April 2009 Archives

Just when it was starting to look like Shawn's Tool Academy was an "old boy's club", along comes North Carolina congresswoman Virginia Foxx.  Here's what Crazy-Like-The-Foxx had to say about her vote against hate-crime legislation named after Matthew Sheppard:

"The Matthew Shepard bill is named after a very unfortunate incident that happened where a young man was killed," Foxx, a Banner Elk Republican, said. "But we know that that young man was killed in the commitment of a robbery. It wasn't because he was gay.  The bill was named for him ... but it's really a hoax that continues to be used as an excuse for passing these bills."

What's worse is that Matthew Shepard's mother was there to hear it.

A hoax?  

A hoax is how we allow people like this to get elected.  People who don't bother to get the facts, who are blinded by paranoia that they are being "swindled".

Virginia Foxx, you are a tool.  And you've broken the glass ceiling in the Tool Academy. This is also the first time a Tool Academy alum's stupid remarks have been caught on video, which may make Foxx a lock for Tool of the Year honors.

Positively Yours,

Shawn

An interview with Andy Deane, author of the horror book, The Sticks.

Shawn - Is there one movie in particular that inspired your decision to write the werewolf book, The Sticks?

Andy - If you dig deep enough into my past you'll find a kid with a blanket covering half his face watching The Howling on a small TV in the living room. There's a great scene where Eddie (the werewolf) says to Karen, "I'm gonna give you a piece of my mind." Scared the living hell out of me.  It's amazing to think that An American Werewolf in London came out that same year.

Maybe The Sticks will usher in another golden age for lycanthropes?  You're a Virginia-grown boy like me.  Have you ever mistaken a really hairy, shirtless hillbilly for a werewolf?

Yeah, and I thought the guy was gonna kill me after the doctor got the silver bullet out of his chest. That was an awful day.

If a werewolf ate someone with AIDS, would the werewolf survive the attack?

He would, but the rest of the night he'd be tossing and turning with indigestion and heartburn, followed by a lengthy struggle with the runs. Luckily, recent tests have shown that prednisone is very effective on monsters as well as humans.

How's the body count in The Sticks?

High, as it should be.
 
You can read more about Andy Deane's obsession with horror in his interview with Fangoria. On Monday night at 9:30 EST, he'll be on The Haunt for a live online chat.

 Andy Deane's debut book, The Sticks, is published by Delirium Books.  Click here to hunt down a copy for yourself.  Andy is the lead singer of Bella Morte, and is going on tour with the band starting on Wednesday.

Hear their music and check on tour dates. See him rock it in a music video.


Positively Yours,
Shawn

*WARNING- if poo blogs upset you, turn away now*
A week ago, I was in a bad way.  For some strange reason, my body had forgotten how to create a turd.  It really was a throwback to the old Viracept days a decade ago, when I first started on HIV meds.

By day three, I started to get worried, realizing that I would probably be risking dehydration if I didn't help my body along somehow.  A friend suggested cold pressed Aloe, Gwenn ran to Whole Foods and found some Orange Papaya flavored aloe.  I had one glass (two teaspoons mixed with a half glass of water, didn't taste like anything really) at 8 pm and another around midnight.

The next morning on Earth Day I made a turd.

It was an incredible turn around.  I have no idea what threw my body out of whack, but man, I was reminded about what a drag those early days on HIV meds were, when I had diarrhea for months.  So, if you are new to the idea of cold pressed aloe, but old to the dilemma of diarrhea, you may want to consider seeking this out and giving it a shot.

Positively Yours,
Shawn

I'm thinking that I need a counterbalance to Shawn's Tool Academy, where I've been nominating senators and popes for tool-ish behavior. Awards for excellence in hugging, anyone?

The first nominee(s) are from the Cable Show in DC. Here's Sean Strub speaking as the new CEO of Cable Positive. In the spirit of the moment, he gets a surprise hug from Rachel Maddow, who hosted the event.  These two are definitely frontrunners for the Hug of the Year.

 

Today, Depeche Mode's new album, Sounds of the Universe, comes out. As many know, they are my favorite band, and I got to meet them at 14 through the Make-A-Wish Foundation, the highlight of my existence until I got laid.

Today's date is a triumph for the band, but the date of April 21st conjures up bad memories in my own musicial career as Synthetic Division...

Eight years ago to the day, local, conquering legends, The Dave Matthews Band, were returning to town to play UVA's football's home, Scott Stadium.  I was starting to get some momentum as a one-piece synth act in Charlottesville, and figured it was time for a big move, something that would really get folks talking.  I booked a show at the Tokyo Rose's "The Dawning" Goth night, a 150-or-so person capacity room.

Then I made up these flyers, which were posted around town.   

This flyer was REALLY posted in Charlottesville, Virginia, likely to the horror of the public.

Things were looking good for the upset, but Matthews has people in town.  The word must have gotten back to them because at the last minute, Neil Young was brought in to open for DMB, outdrawing me by about 49,850 people.  Without Young tapping into my fanbase, who knows what would have happened on April 21, 2001?

Their spot secured, Dave Matthews and his band left town victorious.  All I was left with was a Purple Heart Award in the C'ville Weekly's post-Dave show coverage.  I wanted the cover and one word: TRIUMPH. 

This past weekend, DMB returned to play two shows, picking at the unhealed, bloody scab of a hemophiliac trying to clot.  Trying to forget what could have been.   As I look back at that ill-fated Battle of the Bands, my old buddies in the Mode are here once again, just like they were in those early teen years when I discovered them. 

Positively Yours,
Shawn

Last week I launched a humble little program called "Decker's Daily Coffee", offering people a chance to buy me a latte. I was fully prepared to lash out and accuse everyone of discrimination for not supporting me because I have AIDS. (And not for being a shameless mooch.)

Well, to my surprise, I got donations!  

One was even a week-long sponsorship from Scott Kramer and Rex in New York City.  They'll be walking in this year's AIDS Walk NY on the Invincible- Team Pat Benetar squad.  Here's a pic of the latte lovin' duo with Pat Benatar, the inspiration behind their team of AIDSWalkers, who have raised over $40,000 since 2000.


Love is a battlefield- and an AIDSWalk!  (Scott, Pat and Rex)

You can also support Poz Magazine's AIDS Walk NY team by attending their annual fundraiser, Love Out Loud, on Wednesday, May 13.  The AIDS Walk is on Sunday, May 17.

----------------------------------

Last year, Team Supersnack, the group that Gwenn and I walk with, "defeated" Kenneth Cole by outraising his team, the culmination of a long, drawn-out fake feud that I started on my blog.  As it turns out, this year I will not be walking in the AIDS Walk NY.  Is it because I will be focusing full-time on iced mocha drinking?

No!

Team Supersnack is turning their attention to DC's AIDS Walk in October.  Recent statistics have suggested that 3% of the district's residents are living with HIV.  Unbelievable.  So, before I strap on my favorite walking sneakers to kick AIDS ass in DC, I want to tip my hat to Scott, Rex, Poz and the thousands of people who will be walking the walk next month.

Even Kenneth.  (Okay, so he doesn't actually walk, but he donates lots of money to the cause... how about a latte, Kenny?)

Positively Yours,
Shawn

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Today is World Hemophilia Day!  If you'd like to observe the 20th anniversary of World Hemophilia Day here's what you can do this weekend.


- Hug a Thinblood:  Not too tightly, but not too soft, either.  Cyberhugs are good, too.

- Donate Blood: People with bleeding disorders rely on blood products.  It's safe and easy to donate!

- Punch Yourself In Nose:  PLEASE NOTE... This is only for Thickbloods.  Pretend the bleeding won't stop for a while, and empathize with Thinbloods.  (Please Don't, actually.)

World Hemophilia Day really snuck up on me this year.  I've slept half the day away, and now I gotta go play catch up.  My advice to fellow Thinbloods- take full advantage of today!  If there is someone you are pining for, they have to go out on a date with you.  Especially if you show up in the suit pictured with a dozen roses... be creative in how you exploit this! 

And no, Decker's Daily wasn't launched on Monday to rack up sponsors today.  Though I was shocked to have gotten 8 days of coffee- more on that later... for now, I gotta get out of the house, grab a cup of joe, and scream to the world: "I am Thinblood, hear me roar!"

Positively Yours,
Shawn

Apparently there was a lot of muffled laughter about The Swatchmen, a superhero group I will lead into battle the day after I am cured of hemophilia.  (Read the original blog here.)

Well, the Swatchmen Facebook group is bursting at the seams with 48 members, one of which already has their alter ego ready to go- The Confusinator!   I imagine we'll break the 100 mark by the time that cure rolls in.

You may want to join us.  I have a lot of pent up thickblood envy that I am planning on unleashing once I am cured.  So join or, as the Confusinator would put it, "Consequence the suffers!"

In all seriousness, who knows when a cure for hemophilia will happen?  The science will take time, I'm sure.  I joke about being cured, but I have mild hemophilia, and stay away from the temptation of joining the local rugby league, so the impact of the disease on my adult life is minimal. 

Still, the enormity of the advances made from just before I was born to the potential of what awaits in my lifetime is a pretty wide swing.  From people being able to manage bleeding episodes by infusing concentrated blood plasma, in effect going from a "victim of disease" to a superhero (The Infusinator, anyone?), to the horrific consequences of HIV infection... to being cured.

That's a lot of science, human error and human triumph in the story of those who have lived with hemophilia or "thinbloods", as I affectionately refer to those with bleeding disorders.  (Shout out to my peeps with Von Willebrand!)  And I eagerly await the day when there is a cure, but I hope that lessons learned are never forgotten.

If they are, then maybe someone will have to answer to myself, The Confusinator, and lots of former Infusinators.

Positively Yours,
Shawn

HIV medications get a lot of credit for my current health, which is good.  They deserve it for pulling me out of the shit basket a decade ago, when I was really sick... but you know what really keeps me going now?

Iced mochas. 

Just about every day I find a way to get my thinblooded hands wrapped around a tall glass of godliness.   And, like the hand that clasps that iced sugar rush and brings it towards my trembling lips, I can't imagine my life without the drink.  They are so good.  I can't stand it.  But lately, in these harsh economic times, I've been thinking: "These are really starting to add up."

That's where you come in.

I've spoken and written about my personal life for so long, but I've always kept one thing private: the extent of my love for coffee drinks.  On Decker's Daily Coffee, I am going to post a picture every day that I make sweet love- er, drink- a coffee drink.
And not only am I inviting you into this world,  I am also offering you the distinct honor of treating me to a drink. 

Yes, it's that easy!  You can even pimp something if you'd like, just keep it down to a sentence and one link.  Who will see your name in the bright lights?  Me- and I'll be very thankful.  Want to remain anonymous?  That's cool too.  Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking. 

"But Shawn, would you buy me a coffee drink?" 

The answer is no. 

"Why?" 

Because... I have AIDS.  HIV meds are expensive. 

"What?!"

Are you not sponsoring me because I have AIDS?

"I have AIDS too!"   

Oh.

So maybe I don't know what you are thinking.  

And I'm sure there are many other variations of that conversation I could walk through.  Just know that I understand the ethical violations this solicitation presents.  I did a lot of soul searching before coming to the decision to launch Decker's Daily Coffee because, until recently, a Depression was just something I slept through in 5th grade history class.

But now it's real.  And I gotta hustle.  Because I gotta have my coffee. 

Positively Yours,
Shawn

I've gotten back into writing some music as of late, and here's something I did for the Subculture Shock compilation disc for the Spring fund drive. 

If you're not familiar, Subculture Shock is a radio show that plays underground alternative music, and they started playing my music back in 1999 after I moved to Charlottesville... I remember what a thrill it was to hear one of my songs on the radio.

Here's the song I gave them.  It's a remix of a Tori Amos song, "Raspberry Swirl", that Synthetic Division- my synthpop duo- first covered a couple of years ago.  (You can buy the cover on iTunes).  You can listen to the remix here. 

Enjoy!  And here's the original Tori song.  Which is about a lesbian love affair.  Being lipsynched by Divinette, the drag queen.

I Am Not Your Senorita,
Shawn

Check out Positoid.com to learn about the word, "positoid", and read some of the first columns I wrote for Poz magazine.

After the DC trip last week I judged a pageant, in which not one but two girls were crowned.  It was the last preliminary before Miss Virginia, and contestants had to have been a runner-up in a previous pageant to qualify. 

High stakes! 

As a thinblooded judge, the baton twirling during talent made me nervous.  But she nailed it, and ended up taking one of the crowns.  I asked another contestant with ties to Miami if she'd watched Pedro on MTV, since he's from there.  She had not.  "I highly recommend it!"  I said, knowing I'd have been remiss had I not ended Pedro Zamora Appreciation Week without plugging the movie one more time.

Having done my civic duty as a pageant judge, I kicked back on Sunday with my dad and buddy, Zach, and watched the ultimate in pageantry- Wrestlemania 25!   The first Wrestlemania I ever saw was the third, back in 1987 about a month or so before I tested positive.  Hulk Hogan slammed Andre the Giant, but Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat stole the show in his match with Randy "Macho Man" Savage.

Wrestlemania 3 is one of my last memories of life as a negatoid.  Even though- of course- I was positive at the time, and had encountered some health problems... but, when I was watching Wrestlemania 3, I was doing so through the eyes of someone who had little sense of their own mortality.  Basically, through the eyes of what I was- an 11 year old.

So, I guess this begs the question- why am I still watching wrestling now? 

Because it's awesome!  Especially Wrestlemania.  And especially watching it with my dad, who spends most of the time making fun of the commentators.  Wrestlemania 25 also showcased the comeback of "The Dragon", wrestling for the first time in about 15 years.  And he stole the show again!  And, I must say, watching Wrestlemania through the eyes of a positoid, who has lived for a long time with a healthy respect for his own mortality, is just as enjoyable as it was back in 1987.

If not more so. 

Positively Yours,
Shawn  

Back in November,  I wrote about how President Obama should appoint Poz founder, Sean Strub, as the new White House AIDS Czar because an intelligent and thoughtful positoid in that position would be incredible. 

Well, the administration didn't follow my advice, and Cable Positive has taken advantage and snatched up Sean Strub as their new CEO.  So what is Cable Positive? 

They are an organization that keeps HIV/AIDS awareness on the airwaves, and have been doing so since 1992 when many in the cable industry noticed the impact of what AIDS was doing to their colleagues and friends.  Realizing the potential they had to raise awareness via programming and PSAs, Cable Positive sprung into action.  Learn more at their website.

Reducing stigma for those already infected is also a goal for Cable Positive, which makes Sean a natural pick.  When I found out he was being unveiled in DC at the Cable Show '09 conference, I journeyed to the event.  Heavyhitters such as Larry Flynt strolled by in a gold-plated wheelchair and guys in Storm Trooper costumes told (commanded at gun point?) me to write about the new animated Star Wars show on my Facebook page.

Rumor had it that Batista from the WWE was there, too.

But the real heavyweight was Rachel Maddow, who was emcee'ing the Power Awards at the Cable Positive booth.  Here's a clip of Rachel at the conference, speaking about how HIV/AIDS has influenced her life, starting at the 3 minute mark.

 
Yes, I dig the glasses.  No, I didn't record this myself.

Gwenn and I have been fans of Rachel's ever since seeing her on Al Franken's Air America show years ago.  The big thrill, of course, was being there to support the guy who basically started my writing career by giving my Positoid column a greenlight back in 1997.  Meeting Rachel?  That was just an added opportunity to make an ass of myself by fawning over her...

So imagine my shock when- as Sean was introducing us- Rachel said she knew who I was?

"I've been reading about your love life for years!"

I wasn't prepared to be humble.  Not in any way.  And throwing the inner-switch from Fawning Jackass to Humble Writer/Educator was a seven notch swing, but I managed to perform the task with as much grace and poise as I could muster.

"Yer on TV!"  I shouted, all buck-toothed and pointing.  (Okay, that didn't happen, thankfully.)

 As mutual fawning ensued, Sean Strub proudly smiled on as I was once again reminded of just how small the HIV/AIDS universe is.  Not since I slept in Sean Sasser's pajamas had I been shown such an obvious example of that.  And Rachel's own involvement in raising awareness about HIV/AIDS isn't surprising- one of the reasons why I like her work so much is because she is very open-minded and compassionate. 

Just like the new CEO of Cable Positive.

Positively Yours,
Shawn

PS... hats off to Larry Flynt for stopping by the Cable Positive booth and shooting a PSA for HIV/AIDS awareness.  He's got a gold heart to match those gold wheels.  Once "Larry the Cable Positive Guy" is on YouTube, I'll post it on the blog.
 

I am so relieved- MTV's "Pedro" was a good movie.  I got teary-eyed, it hit all the right notes and it was interesting to see the details portrayed in Judd Winick's graphic novel, Pedro & Me, come to life in this film.

It didn't hurt matters that the screenplay was written by Dustin Lance Black, either.

One of my worries is that the film would gloss over the trouble that Pedro's partner, Sean Sasser, had in the final weeks and months of Pedro's life.  Zamora's family held Sasser at bay, telling him that Pedro no longer needed "a lover".  I remember reading this back in 1997, when Poz did a cover story on Sean.


It really broke my heart. 

Gay rights was a no-brainer, but the article really made me think about why gay marriage needed to be- and still needs to be- legalized as well.  I'd made so many friends in the HIV/AIDS community, and couldn't bear to think about any one of them not being to see the other if something happened.  So kudos to the team behind Pedro for including some of what Sean went through.  It was also fun to see a cameo by Judd and Pam, and their kid.

In the last blog I shared a run-in I had with Puck several years ago.  Here's a story about Sean Sasser... it's long, so maybe read a little on Friday, then Saturday and then finish on Sunday.

---------------------
 

When I went up to New York to be interviewed for Poz magazine- the first interview I ever did about being HIV positive- I was so nervous.  I thought about my positoid heroes, Ryan White and Pedro Zamora, took a deep breath, and just said.  "Be yourself."  In a strange way, that was comforting.  I knew my life was changing, and I felt like I had their blessing.

After the first visit to New York, I got a job offer to manage Poz's web site; they didn't know that I knew nothing about internet programming, but assumed I did because I had a web site.  I also got a job offer at Community Prescription Services, a mail order HIV meds pharmacy run by Stephen Gendin.

WIth Sean Strub and Stephen Gendin in 1997.

I lived in New York briefly and gave it a shot, but after a month I was exhausted and a bit embarrassed by my lack of skills in web-making.  On the CPS front, I was completely fearful of screwing up some positoid's drug order.  I was also lazy- I didn't want to memorize HIV meds combos and nicknames.  Also, I was still afraid of getting sick and having to someday be on them. 

Spending every afternoon at CPS was like a daily reminder of that fear. 

I was still thinking about quiting, but I didn't want to let Stephen or Sean Strub down.  Then one day, a positoid was roaming around the Poz office.  We started speaking, and went to grab lunch.  He'd gone to a Mennonite school in Virginia, and was eager to get started in New York City, but wasn't sure about job opportunities and thought Poz would be the only place that would hire him.

"I think I know about an opening somewhere else," I said.  He took my spot at CPS

When I told a co-worker at CPS that I was going back to Virginia, she must have been relieved.  The other staffers- all positoids, a requirement at CPS- must have been relieved.  They were carrying my weight for a while.  "What will you do?"  "I want to talk about HIV."  She wished me well, and said that it was obvious to her that this is what I should be doing.


I got home to Virginia, and immediately I came down with a nasty bronchial infection.  I spent a few months laying low, getting back into my blog and figuring out what the next thing to do was.  When I pitched a column to Poz, they decided to give me a shot, and soon after the magazine with my interview came out I was writing the Positoid column.

Several months later, I returned to New York- the Poz with my interview had come out, as well as my first couple of columns.  I popped into CPS to see my co-workers. "You're famous!"  I was happy my identity of "office slack off" had changed and I'd found my rhythm, much more a peace making positoids life than worrying about messing up their drugs.  Another thing I noticed was a picture in my old cubicle.

"Is that you with Sean Sasser?"  I asked the kind positoid who took my spot at CPS.  

He said yes. 

After I got home, I sent a gushing email to Sean and was overjoyed when he wrote back. He knew who I was from the column in Poz, and I immediately saw just how small the positoid universe was.  We met at a Poz Life Expo (pictured here) in New York City, then a year later I went to Los Angeles for another Expo. I'd never been to San Francisco before, and Sean was kind enough to invite there for a visit.

Sean gave me some advice on educating, and how important the prevention message is, that just telling an audience you're positive is not enough. Later that night, Sean was aghast that I had not brought pajamas, and couldn't believe I didn't own a pair. 

Years later, Gwenn would share his confusion on that particular void in my life. (I now have several pairs.) 

Sean lent me a pair of his, and that night I thought for a long time before going to sleep...  I couldn't believe how far I'd come.  That I was an active part of a community, raising awareness and spirits by being myself.  I wasn't the guy who ignored his status, only reminded when he watched The Real World.

Also, as I went to sleep that night I couldn't believe that I'd gotten into Sean Sasser's pajamas.

Watching Pedro brought back a lot of these memories, and how the Real World San Francisco played such a crucial role in planting a subconscious seed that started to change how I felt about my HIV status.  That shift in attitude is what led me to meet Gwenn, discover my love for writing as well as my passion to educate others about HIV.

So thank you, Pedro Zamora.  You are still with us in spirit.

Positively Yours,
Shawn

The general public seems none-too-impressed with this year's joke of screaming, "I'm cured!  I'm cured!"  Then saying. "No, I'm just kidding- I still have AIDS. April Fool's Day!"

Pedro Zamora Appreciation Week on this blog continues in anticipation of tonight's movie, Pedro, on MTV, tonight at 8 pm (EST). 

In terms of the Real World portion of Pedro's life, who can forget the huge rivalry with Puck, the snot-loving bike messenger?  The bickering and drama made for good TV.  So when I read an article that said there would be cameos on tonight's Pedro movie, as well as reinactments from the television show, I wondered: will we be seeing Steve-O as Puck?

I was 19 when The Real World San Francisco aired in 1994 and I have to admit: I liked Puck. 
I loved Pedro, for reasons I expounded upon in the last blog.  But Puck made me laugh with the ridiculous things he did and said.  Like the time he scooped a finger-full of peanut butter from Pedro's jar, just as he was making himself a sandwich.

Classic!

In a way, I appreciated the gesture.  Puck wasn't worried about getting AIDS from peanut butter.  It was probably my favorite light-hearted moment on the show, which happened before the feud got serious and Puck was kicked out of the house.  After Pedro's passing, during the Real World Reunion special, Judd grilled Puck about some horrible things he said about Pedro in the aftermath of his death. 

I wasn't so sure if I liked Puck anymore. 

In 2003, I came face-to-face with the king of the snot rockets.  I wasn't looking for a confrontation, just an answer.  "Hey, Puck- can I ask you a question?"  Sure man, he said.  "Has your opinion about Pedro changed in recent years?"

"He's dead."  Puck said.

I stayed calm after the jarring response.

I knew Pedro had passed, I said.  I explained why I was at the conference- as a positoid- and introduced him to Gwenn.  That we use humor in educating about HIV.  I told him their season of The Real World meant a lot to me, that Pedro was very inspiring to me as someone who never thought they'd talk about their HIV status. 

He let his guard down.  And told me that MTV had just done a Cribs episode on his pad.  "I have a memorial in my home for Pedro," he said.  "They didn't show that on TV."

Later that night, in the hotel bar, he stumbled up to Gwenn and I.  We were talking to someone, and Puck interrupted.  With eyes closed and lips puckered, perhaps he was expecting a kiss from Gwenn?  I leaned over, and planted one on him.  His eyes opened, and they were as wide as saucers.

"You have supple lips!"  He said, or something to that effect.

When Gwenn and I sat down, Puck joined us.  He had a Trojan sponsorship for his talks, and was starting his own speakers bureau.  He asked us if we'd join.  Then he accidentally spilled his beer everywhere before abruptly leaving.  

It was the last time I'd see Puck.

Did I get an answer?  I'm not sure.  Would I have rather had the opportunity to meet and plant a big ol' peck of gratitude on the kisser of Pedro?  For giving me someone to relate to and making the term "reality television" mean something that actually related to my own reality?

You betcha.
  
Positively Yours,
Shawn