Even though it's been two months since the walk, Team Supersnack had a very good week!

Positively Yours,

Shawn

Sean Strub, founder of Poz Magazine and overall badass, has written about the passing of Jesse Helms over at the Huffington Post. Check it out: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sean-strub/condomizing-jesse-helms-h_b_113329.html

Sean shares an incredible story about an early 1990's caper, involving himself, Peter Staley and a handful of renegade positoids placing an enormous condom over the home of Jesse Helms in Arlington, Virginia. A giant condom for a giant dick.

A "fitting" tribute.

Positively Yours,

Shawn

Today I am 33.

For quite a few years after my diagnosis, I could never have imagined reaching this number. However, a few years before my diagnosis, I was pissed off at my grandfather- who was watching me one day.

"I wish I was 33," I said.

"Why 33?" Granddad asked, puzzled.

"Because you'll be dead!"

I was showing off my new math skills at age 7 or 8, apparently. And he loved the story and my comedic timing so much he shared it with everyone at the family reunion that year.

Well, today I am indeed 33. And yes, the math held up and Granddad is dead. Or, better still, he has passed to spirit as I like to say. And, wherever he is, I hope he finds that moment as humorous as he did here in the physical realm.

What's funny is that 33 is pretty uneventful. I have to remind myself of past speculation on how many birthdays I was supposed to live to see, and even doing that doesn't get me too jazzed. And that's cool- that's how it's supposed to be. Plus, I can't say I've ever been honestly shocked to find myself marking another year in this fashion.

Being mellow about this birthday is settling in well with me. Maybe it's because I've had so many big birthday parties, I've had my cake and eaten it too. I've even been known to eat the cake and a dallop of ice cream for good measure. And after my pet virus hopped aboard shortly before I blew out 12 candles on a cake, the birthday bashes for me got bigger- more friends were invited to the pool parties at my grandparents' house. And I always jumped into their swimming pool without waiting for the appropriate time for the junkfood to settle.

Through good fortune, I never went belly-up or facedown in the waters. And, though patience comes easier these days, I never want to lose the youthful enthusiasm that shined through despite an uncertain future.

Yesterday, on my birthday's eve, I got see the folks responsible for my attitude and my existence. Mom called, her and Dad wanted to pop over and take Gwenn and I out for a surprise dinner. I accepted the offer, of course, and they gave me a card with some money in it, even though they'd already given me a birthday gift. (A weekend at the Hotel Roanoke for the Miss Virginia festivities.)

My Mom is big on gift-giving. "Here," she said, handing my a CVS bag. "These came with some Happy Meals." The plastic bag was chock-full of more plastic bags, each one containing a figurine from the Spiderwick movies.

There had to be meaning in this gift. I know Spiderwick is a fantastical tale of some sort, probably like Harry Potter. Maybe this is Mom's way of saying, "It's magical that you are still with us, Son"? Or perhaps the toys are a reminder that she- like me- sometimes forgets that I lived to blow out more than 12 candles?

Either way, I'm glad I'm here, still figuring out the riddle that is my parents, while being old and wise enough to not use my math skills to inflict emotional trauma on my loved ones.

Positively Yours,

Shawn

PS... here's the Smashing Pumpkins, and their song "Thirty-Three". I'm posting this because I bet Billy Corgan was a dickhead when he was 7 or 8, too. And I love the song and the fresh, new age of the same title.

I was back in full force at Cold's Gym, earning my iced mochas, the policy I'd set forth to get me to the gym... and the policy worked: I went three days in a row.

It wasn't like I was trying to benchpress 350-lbs, or keep up with a Jazzercise class. I was on the lazy-man exercise bike. The ones with back support, no less. And I was taking the rides slower than Foghat. So when I noticed pain in chest- disconcertingly close to my heart- I was puzzled. I thought, "For fuck's sake, if I'm having a heart attack at 32, God, just take me now."

I went the third day despite the slight pain, because I really wanted an iced mocha.

The workout was fine, but that night in bed the pain was worse than it had been before. The next day, I didn't go to the gym and revised my policy to include an iced mocha credit for three consecutive days and a leniency where heart attack scares and other injuries are concerned.

Even when it became apparent that the injury was a pulled muscle in my back, I was still baffled, because the exercise bike had back support, making the pain there seem less sensical than the chest pain... I just wanted to ride my bike...

After two days of recovery, I remembered an incident earlier in the week.

I was in the zone at the Putt Putt Course, trying to defeat my friend/tormentor, Ben, when a bumble started taking swipes at me. The first time it buzzed by I let it slide. But by the fourth time or so shit got personal, plus the game with Ben was close- I was only two strokes down and in no mood for distractions.

"You want a piece of me? Come get some!"

Ben looked somewhat frightened at first, hearing my words and watching me swing my metal putter violently. I almost got 'em- the bee, that is. Finally, the thing flew away to safety and I thought nothing of it until I was retracing my steps.

I'm 32. I'll be 33 on Wednesday. I can now add to the long list of Life Accomplishments that I've injured myself by fighting a bumble bee.

Positively Yours,

Shawn

PS... found the video on YouTube looking for an official Queen video. Hope those guys got an A for that.

The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review

Hemo:  He has done it again: my generation's Alfred Hitchcock, Mr. M. Night Shaymalan, has delivered another masterpiece with The Happening.

Homo:  WHAT??? Are you losing your mind, Hemo?  Hitchcock would have never produced a turkey like this thing, which I only went because you said we should review it. What's worse is that I had heard it sucked, but my friend Ernie and I decided to go see it anyway because we were in the mood for a good/bad movie.

Hemo:  Don't be a hater- you're just mad because you didn't see the end coming.

Homo:  You mean I couldn't wait for the end to come.  And not just of the movie.  Everyone in the theatre, we were making a suicide pact.  This might be the worst movie I've seen in a decade.  And not "good" bad. 

Hemo: When did you lose your sense of humor?

Homo: Stop it.  It's tediously, boringly, amateurishly, laughingly, stultifyingly bad.  One of those that's more fun to talk about later than to have to sit through.

Hemo:  Worse than Indiana Jones?

Homo:  It was worse than a night of summer reality TV. 

Hemo:  Worse than Big Brother?

Homo:  Yes.  I was stunned, thinblood.

WARNING: PLOT SPOILERS

Hemo:  Stunned in shocked silence by the surprise twist ending?

Homo:  Surprise? You mean that ending I could see coming a mile away?  No, I was stunned because someone had the balls to charge money for this unintentional comedy.  The first laugh occurred when they were evacuating Manhattan because they think terrorists have attacked it with poison gas. 

Hemo:  There's nothing funny about terrorism, Steve.

Homo:  Or, apparently, scary.  Picture this, thinblood:  NEW YORK CITY IS BEING EVACUATED!  Are the people rushing?  Are they running?  Are they in a panic?  Nope.  They're all leisurely strolling through Grand Central Station, casually getting train tickets.

Hemo:  Maybe they all had bleeding disorders?  Toxic gas is nothing compared to a bad bleed, especially one that's easily avoided with a modicum of caution.

Homo:  Even if there was a Thinblood Convention in New York City, that doesn't mean the rest of the New Yorkers would be polite enough to not trample them.  Trust me- I lived there.  The calm demeanor of the public is tempered by Mark Wahlberg's wife, who is upset at him because he told their friend that she's been a bit distant. 

Hemo:  I thought that was a very moving scene.

Homo:  Are they putting heroin into your blood products these days?  The city is being attacked!  People are dying left and right.  But what she's really upset about is that their friend has been told that she's been a little bit disengaged? 

Hemo:  Welcome to my world, Homo.  That's how the ladies roll.  Remember, sexual preference is a choice, and it's not too late to switch teams.  (note: Shawn Decker knows sexual preference is not a choice, and has gone on record as saying such.)

Homo:  No thanks, Hemo.  But I am rethinking this Movie Reviewer business.

Hemo:  I hear ya, lately these bad movies are making AIDS seem like a cakewalk.  Wait, you look like you are about to rant... are you about to... 

Homo:  You'd think these folks were on an AIDS Walk, without the passion!  No, they're casually walking to the train, but global terrorism isn't enough drama for Marky's wife!  They could all be poisoned already, but she petulantly decides to sit in a different train car so she can cool down. 

Hemo:  But what about...

Homo:  Naturally, in this evacuation, there are lots of cars and seats to choose from.  She finds the seat and gets a phone call from a guy.  She picks up the phone and says -- I kid you not -- "Stop calling me!  It's like you've become a stalker!  All we did was eat some tiramisu!"

Ernie and I screamed out loud, laughing. At that point, we went all MST3000 on this thing, delivering new dialogue all the way through.  Luckily, there were only four other people in the place... Hemo, are you still here?

Hemo:  I'm back.  I just googled "Eating Tiramisu", just in case it's a new phrase for an old sex act: it's not.  :O(

Homo:  Sex couldn't even spice up this movie, which would have been the high point of the entire badly written script.  This movie ran out of ideas after five minutes.  See, trees and grass are really pissed off at humans, so they're spraying gas or pollen into the air which makes people commit suicide.  Once we learn this, the movie becomes a series of people killing themselves in every PG way possible.  Gun shots, jumping off buildings, stabbings, lying in front of a giant lawn mower, etc. And what do you do when you are being attacked by trees, thinblood?

Hemo:  Climb up a bear?

Homo:   Even better: THEY RUN INTO THE COUNTRYSIDE WHERE THERE'S NOTHING BUT TREES!  At one point Marky says, "Quick, get ahead of the wind!" How do you get ahead of the wind?

Hemo:  You've never had Thanksgiving with my family.  If you hear a certain sound, and you don't get ahead of the wind, you don't live to enjoy a second serving of mashed potatoes.

Homo:  In this movie, it was the Earth that was farting.  Or God. Or Muhammed. Whichever God had beans for dinner last dealt it. This whole thing was a bad imitation of a 60's rip-off of the Twilight Zone series.

Hemo: No, Steve, no. It was an homage!  One master paying tribute to another.

Homo: Shawn.  No.  And I'm scared sick that you are standing behind this movie. And what exactly did you like about this movie, anyway?

The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.

The Hemo2Homo Connection's creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that.  Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.

It's not that I'm attempting to get buff, I really just want to do something healthy for myself and increase my energy level, which has been quite low recently. Part of that is that I've been feeling somewhat out of sync lately. I noticed I was throwing the word "depressed" around a lot with friends.

Part of being in the dumps has to do with finishing my manuscript. For nine months, I had a purpose, and now that I've sent the book off to my agent I haven't quite figured out what to do with myself. Also, now that Gwenn and I are managing our own speaking schedule, I am wondering if the 1,000 schools we mailed postcards out to are going to make room for sexual health programming at their campuses.

I'm not good with feelings of doubt- is the book any good? Will Gwenn and I succeed with our speaking this Fall?

Somehow, in making a dramatic return to Cold's Gym, I'm stepping up and challenging myself. My motivation to use the membership to its fullest is simple: I can't have a coffee drink (iced mochas are my crack) if I don't go to the gym. And tonight I rode the exercise bike for an hour, zapping more calories than I'd ever zapped during previous gym visits.

Which proves those waning energy levels were really just in my head.

Positively Yours,
Shawn]]> http://blogs.poz.com/shawn/archives/2008/07/happenings.html http://blogs.poz.com/shawn/archives/2008/07/happenings.html Wed, 09 Jul 2008 03:08:43 -0500

Jesse Helms died on July 4th, and I only know of him through his anti-gay statements pertaining to people with AIDS.

His solution to the epidemic in the 1990's? It was simple: gay people should stop having sex. The AIDS crisis wasn't the first-time that Americans got to see the machinations of the forwarding-thinking mind protected within Mr. Helm's skullcap.

In 1950, while working on a political campaign, he helped to create an ad attacking a rival, which read: "White people, wake up before it is too late. Do you want Negroes working beside you, your wife and your daughters, in your mills and factories?"

Helms was rewarded with five terms in the U.S. Senate. Deemed to sharp a mind to keep to ourselves, he was also selected to chair the Foreign Relations Committee. Most importantly, however, was his 2002 visit from Bono, which occurred a year before Helms retired. On his political deathbed he admitted he had not done enough in the battle against AIDS.

It's always touching when an 80 year-old man admits the follies and youthful indescretions of his 60's.

The latter really irks me, because Jesse Helms probably got his copy of Achtung, Baby, signed before he died. I doubt I'll ever get the same.

One of my dearly departed positoid pals, Stephen Gendin, wrote an article voicing his own frustrations back in 1996, the year I posted my first blog entry and began my journey living with HIV publicly. Gendin was among the vast number of incredible positoids who took me under their wing. In fact, his Poz column, "Jesse Helms Must Die", was the first time I'd heard about Helms.

I know everyone who dies is angelic, but I'm saddened that Stephen wasn't around to point out that one of the gay community's most vocal opponents died on the 4th of July.

What a drama queen.

Positively Yours,

Shawn

This blog is dedicated to the memory of Stephen Gendin.

For most folks, the 4th of July is all about putting on your favorite pair of jean shorts, getting drunk, setting off fireworks and getting laid.

For me the 4th is all about the pranks. This time of year, fireworks are cheap and plentiful, and nothing spooks a person quite like a loud noise and a blaze of fire. The following educational video has made me rethink my plans for the day.

Positively Yours,

Shawn

PS... does anyone know how I can get that voice-over gig?

To compete in the Miss Virginia pageant, you have to win a local title first. The new Miss Virginia entered this year's competition as the reigning Miss Arlington.

Miss Arlington is run by a very cool group of folks, whom are affectionately dubbed "The Arlington Boys". I remember meeting "The Boys" in 1999, when I went to my first Miss Virginia to watch Gwenn compete. In 2006, they had their first girl win the big crown (referenced as "HugGate", jokingly, in previous post), but that was kind of expected since Adrianna Sgarlata was a huge frontrunner.

This year was different- if Miss Arlington was going to triumph, she was going to have to dig in her heels and take the crown. And that's what Tara did. And when the smoke settled, and there were two girls left standing, the Arlington Boys were a powder keg waiting to explode...

Check out the moment from their perspective, forward to :50.

Every year, Gwenn and I travel to Roanoke to witness the crowning of Commonwealth royalty at the Miss Virginia pageant.

Miss Virginia is part of the Miss America system. It's a scholarship program. Of course that much is true, but in reality it is a series of competitions (swimsuit, evening gown, interview and talent) to gauge the overall awesomeness of a gal.

We have a lot of friends who are involved in this world as well, and the last weekend of June in Roanoke is a family reunion of sorts- we all dork out, argue, and drink to these brave souls who put it all on the line for the crown.

This year, Miss Arlington, Tara Wheeler was crowned Miss Virginia. Here she is on Tuesday (photo by Julius Tolentino), wearing a vintage dress from 1950's that I bought for Gwenn... Tara is wearing Gwenn's dress because, in the world of pageants, the smart contestants beg, borrow, and steal so they can actually use the money they get from competing for their schooling.

Here are a few of my favorite moments from this year's pageant...

Party in the front, business in the back

Aside from wardrobe choices, production choices are also up for debate at Miss Virginia week. For instance, during evening gown competition, little "princesses" greet the contestants and hand them a rose. Sweet, right?

Well, at Miss Virginia 2006, there was great controversy when eventual winner Adrianna Sgarlata hugged her Tiny Miss as she took her rose. Gwenn and I reviewed this on TiVo in slow motion, and proof that Adriana initiated this cuddle is still inconclusive. Two years ago, contestants were forbidden to hug the girls. This year, it was a free-for-all, and the first contestant to issue a hug was eventual winner, Tara Wheeler.

Some girls had more than one Princess to contend with, and here, Miss Williamsburg Brittany Gordon, proves she is up to the task.

A lot of people think the life of a Miss Virginia is glamorous. The outgoing Miss Virginia, Hannah Keifer, can tell you otherwise. For if you win, people will undoubtedly force you to wear something that is beyond the realm of good taste. Like this dress, the impact of which was magnified by the singing of "God Bless the U.S.A.".

I'm still recovering from the excitement of Miss Virginia 2008. But if you want to read the insights of someone who actually competed this year, stop by Laura Pennington's blog. Give her a few days, though, because as of yet Laura hasn't posted anything about the pageant. My guess is that she too is still recovering from Miss Virginia week.

Positively Yours,

Shawn

I wake up, take a shower, and head out for a test, hoping against hope for a negative result. It's kind of like Charlie Brown trying to kick that football- it never quite goes my way. Still, somewhere in my mind I think that a year's worth of eating Cheetos will have finally chased HIV from my system.

Of course, I am kidding. But recent HIV testing news has not been a laughing matter, especially the NY Post article on a recent, isolated rash of false positive test results from Ora-Sure tests. (The mouth swabbing one.) My friend, Nick, works at the Virginia Department of Health, and he said they give pre-counselling about the potential for a false positive, which he says is extremely rare in their experiences.

And, as a safeguard, if someone tests positive with the swabbing, they get the more accurate blood test to verify the results.

If you live in Virginia, you can get a list of testing sites here. If you're not in Virginia, find a testing center near you by going here.

-------
In pop culture news, Hulk Hogan has been having a rough go lately- a divorce, his son's car accident. Did you hear the death threat phone call he received? There was speculation that it came from the family of the victim of the car wreck, but all I could think about was this YouTube video some guy made awhile back.

All I'm saying in regard to the death threat is this: "Don't rule out Sid Justice."

Check out Hogan's reference to HIV testing at the end of the YouTube clip. Classic stuff. Makes you wonder what the next episode would have been like had the guy (presuming he didn't) told the truth and said he'd never been tested.

Positively Yours,

Shawn

One of the perks of speaking out about HIV is that it's given me the opportunity to see most of the United States over the last ten years.

My friends in Bella Morte have said the same thing about being in their band. Fortunately for me, I don't have to ride in the van to see the country. I get to fly around, albeit in coach. Sure, talking about having AIDS means I don't get panties thrown at me or anything like that... or maybe there's no pantie-throwing because- when I speak- Gwenn is right there speaking beside me.

Either way, I'll take the plane over the smelly van any day.

Last Thursday, the boys in Bella Morte set off to conquer the country on a U.S./Canada tour, and I took this video with my camera:



The song playing in that video is "Party Time" by Bella Morte, a cover of the 45 Grave song, made famous for its inclusion in Return of the Living Dead. It's the same song I used in my pretzel video in the previous blog.

And no, I didn't steal those pretzels. And yes, I do regret it.

Since I'm in a full-disclosure frame of mind today, I have to make a confession. For months I wrote about AIDS Walking in New York, about beating Kenneth Cole and how he didn't even show up to face my challenge... well, one thing I didn't brag about is that I didn't exactly complete the AIDS Walk.

Halfway through the 6-mile walk, I hitched a cab. There, I wrote it.

Last year, I was limping around for days after finishing the Walk, and I promised Gwenn I wouldn't mess myself up again. I was doing fine until a mid-point stop, where our team lined up for the Porta-Potties. After sitting down for twenty minutes, my trick ankle was not having any more of the AIDS Walk.

"But people donated," I told Gwenn. "Not to torture you!" She countered. Still, I did swallow a little pride there.

So when I heard that a positoid was walking from Seattle to Washington D.C., leaving at the end of this month and arriving on December 1, World AIDS to raise funds and awareness about the epidemic, I had to find out more. Were there going to rollerblades involved? Or a Segway?

All was revealed when I caught up with Michael Moore-VonGaysen to ask him a few questions about his project, Positive Steps.

How long have you been HIV positive?

Michael: Well Shawn, the fateful date would be Jan 27, 2006. That is the date that my little pet entered into my life.

What inspired you and your partner, Mark, to walk across the country?

Well, one night during a chill Spokane winter, we were out on the porch smoking a cigarette, chit chatting about the current stigma facing those living with HIV/AIDS. I shared with Mark my mother's first reaction when i told her. She asked: " Does this mean we can't drink out of the same glasses as of you?"

This memory is truly the initial inspiration. Thinking that a lot of America is isolated from the true impact of this pandemic that faces our nation. And that ignorance breeds fear, and fear breeds prejudice. Most people feel that this disease is limited to metro areas and and high risk groups, but the face of HIV/AIDS has changed over the years, reaching into our heartland. We feel by walking through the heartland we will reach more people and make them to sit up and take notice.

I hope lots of folks greet you along the way. OK, I gotta know one thing: Do you have a foot masseur waiting for you in D.C. on World AIDS Day?

Unfourtunatly no masseur, but i hope a group of friends will be flying out to meet us at the White House and celebrate a job well done, raising us up and carrying us upon their shoulders.

Sounds like a good time!

I feel this will not be so much in celebration but because I don't know if either of us will be able to walk another step after 3,000 miles.

I couldn't walk six, so I hear ya, Michael. Thanks for taking this on, and best of luck to you guys on your journey.

Thank you. And you can keep up with our progress on our website, The Positive Steps.

--------------------------------

That guy rules. Oh, I met him cyberly, by the way, and you can too if you're on MySpace. Go here to add Michael as a Friend on MySpace.

I gotta say, I'm glad I met this positoid. I plan to vicariously complete my own AIDS Walk through his journey. Plus, he makes me realize what a bunch of wusses my negatoid friends in Bella Morte are for having to ride in a van to get across the country.

Positively Yours,

Shawn

Big, ballpark pretzels with grains of salt the size of Skittles. Yum, yum, yum.

Oprah, of course, gives away her Favorite Things. I would love to do the same for readers of this blog, but the truth of the matter is that I don't have much money and I'm kind of on a tight budget this summer.

Still, I'm convinced that you like those pretzels just as much as I do... I don't have the corporate connections that Oprah does, all I got is a savvy spirit and willingness to give. I know there's a way to get one of my favorite things into your hands without going broke. Hmmm....

Did Shawn steal the pretzels for you? Is he currently a free man? Find out by continuing to read this blog!

Finished, of course, is a relative term. If the publisher picks it up, it will go through editing, which is a process that can take time, but is one that I really don't mind at all. The feedback is good, and in the end I really want to produce something that connects with the reader. As a writer, I think proof-readers and editors are essential.

As of now, the new book hasn't even gone to the publisher, who will yay or nay the idea. With My Pet Virus, I'd written a good portion of the text before submitting to a publisher, but with fiction (the next book is a vampire story) you have to write the whole thing first, unless you are Stephen King.

For him, a text message to his publisher is probably enough to get the green light: "Got this idea about a haunted boat..." "GREAT! Let's do it."

In closing, I have never worked so hard on something in my life. My Pet Virus was written over the course of four years, with lots of breaks which gave clarity to some of the stories within. This time, I wrote and edited for nines months, non-stop. And I'm really happy with how the story turned out.

Of course, all updates about the journey to publication will be chronicled here. Hopefully that story, like My Pet Virus, has a happy ending.

Positively Yours,
Shawn

]]> http://blogs.poz.com/shawn/archives/2008/06/new_book_finish.html http://blogs.poz.com/shawn/archives/2008/06/new_book_finish.html Tue, 17 Jun 2008 18:50:57 -0500 The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review
Homo: I'm a bad gay. A horrible homo. I don't like shoes or shopping. I don't like gossip and I don't like hearing people talk about their feelings. And now that I've suffered through 2 1/2 hours of it, where can I go to get my masculinity back?

Hemo: I'm a bad straight- I love to gossip, and watched most of this HBO series with Gwenn and two of our best (good gay) friends. So of course I was there for the movie, it was somewhat of an event in our household.

I know, I'm a bad straight.

Homo: I wouldn't have even gone to see this thing if not for you. And you said you liked it?

Hemo: Yes, there was humor, and remember, I'd just had the Spielberg/Lucas shitbomb of Indiana dropped on me. Maybe I just got Sex more, since I knew the characters from the TV show.

Homo: You don't understand. I watched the series. I'm not THAT bad of a homo.

Hemo: My bad, Homo.

Homo: No probleemo, Hemo. But a bad movie is a bad movie. Christ. Purses. Labels. Shoes. Shopping. More shopping. More labels. More shoes. What the hell is it with women and shoes? Those horrors cost $500?? And $500 for a damn purse??

Hemo: You have to remember: most people aren't dumping all of their money into expensive HIV medications like we are.

Homo: Right. Which is why I'm kicking myself for dumping money into Indiana and Sex...

Hemo: Wait, what about that next-door neighbor of Samantha's? They showed that dude's ass like 50 times!

Homo: Okay, you got me. Being an Internet Icon, I'd heard all about Mr. Next Door Neighbor before stepping foot into the theatre. He's the real reason I went to see it, not because you wanted me to.

Hemo: They showed that dude's ass like 50 times. And I got nothing! I was forced to go online and look for photos of Kristen Davis giving some guy a....

Homo: Hold your horses, Hemo!

Hemo: And I'm not even sure it was her.

Homo: The straight women and gay men this movie was made for don't care about you and your needs, thinblood. This is about us. But they did show Samantha in that sushi scene. That was kind, you know, um, fleshy?

Hemo: Kim Cattrall to the rescue again!

Kim Cattrall, modelling the latest in Gigantic Condom Headwear

That woman deserves to make five times what Sarah Jessica gets. She should have held out for more money.

Homo: There, you got Samantha. The next-door neighbor, as hot as he was, was still a straight dude. Except for the two hot guys who kissed in the first scene, what is up with the homofaguals in this series? Why is it that the only two gay men in the cast have the worst clothing and are the most repulsive looking characters on the screen?

Hemo: At least the movie had gay guys in it. Hemophiliacs have been on the cutting edge of fashion for years, and how are we rewarded? By not having one thinblood in the movie. C'mon!

The last time a hemo figured into a movie plot was the vampire film, The Thirst. The vampires fed on the thinblood, then some dude starting punching them and they all bled to death.

Homo: Wait. Is that a real movie? The vampires drank the blood of hemophiliacs and then bled to death from cuts? Genius.

Hemo: It was one thinblooded girl, but yes, it's real. Netflix it. (Careful, there are two vampire movies called "The Thirst", the one with the hemophiliac character in it also stars Jeremy Sisto.)

So, let's cut to the chase: how do you rate Sex & The City?

Homo: Well, I'll tell you the truth. It wasn't entirely my cup of tea, and I thought the plot had holes big enough to hold Sarah Jessica Parker's wardrobe, but I have to admit it was fun seeing the four girls together again. They're like comic book heroes when they walk together. So, I'll give it a very mild One Vein Up But Only For People Who Like This Kind Of Movie.

Hemo: I'm with you- the characters are interesting enough, though someone with clotting deficiencies would have added a nice dynamic. Still, I give the movie One-and-a-Half Veins Up.

Homo: I do: I also give one Special Vein Up for the guy next door.

Hemo: Gee, let me guess where that vein is located.

The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.

The Hemo2Homo Connection's creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.