The POZ/DDF Ratio

I've had the same results on manhunt, but i know many lie. There have been some very rude comments on profiles like, "if you are hiv+ don't even think of emailing me, I will blow you off so fast your ehad will spin.

Right now sex and romance are the last things on my mind because i am on a fast downward spiral, facing loss of use of my legs and in excruciating pain 24x7

i never had any luck even on poz personals, have no living relatives or friends, right now death looks much more atrtactive to me than finding a bf

I find it hilarious that you can be offended by someone not wanting to have sex with you for the simple reason that you are Hiv positive.HELLO...you do have the most chronic,scary and incurable disease of our time. I don't think you should be discriminated against but to be surprised that some people would prefer to be at NO risk for catching hiv from you rather than limited is amazing to me. Grow up,you have a sexually transmitted,chronic and potentially fatal illness. It is ok for people to be afraid of having sex with you!

Ray - I agree that taking care of yourself is your first priority ... Bobby T. - As I said in my post, I have no problem with people who make decisions based on facts, but I do take issue when decisions are not based on facts but only fear.

Hello again,
As for Bobby T. how many guys do you think have HIV and don't say anything or say they don't have it when they do. Just because you ask do you think they are really gonna tell you the truth with that kind of attitude (and for your sake I hope they don't ), They would probably infect you on purpose. You know that is why there is safe sex, using condoms and being careful- what are you like every other guy that once they find out the partner is HIV+ even though they have been together for years leaves him for somebody else thinking that the new person is HIV-, I think you need to grow up and face reality, you cant be too careful cause it just might get you when you least expect it and only because " he looked healthy to me", sorry just posting my opinions here, and yes I am HIV+ for the last 13 years and still going strong. My brothers and sisters who are Positive keep the faith don't give up.
Raymond

I wish craiglist was hiv friendly, as I havent seen anyone on this site as far as M4F.

Bobby is an idiot. Or just very, very young. Either way, he's still an idiot.

It has been my experience that the overwhelming majority of HIV+ men will lie on websites about their status. The rational being that a one night stand is not entitled to know your medical history.

That is not just my experience, it's been my actually witnessed fact. I have observed (and taken to task) many of my HIV+ friends for this behavior. They reason that an HIV- guy doesn't have to disclose anything (like herpes, hepatatitis, pneumonia, tuberculosis, or even a common cold) that could potentially kill someone with HIV, so why should they? They are all adults and should be have accordingly. Failing to protect yourself is equivalent to ignorance of the law: it is no excuse, and it's still your fault.

I've been looking in Houston for F4M hookups, and after a couple months of keeping half an eye on new postings (and even making an ad or two myself) have yet to find anyone.
It's true that fear will prevent most people from even looking at a personal ad with POZ in the title, especially when there are SO MANY other ads that claim to be DDF. But at the same time, it's not an ungrounded fear. When given a choice between a percieved safe behavior and a behavior that might or might not be safe, I can't say I blame them for skipping over us.
But that's just my $.02.

Oriol

I was just giving you my perspective,my real and true perspective. I am sorry this virus got into your blood stream. Still,people are afraid of it,and they have that right to be. Do you deserve love,companionship and sex,heck yeah,everyone does.It also seems to me you have found it,according to your posts. Raymond, let me get this straight, you would want someone to purposely infect me??? Wow! (I am not sure,but do you think I am the one who needs to grow up?)No, I do believe that would be you my friend! Also last time I checked I was over 25,married and not sleeping with men,so Anthony, not everyone visiting this site is gay,and having one night stands after asking men if they are positive or not.Sounds like that would be your frame of mind...

Oriol:

Consider the DDF requirement a blessing. It's a quick way to screen out dumb people who you really shouldn't waste your time with (a few of whom seem to have posted here). If folks on Craigslist don't know how easy it is to avoid contracting HIV, they probably aren't worth your time.
Hank

Hey Oriol,

I've been scanning Craigslist here in Chicago of late and just recently came to exactly the same realization. I'm poz, and what struck me was the aggressive, almost mantra-like use of DDF, wielded as if it were a magic charm to keep the writer safe from "those people", as if it guaranteed the writer health and safety. It's also often stated as part of a demand: "DDF, you be too" with the implied follow-up of, "or else". Yeah, there's some sort of threat in the way it gets used that makes me really uncomfortable, and I guess that's the point: to make poz guys feel uncomfortable enough that they'll stay away. It's hard not to read it as a version of "You're dirty and scary", and it's only a step away from other things one reads there, like "Real men only" and one I saw, "No fags or fems." I get that some guys don't want to take the risk with a known poz, but the assumption that the DDF charm wards off that risk, that it will effectively intimidate me and other poz guys by letting us know in no uncertain terms that we are undesirable, really gets on my nerves.

I agree with Bobby here, in the context of dating/hooking up, it's a waste of time complaining about people's fear of HIV. For any single example a poz person can give where arguing about their status paid off, i'd expect several dozen examples where such argument was a waste, based on my experience.

i enjoy my manhunt account, but the very title of my ad is "Hi, my name is Tony, I'm HIV-POSITIVE and i'll F___ your brains out!!". my ad goes on to mention my status several times more.

i understand most pozzers don't want to be so loud about their status, as some of the worst non-violent anti-HIV bigotry can be found in the gay community...however, i've found that being so upfront has relieved me of a tremendous amount of work and hassle. I have a pretty good idea about someone's attitude in their first email now, and the rare idiots who approach me without having read a word of my ad get filtered out quickly.

disclosure or non-disclosure don't happen in a vacuum, so Bobby and Raymond are both right. Bobby, Raymond is right that blind fear of HIV makes disclosure harder for Pozzers, and hopefully Raymond is exaggerating about Pozzers who'd willfully infect you...perhaps not.

Raymond (and most reading this), BObby is right as well. people have every right to their reactions, including fear and rejection...not only is arguing against that ineffective (the largely hiv-phobic gay community has been pretty much saturated with hiv-info already), but such argument leads to a feedback loop of legal harassment of people who are hiv-poz.

i also find fellow possers playing games about their status, and employing rationalizations that are no less criminal for being so heartfelt. I try to tell them how wrong they are...sooner or later, one will get prosecuted for failing to disclose, and blogs like this will be uselessly up in arms. NYC could easily become CHicago, where (from what i read) prosecutors reserve the right to file charges against any pozzer having any sex at all.

i never want to be the too-easily courageous activist whose advice gets someone else killed or hurt (the way so many gay teens of the 70's and 80's foolishly accepted the coming-out advice of distant activists, and got bashed/became homeless as a result), but i have found full disclosure to be enormously relieving of stress.

when u own all aspects of yourself publicly and privately, u free up alot of energy...anyone who wants to use your disclosure against you quickly discovers that you have ALOT of extra mental firepower.

I been trying out several site every since I become single. It ALL over the place, Manhunt, Craiglist, even HIVplusmen (which give you the option of "I don't know"??)

It ranges from "murderer", guys bare-backing to infect other, to the bi and gay crowed being lackadaisical about safe sex. Simply looks at the statistics.

Dave

A sad but true state of being. I guess living with this virus we forget how scared most are of this disease. Most people's minds are still back in the plague years of the 80's and early nineties and do not actively follow advancements in HIV treatment or research. Why should they have to - like us before conversion, we were immune because we were.... insert any excuse...... That's how we got HIV. Im speakig as a 21 year positive. I was infected at age 22. You forget we dropped off the radar once HAART became available - media had no shocking news stories to report in regards to a terrible plaque where death was evidence of morality. HIV dropped from the minds of most and people began f&^%ing again regardless. Today research shows most HIV transmission and other STD's comes from internet sex and usually from known pocket groups formed over internet (well it does here in Australia) not sure of US statistics. I'm not judging the use of internet however I will say what do you expect from an electronic medium that advertises mostly for sex. Most people will write what they would not dare say to a person face to face. I tried this out once as a personal test. I spoke internet "lingo" face to face with a mate of mine at a pub. The reaction was nothing less than shocked onlookers. I felt good that gay men still have social respect for each other. I guess with the internet chat sites removing things like personal vibes and other things that make humans be human, people become more blatant in mannerisms..... kind of marketing themself as quality produce. I guess when people are shopping for what they want, being non HIV is one requirement for some. For me, I would only date another POZ guy and that is final in my mind. If I started dating a neg guy I would say it could not go further. As for casual sex, when opportunity knocks, I may or may not tell my status yet I always take responsibilty for safe sex. As for laws stating disclosure, no government is dictating my sex life to me in regards to who I tell and who I don't. It would be presumptive of anyone (especially government backed by extreme church politics) to assume what you do with another guy is unsafe - for all they know, you may be rubbing socks together. Besides if they really had their way, we would not be able to have sex at all or even exist in public - never forget that reality. Just don't get beat up over what an internet chat site dictates. So what if the guy advertises he is drug and disease free - he probably bleaches his CK's and white linen sheets to an inch of their life. I don't judge serosorters as being bad. They are just people with a personality that makes them think that way. I saw people react in many ways to HIV. I saw vain people suicide rather than face the fear of illness or HIV stigma, I watched conservative people go into a shell never to break out or become vocal lively activists. I had guys I just met cry and hug me with honest compassion and I've had guys running out screaming (true). People will act on what makes them tick personally. Men will serosort as mental protection and some may well end up poz... it's not your fault nor should it be your responsibilty just because you are poz yourself. Anyhow I think most guys on chat sites are emotionally retarded in some way so why bother:)

BTW just took a look at Craigslist out of interest- ummmm - what revolting personalities. I guess for some guys you don't have sex with someones personality but man, those adds are a turn off in themself. Does sounding like a heartless bastard equate to butch or something. Nice pics of d***s and chests, couldnt tell a poz one from a neg one, gay or straight........... go figure!
PS. I saw plenty of "disease free - UB2 quotes"!

I want to tell you something you probably already know. Many of the HIV+ people who are aware of their status are afraid of reprisal from people they know or work with. I have had these excuses given to me many times. I feel for them but if you ask they will tell you the truth and give you a reason. I however do not hide my HIV from anyone first off because of the line of work i am in working on medical equipment. It is important for the people i work with to know the risk of being exposed and while i am undetectable by test???? I feel i could still place others at risk and have many times expressed fear for that purpose in the event of a cut or something of that nature. It happens often an injury and it is always at the front of my mind. I have been poz for 12 years and at full disclosure to my employer for the last eight and it did take a load of worry off my mind to know that they do not hold it against me but in fact have worked with me through several staph infections in which i was hospitalized. I have also, gone through a treatment of peg-intron where i was made ill from the treatments and the company i worked for allowed me to work from home somedays for a 6 month period where i was AFRAID TO LEAVE MY HOME BECAUSE OF THE SIDEEFFECTS OF THE MEDICATION THAT I WAS BEING TREATED WITH. While i cant say this would happen for everyone or that everyone has no reason to fear i can tell you that letting the people i care for and work with know the risk put my mind at ease and allowed me to better protect them from exposure and treat my illness in the manner in which i feel i need. My request is know there are people out there who do not know if they are and others who do not care. I have even had some want me to make them poz, when i was asked this i was in disbelief that someone would wish this on themselves. When i asked they said they didnt want to worry about it anymore. What you worry about changes but not the worrying. It is best you treat each case with the idea that they are for your protection as well as theirs. Be safe and take care. Look at it as if everyone is. look at it as if you are.

Be thankful to those people for being clear about what they are looking for. There are so many timewasters in those ads, just as well finding out early.

I don't have an issue with negative people looking for DDF shags though I am positive myself.

Personally I'd rather meet a good looking, healthy, fit, wealthy and hung guy (email me if that's you) to someone who has the potential to cost me money, make me unwell or make me miserable. Isn't that natural in everyone?

I never had any luck on craiglist or on poz personals. I have noticed that guys who say DDF on profile will try to setup a date with me because they didn't read my profile

Most men on there are just afraid and many have never been tested or have tested positive and keep it a secret. You are just being responsible...and you are educated...thats all it is. I am not offended, it can happen to anyone...even someone who plans on it NOT happening to. Isn't that all of us? Happy, healthy and single, and your brother, Brian

many men on craigslist lie about their hiv status. who wants to have sex with someone who is poz? most dont.

I definately want to have sex with a POZ guy :)

I had 2 profile on manhunt for 5 years deleted the second a few weeks ago, the primary one being a poz social profile, also o\ffering and ear and support to newly diagnosed. I used ot get tons of mail and IMs fomr guys who just leanred their status and many from alleged neg guys wishing me ewll. I also got dozens of mails from guys who stated neg but told in they were poz, and terrified if their friends found out they would be rejected.

I used to know a guy years ago who worked for manhunt who was poz, we had lunch tother a few times and i aked him what percent online he felt were poz, he said take all who check off poz and half of the ones who leave status blank or check ask me and you come up with over half the guys on the site. He felt is was not much differnt on aol, gay.com or other sites and said it seems the stigma is getting worse among gay men as time goes on.

The more generic profile got tons of mail, the ypical 24x7 horn dogs, of which iw as never one. I never had a 24x7 sex drive even in my 20's didn't fir the slut label. All I ever wanted snce i cam eout 37 years ago was to just find that one guy to settle down with but just about all i met had the so many men so little time mentality.

I find (at least in boston) that poz guys will avoid and reject other poz guys out of fear of guilt by assocation, or reject those who are not doing well medically.

i grew up in a hellfire and brimstone environment and since i am in excruciating pain 24x7 and rapidly losing the use of my legs the old dundie tape play lous in my head, that hic is god's justified wrath against the sin of homosexuality, and this is just the prelude to an eternity in hell, but for me every minute is an eternity and it is a hell.

HIV has taught me who my friends are, and i found out i never had any real friends so i have gone this route for over 23 years almost totally alone, the perfect pariah. HIV has shown me the treue side of human nature, hatred driven by fear, and we live in a society driven by perfection, beauty, youth, sexual prowess and success....HIV negates those false american values. Fear of disease is a powerful motivator, for rejection, for mandatory separation from the herd and at it's worst extermination of the afflcited to spare those unaffected.

I still get the bug chasing lunatics on the mh profile who i have sat down with and hopefully scared the bug chasing lunacy out of them, that hiv is no picnic the meds will make you terribly sick, you will live a life of social and physical pain. and is it worth it. and the bug chasers are not just kids but guys in their 30-50's.

Then there's the stereotypes that won't die, that if you are poz you must have been an iv drug user, slept with 1000's of people, etc. I never slept with an even tiny percent of that, never tried drugs and don't drink, but those stereotpe live in

I have heard groups of gay men talking saying things like i wish all these guys with aids would either die or go away, it's not our problem, they made tehir neds now let tehm pay the price. these sort of comments coming from guys who are into unsafe sex, group bb parties and drugs. are we a mirror of what they could become.

I've lived with this virus for over 23 years and at this point i almost envy those i knew who passed away 20 years ago.

Sorry for seeming so gloomy but i see the world through a mauch different lense

The phrase "DDF" does leave a nasty taste in my mouth. But, it is the person posting the ad and they have every right to post that if they want to. But posting "DDF" doesn't mean you're going to get someone who is. The person posting the ad is playing the HIV game and as always, the wheel of chance keeps spinning until one day they wake up and find it landed on them. Some it will, some it never will but you never know??????????????????????????????

I've been poz for 9 years and am 33 years old. It was really hard to go through my 20s dealing with all the discrimination - and I live in a big city! People are completely ignorant, but to be fair, our society doesn't do enough to educate both the gays and the straights. Sure, we all need to take responsibility for educating ourselves, but we are now in an era where barebacking runs rampant because people believe that HIV is now manageable and no longer a death sentence. "Take a pill and you'll be fine." I tell those people, "Yes, it's gotten better for HIV+ people to live longer, but it's very expensive, a big hassle for dating, and there are no guarantees." I mentor a newly-diagnosed 25yo guy through poz.com (do it, it's very satisfying) and it's interesting what kinds of messages he has received growing up in this "new era" of HIV - with meds, PIs and unprotected sex. It is both dangerous and scary how people think.

As an aside, for many years, I was discreet about my HIV status, revealing only to those who "needed to know" (in other words, close family/friends and anyone I was going to sleep with)... but because of all the ignorance I have faced, I have taken it upon myself to be very upfront in my profiles on Manhunt and such, explicitly choosing to say I'm HIV+ and putting a message in my profile. It weeds out the morons, empowers the poz ones, and actually brings in a number of open-minded, educated neg guys. It has been the best approach I've used thus far. Here's some of the text:

PLEASE READ THIS PROFILE BEFORE RESPONDING
[Physical stats here], very healthy, undetectable poz. I usually like guys around 25-45 who take care of themselves (physically/mentally). Looking for friends, dates, etc. Open to play on occasion. Timing is everything! If you are NOT poz or poz-friendly, MOVE ON please. Let's not waste our time. NEWS FLASH: According to Journal of Urban Health (Sep 08): 17% of HIV+ men and nearly 3/4 of MSMs who’ve never been tested for HIV say they are HIV- in their online profiles. Be smart and be open-minded--you've probably already f'd a poz guy!

I want to thank everyone who has contributed to this conversation! I'll certainly be exploring the "DDF" concept further in future posts.

Oriol, this is or has turned out to be a very contriversal issue. I myself, when using personals have mixed feelings. I tend to pass by the "DDF" ads and I have found that the ads with no answer to the HIV status have overwhelmy been a "positive". I sometimes respond to a "negative" but almost always in a non-aggressive tone, and always reveal my poz status. I have met some people this way that were infact poz while stating negative. I found that when I tell them I'm poz first it gives an (easy way out) to admit there true status.
I can't agree more with those who said it is all about the stigma. While I don't condone those who lie, I do understand there motives. Maybe I've been lucky but, I have yet to meet anyone who "wants" to transmit this to someone else. The fact remains that if they are not honest about it,at some point they will end up having high risk sex with someone who may or may not already be poz.
In closing I just believe we (the poz) have the obligation to inform our potential partners. That burden must lie on us! Now with that said, in a "perfect" world testing would be manditory for all people. I believe that alot of stigma and prejudice would be eliminated. If not for the fact that everyone would relive every risky event in their lives, and realise how volnerable they are. Also the world would find out how many people are truly infected! My doctor has told me that truth be known of the undiagnoised cases out there, the system would be "bankrupted" not only of funds but, medical staff to treat all the people. thank you

Finally a REAL issue! Did anyone read the article in this month's POz magazine titled "How to... Disclose in the Heat of the Moment"? I thought it was pretty ridiculous. Like I am going to tell the guy when my pants are off and we are ready to get busy. Anyone who has disclosed their status to a potential trick or date has seen the other guy's face fall. I was actually asked to leave a guy's house once after disclosing. I would have done the same before I was diagnosed.
If I were neg, I would not knowingly have sex with a poz guy. Yes, I would have had a lot of anonymous safer sex, but there is a difference between "Maybe he has it." and He HAS it!"

Having this STD we have sucks. It just does, and people who don't have it have NO responsibility to want to be with me. Are they out doing unsafe stuff? Probably. I hope they keep getting away with it and have long, HIV free lives.

Getting back to the Poz story, the article was written for fairly-land... bad choice of words. The article is absurdly unrealistic unless you are good looking enough to be one of the Poz-but-hot-enough-to-risk-it-with-crowd.

I once posted on Craiglslist and disclosed my status. The guy I hooked up with had sex with me, but then could not bring himself to really fall for me because I am HIV+. He and I could be partners but we settled for being best friends. :-)

Drug Disease Free... Just come out and say it, Bitches! - NO AIDS BOYS Allowed! No POZ Please! or I want to safely bareback, keep your AIDS virus in you! AIDS is a buzz kill! Poz Guys Don't Reply!

DDF is a misleading and false term. No one is 'disease-free'. If you've ever had chicken pox, mononucleosis, or cold sores, you're not 'disease-free'. The viruses that cause these infections remain in your body the rest of your life, and can reactivate and even be transmitted to others. I enjoy pointing this out to the most obnoxious users of the term DDF, and they seem incredulous. Also I ask them if they've been screened for colon cancer genes, diabetes, alzheimers, etc. Again they may not be as disease free as they think.

Also I've found that the guys who post DDF in their profiles are the least likely to play safe. You can't realistically say you're DDF if you spent the last weekend having unprotected sex with 5-20 guys you met off the internet or at the bathhouse.

I proudly post my + status in my profile on bear411, and I've made some great friends and even had a couple of dates. I've never had anyone make a negative comment about me posting my status, but if someone did, I'm confident enough in myself that I could blow it off and not let it affect me.

I logged in today because I had an e-mail stating I had a flirt in my inbox. And now having to again confront each and everyday stories about how difficult life has become just has my mood in a bad place. I understand why it is that people just want to look out for their best interest of health. I just get frustrated that it has stacked the deck against me. I have even tried to meet some poz guys. Fact of the matter is, sharing this virus doesnt at all make up for the fact that it is difficult period to find someone you click with. Narrow it down to gays as a small segment of the population, narrow it further to poz guys, and then narrow it down to all the other things that anyone would look for in a person, and it has seemed like such a stacked deck. I sit here at work now sort of depressed and wanting to go to a bar somewhere and just drink and drown. I let someone go 4 years ago...no...didnt let go...shoved him away, drove him away...and he didnt care one bit of my status. To anyone who may read this...look at the big picture. Don't take anyone for granted. Accept the gift. I hate to quaote Sarah Palin (LOL) but she said something the other day that has struck a chord with me. When you see an open door, even slightly cracked....plough through that door. I hope we can recognize opportunity, and love or the chance at it, when we see it. I do think we poz persons have a longer shot at love, even though we may want it more than other. Maybe it is cuz we learn through our struggles to not take it for granted. So many I have met in my life think love is a definate in life, that it will be found with 100% assurance. I appreciate the optimism, but the reality is that love is maybe the one thing we are not assured in life. Love is a blessing, and should be treated as such. I hope I find it someday again.

I live in Central NJ at the shore in a town that has a very large gay population. Vertually anyone there who is poz goes to the same doctor. I'm blown away when I see these same guys on Manhunt in particular with a status of "negative". I have even asked a few and the answer I get is always the same. Seems they feel that if the guy they are tricking with is willing to bareback, then it is likely they too are poz or they are at least taking some of the responsibility for possible infection. Sorry guys, it is all about disclosure. There is nothing wrong with playing safe, most especially when you are poz. In my case, it ends with me. I will never, ever, tell someone I'm negative and will never have unsafe(r) sex.

i know others have been able to find love on the internet, whether straight or gay, poz or negative. after several years experience with various dating sites i have personally met men face to face with intentions of hooking up or those having ulterior motives bordering on exploitation. i would much rather skip the games and attempt to connect the old-fashioned way. in many ways the internet only creates distance between people.

for the record, my ad announces my status in the beginning, middle and end. i do quite well. it wasn't always so...while exercise has given me a bit of muscle, what's really made me popular is my confidence.

i've experienced a wide variety of poz-related horrors online and in real life, and over the course of those encounters my anger transformed my disposition. having endured every hateful comment, from cruel to the sinister to the jaw-droppingly stupid, i ended up free of their sting. my disposition and my ad evolved to reflect that, and i put up some (fairly!) hot pix.

btw, i have encountered every variation of disclosure/non- i can imagine, from poz guys claiming to be neg to neg guys claiming to be poz...i no longer ask people their status. i simply tell everyone mine at the exact moment that sexual interest is made overt, and let people make their own choices.

a boorish macho straight friend taught me by abstracted example: he's one of those guys who yells at women from his car. constantly. it's horrifying when i'm in the car too, and as you'd expect most women feel the same. however, he has many girlfriends, always gets more and is a classic 'playa'.

numbers and "sales", people. the less time you waste on people who will really not give you a chance, the more time you have for people who will. the more desperate you are to be liked, the higher the stakes for the person who chooses to like you. desperation creates douche-chills.

effort creates success, success brings confidence, confidence make you more trustworthy, leading to more success, more confidence and, more than likely...romance. :)

I am always perplexed by the negative men's approach to "protecting" themselves from HIV. The very guys who request only DDF guys believe that this practice is keeping them safer than practicing safe sex with a POZ guy. They may even request BB sex in their ad.

The statistics I have found on the web show that 28% of guys who are POZ don't know it, 51% of POZ guys will not disclose status to a hook up, and 72% of guys who say they are neg have never been tested. I don't know that much about statistical method, but it sounds like alot of guys with very "questionable" status may be answering those ads claiming to be DDF.

Yet, as a POZ guy who discloses I often find myself the recipent of neg guys irrational fears and projections. If they have been less than safe in their previous NSA encounters and are denial about it, then I seem to become a lightning rod for their unacknowledged angst.

Sometimes I feel its very lop-sided. As a POZ guy, not only do I have to deal with my own fears and all the effort to take care of myself and stay healthy. Also, some how, we end up in charge of protecting the Neg guys from HIV. Usually we have to be the one to initiate a very uncomfortable conversation, place ourselves at a level of vunerability not required of the Neg guy, risk their rejection and possible violence, educate them about the real risks, and process their unacknowledge fears and projections.

It just does not seem realistic to me to assume its less risky to have unprotected NSA sex with a stranger who claims to be Neg than to have safe sex with a POZ guy who discloses and respects his partner's bounderies. Yet, most Neg guys make that choice.

That some POZ guys don't take the high road is no wonder to me. Its about time that Neg guys educate themselves about the real risks, deal with their own irrational fears instead of stigmatizing and scapegoating, and start taking responsiblity to practice safe sex. Each person must be in charge of protecting themselves based on their own choices and actions and not make it the responsiblity of the POZ guy. We've got enough to say grace over already.

I posted this somewhere else before I came across this discussion. I'm glad to see it addressed. After reading some of the comments I'll add that one of the biggest problems I have with the mentality of guys using 'DDF' in their profile is that so many are willing and ready to jump into bed with a stranger and bareback. It's become the norm, safe sex is like a thing of the past. Then when you're open about your status, you're treated as a threat. It's no wonder infection rates are going up.

"I'd like to see a larger conversation about this rhetoric. It's extremely insulting to come across these phrases 'disease and drug free' and 'clean'. It's not a rare thing, it has become the norm, the accepted internet slang. To imply that people are walking around with untreated syphilis or something is a joke. To equate HIV+ people with drug abuse is also a joke. It's clear what the meaning is, I'm HIV-, you be too. Nothing wrong with that. I prefer meeting HIV+ people and I'm clean and sober and I prefer the same.

HIV+ people are marginalized in the gay community like never before. I have the perspective of moving from San Francisco to the Midwest, the contrast is shocking and I will probably move on because of this one issue. I am not wanted as a sexually active member in my local gay community. Those of us who are open about our status receive blame and hostility because of so many people who are closeted about their status.

The younger generation seems to be walking around in denial, infection rates going up, barebacking like crazy. The more we are referred to as 'diseased' and 'unclean' the more HIV+ people will hide or lie about their status. It goes on where I live like a sickness, denial and lies, both sides share some guilt. I don't know what the solution is but this rhetoric goes on unquestioned for the most part and I'm tired of it, I am convinced that it contributes to a toxic environment in which infection rates are going up."