THINGS I MISS

I have to ask all of you a question, because my best friend and I were talking Friday. I wrote about this to another friend and thought you would have opinions on this too. (My best friend has been for 27 years now, but has the libido of a 20 yr old - and, is in an 'open relationship' - I don't get it. I always tell him if he was my lover - I'd kill him! {I'm old-fashioned}) We were discussing my situation and my best friend asked me what I missed most and I said 'hugging' then 'kissing for no reason at all'. He looked at me like I had 2 heads! He couldn't believe I didn't say 'sex'! I told him if sex is all I wanted, believe me, there are those that would fix that problem too, but then that would be all there is. They can't or wouldn't want to handle more. Am I being naive or overly romantic or stupid? Oh, well...

THINGS I MISS

I miss my voice the most. Since the one therapist here said my voice would never improve, I began reading books to myself to help with my diction and vocalization. I read all kinds of books as long as they interested me. My voice is getting better and I've learned to speak slowly so I pronounce the words correctly. I am more comfortable on the telephone now. I can carry on short conversations, but not my old sales pitches. I miss my long chats on the phone. I do miss singing to songs I like. I get sad and emotional when I hear a song I used to sing.
I do miss my career in wholesale sales. I can't make the telephone calls to follow-up my meetings. I can't travel to my accounts like I used to. I had to walk between different offices to handle different problems that came up. I can't make notes like I used to and I don't have the co-ordination in my hands I need to show a line or keep my files like I did. I miss flying around to the different retailers and looking out the window at the sights below. I miss sightseeing and shopping in the different cities. I miss the hotels and the restaurants in the different cities. I am sorry, but I miss my six figure salary. I hate that I collect from SSI in a month what I used to make in a week and a half. I miss not having to worry about rent, clothes, food, household knickknacks or new furniture, going out to a concert, play or restaurant.
I miss living in and going out to restaurants and shows in New York City. For work, I got to go to some of the best restaurants. I used to like trying different foods. Now, if I get nervous, my hands shake; I can't hold any eating utensils steady; I need to drink with a straw so no alcoholic beverages or cappuccinos. Elegant dining is a thing of the past.
I miss my handwriting and being able to draw well. I miss doing paintings and drawings. I even miss writing silly things like phone messages and grocery lists. Oh, I can write that stuff down, but it takes time and practice now.
Most of all, I do miss my times with my ex. He was not only intimate with me sexually; he also was intimate with me spiritually and intellectually. I miss our chats and fights. We rarely fought, but when we did, we were loud and never physical. He and I liked to make each other laugh or at the least smile during the day. He and I were always touching or kissing as we would pass one another - just because. I miss his camaraderie in projects for my apartment. He always helped me out. I miss our shopping trips for clothes or apartment things or food. I did like buying him clothes or his opinion on things for the apartment. I miss him holding me and hugging me, especially when we slept together. I miss holding hands. I miss kissing him and him kissing me when it meant something. Even while watching TV, I miss sitting next to him or having his head on my lap or my hand resting on his thigh. SIGH
Food shopping was even an intimate adventure for us. He and I would awake early on Saturday, so as to go to a farmer's market in NYC for fresh herbs and vegetables. Then off we'd go to an upscale food mall for fresh breads and meats. He liked to cook and we'd leave one another to cook specific dishes. Each of us would happily help the other in the preparation beforehand. I miss being able to cook and bake complicated dishes so easily.
I miss my apartment, because everything in it belonged to me. I liked my lighted wall unit with my china and crystal and a bunch of my knickknacks. I liked my vases, crystal candy dish and my ornate cocktail table. I miss my area rugs, my sofas and glass dining room table. I miss my brass candlesticks, baskets and plates. I even miss vacuuming, dusting and mopping - now I am thrilled to do any of them. Doing my dishes used to be a chore; now I look forward to it. Cleaning the bathroom was a horrendous necessity; now I'm glad I can clean the toilet and shower.
I regret I can't shop like I used to - no room for things I like or want: new comforters, sheets, towels, etc. New dishes and bowls for decoration. Table linens I'll never use now. More shirts than I'll ever wear. Funky ties and socks for dressing up in my suits and sport coats for work. Shoes - just because I like the style. I just can't get around to the stores myself - right now.
I hate the fact I can't drive an automobile. I always did love to drive, whether my own car or a rental on business trips. I just can't get in my car and go for a ride on a sunny day or go to the mall. I am working on getting my own mini-van this summer.
I miss going out with my friends to dance, drink or just to bullshit. I miss two-stepping and making out with a "cowboy". I hate having worked for over twenty years and ending up with nothing. I had to give it all away.

I miss so much of the simpler things in life:

No walking around.
No swimming.
No going to the beach.
No walking along the beach.
No more going out to clubs.
No more mindless flirting.
No more drinking.
No more dancing.
No roller skating.
No ice skating.
No more sleigh riding.
No more snowball fights.
No more impromptu visiting.
No singing.
No running.
No moonlit walks.
No more walks in the rain.
No more walks in the wind before a storm.

I get giddy when I accomplish any task that seemed unthinkable six years ago.

A FEW THINGS I HAD TO RE-LEARN...
LIKE ALL THOSE INCONSEQUENTIAL DAILY PERSONAL HYGIENE TASKS

* Shave using an electric razor, straight line, not circular - I don't have the co-ordination to use a regular razor either with shaving cream or the electric shaver that requires circular motions; I lack the dexterity and patience for such and my hand might tremble too!
* Undress for my shower.
* Manage to get into my shower to use my shower chair and a hand-held shower head.
* Soap up and rinse.
* Shampoo my hair.
* Dry myself off and get out of the shower.
* Comb my hair; put on deodorant and Q-tip my ears (five years ago, I probably would have jammed the whole thing in my ear when my arm would have jerked).
* I put on a cologne (I have at least five different scents) and then redress myself.
* Tie my shoes. Sneakers if it's warm; my work boots if it's cold and I plan to go out side. In the summer, I adore slip-on sneakers and flip-flops!
* Brush my teeth - I use an electric toothbrush now, since I lack the controlled motion needed to use a manual toothbrush. But, I do use a mouthwash too!

AND FROM MY WHEELCHAIR, I HAVE ADAPTED TO BE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH SO MUCH

I am sure many people hate shoveling snow. Me, I enjoy it now, because I can do it. First though, I push the snow away from the door on the deck either by using a broom or a shovel to clear a square yard approximately and spread some rock salt so that my Jazzy has traction. I bundle up and head out the door with my handy hand-held rock salt spreader, do a tight 360 degree turn to close the door behind me. The shovel and the broom are always leaning near the door and easily accessible. I clean off the deck first, scattering rock salt as I go, before tackling the ramp. I clean the ramp by sections, spreading rock salt before I go on to the next inclined section. After I finish the deck and ramp, I let Shadow and Shiloh, the dogs, out to play in the snow. They play as I shovel the short concrete walkway and the patio below the deck. It is a task I do from my Jazzy and many family members and friends are amazed at my ingenuity and drive. So, I learned to do things like shoveling snow from my wheelchair.

I enjoy going outdoors with Shadow and Shiloh when the weather is good. I really like the spring, summer and early autumn days that are warm, but not humid, with a light breeze. I have gotten better at throwing a Frisbee for Shadow. He loves to jump and catch it in mid-air and brings it right back to me to throw it over and over until the slobber makes it too slippery to throw. It is hard to believe four years ago, I barely threw a Frisbee very far and it would fly off in all directions. And, Shiloh, even with bad hips has me tossing her flattened footballs for her to fetch. I never could manage to throw a ball four years ago either. I do not throw far, maybe twenty feet or so, but my aim is much improved. So, simple things like playing catch with the dog means a lot to me and it gladdens my soul to be able to accomplish things like that. Repetition does help.

I enjoy raking in the yard to get ready for spring. I manage to always pitch in as long as the yard is not too wet. I have my work gloves too for such projects. I work slowly from my wheelchair completing a small section at a time before moving on to the adjoining section.

I can bake cakes, cookies, pies and breads now. I have the control in my hands and arms to do this task now. I always liked cooking and baking. What I have to do, I measure all the ingredients first, so everything is handy and ready. I read the recipe first and "categorize" all the ingredients - like the dry ingredients: flour, baking powder, salt and spices together for example. So as I follow the recipe, I can add these "categories" in steps to complete the task: cream the sugar and butter, get the eggs ready, etc. I now can manage the mixer easily and even pouring the batter. My wrists and hands now have the control to easily prepare anything. I have always enjoyed cooking too and like making everything from pasta to chicken soup to stews to pancakes.

I can run the vacuum cleaner in my bedroom, the living room and dining room from a wheelchair, but when I do it, I maybe slower and go by sections than most people. And, I can even use the upright rug shampooer when it is needed. Not a big deal for anyone who can stand and move on two legs, but for me a continued success that I have accomplished three years ago and continue to vacuum every other day.

I also can do the dusting throughout the house. I can use my Jazzy to stand up to hold on a sturdy counter or put my walker in front, so I can dust the top shelves of any bookcase, wall unit or shelf unit in any room. I can easily do table tops and knickknacks. I can polish kitchen cabinets, wipe the top of the refrigerator and clean every counter. I manage to do mirrors and windows too!

I even enjoy the mundane chore of having to do laundry. I can manage to stand at the washer or the dryer to set the dials or add any laundry product needed. When the clothes are done, I can fold them or put them on hangers if needed.

I wash, dry and put away all the dishes, flatware, pans and pots I use during the day from my wheelchair. My hands, wrists and arms have gotten a lot of their coordination back and my movements are controlled and smooth.
I have gotten a majority of the control and dexterity in my hands to be able to draw and paint again. I enjoy everything artistic in nature from interior design to arranging flowers.

Still, I miss the hugs