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For some reason Ive been disabled from posting a comment with my usual user name. Just wanted to say I really enjoy your blog. You're so inspiring, so vibrant. Dragonette
Hey Annette, aren't you the introspective one?! I too feel the need to believe in something greater than myself. I have dabbled in Buddhism a little over the last decade and you are more of one than you might think. Buddhism teaches you to think daily about death with as much vigor as you think about life, and for those of us positive folks or living with AIDS, we ride that rollercoaster every moment of our waking hours. Most of our families, and society, tend to teach us not to talk or think too much about death, might we jinks ourselves or our loved ones. But thoughts of loosing your life, or that of a complete stranger half way around the world, are not moments to try and chase bad feelings and thoughts from our minds, but special moments where the deepest compassion for self and others can be awakened in our hearts if we let it! As a PWA (person with aids), and I know this may sound strange, I see my disease as a gift. Being told time and again you have six months then a year, then three years, five, seven, ten - it's now been almost 25 years, I'm no stranger to this tug of war; keep fighting to live or tired of it all and ready to die! I guess what I'm trying to say is, you can't truly start living until you've made peace with dying. Once the fear of dying abates us our whole world view will change. Some people live a whole lifetime running from death. And I have to admit sometimes I've wished for it. But until an event happens to them selves or a loved one does it hit home that our lives, and everything around us, is not permanent! Our planet will some day be vaporized as our star (da, the sun), moves through its life cycle. Even NYC will be gone much sooner (thousands of years compared to billions for the sun), as the next ice age, and there have been thousands, scours Manhattan clean with a glacier! Without AIDS I feel I would never have done the soul searching and introspection that I feel has made me a better person. So the gift is, when you're told you don't have long to live you stop dead (no pun intended), in your tracks and look deep inside yourself to find what really matters: love, kindness, wisdom, and compassion. I’ve learned to welcome my thoughts of death to help keep me balanced as I ponder that greatest question of all, the meaning or life, and especially a life with AIDS! Now as far as taxes goes, you’re wrong........ Only we “little” people have that worry, the Robberbarons only have death. Ah, but in the end that will be the great equalizer! I don’t have any strong beliefs about the “afterlife” but sometimes hope there is one so they go to hell or come back as rats! PS: Great blog - keep um coming!
Stephen
Hey Annette, Thanks for your blog. I just want to share my own thoughts on all this. I was a Church of England boy at a Catholic school (how weird was that?), had a sheltered childhood, and of course as soon as I flew the nest just had to run wild. I ran around town with two of the best looking guys I have ever seen (movie star looks, all taken for granted), smoked way too much dope, and generally lived the life of riley. All of us caught HIV. Curiously, one of them got his face smashed in before he died, and the other has lipodystrophy so badly that he still looks horribly gaunt despite all the fillers pumped into his face. Maybe that was bad karma? Who knows? I now live a really quiet life and practise a form of Japanese spiritual healing called Reiki. This is one of the sweetest things I've ever found in life, and spend time each day in meditation. I have found this incredibly helpful and healing, and would recommend Reiki to anyone. Very best wishes, Stephen.
June 29, 2008