Ron's POZ Blog

I am sure that I will seem very superficial and vain when you read this, but this is back 8 years ago – not the person I am now or deep-down.

This favored suit still hangs in the garment bag from Lord & Taylor in my storage shed – never worn because I got sick before I even had the chance to wear it to a business meeting or some fashion industry gala. It was an elegant double-breasted 2-piece suit and I picked the perfect tie to go with it (also never used).

I remember telling my sisters to bury me in it when the time comes. I was sure my end would have been sometime in March 2000. I liked that suit a lot.

But, I survived and fast-forward 8 years…

Recently, I purchased two new three feet rolling garment racks to replace the one big stationary six feet rack in my storage shed since I rotate my winter and summer clothes. I am sure these would make the entire process much easier and I am very excited to be able to wear 75% of my clothes again – mainly sport shirts and pullovers, some shoes, too. All thanks to my van and my freedom and the need to “dress up” a bit whenever I go on errands. So, I spent 2 days going through my clothes to divvy them up in categories (I am anal that way) and put them in my semblance of order. I was a very prolific clothes horse when it came to casual button-down shirts: Hilfiger, Nautica, Polo, Gap and Façonnable to wear out to the clubs with jeans.

One of my favorite nieces is getting married November 10, so I was motivated even more to look through my things and check the current styles and see if I can wear something.

I used the first rack for my suits, sport coats, pants and jeans. I had a lot of suits, dress pants and sport coats. I saved them all hoping that I would need them or, as in the case of the jeans and pants – maybe I’d fit in them again.

Well, my family doctor did tell me that I needed to lose another 15 to 17 pounds to be at my ideal weight – so, added incentive for me to try. I really would like to be able to wear my dressy clothes again. The pants and jeans were not made for sitting in a wheelchair and I very much doubt that I can wear a double-breasted suit sitting down.

But, I grew very melancholy that first day browsing through my clothes when I touched the various fabrics of each suit and sport coat as flashbacks washed over me. My pre-AIDS life came back with an emotional vengeance I really wasn’t prepared for. I stood up near my Jazzy (I am very capable of free-standing for brief periods of time), with the backs of my calves steadying me, and almost trancelike, I unzipped the garment bag and put on that black suit coat. Even after all this time, it still fit and it felt luxurious – like it belonged on me. I just had to sit down with my arms folded across my chest when I felt a little lightheaded because the emotions began welling up in me. So, there I was, rocking back and forth in my wheelchair, sobbing, in the middle of my shed in my black, double-breasted suit coat.

OK, OK, I may seem self-centered and very shallow because of these clothes, BUT, I needed to wear such things to make a statement to retail buyers, potential contacts and even competitors. Yup, such was my life nearly 8 years ago. In fact, eight years ago this month, I really started feeling the effects of my PML and STILL, I pooh-poohed it – that it would go away.

I miss my career and gay lifestyle from then, but then I realize, when I really thought about it – I wouldn’t want to be so pushy, flippant or caustic anymore. I am not a Manhattanite anymore and that is fine with me. I like my suburban, almost rural life in Northeast Pennsylvania now, but 7 years ago – I chomped at my bit at having to settle for home again. Pure Hell for anybody who left this area for big city life! But to be honest, I still yearn for the traveling all over the U.S. and spending additional time to sightsee and enjoy each city, but that’s all. I don’t want the hectic business life again – I like being able to breathe again.

The change for me is that now I am more empathetic and sympathetic with friends and family, but with a very low tolerance for bullshit and sheer stupidity in life choices. I find I am more vocal when someone gives me a bullshit answer or arrogantly remarks how their life choices are so much better than others when in reality, it isn’t better.

Breathing deep and smelling the fragrance of life as it should be really hit me, when I was playing Frisbee with the dogs. It is a seventy-five-degree, sunny day with a slight breeze here today. And – I can smell autumn and Halloween in the air – that musty, yet comforting aroma of leaves on the ground. I had to get in my mini-van and buy candy corn!

Oh, for the wedding - I decided to wear a brown and black hound’s tooth sport coat that I have always liked. I also decided to wear my black loafers along with a newly purchased pair of black dress pants with an elasticized waist band and a tan sculpted mock-turtle light-weight knit shirt to complete an elegant look.

I should look good for a guy in a wheelchair!