Finding love with HIV

My bout with PML/HIV/AIDS has given me a lot to think about as far as finding a new (and hopefully better) lover. My previous lover did remain with me as I spiraled down into the depths of PML. He was my primary caregiver for the first 3 months before my sister, Arlene, took over in February 2000. He even moved to Pennsylvania with me when I asked (demanded) he come too. He and I stayed at my mother's for the first 2 weeks and then we moved in with my sister, Arlene and her husband. My lover constantly was at odds with my family about my care and the foods I could eat. He cooked heavy and spicy foods that I did like before getting sick; he did not know any better. No one did. He did leave Pennsylvania and went back to New York City as a usual trip to check on things. He never came back, like he disappeared. I do not know if he just tired of having to argue with my family or he thought I was near death. For the first 3 years after I initially got ill, I was sure he think I died and he returned to Venezuela. I found a way to find him in Venezuela that year and I was well enough to telephone him. I think he was genuinely surprised to hear I had survived. We talked and wrote during the couple months following our reconnection. We even made plans for him to come and visit me for 2 weeks. The day of his arrival came and went, without him ever contacting me. I finally tracked him down through his sisters. I asked what happened and he had given me flimsy excuses as to why he was delayed and why he never called. I accepted this and re-scheduled his arrival AGAIN. Once again, the day came and went with him as a no show and no contact. Well, enough is enough. I sent him a very nasty e-mail telling him so and to burn my addresses, rip up my telephone number and NEVER, EVER contact me again - pretend I had died! I also CCd my e-mail to his 2 sisters that I know well to let them know what he did. Yes, I was a spiteful person, but in the end, even though he is their brother, the 2 sisters still write, send photos and cards to me. I do still tell them of my achievements and my goals, because I am sure they tell him. I was so devastated by his actions and wondered what I had said and done or did not say and do to make him do this. I will never know and do not wish to know.

Two years have passed since then and I am angry at myself for not getting out more and meeting new people. I have people who have friends here 20 and 25 years and enjoy doing things with them. I believe with the HIV/ PML/ AIDS that I have a lot to contribute to any relationship. I get angry when guys assume I am desperate for companionship. I have to laugh when I blow their hopes of an easy lay when I tell them this. Yes, it hurts like hell to have people think you are desperate or easy if you have HIV. I like my principles and am not about to change them now. A good person is a good person with or without HIV. I do hope someday that I will find a loving, sweet man and fall in love again. I would hope I do not become a "bitter old queen" and live the rest of my life alone. Recently, I have taken a number of proactive steps in the hope that I will find a right guy. My biggest step is just getting out more in my Jazzy. Even window shopping, the parks and other venues. I am not up to going to bars and clubs yet. I try to get out with friends to meet other people in other pro-gay settings . I just hope my humor, intelligence and romantic nature is enough to make a guy say, "hey".

I am sure you all are saying that I "hope" a lot. Well, I have to believe it is all going to happen soon. I will not give up, but have realized that I have to help it all along. My Prince Charming is not going to find me in my living room! I probably sound naive and simplistic to some, but I do not wish to become so jaded and bitter without having at least tried.

I am.

Ron