It’s been awhile since I have blogged. I apologize for that but I guess you could say I ran out of things to talk about. There’s only so much I can tell you about my life. And I think I have delivered more than an earful.

I had a recent visit with my ID doctor. He’s a bit pissed with me right now, even though he was trying to remain professional. I still felt the chill in the air. And to be honest, he has a right to be, I don’t make a very good patient. I also stopped taking my meds a few months ago. It’s not the first time either. So, I truly understand his frustration. I didn’t expect him to understand my reasons but it was something I felt I needed to do.

I had stopped taking my meds around the holidays. It is that time of year when I feel my lowest for a few reasons. The first being that I use to spend it with my father. The other really hating that my family is dysfunctional like it is and not being able to be close to any of them. Also, the reaction I had from the Sustiva in the Atripla. Which was a trip into the hospital. I also saw a therapist who told me I didn’t need to be on medication.

Here’s where the hard head part came in at and also I think a little bit of denial. One of my favorite quotes is, “I’m not a doctor but I play one in my own mind” Yeah, I know the real version is “but I play one on tv” but I like mine better. The lab results were in and they weren’t bad but it showed me what I needed to know. I thought if I got my cd 4 up high enough that my body would be able to maintain itself as it did for ten years without meds. WRONG!!! Yeah, I was hoping for a “Hail Mary” or some small miracle. But instead I got slapped with a cold dose of reality.

I am done playing with fate. I plan on getting back on my meds soon. There is just one more rough patch I need to get through. The anniversary of my father’s death which is in a few days. It’s never a good day for me. And I know there is a few people who don’t believe I will stick with it this time but I will. And when the holidays arrive, I will have to find another outlet to harbor my pain.