I feel the same way about my alcoholism. The hair on the back of my neck stands up on edge whenever I hear another recovering drunk at an AA meeting say: "Becoming an (sic) recovering alcoholic is the best thing that ever happened to me." Really, I would take hitting the lottery and being able to drink socially any day over being a drunk. But that is just me. And you are you Mr. Moore and that truly is a gift that does not need to be placed in qualifying quotation marks.

Rob,just felt like you today. I was in tears this morning felt very depressed at what this is doing to me. Had to get out of the house and walk to cool my head. But hang in there.

WOW...let's all keep talking. Nothing worse that an emotion bottled up inside. Remember, I am attempting to create a "safe forum" here. As a gentle reminder I practice AIDS medicine and LIVE WITH AIDS myself. Nothing that can be said here will shock me. NOTHING. We are part of a tribe of people that did not wish to be formed. We cannot change that but we can create our lives to be great ones. Talk. Cry. Yell. Tell me to go to hell. I don't care. Just talk.

I don't think there is no one who has this fuckin' shit virus who hasn't wanted to jump off a bridge at one time or another. Having this is not easy on many many levels but ,fuck, we have to go on. Personally, I think the hardest part of this disease is the social part and the "infamous" disclosure. Social stigma against people with HIV is very much alive and well. Let's face it, people are freaked out by us (but in some twisted way I kind of like it LOL)- they are not afraid of us personally but the disease itself. I really believe that's just plain ole' not knowing enough about this disease and believing it will be "instant death" to them if a drop of blood falls on them!
Did any of us really know everything about HIV before we became poz, I don't really think so. Its after getting it did we get a crash course on it. As Richard has said "its a fucking virus."

At least, now, I know these feelings are not unique to me, which makes me feel less abnormal.

On a related note, I plan to talk about learning to inject myself. I have no problem with subcutaneous injections since there is almost no real sensation, but testosterone has to be injected into muscle. A longer needle and more nerve endings. I guess it's time to stop whining and get down to business.

Rob...remember you are part of a tribe of people that did not ask for membership but since we were given it we are a strong committed group - especially to each other. You need not be alone again if you reach out. Yes, the testosterone injection is "harder" and I would suggest that you do the first couple (or at least one) with your nurse. Also, no matter what anyone says DO NOT attempt to self inject into your butt. Use your thighs where you will have more physical and emotional control and be sitting down. Keep me posted buddy.

Thanks Richard...I feel comfortable leaving perspectives and opinions on this site and we are having respectful, thought provoking and really ***intelligent*** conversations not the superficial shit found way too often on other sites. Ok enough of me lol...
I have a few questions for you Richard since you are a nurse. How have your experiences within the medical field been as an openly gay man and HIV+ with others in the field and patients? Have those experiences, both negative and positive, affected you perspective of yourself as a professional, your self-esteem and HIV. I wonder because I have experienced from sympathy to disgust among so called professionals.
Reading about your job encounter as well, I have a few perspectives. I deal with employers and human resources people all day long. Companies now are scouring through the internet if an employee or a potential employee has "anything" that they might percieve as a "liability" to the company, meaning anything that might damage them by losing clients, monies, open for potential lawsuits, etc. Its all about liability for them since we live in a world of constant litigations and employers are basically covering their asses. Everything we write on the internet is public including this blog, facebook, Twitter, Myspace, etc. MANY employers are searching these sites now especially as part of the infamous "background check" of a potential candidate. Who knows why you were not accepted that position but I don't think it was becuase you are gay, maybe the HIV, maybe the blogs, maybe something else...I don't know.

just wanted to say i really like what you wrote!

The dancer has tripped and his bravado is crumbling.

Joseph has some good info on work. Remember we are protected under the American with Diaabilities Act. What we,or anyone for that matter, can never be "protected" from is one on one hate.