Subscribe to this blog's feedI can excuse myself for being busy, which I have, but most of my in-attentive mood of late has its roots to my ex and his very taxing shenanigans. I told him that I had enough and to leave me alone. That was a week ago. It all seems so trivial compared to what Jonathan has gone through – puts my life in perspective and keeps my whining to a minimum.
I was truly excited to have my ex back in my life, even though everyone reminded me that he left me 7 years ago – probably because he thought I’d be dead in a few months. I swore that I would never forget that but I could understand part of why he did it, so I figured I could put it past me and we’d try again. To keep this saga short and sweet – I basically caught him in far too many discrepancies in regard to his life and he very quickly, and to me, very audaciously thought ‘”our” lives would go happily onward into the future, regardless of the past.
He touted himself to be an expert on HIV and of course my PML. Now, that really got my panties in a knot! In my last letter to him, I blasted his cavalier attitude with how I know the perils of HIV very well, but choose to keep living my life anyway and did not need his constant reminders. As for the PML, I told him he could never fully understand it and would never experience it as I did and do. I came back to the old standard of mine, “Where were you these past 7 years?” I re-iterated that most of the hard work has been done and obstacles met so he is supposed to sweep in and declare me acceptable now?
I told him how I guess he supposes I should be grateful and thrilled that he wanted me back. I wrote that I’d rather be alone, but that that isn’t going to happen either – I have been working on that already!!
He was also very adamant about the doctors and the therapy in much better there than here. I told him that I disagree. The doctors involved in PML in his area are no better than those I can see here. No one doctor will ever be able to say they know it all. Oh, the therapies – my insurance will cover only 60 up to 80 hours every year, no matter where I go. The center here is good, and they learn too as we go along – so they do try.
I think the main reason for pissing me off is his inability to accept the past and my current situation. He thinks everything is so easy. Enough, I told him. I won’t do this anymore – accept a life he THINKS we should have.
So, I have learned the past has made me more cautious, but I still go on. I am so angry with myself for looking toward the past – a past that no longer suits me. I think I have grown and learned to expand my vision and have learned that looking back isn’t always a good thing. Memories will always bring a smile to my face or a tear to my eye, but I do not wish to go back. What is done, is done – I cannot, nor wish to change my past. My future – whether long or short – awaits me.
One of my bigger goals of recent is beginning as of 4/24 – my first driving lessons with hand controls! It will be so phenomenal to get my driver’s license back – I hope! The freedom it will give back to me is mind boggling to me. I have truly forgotten the numerous activities I will be able to enjoy again. I'm anxious to start!
Life just may begin again for me!