October 2008 Archives

Somebody recently asked me what I was looking for in a lover. “Wow!” I thought to myself. I never really considered forming a list whether in my mind or on paper, but it has made me think about it a lot the past few days. What DO I want in a lover?

Other than the obvious – he must be sexually compatible to me first of all.

Then temper that sexuality with romance, passion and desire. Monogamy is a must because I would only hope we complete each other and we would only need each other. I know that may sound so provincial to some, but all those damned romantic books and movies end with a “Happily ever after” and I want that too. I only imagine good things when the story ends. I don’t imagine an unfaithful spouse, arguing or a divorce. Let me live in my vision of unending love!

Sexy is watching my lover: play with dogs and animals, playing with kids, enjoying even the simplest glorious things life can offer. And, the hands-down sexiest thing he can do is while he’s offering me his hand as we try something new and say “C’mon, try it with me. I promise to watch you.” So, he must like animals and children and enjoy being outdoors.

Sex, passion and desire all tie into romance, I think. To me, romance is sexy and almost always can be found in the smallest things without any effort. I think having coffee while reading the paper and touching my lover is sexy AND romantic. A light kiss or a hug for no reason is romantic. Sitting with my lover – listening to music or watching a film or just quietly – is romantic.

He should be intelligent about life’s lessons so not necessarily only book smart spouting theories and statistics.

Is it unrealistic to hope to find a man with a heart and compassion about my situation and a sense of adventure to try things with me again or be a willing partner in various outings? I would enjoy being with a man who was not embarrassed by the wheelchair and would be excited to go to a concert, play or movie with me. I only imagine what fun it might be to go shopping even. I could make a list of things I would want to do with a lover from high school football games to bazaars to restaurants.

I guess that being kind and sweet is a given.

Charming them and becoming part of my family are big pluses too.

I have my schedule of exercises and therapies and would expect him to be an active guy. I would love to have him help me at home or even take me to the gym to enhance my home routines once in awhile.

I prefer a man with a spiritual side. That would make me more comfortable knowing that he believes in a higher plan by a higher being.

There are so many little things that a man could do that would make my heart go flip-flop and keep me in love. I can only hope that I can find a man who never tires of little things and that I can keep him happy and smiling.

Dad and his Sour Cream

My father is eighty-one years-old and enjoys when we go out to dinner because he likes my company too. I am a good sounding board for his complaints about his neighbors and all his projects he has yet to do or the household chores he needs to complete.

So, we go out for dinner at 3:30 p.m., 4:00 if he’s in no particular hurry.

We talk about the usual things like the weather, our cars, relatives, etc. But he always amazes me that two simple projects can take up his entire day. A trip to the pharmacy and a doctor appointment can fill his day. Most of us run by the pharmacy to/ from the doctor and still have a major portion of the day to accomplish other things. If he has three things to do in a day, he’s harried and out of breath from “all the running.” My dad LOVES to take his time which means he enjoys chatting with his pharmacist or the doctor or anyone who will listen for that matter.

I should mention also that our dinners take up to two hours sometimes because he is too busy talking rather than eating.

Dad likes sour cream which he had for a baked potato. It came in that little tub with the main meal. Dad immediately put two teaspoons on his potato but then ate two more heaping spoonfuls like ice cream. He ended up with a small dollop on his chin which I pointed out and he said, “I’ll get it eventually!” and kept eating. Then fifteen minutes later, I could see him digging the remaining sour cream out onto his potato. He complained, “They never give enough sour cream!” I just balked and smiled as I told him that he shouldn’t have been eating it like he had a bottomless container; then he would have had enough for the potato. I told him that next time we will just need to ask for another extra portion so then he should have plenty.

We had a nice dinner and I enjoyed talking to Dad and the chuckle he gave me.

It brings tears to my eyes though because my father has a weakening heart and his time is limited. He has had open-heart surgeries, catheters, nitroglycerine pills and sprays over the years and recently - a defibrillator and now patches.

I have a hard time when I look at my frail eighty-one year-old father when he’s short of breath or having a hard time standing up straight. I cringe when I look at his misshapen fingers wracked with gout or arthritis. I hate the fact that no doctors seem to know for sure what it is attacking his fingers or how to treat them. I have very little faith in these so-called experts because - look at my situation. No-one really knew how to treat PML back then in 1999. I surprised many doctors just by surviving and then the rest when I was determined to thrive.

I look at him and remember the vibrant strong man who would adeptly show us how to do various things and play with us when we were children. From Hide-and-Seek, swimming and even weeding the garden he moved gracefully doing all his fatherly responsibilities going from one to the other effortlessly. My father was always an active man. He enjoyed doing projects around the house like remodeling and tackling any fix-it task. He liked yard work and gardening and was very proud of each new venture and did not hesitate to show us children the benefits of hard, but worthwhile effort, and when we saw the end result; we beamed at our success.

My father taught me a lot. I never realized how important it all was until now.

Looking for Love

I did not want to spend the rest of my life without a partner; be it years or even shorter than I hope my future to be.

I was tired of living vicariously through friends spouting tales of their latest conquest or conquests. Then, my parents’ health became such a personal issue for me at the end of June which motivated me even further. I looked at them, then my siblings and realized I do not have a spouse or children even, when I enter my waning years. I am sure that that thought gave my quest to find a lover even more urgency. I also had even more pressure when I got my last T-cell count of 853 – I just may have a long life after all.

So, I began where I could, and being mostly homebound, the Internet became my primary choice of initial contact. I was very focused on finding a man who would be worthy – well, not an asshole at the least. I did not limit myself to just one option – I went to the mall, various stores and restaurants too and will embellish those later.

I went to two old stand-bys on the Internet first, one of which is dedicated to HIV positive people and the other, probably the largest and most diverse. Diverse, yeah, that’s the best word to describe it. It has guys and girls of every persuasion and mainly geared to the twenty and thirty year-olds and sex fiends. I find that I have very little patience for their naivety, inhumanity and downright stupidity of some; not all. But, it makes you wonder what ARE they thinking? I made a few acquaintances with men on both sites who I knew were positive and those that never committed themselves to an answer. That they would choose not to disclose their status is fine with me in their profile, but I would think they would, or hope they did, when talking on the telephone or having lunch.

I did find another site by chatting with a guy and found this one a bit easier to connect with men. It had members that seemed much more mature mentally and skewed to an older group of men – forty to seventy mainly – “daddies.” I am in heaven because I prefer men to act like men – that is MY preference. So don’t berate me for my choice of the “31 Flavors.” Everyone is entitled to their own.

I think I hit pay dirt with this new site even though some guys remain egotistic assholes when they are too old to play games anymore. The site itself is not an HIV positive service but the members seem to be a very good mixture of both and so far, all have been understanding with only supportive comments. I am surprised yet though by how many list, “Let’s discuss” under safe sex but never mention HIV in their profile, but YOU know, right?

Over the past few months, I had felt almost emotionally forced to find a connection and in a way, began feeling like a “cyber-slut” whenever my chats went to sex. I hate to sound so hypocritical – I am a sex maniac in a prude’s clothing. I am apt to keep their attention with promises of wild sex but whenever I stray to another subject or show that there just may be more to me – silence. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I want it all. I think I am done with the hour-long relationship!

To give you an even wider idea on the depth of the deception of this method, I did meet one guy at a restaurant with high hopes. He knew about the wheelchair and my status (I am always very frank in my profiles) and when we finally met in person we had a lot in common – joked and laughed. Plus he was a handsome forty-seven year-old guy with a career and he told me I was handsome. So, I was confident about this one. I should have been wary of him when after meeting he said to me about there’s more to me and that he liked me; his original thoughts about me were wrong. So, I guess that meant I was more than a sex thing which meant personal work. But the relationship or whatever you wish to call it, fizzled out more as I wished to talk of other things than sex. Sadly, I don’t think he was looking to date and I was not looking for no-stings sex.

So, I added to my profile, “Just because I say ‘hello’, does not mean an instant marriage proposal.”

Another very adorable guy in his mid-thirties (that age makes me wince to be honest unless they can back up their mental stability and maturity with the right words) said he is a very spiritual man and has adapted his homosexuality to his religion. He is also positive. OK, I was intrigued by his spirituality and his look. Yet again though, the connection seemed sex was an underlying issue and the conversations waned. I felt as if he wanted to be rescued.

Not all guys I have met initially online in the area have been without note or substance. I have had wonderful lunches and phone calls with guys accepting of the wheelchair and my HIV status and also the fact I want to take things slow. I can count them as friends for a good laugh or someone to vent to without feeling obligated. I think that’s the best word – obligated. In a way, I am more of a prude now, more afraid of the entire intimacy thing; so I keep my distance and remain cool. I have to wonder though, “Am I being too cool or too worrisome about my HIV?”

One case in point involves a very nice man who felt that waiting was too aggravating, more so than the HIV thing. We had been very open about the entire issue being that he was negative. Again, maybe too open because a few weeks into our “relationship” he felt the need to date another negative guy AND tell me about it! It was almost as if he was throwing down a gauntlet. I kept calm and asked him he had been safe. His answer was basically that they did not have to be since they were both negative. I reminded him that telling a lie is easy and retorted, “I can’t do this again.” He was confused by my stance, so I explained that God forbid, if he gave him some STD, it would wreck havoc on my system and I was not about to allow that to happen. To bring you to the finale of this condensed soap opera – we went our own separate ways.

I can go on and on about the men I have met online the past few months: some are down right stupid and nasty (and younger) for no other reason than self-loathing; others are nothing more than mindless sex machines unconcerned with consequences; and then there are those that give me hope by just talking and being a friend.

Oh, and in other venues while I am shopping or eating in a restaurant: the men are all smiles and flirtatious while I am at the table or behind a rack until they see me in a wheelchair. I can almost see the “pfffftttt” as they run for the nearest exit. And those that talk to me, more or less, feel I need them – like I am desperate or helpless and they are doing me a favor; which is worse, I do not know. Those scavengers that haunt the men’s rooms see me as helpless and are surprised when I give them a look of disdain and wheel away with my head held high. To me, they are the desperate ones!

I think I may have a little bit more to deal with when guys back away from the wheelchair like they have seen a skunk. And to have them almost trip over their feet like the hapless, stammering victim in a slasher film trying to get away when I add HIV to the combination.

I am thoroughly amazed when talking to friends or even the men online about the bars, clubs or chat rooms – it seems not too many men are concerned with getting an STD. Maybe I am being overly sensitive now as my intelligence is ruling my libido now because of the HIV. I am so concerned when I hear of so much apathy about STDs and HIV by the “younger” set. But even the “should-know-better” guys act un-phased by risky behavior and seem not to care.

Silly me, I read too many romance novels when I was younger and still gravitate to those stories and movies with implausible love affairs!

I am nearing fifty and I still dream.

I had my doctor appointment, October 1, 2008 and I received wonderful news today. My T-cells were 853 – up from 498 in June and I remain undetectable in my viral load. 853 is my all-time high since being diagnosed almost nine years ago. The only disappointing news was my cholesterol went up and I have been given until December 22 to try to adjust my diet and see how that works before reverting to medicines. One particularly funny thing is that both doctors are hell-bent on making sure I get my colonoscopy and have a prostate exam – I have to remind them smiling, “I won’t be fifty for another month, so relax!”

I have had a very aggravating time with my new Jazzy so I returned it August 6. It was making like a “chirping” sound whenever it went forward since the middle of June. I tried to have it fixed but the company did a 180 degree turn in a matter of two weeks and told me basically it was my imagination and that sound is normal. I beg to differ. I have had a Jazzy since 2002 and it never made such a sound, so I finally gave up arguing with them and went directly to the manufacturer who sided with the distributor by just reading their report. The manufacturer is only ten miles from my home and they never sent a technician to even look over the unit. Needless to say, I got totally frustrated and returned the unit. Even the guy that came for it was confused as to why the technician said the noise was normal. When I told him that the first technician wanted to change a motor – he agreed. The company promised to reimburse my insurances which they finally did September 15. I am so aggravated from the entire situation and on top of that – the reimbursement was made but it takes forty-five days for it to show up in the system. As of now, I am using my original Jazzy which was refurbished back in April and so far it is running fine – knock on wood. I have to hope it continues to work until then. I cannot believe the circles of deception I have been through lately by the old Jazzy company, the new one and even the manufacturer. And, to top this entire situation further is the un-concern of my insurance to help. I have explained over and over that needing a power chair is my quality of life issue – I use it every waking hour to do my daily tasks and not just because I am too lazy to walk while shopping like so many so-called “disabled” people. I am so frustrated so, enough for now.

I have been re-doing the book since I sent queries out in 2007. Some suggestions were made regarding the format and I decided to try them and finish that process by October 1 which I did the day before! I will start sending queries out after November 1 which is my personal deadline to finish going over the book making adjustments. I have given myself all of October to get it ready.

I am totally into watching, True Blood on HBO. It is a very sexy show about vampires. It’s a good mix of everything but it interested me enough to order the Anne Rice books through Amazon. They will be my next books to read aloud. I guess I never outgrew my curiosity of the forbidden love thanks to Dark Shadows – remember that show? I guess I never overcame my obsession of sexy and romantic ghosts and vampires.

Arlene bought a new car – a red Pontiac Solstice. It is a gorgeous looking car and it is hers alone now. She hasn’t had her own car in years so this is her “toy.” It is a very sporty convertible and it’s something she’s always wanted.

I have rearranged my bedroom. I got rid of a free-standing shelf unit and my big clothes hamper to get rid of some clutter and giving me more room to move some things around. I have put my walker at the side of my bed which will give me easier access to it. I want to start using it during the day for simple walks to the love seat to write, read or watch TV. I am hoping it helps even more with my balance and walking. I think the whole power chair issue has made me wish to not rely it for everything and also I am cutting back some things (mainly outdoor projects) to keep it in working order.

I think I’ve discovered a new ailment like tennis elbow. How about Frisbee arm?? LOL
I noticed my arm is aching more and more but only if and when I throw the Frisbee for Shadow. It isn’t bad and I don’t plan to stop playing with the dogs but I think it is an amusing thought..

Ever since I won at the Pennsylvania Lottery with a decent amount – only four figures but I’m happy, I keep playing hoping for a replay of my win. So far, a bunch of free tickets, $4.00, $10.00 and even $25.00 – I’ll take it all because every little bit helps and I never know!

Well, the next update won’t be until after the Holidays so I am sure there will be a lot to write about: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas and New Year. (I can’t believe the store have Christmas things out already!!)

Promise - more BLOGs to follow!!!!

Be well and hugs,

Ron