June 2005 Archives

Everyone needs a good laugh every now and then. I liked these, they made me laugh out loud and hope you enjoy them too! If they are old ones you heard before, well - enjoy them again!

Holy Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step
into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering
to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a
statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly
reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory
the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second
bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three
times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs, then yells... "Holy Mary, Mother of God
hand lotion too!"

PAINTING THE CONVENT

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a
drop of paint on their habits. After conferring, the two nuns decide to
lock the door, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project there is a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls
one of the nuns.

"Blind man" replies a voice from the other side of the door. The nuns
look at each other and shrug. Deciding that no harm can come from
letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs" says
the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

THE OLD POODLE

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a
photo safari in Africa,
taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along
for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing
butterflies and before long,
Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about,
she notices a leopard
heading rapidly in her direction with the intention
of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in
deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she
immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with her back to the approaching
cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap,
the old poodle exclaims
loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I
wonder if there are any more
around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts
his attack in mid-strike,
a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away
into the trees. "Whew!",
says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle
nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been
watching the whole scene from
a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to
good use and trade it
for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but
the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figures that something must
be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being
made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going
to happen to that
conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard
coming with the monkey on
his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?",
but instead of running,
the dog sits down with her back to her attackers,
pretending she hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to
hear, the old poodle says,
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour
ago to bring me another
leopard!"
Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old folk...age and
treachery will always
overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance
only come with age and
experience!

The past few days, I been a little depressed, snappy and just pissed off at the world it seems. I did very little writing, no art, a little exercising, nothing much. I get like that every so often - not much, though - very hit or miss, maybe 6 months or so. My heart just ACHES, not for any single reason, a bunch of feelings all wrapped into each other just hit me. That feeling is like all my fears and disappointments are in a big mental cloud overhanging my soul. I am getting through it now. But, during its deepest, darkest element, I listened to every heartbreaking song and ate every fattening goodie within arm's reach! Anything C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E was at the top of the list!

I was floored by the honesty of Moffie's (Tim's) thread and so moved by it all. It made me realize just how trivial I can be at times and how sometimes I cannot help being full of self-pity and self-degradation. Then, in a few days, I pull myself up and attack life with a new determination and vigor. I AM DEDICATING THIS BLOG TO MOFFIE! This is also a little bit for Bailey. Some men will always be A-holes, but some will try to change and adapt a little - they will make you happy. I hope you find the latter soon and I hope to find one for me too!! There will always be men to break your heart for no apparent reason and you will shake your head confused by their actions. It will hurt for a while, I am sure, but then you will find someone so very special, so very soon. To Jonathan - you give me incentive to lighten up again. You remind me how wondrous simple things can be and not to focus on negative issues in my life. I have to keep trying no matter how disillusioned I get or how disappointing things can be.

Pennsylvania Dreamin' - When I was 16 and 17 - after I lost the weight, worked out and did an extreme makeover - 1970s edition - Ha Ha I thought finding love would be so much easier if I had the "right" look. Time marched on through the years, late teens, twenties, thirties and seemed to walk all over my heart as it stomped on by. I used to think, "What is wrong with me?" When I was in my late teens, I contemplated my worth as a human being, namely a gay man. I used to enjoy going to the bench swing in my mother's backyard at night on a warm summer night with just a hint of mugginess and a light breeze. I would look at the weeping willows swaying gently and watch the fire flies twinkle in the trees or in the grass. I loved to rock myself slowly on the swing and take this all in. A deep breathe of the night air and I would look up into the star-filled sky (New Moon was the best and here in Northeast Pennsylvania, city lights did not disturb the view). I would look up at the stars and wish to be in love. Then, I would wonder if my future lover was doing the same. I think I did this in the Autumn too - breathing in the musty smell of decaying leaves as I looked up into the clear crisp Autumn sky. On clear nights in winter with snow covering the bare trees, the evergreens and the lawn as my lungs felt the cold air as I breathed in and sighed. I tended to spend an inordinate amount of time on that swing!

I digress a bit too much. I could not believe the depth of a simple unfeeling action by a man was able to cut so deep into my heart and soul. By the time I had hit 20, I had been in love with a man who did not love me and had been used rather unceremoniously as a sexual plaything. I promised myself, I would never allow anything like that to happen to me again and never let some jerk to get to me. I decided, I had to be the first one to toss away the other man; not be the first to be devastated by him. First strike and let it all "roll off my back like water on a duck's back." Well, that got me to 41. I always had my guidelines for a lover. Over time, my guidelines became more rigid; refusing to get hurt by any man - ever. Protection? Over the following years, a number of boyfriends and lovers managed to avoid my detection - slipping under my radar (or gaydar Ha Ha). Some of these men did break my heart; although, I managed to destroy a few myself. Now, I do have regrets about how shallow I was and the hurt I caused. BUT, the things I learned from each and every one of the men proved invaluable to me.

I learned how superficial I was when I left them AIDS BC. I definitely was such a snotty bitch back then. I hated nothing more though than how deflating it was to have a man use me then leave. I acted as if it did not matter to me, but inside the private me - bits and pieces of my heart were cut away by each and every one. Well, AIDS AD has definitely made me more empathetic to all kinds of people. I do not wish to trivialize what anyone is going through, but I definitely became a more "complete" person - less self-involved. Does that make sense? The HIV/ AIDS/ PML have given me yet another layer for me to break through and discover things of myself or the other person. I find that the HIV has made some people more available to so many things - some good, some bad. I have given little thought to ever being in a relationship again because of my HIV/ AIDS/ PML. I really thought everything had been finished for me back in November 1999. A couple years later, I was able to reconnect with my previous lover and through time, we started picking up the pieces of our lives. One day, a few months further into the rebuilding of our relationship, he just left, very matter of fact, without a word. Devastation wracked me again for the months that followed. I did not push for us to reunite or anything. Maybe that was a mistake - I will never know. I pushed any notions of being in love to the back of my mind. It all was not worth it: the aggravation and all the rules. As months passed since my disappointment, I decided to try to "get out there" more and have made an effort to connect with men all over the US and this region in hopes of finding common situations. I went with my best friend to get out more and joined a few gay internet web sites. I had thought I had begun to make connections for friendships for future relationships. Some of these people that I connected with were special and became friends - they had a huge heart and many varied talents - many POZ. The other group was a mixture of POZ men and HIV negative men looking for an easy lay I guess. When I made it clear I was seeking a man with depth - ALL took off running! I did not think I asked for more than deserved and remain flabbergasted at the reaction after so many swore they sought the same. At this point, I shrug my shoulders and keep trying.

I know I pissed off a lot of people when I took a lot of my aggravation out on this site and apologized when I realized what I had done when I had first found this web site. I was so childish. That debacle would be the first and more followed as the weeks passed. I slowly realized that one by one, these men were looking for a very single-sided relationship. I would have to be the one acquiescing many of my current focuses. I probably scared them all off with my almost stubborn attitude regarding my life. I continue to work toward finding a special man for me and also hope everything I had experienced over the years has taught me well. BUT, I still present my heart too easily, so smack me when I do!

I am not about to run headlong into any relationship. It does make me wonder about my time as a young man sitting on that swing - maybe my sense of romance and relationships have been warped by all those romance novels I snagged from my sisters or mother back then too.

Oh well, I need to hold close the friends I have had for years and my family for encouraging and helping me. It may seem funny to some, but my family has always been exposed to my gay life and have embraced my friends over the years and even accepted my lovers as my "significant other." I always said my lover needed to charm my mother and sisters and hold his own with my father and brothers!

In July, we are having a cookout for my mother's birthday. I have invited 3 friends who have known my mother and family for years. First is Andy, my best friend for 26 years. Andy knows everyone and is famous for his quick wit and sense of humor. My mother loves him. He will be bringing his lover too. Second is Joe, a friend of mine for 24 years. He is a more easy going man with a calm atmosphere about him. Joe will also bring his lover. Third is John. John was my best friend for 7 years of the 12 I had lived in NYC. John was instrumental in easing my family into my HIV situation. I think the three of them very nicely complement each other and have shown "gay" men are of all types. Andy is tall and athletic and likes bawdy humor which amuses the family. Joe is the more sensitive, artistic man. John is the all-around guy - butch, but not overly and not too much of a queen, but knows when to camp. Everyone in my family knows about each of them and does not care. They have been incorporated into my family.

Someday, soon I hope, I will introduce my lover to my family and have him become part of the circle around me. I know I have changed over the years and more so when I became HIV+. I now know there is not anything wrong with me; I just have not fallen in love with the right man yet.

I am muddling through it all and see the haze over my life lifting. So, I started to re-energize myself with my exercises and delved back into my writing and attempting to find a publisher. I will not give you a title and I am using a pseudonym - I am not here to promote my book. I am getting into art too. I dug out an old idea for a painting.

A busy mind allows little time for self-defeating thoughts, but every now and then, they manage to seep in and "take the steam" out of my life for a few days. I take stock of everything I do have and go on again - still determined, still focused, still dreaming...

It is so funny that this subject was broached in the Living with HIV Forum. I was going to put it in my BLOG a few days ago. I have been thinking about how I think of life in general these days - MY spirituality. I am not asking for anyone's approval; I am just writing this to tell people about me. So, be kind!

I am not here to force my beliefs on anyone, but having faith in something greater and believing it is benevolent has made me a stronger person even with the terrible after-effects of the PML. I truly believe I have survived for a purpose and what it is or may be has not yet revealed itself to me. My 30 minutes of meditation (prayer) with positive reinforcements have gotten me this far and for that I am grateful. I am sure my idea will be poo poo-ed by those that feel this HIV/ AIDS was fate or a thing of nature. BUT, think of it, FATE is a concept, something believed in and nature as a force is omnipresent in everything - sooooo....MY belief in a higher power is for "Me" - it makes me feel better and reminds me to keep being strong and being a good person.

My faith has made me strong to battle HIV/ AIDS. It gave the determination to work on getting better through my exercises. It has made more prepared for relationships and possible heartache. It has given me the extra umpf to go on. Many will see HIV as just a chance occurrence, but I HAVE to think there is something else "out there". I would hate to think that the sum of my life is a zero - that when I am gone, I am just gone.

When I first got the PML, I was so angry at God (or whatever your supreme being may be if you believe in one or more) for allowing this to happen. I was spiritual back then - 6 years ago. Being raised Catholic, I took parts of my religious teachings and folded them into my gay lifestyle - to create my personal spirituality. It was my form of meditation. I liked the repetitive, yet purposeful prayers of the Rosary and said it every day back then as a promise for continued good health and a good job. I rarely went to a church, scoffed at the priests and dismissed the Pope. No one has the right to tell me I am evil and going to Hell!! I have not been a member of any organized religion, so many seem hypocritical. I never believed in Hell and do believe everyone is capable of being a good person and will choose to do right. My version of God is every sex, every race - we are made in his or her image! I would be devastated to find out we all have been nothing but a fluke. So, 6 years ago, I felt good and had become the president of a Children's fashion company - my pinnacle (my prayers have been answered). Then, POOF, November 2, 1999 - all gone! HIV/ AIDS/ PML took it all away. Even at the beginning, I even kept up my daily ritual of saying the Rosary as I meditated to my God (in case this whole idea upsets you). I was sure my illness was nothing more than an inconvenience. As the weeks progressed, my beliefs dwindled and it got to the point where I cared no longer and all my prayers seemed futile. I did not do my prayers anymore back then.

I was being petulant; my anger with God had taken away any desire for me to pray. I did not say a prayer in the first 3 years of my illness. I continued to improve each day even without my prayers. Then it dawned in me 3 years ago, maybe my prayers did give me the strength to persevere in those first 3 years. Maybe I had been spared for a reason. I embraced my spirituality again. I have been using the Rosary again for the past 3 years for my 30 minutes of self-reflection and meditation to calm myself, re-focus (if I wander - which is often!) and buff up my determination. My meditation or prayers help get me ready for another day and fight the good fight. I see my prayers as my spiritual meditation and help me through the day. Some see this as a nonsensical belief of no value, a silly superstition, but to me it means a lot. I respect everyone's opinions no matter what it may incur. I HAVE to believe there is something else, because I WANT to.

Ron

Little Steve sent me some wonderful photos of his 2 favorite beaches in Australia - liked them a lot! So, theses are for Steve and everyone else to enjoy too! I hope you enjoy the few I picked out!

This photo is near Quebradillas, Puerto Rico - right near where I was staying. Some beaches rocky and others all white sand. Both kinds were amazing.

This one is at one of my favorite beaches - Jobos. One side is very rocky, the other all white sand and a calm lagoon.

This photo was by accident. I wanted to photograph waves crashing on the rocks in the distance like photo 2, but instead this wave whooshed up right in front of me as I was taking the shot - it is my favorite.

This photo is of El Cavario - a religious site with the replicas of various stages of the Crucifixion going up to the top of this hill, where Calvary is depicted. I like this photo a lot because as we approached the top, a thunderstorm rolled in and I got this photo just before it rained. I am not a religious person, but I did get the chills and not because of the rain!

This is another photo of the back of El Cavario as you are following the path back down. The statues and the scenes are all so gorgeous, if you are religious or not.

I have been reading a book/ novel called The Master by Colm Toibin - I like it, the words are so melodeous in parts and very poignant when describing a feeling. I liked this one paragraph and have substituted HIV for the 'war' and hope you do too. I think it can be used to describe HIV and very moving.

"Once that summer was over, I could, as I said, remember it perfectly, but during those long days, with all that talk and all that company, it was as though there existed a great curtain around everything. I felt sometimes as if I were underwater, seeing things only in vague outline and desperately trying to come up for air. I do not know what the war did to me, save that I survived. But I know now that fear and shock and bravery are merely words, and they do not tell us - nothing does - that when you experience them day in day out, you lose part of yourself and you can never get it back. After the war I was diminished and I knew this; part of my soul, my way of living and feeling, was paralyzed but I could not tell what part. Nobody recognized what was wrong, not even myself most of the time."

Ron

I just thought you would appreciate this BLOG. Silly to most, I am sure, but he is very cute! Not everything in here has to be serious - as I was reminded. So enjoy! I do! Since you have his "Mud on the Tires" CD - track 8 - Hold Me In Your Arms - damn!!!!!

Ron

First of all, I LOVE COWBOYS! Alan Jackson? We'd have to rassel for'em! He makes me wish...

Andy, it is of JMM. I did this 8 years ago. I think he's a hunk (back then) now it's Brad Paisley!

I did the Cowboy on vellum paper 42" by 27". His hat and shirt is acrylic paint. The jeans and flesh are pencil and charcoal. The boots are marker. The belt, buckles and highlights are ink. I really enjoy using a lot of different mediums on unique surfaces where it fits.

The top left painting is an abstract I did in acrylic on canvas 24" by 30" - 27 years ago, called "The Arts". The top right is called "Winter Blossum", 36" by 48" canvas. I used acrlic paint, but used tissue paper and a glue mix to create texture to go under the bronze and the white edge of the flower. It has to be 14 years old. The bottom is a seascape done entirely in shades of gray, black and white - 24' by 36" acrylic on canvas - 25 years ago.

I love to paint and draw, but my paintings are few and far between - I have to be inspired!! I do have 4 others I am proud of too and have begun a piece, a painting that will be composed of 16 panels of 8 by 10 vellum sheets done in the same mediums as the "Cowboy" - a companion work - of a cowboy reclining on top of a fence. The 16 panels separately will make no sense, but when displayed on a wall - 4 panels across by 4 panels down - you get a painting of about 44" wide by 40" down.

Ron

I wanted to include this painting that I did 8 years ago. Yes, I have a thing for cowboys, and yes, I can draw and paint too! Besides, I am just trying different things on the BLOGS and these will hopefully keep them intersting or make them more so - a picture IS worth a thousand words!

Ron

These are my two "babies' while my sister, Arlene and her husband, Jim go out on the road in their freight truck. They go for 3 weeks at a time, home for 3 or 4 days. In those 3 weeks, the dogs are my "babies" - I feed, care for and play with them. They are wonderful company. Shilo is the 2 year female on the left with the narrower snout and gorgeous light brown eyes with black outlines. Shadow is on the right with the broader snout and big deep dark brown eyes. I just had to share the "loves of my life"!

Ron

My bout with PML/HIV/AIDS has given me a lot to think about as far as finding a new (and hopefully better) lover. My previous lover did remain with me as I spiraled down into the depths of PML. He was my primary caregiver for the first 3 months before my sister, Arlene, took over in February 2000. He even moved to Pennsylvania with me when I asked (demanded) he come too. He and I stayed at my mother's for the first 2 weeks and then we moved in with my sister, Arlene and her husband. My lover constantly was at odds with my family about my care and the foods I could eat. He cooked heavy and spicy foods that I did like before getting sick; he did not know any better. No one did. He did leave Pennsylvania and went back to New York City as a usual trip to check on things. He never came back, like he disappeared. I do not know if he just tired of having to argue with my family or he thought I was near death. For the first 3 years after I initially got ill, I was sure he think I died and he returned to Venezuela. I found a way to find him in Venezuela that year and I was well enough to telephone him. I think he was genuinely surprised to hear I had survived. We talked and wrote during the couple months following our reconnection. We even made plans for him to come and visit me for 2 weeks. The day of his arrival came and went, without him ever contacting me. I finally tracked him down through his sisters. I asked what happened and he had given me flimsy excuses as to why he was delayed and why he never called. I accepted this and re-scheduled his arrival AGAIN. Once again, the day came and went with him as a no show and no contact. Well, enough is enough. I sent him a very nasty e-mail telling him so and to burn my addresses, rip up my telephone number and NEVER, EVER contact me again - pretend I had died! I also CCd my e-mail to his 2 sisters that I know well to let them know what he did. Yes, I was a spiteful person, but in the end, even though he is their brother, the 2 sisters still write, send photos and cards to me. I do still tell them of my achievements and my goals, because I am sure they tell him. I was so devastated by his actions and wondered what I had said and done or did not say and do to make him do this. I will never know and do not wish to know.

Two years have passed since then and I am angry at myself for not getting out more and meeting new people. I have people who have friends here 20 and 25 years and enjoy doing things with them. I believe with the HIV/ PML/ AIDS that I have a lot to contribute to any relationship. I get angry when guys assume I am desperate for companionship. I have to laugh when I blow their hopes of an easy lay when I tell them this. Yes, it hurts like hell to have people think you are desperate or easy if you have HIV. I like my principles and am not about to change them now. A good person is a good person with or without HIV. I do hope someday that I will find a loving, sweet man and fall in love again. I would hope I do not become a "bitter old queen" and live the rest of my life alone. Recently, I have taken a number of proactive steps in the hope that I will find a right guy. My biggest step is just getting out more in my Jazzy. Even window shopping, the parks and other venues. I am not up to going to bars and clubs yet. I try to get out with friends to meet other people in other pro-gay settings . I just hope my humor, intelligence and romantic nature is enough to make a guy say, "hey".

I am sure you all are saying that I "hope" a lot. Well, I have to believe it is all going to happen soon. I will not give up, but have realized that I have to help it all along. My Prince Charming is not going to find me in my living room! I probably sound naive and simplistic to some, but I do not wish to become so jaded and bitter without having at least tried.

I am.

Ron

My sister, Arlene, asked me, "Why don't you go on vacation?" FYI - I live with Arlene and her husband. It works very well. Arlene and Jim own their own freight truck, so are gone for 3 to 4 weeks at a time. Home for 3 or 4 days to rush around doing errands and such - then off again. I babysit for their 2 dogs, white shepherds. Playful, loving protectors! Arlene offered to have her brother-in-law watch the place and the dogs.

I thought very seriously, Where would I go? What about my obstacles? Then I realized I would not go, because I would need to fly to the places I would enjoy the most. I have no idea what the air pressure changes might do to me. Even my doctor does not know the effect on me because of the PML. It has never been documented and I am sure it is very rare since the extremely high mortality rate of PML.

I have a lot of miles on an airline from when I traveled the US for business, so going to these destinations would not be a problem. I am not embarrassed by having to use a wheelchair and I can even check my Jazzy to use when I got there.

Problem. I so much enjoy Puerto Rico and love the beach. How can I even think of managing that? My ex-lover lives in a gorgeous coastal village in his parents' huge house and he and his mother offered the lower half of their home. They know everything and he is also positive. He even offered to push me onto the beach! I enjoy the beach a lot, but have realistically acknowledged the fact, it may never happen again. I have a display I created for 30 or so seashells I got in Puerto Rico 12 years ago. I have a large glass platter in the shape of a shell, maybe 24 inches long by 12 inches wide. Swirling grooves converging into a circular point to one side. The platter reminds me of the ocean for some reason. So, I got colored sand - turquoise, green and white to place and swirl into the platter like the ocean and the white froth of the waves. I also purchased glass nuggets in blue, lime and clear to intersperse between the shells placed on the sand. I had always liked looking at it, but now I stare at it and my mind wanders back to the time when I could lay in the sun on the beach, swim in the warm Caribbean or play in the waves. I would be lying if I said that these thoughts did not bring tears to my eyes or did not make my heart ache with fantastic wishes of being ambulatory. I could handle the HIV+ issues, but not being able to walk, is my deal breaker.

Where else would I go? Paris, France. A very good friend of mine of 12 years ago lives there. He is always asking me to go. I probably would, but my fear of the pressure changes prevent me. Problem. What will that do to my already PML-damaged brain? Will I have migraines or pass out or die? No one is sure and I do not know if I am brave enough to find out.

So, I guess I will be safe and dream, but continue to receive post cards and photographs of Paris and Puerto Rico.

Ron

A friend's friend at a cookout had asked me the question, "Do you ever think of HIV?". I blanched and looked at this man as if he had three heads! I chuckled sarcastically, shaking my head and said, "All the time, everyday. I have no choice."

Then I thought how horrible that HIV negative people had become so complacent in the issues HIV positive people have every day. Next thing was I knew I was forcefully, not angrily, telling him about the PML and my day.

I was diagnosed with PML in November 1999 and should have died in 3 to 7 months. PML (Progressive Multifocal Leukoencephalopathy) is caused by a virus that attacks the brain leaving the person with severe stroke-like symptoms and is fatal 90% of the time. The virus that causes PML is released to do its job because of the debilitating effect of AIDS on the immune system. About 2% to 10% of AIDS patients get PML and of those only about 10% survive. At the most severe of my decline: I lost my coordination, balance and speech. I could not write or draw. I rarely got out of bed except to be placed in a wheelchair for a doctor appointment. But, I did survive and adapted.

Almost 6 years since November 1999, I can again enjoy things like drawing, painting, typing or writing letters, talking on the telephone and exercising for therapy. I only go to bed to sleep now and spend my days exercising, therapies, cleaning, cooking, gardening, etc. But, it took a lot of work and determination to get to this point. I had to relearn to do so many things from a wheelchair. Now, I have the Jazzy, a motorized wheelchair, and am so spoiled by it. A manual chair is extremely difficult for me to use now.

Let me see.........Hmmmmmmm

My alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m., so I get up and have to pivot from my bed to the Jazzy. (HIV) I let the 2 dogs out, two 90 lb white shepherds, scoot to the kitchen and put the coffee on, scoot back to my bedroom to make the bed and get out my clothes for the day. Let the "kids" in and shave. I use an electric razor now. A single large straight razor head, not the three rotary heads. I have not the coordination to make circular motions. (HIV) Have my coffee, then scoot into my HANDICAP bathroom to my HANDICAP shower stall with brace bars and a shower chair. (HIV) I undress from my Jazzy, shower with the handheld shower head, dry off and redress.

By 7:30 a.m., I practice my handwriting for 45 minutes using either my Spanish or French books to write out my lessons and write 1 to 100 for number practice. (HIV) By 8:30, I do my first 5 miles on my stationary bike for circulation and keeping the muscles toned. (HIV) After my bike, I brush my teeth with an electric toothbrush, because I lack the coordination to use a manual. (HIV)

Then by 9:30, I read 6 pages of my current novel aloud to help keep my voice and diction understandable. (HIV)

10 a.m. Calisthenics for 45 minutes from my bed or from a sofa because I HAVE to do them from a seated position. (HIV) I am very imaginative on these too!

By 11 a.m., My free time to clean or whatever. I can vacuum from my Jazzy, dust shelves and tables, because I can stand as long as I have something sturdy to hang on to. I can wash dishes and put them away. I love to cook and can make some heavy duty soups, pasta, stews, baked meats, cookies, etc. If it is nice and sunny with low humidity, I spend some of this time sunbathing. I use sunblock! I can use the deck rail to get out of my chair and lay on a big beach towel. I love the sun!

1 p.m. I do 45 minutes of exercising with parallel bars standing up, then use the bars as a steadying brace to do another 45 minutes of floor mat exercises. Again, my imagination worked well here. (HIV)

2:30 p.m. another 5 miles on the bike. (HIV)

3 to 4 p.m. free time for whatever. I love playing Frisbee and ball with the dogs. It took me 3 years to be able to throw a Frisbee decently. Ball, well, I am working on it! (HIV)

4 p.m. about 30 minutes of free weight dumb bells for my arms and wrists. (HIV)

Done for the day by 5 p.m. Dinner, feed the dogs, my hobbies, TV, whatever until bed at 10 or 11 p.m.

On Saturday and Sunday, I only do the bike, my writing and the reading, so I have most of the weekends free.

I think HIV is pretty much involved in every aspect of my life. I do not dwell on it and rarely feel sorry for myself. What is done is done, so I push forward and hope for the best. I adapt my daily activities to being in my wheelchair. Yes, there are some things I may never do again. But, even the stupidest, asinine things done from my chair give me pleasure and hope. I do not plan to give up with a whimper, but fight like hell to the very end! I would never presume to know anyone else's fight with HIV, but would hope they help me understand their needs and wants.

So, every morning at 8 a.m., I take my two pills without a thought and then again two more at 8 p.m. (with a little sigh)

Ron

I have been reading different BLOGS and posts and have realized how lucky I have been with my meds and having no side effects from the meds. Should I feel happy, I am not, because I cannot get the hurt out of my heart for those that do. You have to be angry with me for being unaffected by these medications and trying to be sympathetic. I am not going to even begin to fathom what different people with HIV have to go through. I just happen to be one of the few that have not had any side effects right now, but that could change. In the throes of the PML (my O.I.), I remember having to take 4 pills in the a.m. and 5 then in the p.m. In the second month of my downward spiral, I even had shots of Inferon every day for two weeks. Damn, back then the nausea was so bad! I hated vomiting, but had no choice. My doctor suggested I take the pills with Ensure to coat my stomach and cut down on the nausea. It helped. And through my first two years, I stuck to my regimen without fail - 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. nine pills a day. I also had been on Valium too for muscle spasms in my neck and back. In my third year, I was put on the Trizivir and Viramune. My counts were good and I was happily cut to 4 pills a day - one of each at 8 a.m. and one of each at 8 p.m. I did not need the Valium anymore and hopefully never will. I never had diarrhea, persistent fevers or night sweats. My weight loss was at the onset of the PML and I gained it all back since and it has been well maintained. O.I.s - I think the PML was more than enough! I am grateful to no end that I have been lucky to have circumvented any others.

I do not wish or want to sound as if I am trivializing other individuals' plight or suffering. That is not my intention. My utmost respect and admiration for anyone having to deal with so many disheartening and dehumanizing issues. My embarrassment of being confined to a wheelchair seems so petty now. Jesus, how could I have been so egotistical?

Oh well, I cannot please everyone with Tainted Love, never intended to. It is a typical 80s song, very marketable at the time and a very individual taste. I was very 80s then too and enjoyed a lot of the music from the 80s also. I thought the words were something to read, not hum along to. For me, music is the strongest catalyst of my memories.

I enjoyed myself a lot in the 80s. I was 22 in 1980 and went through to 31 in 1989. I drank and danced my way from Northeast Pennsylvania to New Hope, Pennsylvania (Philadelphia) to NYC. This disposable music marked a lot of self-important stages in MY life during this time. I marked my thirtieth year between all the drinks, dances and boyfriends. Some of these songs do make me reminisce. I am sorry I did not have depth of my self back then, but who did? What makes you wish for more innocent times? Smells, a familiar sight, a song, etc. My strongest catalyst is the music. If anyone says nothing stirs memories or their emotions, then I would say you are a liar or a very sarcastic, icy human being having lost all feeling. Everyone has something that evokes a thought of innocent childhood fun, high school, college, coming out (if it applies), a heart-ripping love or loves, this disease and your fight, etc. Please do not tell me I am being overly sensitive or melodramatic, that memories and longing are for fools. Well then, I am a fool.

HMmmmmmmmm

I also liked: Sylvester, Dead or Alive, Lime, Donna Summer, The Eurythmics, Berlin, Culture Club, Madonna (the early stuff) and the list can go on and on. But, it was my taste back then.

Now, growing up - 6 to 13 maybe, memories are brought to the surface by The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Elvis and endless early Rock and Roll artists. And, the early 70s.

I am half Lithuanian and half Ukrainian, so taking accordion lessons was mandatory. I can appreciate polka music and hearing it takes me back to being 10 again.

High school memories are brought on by The Doobie Brothers, Elton John (the early stuff), David Bowie, Rod Stewart, Bread, etc., etc. Any music from the mid to late 70s.

My three ex-lovers were Brazilian, Puerto Rican and Venezuelan. I enjoy salsa and enjoy listening to Spanish artists like Chayanne, Marc Anthony, Gloria Estefan, Enrique Iglesias, etc. I can read and write Spanish well now and can now enjoy the Spanish vocals even more now. I like some Portuguese songs too.

Tina Turner, Sade, Toni Braxton, Annie Lennox, Mariah Carey, etc. - are in the late 80s and early 90s?? I liked them too.

People grow up and change. I honestly have changed my tastes again where I enjoy country music the most now. Hokey, but I like it. Brad Paisley, Kenny Chesney, Alan Jackson, Rascall Flatts and Shania Twain! My list of country artists that I enjoy will be long too. I still enjoy current dance music and pop music, some hip hop, some metal, but do not like rap - my own personal opinion, no one else's - please remember that!

Not for nothing and to be a small, tiny, oh so small gay cliche, I absolutely adore the music from "Phantom of the Opera." Some of the songs made me wish someone loved me like that! Other musicals - eh, I enjoy, but do not know every word. Certain numbers remind me of Happy Hour sing-a-longs around the piano. I enjoyed them. BUT, that is me.

I hope this makes remembering a good thing, not a lifestyle. I enjoy looking back at events or people from years past, but look forward to my future - no matter what may happen. I have to keep smiling and hope everyone else does too!

Ron