November 2008 Archives

November 7, 2008

This latest BLOG will be added to my reworked book as its ending.

It hit me like a ton of bricks this morning on November 6 just as I was slurping the last of my milk from my bowl of Cheerios ®, I’m turning FIFTY tomorrow! I almost choked on my mouthful of milk and then my eyes watered when so many memories hit simultaneously like cold water being thrown on me.

I never imagined that I’d see fifty back when I was in my deep and darkest depths of my PML/ AIDS/ HIV back in February 2000. Hell, I was surprised when I celebrated my forty-second birthday later that year.

I endured a difficult time over the past weekend thinking about my infamous anniversaries regarding HIV. On November 2, 1999, I was hospitalized and told I had full-blown AIDS and then on the third of November I might have PML. So, I think I was allowed feeling depressed and empty for those few days. And, like a trooper, I dusted myself off, wiped self-pity tears on my sleeve, took a deep breath and told myself to get over it. I have a future now and had nine more years of memories, both good and bad.

Honestly, I never expected to survive, never mind learn to overcome challenges and thrive. I was surprised even by my thought back when Sadie, my cocker spaniel, died on March 3, 2008 at fourteen years of age. I was sure she would have outlived me.

Sadie’s passing just really brought into focus all those that I had outlived over those nine years: Aunt Mary, my cousin Richard, a sister-in-law Leslie, a close family friend Ann, then her husband Jim, my step-mother Mary and other assorted family friends, young and old.

I hate when I think of the upcoming demise of my mother a father. It is a very real possibility now since June 2008 because my mom was diagnosed with inoperable kidney cancer and given one to five years. Then, my father has had maybe four episodes of congestive heart failure and the doctors say there is no more they can do. His lungs fill with fluid every few weeks it seems. He’s had angioplasty, catheters, open heart surgery over the last decade or so and now has a defibrillator. So, I get it. Wishing and praying; sometimes crying when I think about my impending loss.

The devastating thought that I will live a long life – alone. Well, lonely, because I have a big family. It isn’t the same for me when I look at my siblings with children or spouses and think how lucky they are that someone will be there when the do pass. Me? A sister, brother, niece or nephew just is not the same. I would hope I find my lover and we build OUR lives together. And when the time comes, we will have each other first and foremost.

On a better note, I am glad Obama won! Finally an intelligent, thoughtful and congenial man who has a chance to undo all the crap we had to endure the past eight years! It is a shame though that he has to fix this mess.

Well, I guess I will need to get a colonoscopy after tomorrow!