Ron's POZ Blog

Life’s happenings has trumped my HIV – mostly

I cannot decide whether I like it or it sucks.

I have been keeping myself busy with so many things.

First, I had March that heralded spring. St. Paddy’s Day was quiet though and I focused on Easter because I was going to cook for my parents – being a dutiful gay son. I had started exercising and eating right soon after but again my back began bothering me. So, I went to my doctor and also spoke to a therapist who both told me I was pushing myself too hard with trying to walk. Too much, too fast. I was told to concentrate on lower stress, low-impact and cardio exercise and therapies. So, I have been re-working some of my more demanding exercises with more rides on the stationary bike, less stressful parallel bars, calisthenics and Pilates routines. I still use my rolling walker every day too. But now, I try to use it more to do little things to help build up strength in my lower back and stand to do everyday chores like dishwashing. I am determined to lose another 10 pounds and to build up stamina to walk – even if it’s only with the walker! Setting a more realistic goal has been harder for me, but it is the smart thing to do.

I REALLY hate the idea of spending the rest of my life in a wheelchair!

The weather has been much better here especially in April so I made sure to enjoy the sun and warm weather. I was able to sun bathe a number of times which I liked a lot. Oh, I know the health concerns. But, I always use sun block, never allow myself to burn and limit my time to actually lie in the sun to an hour and a half each day at the most. I try to be smart even when I love doing something that many say are bad for you. It makes me feel wonderful and reminds me that I am not dead yet. So, I don’t act like I am.

The sunnier weather has given me added ambition to do house cleaning chores that I have let go for the winter. And, yes, from my power chair too! I have done so many of the hated or un-thought of projects from wiping down kitchen cabinets to shampooing the living room carpet.

The warmer weather has inspired me to exchange my fall/ winter clothes for my spring wardrobe of shorts, Ts and short-sleeved shirts. Of course, with the past few days as April ended, I was glad I kept handy a few sweatpants and heavy shirts! I even cleaned my room for spring, changing my bed spread too, to a lighter, more summer-like weight and look. Well, for the 2 weeks of 70s and low 80s, it all was a fortuitous change, but lately, hardly – thank God for heat!

Speaking of gas – whether for heat or my mini-van – what sticker shock as it continues to climb. I find myself being so much more frugal in trying to stretch it. Thank God/dess, it has been getting warmer and sunnier and less heat has been needed. But, for sure, I plan to be a bit smarter when it comes to the air conditioning later in the summer! My driving has become an all day event out for groceries, dog food, dry goods, pharmacy, etc. to make one big trip every few days. I ask my parents if they need anything too, so I can pick it up for them as I go to do my errands.

No more just going for a joy ride or going to pick up one thing anymore! BUT, I am still planning my road trips to New Hope/ Philadelphia and New York City.

I have been reading up and catching up on different comments and BLOGs on AIDSMeds.com and today I had the funniest comment every posted to one of my posts, “More than a wheelchair; more than HIV”. I was told that by using ice compresses on my head daily that I would be cured of my PML and, as an added bonus, any “immoral gay thoughts!” THAT made me chuckle – I am sorry, but I do not see myself as an immoral human being!

In March and April, I decided to be more pro-active in meeting men via Internet. Well….

After a concentrated effort to connect with gay men, I was able to garner a few very good and nice pen pals both HIV positive and negative, of all ages. But, along the way, Lordy – some of the guys are just on there for sex – big surprise, right? Not really. What did surprise me was the number of men looking to “discuss safe sex” or not even disclosing their status at the very start. I would be worried not to. I am more afraid if they are truly negative or of other STDs. And, the other amazing thing is how guys will still believe a partner who claims to be negative or clean without a second thought.

Other than being a cyber hussy, I became a sympathetic ear for some and I felt good being able to help an indecisive guy or a guy just down and out. I am good at being uplifting!! I am also grateful some guys bestow their life’s lessons on me or impart some wizened bit of advice.

Oh, and I voted for the first time. I voted in the Pennsylvania primary on the 22nd and I will only confirm I registered Democrat and voted as such. I don’t want to start a big debate on which Democrat I voted for, but I am sure most would agree – 8 years of Bush is WAY too much! I had to vote if I am going to complain! HE HE

Sadie – January 12, 1994 to March 3, 2008

Sadie had to be put down on 3/3/08 after a series of strokes incapacitated her earlier that day. Sadie was 14 years old – 98 for us – and I hope had a good life.

Sadie was born on January 12, 1994 and I got her in early March on a whim after I saw her at a pet store in Paramus Mall. A buff-colored cocker spaniel. I totally fell in love with her exuberant attitude – she was playful, curious and loving (a total suck-up) and I fell for her big brown eyes too.

My ex wasn’t too happy when I did buy her – so much for having “children” I would think. So, I purchased all the necessities she needed and took her home to my apartment in Manhattan (Chelsea).

I did not have a name for her right then because I felt it had to suit her. I kept mulling over ideas until I started leafing through my address book in a final attempt to find the right name. And then I found it, Sadie. Sadie is the name of a woman at my office. She was also very animated, with a heart of gold – and also had big, brown eyes! That was it then.

Anyway, I kept Sadie with me in NYC for 4 years. Trained her to go for walks (she was a total hunk magnet!) and did all the correct, right things like having her spayed and getting all her shots. Sadie would make me laugh because the vet was a hunky guy with a deep voice and every time we went, when he came out to get us, he would bend down to pet her saying, “How’s my little girl?” Sadie would just get all excited and pee. (I know how she feels! And, my friends would tease me endlessly)

Sadie went to the groomers every 4 weeks and had a bath every Saturday in between visits but never peed on the floor!

Sadie slept on a towel on my bed next to me almost every night. My ex would hate it when he spent the night and she would bounce onto the bed and happily squeeze between us! When I slept alone with Sadie alone, she would awaken me with her loud snoring. A few times, I would be groggily thinking in my sleep-dazed state, “Is someone sleeping with me?” Once, I realized Sadie was snoring, I would go back to sleep relieved.

We had a routine of going out at 5:30 am, 5 pm and again at 11 pm every day and made a game of racing to the lobby from my 4th floor apartment. On one 5:30 am walk, Sadie gave me a good belly-laugh. Sadie always explored every nook and cranny of the sidewalk and fenced-in tree and/ or bush. And, in the morning, an empty parking spot was an added bonus which required her undivided attention. This one day, Sadie was intently sniffing this empty parking spot between two parked cars. When, an in-line skater with an aerodynamic body suit, pads and helmet whizzed by, it startled her. Sadie jumped straight up into the air like a 4-legged character from and old cartoon – BOING! I never laughed so hard even when I had to pick her up to calm her rattled nerves.

I will admit, I spoiled her with squeaky toys, chew toys and treats like Snausages and Bacon Strips and rarely gave her any table food. Sadie was smart. She knew the names of every one of her toys – but her favorite was “Kitty” – a latex rubber toy in the image of Sylvester, the cat from Looney Tunes. I used to love showing off her intelligence to company and would love to see the looks on their faces when I would tell Sadie, “Get the dildo!” The “dildo” was a bone with nubs all over it, which supposedly kept tartar at bay. But, their looks!!

My best friend became, “Auntie” so every time he came over for a visit, he’d start yelling at the elevator, “Auntie’s here!” And then, Sadie would go into a wild frenzy – running madly and jumping from sofa to love seat - until she did see him – and when he’d pet her, she peed!

I took Sadie with me on trips home to Pennsylvania where she charmed my family and friends from the area. All were amazed when she would pick out her toys by name and do some other tricks she accomplished.

When I got promoted to VP of the division and had to go on business trips, at first I had my best friend come to baby sit Sadie. He didn’t mind because he lived on Staten Island and enjoyed a night or two in Manhattan. My other close friends pitched in when he could not baby sit Sadie. My trips were maybe every two weeks, but as our business grew, the trips became more frequent. I began to worry about Sadie and the fact that I could not be asking my friends to stay all the time. I had to do what’s best for Sadie and, me. I would worry because even though my friends were good with Sadie, it would not be me. I’d rather she came attached to someone in my family. My mother was my choice. Because she had a big piece of property in the country and at that time had been living alone, Sadie would have her space and my mom, the company.

I had to make a decision to leave Sadie with my mother that Christmas of 1997. So, when I packed, I also gathered up Sadie’s bed, dishes and toys – including “Kitty.”

Sadie was part of my heart then and when I left her, I cried like a baby at my mother’s house, in the car back to Manhattan and at my apartment, my quiet apartment.

Sadie and my mom bonded over the years that followed. And, for years after being with my mom, maybe another 4 years, Sadie still had “Kitty” and knew the toy by name! Of course, when I visited, Sadie jumped and carried on whenever she saw me.

I will never forget when I came home in February 2000 in the throes of my PML and at first I was put in my mother’s house – in the living room where they had put a hospital bed. I remember Sadie trying to climb up next to me and I could barely push her away because I had sunk so low that I hated the feel of anyone or anything near me. When I was moved to my sister’s house, I didn’t get to see Sadie for a year until we had moved next door to Mom and I had recovered enough to have my brother wheel me over to my mom’s yard.

So, when I did get the power chair, on nice days, I was able to cross our connecting lawns and visit with Sadie and my mom.

During a big family cookout about 3 years ago, my family invited my best friend from NYC and we went over to my mom’s place to see Sadie. Would you believe that she still remembered, “Auntie’s here!”

Well, about a year ago, my mother noticed Sadie’s hearing was getting bad. Old age, we agreed, she’s 13. About 6 months ago, we believed she had gone completely deaf and my mother happily told everyone how Sadie learned her hand signals!

About a week before Sadie died, my mom thought her balance was off and had her checked at the vet’s. All her blood work was good and other vitals too, so that calmed my mom down. Until about 2 am on March 3 when Sadie would have a seizure – one right after another – so my mom had one of my sisters go with her and Sadie to the vet.

We all knew – she wouldn’t be coming home

I was very forcefully reminded by one of my sisters, the one I live with; the one I’m closest too, when at the end of a phone conversation, she remarked, “I don’t think people really understand what you went through and what you do now.” I wonder if “forcefully” is the right word to use, but it was like being snapped back to reality; the reality of how people, even friends, view me.

She ended our phone call with it because we were catching up on our week. She and her husband travel a lot for work and have been on the road since January 7. We go through our checklists: bills, parents, siblings, the dogs, the weather, my most recent projects or phone calls and just plain old gossip!

Her comment was in response to a conversation I had with friend of mine – HIV negative, living in Philadelphia – with whom I just reconnected. His first lover had passed from AIDS 12 years ago and he was seeking information on my PML, what it did to me and how am I managing now. He was curious as to why I wasn’t walking – if the muscles in my legs had wasted away to the point that I can’t walk. I chuckled at his question and laughingly told him, no, that I could probably break a horse’s leg if I kicked it. (Jeesh, I wonder – how much can I press with my legs now?) I explained my bout of the PML and how it wrecked my balance and coordination back in its fury.

I told him since early 2001, I have been religiously doing my stationary bike almost daily and that added with parallel bars, calisthenics, Pilates and my walker; leg muscles are not my problem for walking. In fact, I am more fit with more muscle than when I was 25. My balance and coordination were and remain the problems. In the beginning of 2000, I couldn’t even sit up and when I did lie down, sometimes I felt as if I was falling and, my coordination – gone from my legs, first; then my arms and hands. But, then over time and constant therapy and exercise, bit by bit, I was able to regain parts back and thus, that part of my life.

So, my victories from late 2000 to now are endless to me. First, I learned to sit up again, then onto feeding myself as my balance and some coordination began improving. My mind began to wrap around the idea that I just may be around for awhile as my T-cells climbed and viral load kept dropping (I’ve been undetectable since July 2001).

I really didn’t push myself or have any ambition until that same sister had me go to an intensive in-patient rehabilitation center for 2 weeks: physical, occupational and speech therapies. I don’t know why that place motivated me so – maybe seeing all those other people with disabilities, especially the more youthful ones - children fighting something they had no control over; accident victims and even addicts who fried their brain. But, I always say thanks to her.

I began wanting my independence back when I returned home, so I began working on things myself and through some energetic home therapists. I began practicing my handwriting for that and my fingers’ dexterity; I began reading aloud to clear up my voice; little things to make me feel normal again. I began an honest attempt at a parallel bars and calisthenics routines too.

Personally, I felt like the world was paradise when I finally was able to go to the bathroom unattended! (Like a toddler all over again HA HA). Little by little, I re-taught myself to shower, shave and brush my teeth using determination, some ingenuity and handicap accessories suggested by helpful therapists.

As my strength returned, so did some of my balance and coordination. It was a little bit of a surprise to me, to begin re-gaining coordination in my hands and arms and my sitting balance first, since they were the last affected. I eased my mind by telling myself that they also had the least amount of damage done. Good opinion, I think!

I got to the point that I didn’t need a companion to do the cooking or help me with my daily regimen – I felt great! Now, I could be ALONE! Ahh, blessed quiet to reflect or imagine – to be lost in my own mind in peace.

I continued to improve and further pushed myself by added therapies and my own gumption to try things, anything, that might help me get better faster. I kept increasing my time on the bike and with the help of friends, added to my calisthenics. To keep me from boredom, I began getting all kinds of books to read aloud and got a Spanish Level 1 book for my handwriting practice.

My sister got me into using her computer, so I began contacting old friends and co-workers through e-mails – lots of e-mails!! Typing was a tremendous therapy for my fingers and I then began writing a book because it is something I always wanted to do and now I had the time. (After 3 re-writes, hopefully it will be published soon.) I enjoy writing which can use my imagination or memories to create such a work. In a very odd way, if I had never gotten the PML which sidelined my old life, I wouldn’t have had the time to write. I have even begun a second book.

I was always trying things to help my standing balance and my core, so I tried an exercise ball, Tai Chi and Pilates. I would add exercises to the parallel bars and spent more time on my walker. I am adamant about therapy as an out-patient at a nearby rehabilitation center. I make sure to do whatever time my insurance allows every year, hoping I improve more or learn something new each time. I enjoy water therapy now the most and feel it accomplishes much more.

Well, now I focus on my standing balance and the coordination in my legs in 2008 – trying to build up my stamina for walking. I have incorporated some things I learned in Pilates and Tai Chi into my calisthenics routine. I try to do as much as I can each day, very mindful of the strain on my back. Over the past 2 years, I have suffered backaches every so often because I get over-zealous in my quest to walk.

My Philadelphia friend was amazed that I did all the Christmas decorating myself, can clean, can cook, etc. and asked me how I managed all this from a chair. When I told him that I can stand, he asked incredulously, “How?” Since my power chair weighs a lot, it makes a very useful brace. I just use it to place the backs of my calves against it for added support, and voilá, I can stand! So, I can do things within arm’s reach when standing: decorating, dusting, putting dishes away or getting them, etc. I rarely think of what I cannot do, but rather, how can I do this? My improving standing balance allows this feat and even short periods of total free standing!

We chatted about how I re-write all my lessons in Spanish or French now to keep my handwriting legible and alleviate my boredom of such a trivial yet important therapy. I regaled him on my getting a paint-by-number painting with very small and varied spaces to fill in – this would help me even further in my control of a paint brush, and my patience, because I hope to attempt a new painting soon.

He couldn’t believe that I was driving again. I told him that it was a goal. I also really wanted to have some of my freedom back – meaning not having to beg or hope somebody’s schedule allowed them for a ride or to do something. Now, my only worry is the weather.

So, I guess I am a determined individual with a very pro-active view of life constantly challenging myself mentally and physically.

But 8 years later, I am still in a wheelchair and doing everything possible in my life: showering, personal hygiene, cooking, cleaning, playing ball with the dogs, shopping, shoveling snow, raking leaves, sunbathing, road trips, art projects and small home projects!

Most people only see the wheelchair and balk, and those that can handle the wheelchair usually scamper away knocking down small children and pets when I tell them about the HIV. Some people show compassion and talk to understand further. The most inquisitive – children, teenagers (surprised me too!) and the elderly.

HIV – (sigh)

Gay men smile, but the sight of a wheelchair weeds some out immediately and if we manage to talk, the HIV tends to finish the weeding process. In keeping with the gardening analogy, what are left are those precious few beautiful human beings with fantastic souls and warm hearts.

The only thing worse than meeting a guy in person, is the Internet – oh, yes, those wonderful gay or POZ sites where you might connect. I won’t even have to name them – I’m sure they are well-known. I really would like to connect with someone and I really plan on trying even still but I have to say one thing – hypocrites. Such hypocrites, and some of the worst are the HIV positive men who really should know better, but hang onto their outdated self-important views and I will elaborate before I get blasted for being overly sensitive and lashing out. I really just want gay men to be truly honest with themselves – look inside and if they are not what they say – don’t write or say it. If all you want is superficial gift wrapping with no real substance, put it out there!

The men all say how friendly, intelligent, romantic, affectionate, outgoing, honest, caring, empathetic, spiritual, loving, passionate and so on that like cooking, art, books, music, animals, children, laughing, having a good time, etc. etc.

Oooo, and their best features: eyes, smile, heart or personality!!!

And, ooo, ooo, they value friendships, love and laughter too!

BUT, I absolutely love the guys (POZ too!) that claim they treat all people they way the wish to be treated, try to do something nice everyday and believe that life is
a never ending challenge to try and improve oneself, to self-educate, to learn more, experience new things, and broaden the mind.

We all can roll our eyes here. I can gag from reading and hearing this nonsense over a hundred times and I am sure I will continue to hear or read it because I will continue to believe that there are good people. Just, believe.

I do know there are men out in this world who are truly what they say and I found a few, both negative and positive, handsome or not so handsome, athletic or average or chubby – but they have something so special – beautiful souls and hearts.

We write and/ or call each other to vent, laugh and learn. Those that are close enough, we go shopping, have lunch or dinner and just have a great time. We chat about everything, never mind that I am not their idea of a perfect match nor they mine, but discuss life. We learn a lot from each other and I am glad that there are those who challenge their mind and heart to appreciate life. They truly understand how I view life from a wheelchair and my HIV/ PML, so I feel that not all is wasted in my quest for honest behavior.

I have learned from these men that I am more than just a wheelchair, more than just HIV. So, when un-intelligent, thoughtless, nasty remarks do come my way, or that awful silence, or that look as if they just had seen something hideous – I remember that not all people, gay or straight, are made the same inside.

I still believe.

Sappy, huh?

Happy New Year everyone (even though it is the end of January)

My T-cells went from 630 to 627 and my viral load remains undetectable. All my other blood work – kidney, liver, etc – was very good and my cholesterol & triglycerides were near perfect so the doctor is very happy! Me too! I also told this doctor how my primary doctor said I should be 180 pounds and how I am dieting smart and exercising – she looked at me as if I was crazy. “She (my primary doctor) told you that”? Then made me feel better by adding how I really don’t need to lose weight and wanted to know where I was planning to lose this weight. In conclusion, the doctor told me to just be smart about weight loss because she said I do not look at all heavy!!!

One note: say a little prayer for my niece Mackenzie. We just found out she has Type 1 Juvenile Diabetes. She will need to have Insulin injections 4 or 5 times a day for the rest of her life now. She’s only 8!! At the very least, I am grateful she will have a long life because of her meds.

Now, back to my update….

Halloween was enjoyable especially when my young nieces came trick or treating and I was able to snag a decent sized pumpkin for pumpkin bread!

I did turn 49 this year on my birthday which was nice because my sister and her husband were here at home (Arlene and Jim). I did decide though for my 50th, I want a summer cookout in September to celebrate. One – the weather is nice and more people can fit into our yard! And, two, it’s warm yet!

My niece Kimberly was married on November 10, 2007. The wedding was extremely nice. I went to both the church and the reception in my van – a pleasure to be able to drive again! I also got dressed up for the first time probably since October 1999, so I was in my glory. No sweatpants, Ts or jeans! I wore a very nice hound’s tooth sport coat with a pair of black dress pants and a mock turtle light-weight sweater. I think I looked good even though I accessorized with a wheelchair!!

For Thanksgiving, I did almost all the cooking for the first time since Thanksgiving 1998. In 1999, I was too sick and hadn’t the gumption to cook at all. Arlene and Jim were off and working which gave me the opportunity to cook since Arlene usually does all the cooking for that day. I had both my parents here and my mother supplied one side dish because I really wanted to do the major things like stuffing the turkey! Which I managed nicely and all the basting and baking too! My arms and hands have probably 90% of their strength and coordination back now, so I did all of it and again, very happy that I could.

Well, since Arlene and Jim had to be away working over Thanksgiving, I know my sister was upset she couldn’t decorate inside or even outside. I thought it would be a nice surprise even if I did the inside for her. (The outdoor decorating would be impossible from a wheelchair and the fear of getting stuck in the yard was very over-whelming!) I managed to find her major decorations in the storage shed here and brought the bins into the house by imaginative use of my power chair. Decorating the living room, kitchen and dining area was not at all bad.

I had to use some imagination to accomplish things, but everything was in its place when I finished. By the way, I could stand using the power chair as a brace against my calves for longer periods and even could manage free standing by balancing for shorter periods of time (with good sneakers or even work boots!) I did the decorating for her first before I would even dare tackle the task of my room – I allowed myself a week between the two jobs and thank God, the weather remained decent making trips to the storage shed easier. The family and friends were impressed by what I accomplished.

Maybe soon, I can put up the outdoor decorations!

One “gift” that I truly loved was when my mother gave me a 20 piece Nativity set. What is so special is this set is probably 30 years-old or close to it. Both she and I made it. My mother did all the ceramic work and then I did all the painting and decorating of these figurines. I was, or am, a good artist – don’t you think?

Of course, I did shopping on good-weather days and it was so nice to go when or where I wanted. One time, I took my 14 and 8 year-old nieces shopping for their Christmas gifts – clothes – much easier for me! We went to lunch and then came home to make cut-out cookies and when finished, we watched Shrek 3 – we made a day of it and plus, it gave my brother and his wife to do their own Christmas shopping sans the girls.

I did bake a lot of cookies this year and tried my hand at cut-out sugar cookies with all the decorating – icing and such – since I had the time and being artistic – in my glory. I did make gifts out of them. I put 2 dozen in each bag as a present – I would hope they were enjoyed!

I drove to the family Christmas party by myself and had my father as a passenger. It was fun to drive and it made all the outdoor displays a little brighter on the way home about 9 PM.

One gift I really like is the digital frame I received. Between it, the 4 X 6 printer and my lap top, my digital camera makes photography a joy. It seems I can do all from a memory chip and like the versatility.

New Year’s just sort of came and went for me – I have regrets but it really will not change a thing – I just hope that 2008 is good!

I have lately gotten into redecorating my room – mainly moving things around – reorganizing my mess into another artistic daydream!! HA HA I am still using a lot of denim to accent my paintings but decided to freshen it up a bit using new fabric and new ideas like re-grouping things and rearranging photos and paintings.

One of my artistic projects is putting silk tropical plants and shells on a natural sponge Arlene and Jim bought in Florida. It did have real air plants, but they all died after 2 years! Not bad. So, I am sure it will come out nicely and they’ll like it.

I am re-doing the front door mini-ramps so I can get in and out easier without bopping into the door jam! I made sure it all was wider, longer and non-skid!

A new therapy for me!!! Paint by numbers! Yes, I used to love it as a child and now it’ll help me with my eye-hand coordination and control. This one painting in particular that I bought has a lot of minute details which I will love to tackle and I know that this will help in my freehand art too. I already have an idea for a painting I would love to accomplish!!

My writing. For the first book, I’m still trying to find a literary agent and also have been kicking around new ideas to rearrange it and use a new format to freshen it up and make it more of a novelty in its genre. As far as #2, I need inspiration!!

I am hoping to manage a few road trips this spring – first New Hope, PA then NYC and, yes, I plan to call everyone in the area in hopes to meet up. When I finalize the dates – then I’ll phone. But again, S-P-R-I-N-G!! I HATE COLD AND SNOW!!

I was so determined to begin a good weight-loss program and looking forward to a full exercise schedule again, also to help. I did let myself go for the Holidays and, no, I didn’t balloon up (or out) but I did hit 200. And according to my doctor, I should be at 180. (By the way, she cannot believe I weigh that much!) I earnestly began on 1/7 when Arlene and Jim left to work because I have this horrible habit of using them as my excuse for eating junk and sloughing off. Well, a week into it all and after a loss of 4.5 pounds (Yeah), my back went out! AND, doing something soooo stupid, I never would have thought!! I was getting in the shower and kicked off my undies and then – BAM! Right up my spine!! So, a week after taking it easy and an anti-inflammatory, I am getting motivated again by true dieting and doing exercises in careful stages until I can get to 100%.

Before anyone even thinks of, “Well, that’s no big deal”! Remember that I lost everything by the end of 1999 – my health, my job, my lifestyle. When 2000 began, I couldn’t walk, talk, write, feed or groom myself, cook and the list goes on. So, when I write things that seem trivial to you or others – I am now able to do such stupid, mundane, every day things again and, guess what, it IS a victory to ME. And a big hug, kiss and heartfelt ‘thank you’ to all of you who never gave up on me and encouraged me to keep trying. You know, my next goal is to walk – even with a cane or walker!!!

Another question I wish to address is my spirituality. I have had a number of friends and family ask me many things relating to my beliefs. Well, I do believe in a Supreme Being (God) and am very spiritual using my Catholic upbringing as a basis for my every day ritual. So, yes, everyday, I make sure – before I do anything else outside the home – I do a very Catholic thing – I say the Rosary as I do the stationary bike with no TV or music to distract my meditation. I have to thank my father for instilling my want of doing this daily and then my mother because I do the Divine Mercy each day instead of the basic Rosary. When I finish, then I quietly do personal prayers for my family, friends and even people who just need a prayer, and, of course – myself – mainly health, protection and happiness is the theme. So, I detest organized religion that tells me that I am a bad person. I don’t see that and never will – my God doesn’t!!

Well, my next update will be in May 2008 and look forward to spring!!!

As always,
Ron

Happy 2008! It HAS to be a good year!

I know that I have been very remiss in keeping up with my BLOG, but it seemed right after my birthday in November, I got swamped with family scenarios, road trips – THEN the holidays hit – cooking, baking, shopping and decorating.

Since getting my driver’s license and the mini-van, it seems my family and friends have even more options for my day. We always tend to go out eating and/ or shopping!! My father is a big fan of going out to dinner. He likes to go out to eat and enjoys having company. He’s 81 years-old now and HATES night driving. The oncoming headlights are not a problem for me. He also hates “city” traffic – again, doesn’t bother me. He’s very opinionated about his directions and driving pointers which I usually just tell him, “I’m driving”! Then, he’s quiet and sometimes sulks (like a child). And, he loves his coupons!! Anyway, I feel good when we do get to go even though at times I could shake him!

My younger nieces (9 and 12) like to go shopping and then have lunch. They have the attention spans of gnats – flitting from one store to the next – and wanting everything within reach. They are thrilled to go to Burger King or Mc Donald’s. I also have three 14 year-old nieces too! Now, they LOVE clothes and can happily go from one shop to another and all I keep saying is, “Your mother and father would kill me if I let you buy that”! Lunch – we have to go to T.G.I. Friday’s or Bennigan’s or Olive Garden or any other sit-down fast food restaurant with waiters. They prefer “waiters” so they can flirt, but unbeknownst to them, most would rather flirt with me!! If we unluckily are seated in a waitress’ station, I feel like I am at a table of Linda Blairs in the “Exorcist” as their heads turn to look at a cute waiter. Oh, to be young again and giggle like a girl! HA HA

I have also become a taxi for my parents since the van – doctor appointments and grocery store trips. It is an easy access for them into the mini-van with the ramp and plus – an added bonus for the doctors visits is that I can hear what the doctor says to them. Because, I swear, they must put their fingers in their ears and go “la la la” whenever the doctor says something they don’t like. Then, I can go home and stir up the siblings to badger them!! HA HA

Well, then Thanksgiving came along. My sister and her husband wouldn’t be home this year (2007). So, that left me to cook and entertain my parents over dinner. It would be my first Thanksgiving dinner that I’d cook since 1998 – the year before I got PML. I totally amazed my parents, siblings and friends this year (2007) because I managed it all – stuffed turkey, candied yams, mashed potatoes au gratin, salad and an antipasto plate I was genuinely pleased with the food that I made and my father gave it a “10” – WHICH made my sister jokingly announce then I’ll cook for Christmas!

Then, the race began to get ready for Christmas!!

Since, my sister was not coming home; I decided to decorate the inside of the house for her as a gift (the living room, dining room and kitchen – her part) in addition to my bedroom. So, I was busy for a week getting the bins from the storage shed and decorating.

Then, I had to begin my shopping!! And, again, this was the first time in 7 years that I was able to go Christmas shopping – alone – without needing help. And, I enjoyed it because I was able to go when I wanted, where I wanted and for as long as I wanted. I was able to shop at my leisure and think; which is a far cry from buying in a hurry while someone waits. It was a delight to shop a little at a time.

I had a small dinner party with 3 close friends in the beginning of December. I did all the cooking too – a pot roast, cruditeé and other goodies. We had a very good time – a lot of laughs, sarcastic gay witty banter and reminiscing.

About a week before Christmas, I began baking cookies with purpose – I decided to give about 2 dozen in a gift bag and managed to create 12 “gifts.” I was definitely “cookied out” by Christmas Eve. On the Eve, all my siblings, some nieces and nephews and my parents get together for a family party which began as a birthday party for my Dad to celebrate his birthday (12/25) when my parents divorced 33 years ago. My parents get along nicely, so it’s become our family’s Christmas party.

After Christmas, I spent a quiet New Year’s Eve with a sister, a brother and their spouses. We played cards, watched a movie until we were able to watch the ball drop at Times Square. I amazed them all when I said I lived in NYC for 12 years and never once went to Times Square on NYE!! I joked that only tourists go and I’d spend the evening with friends at a club and watch the ball drop on a big screen!

I never was a big fan of NYE, but I have to hope 2008 is even more exhilarating for me as more obstacles are overcome. I am very happy with 2007 – getting my driver’s license, the mini-van and continued good health. My little everyday victories over the past year may seem small to many people, but I am glad that I have an even larger part of my life back. So, when I see less fortunate people, I have to be happy that I can do or accomplish what I am able.