Michelle's POZ Blog

I am finally in New York. I have been here for three weeks now. I kinda feel like Eva or was it Zsa Zsa Gabor from Green Acres. Except I am from a small city and moved to an even bigger city.

 

I must admit that when I came here it was definitely a shock to my system. I had never seen so many people. And such diversity that it was mind blowing. There is always something to do here. Unlike back home where you pretty much had to entertain yourself. I immediately knew I was going to love this place.

 

There are some things that I don't like as well. The people here always seem to be in a hurry as if they're in a race to see who can get to the finish line first. And you will get pushed or shoved if you are in their way without even saying "Excuse Me".  Simply put, they're rude and lack manners. My bf included but I have been working on him. I am sure he reverts back to being just as rude when I am not around.

 

Before anyone leaves me rude comments, let me just say this is what I have come across so far. I am sure there are friendly, polite New Yorkers out there. I just haven't come across them yet. Despite their rudeness, I have learned that New Yorkers can also be quite entertaining especially on the subways. I have been seranaded a few times already.

 

But compared to where I use to live in Pennsylvania, New York is like being on another planet. Things are just so different here including the services HIV people can get. Back home it is so limited and only one place that helps positive people. But with their funding being cut, there is only so much that place can do. In New York, it's like places go out of their way to help.

 

In closing, I have definitely weighed the pros and the cons of living here in New York. Yeah, the people may be a little rude but I can adjust to that. All in all, I feel that I made the right decision in moving here. Not just because of my bf but because of the opportunities that are available to me here. I don't feel like I am just going through the motions anymore. I feel like I have been injected with life, if that makes sense. I guess what I am saying is that since being here, I feel more alive. No wonder people love this place. I have taken a small bite out of the Big Apple and I want more!

 

 

At the present moment, I am in New York visiting Papi. Once again soaking up all the diversity. And also trying to learn my way around. It's definitely going to take awhile. I have been here going on two weeks already. But I am also excited because in about three weeks I will be a resident of New York.

I really don't have a whole lot to do. I have a little bit of things left in the apartment.  I got rid of my couches about a month ago. And what I have left is going to the same person, my best friend. I basically have the essentials I need to get by, my bed, tv, deep freezer, microwave and the washer and dryer. I have a stove and fridge, of course but those belong to the landlord. Once I get those things out, I will shampoo the carpets. Walking out, closing the door with a smile on my face. And my head held high.

But to me, it also represents a chapter of my life closing. I am walking away from the negativity and bullshit that I put up with from my family. A change is taking place and a new door opening. A new life with a man that I love who is poz, has a good heart, who accepts me for me, no matter my mood and shows me he loves me.

 Oh, we have had our share of arguements or as I like to call them, heated debates. We're both hot tempered. When it gets heated, we know to put ourselves in time-out. And let cooler heads prevail. Despite our flaws and defects we love each other. Finally, I can say I am no longer content but truly am happy. Most of all, I am in love.

Due to extreme peer pressure, I was asked to write an entry about the new man in my life.Ok, well not extreme, I guess inquiring minds just want to know since the last entry. I have been dying to spill it anyway. For those who have been following my blog since the beginning, you know it was a long time coming. But I also hope it inspires those who think that you can't be loved because of this virus. I use to feel that way too. And that's when it happened.......

Goddess knows my track record with men has always sucked. I always ended up with the wrong ones. I never understood why for the longest time. I even remember that someone commented in a past blog entry that it was my fault. At the time that pissed me off but now that I think back on it, it kinda was. Why? Because I was allowing myself to settle for anything, trying to be happy but at the same time setting myself up for failure.

Like anyone else looking for love or some type of connection, I had a few profiles on different HIV sites.At first, I was happy to see an interest but that soon changed. It seemed like the only responses I would get would be from people living in Africa. Who for some strange reason thought I was made of money. They also had a sick family member who desperately needed some type of surgery. Or there were the ones who lived in the United States but that's about all the information that was provided.

 I can respect a person's privacy. But most profiles are not asking you to provide personal information.If you can't provide the basics, then you're not worth taking an interest in.Now imagine getting those type of responses for two years straight. I had pretty much given up hope of finding anyone.Checking the responses had now become like checking email. You don't even bother opening it, you just look at the heading of the email.

Just when I had given up, that's when I got a nibble. Someone who has actually filled out their profile. A person who has the same interests as myself. A person who is looking for the same things I am. And more importantly, he lived kinda close. And better yet, he had no problem sending an actual picture of himself.

The next step was communicating, which started out with Yahoo messenger but soon moved to phone calls. For hours, two or three times a day. The last always being before we went to bed The first being as soon as one of us woke up.Even if we knew the other was sleep, we would leave a message.This is usually what I like to call the courting ritual. The time where we both do our best to make a great first impression

After about four to six months, we were ready to meet each other. He invited me to come visit him. It had been awhile since I had a chance to get away.So, I went and after an eleven hour train ride, we finally met. Lo and behold, he actually looked like his picture.He is Puerto Rican, fourty-six years old and has the body of Adonis. Not that I am all into looks but the man gave me fever, ok...*lol* He's the yen to my yang.It's like our personalities compliment each other. I think I said that right. But more importantly he has a heart of gold. Everything about him is genuine, if that makes sense.

The visit ended up lasting a whole month. We definitely made a connection during that time. So much so that I am relocating to be with him. Not live with him, big difference because  I am still independent. And so is he. I could see us eventually living together. He has said the same but we are good with how the living arrangements are going to be.We even had a mini confession. We shared things from our past that we were not proud of and accepted that the past is the past. Together we are moving forward.

To those newly infected or those who are tired of being alone, don't lose hope. Don't give up on love.It will come when you least expect it and when you need it the most.

Howdy folks, it's been awhile. Well, not really, just a month. It's not like anyone has missed my quirky little blog entries anyway. One person did and I will be letting him know about this one later.

I am blogging to you all from the city that never sleeps. And I thought folks was bullshitting when they said that.They really weren't. I have been in New York for just about a month. I came to visit my boyfriend. Yes, people, Michelle finally got herself a man. Go tell it on the mountains!!!!

I found my Boricua Prince right on Poz Personals. I should say he found me because I had all but given up to be honest. A shameless plug for the personals I know but it's about time that something went right for me. We had been talking for a few months before I decided to take a chance and come to New York. And I have not regretted it since. 

Now New York is a total 360 compared to Erie. I noticed that as soon as I stepped off the train at Penn Station. People----everywhere as far as the eye can see. People of every color, I almost thought for a second that I was in a human version of a Crayola Crayon box. But I love the diversity of everything here.

My next experience was riding the subway. I was dreading it because I had heard the stories about rush hour on the subway. Unfortunately, I encountered it and never want to again. The plus side is sometimes you get entertainment while riding the train. Since being here I have been seranaded (sp?) by a Hispanic man, felt like I was in Jamaica while listen to three men play the congas, and listened to a woman sing "Respect" by Aretha Franklin. Damn, I almost felt like I was on American Idol. Wouldn't you know I didn't have my camera with me.

Not to mention that there is so much more to be gained here in New York. I can see myself doing so much better here. And there is so many places that will help put me on the right track. I have decided to move to New York. I will be a New York resident by the end of summer. Since being here, I have been getting my things in order for the move.

I guess what they say is true, it's about location, location, location.

 

 

Before I go into full swing with this entry of my blog, just let me wish all the tokers out there a happy 420. It's kind of a holiday for weed smokers such as myself. Just had to mention that right quick...*lol*.

I always start off saying that I haven't blogged in awhile. I think it has been two months since the last entry. I am glad to report that things are actually going well for me. I still sleep in a little but has also been busy. I actually enjoy being busy. And I have been getting out more. I have my friend Jeff to thank for that, he has been scooping me up and we have gone on road trips.One thing about my friend Jeff, he knows how to find some good restaurants. He knows this sista likes to eat!!!! The last one being in Amish country. I must say it was sort of a culture shock for me. I have never gone to a store where there is no electricity much less see an outhouse about thirty yards away from the store. This city girl never goes to the country. If I can figure out how to post some pics, I will. All in all, it was fun. I enjoyed myself.

Another thing I have been doing to occupy my time is DJing online. It's a first as far as doing it online but I started djing when I was nineteen. It's nothing I can't handle and I love doing it.You can tune into iglobalradio.com, Monday thru Thursday. I am on from midnight to two am eastern time. If you like old school r&b mixed with some current tunes, you should give me a listen. I do take requests too through email.

For those who follow my blog, you might want to sit down.I have finally found my Poz Prince. Yep, after a year or so of being hit up by scammers, I have found the man of my dreams.We have been talking now since December. I have planned a trip to see him the end of this month. I couldn't be happier. I guess the saying is true about when you least expect it. I am planning on moving to New York by the end of summer!!!!! So, definitely expect more to come. And just think I will be close to Peter Staley. Look out New York, here I come!!!!!

Wow, things have changed on the blogs I see. New faces and a new design, well, I did get the memo from Peter so it's not really that much of a shocker but nice. I had stopped blogging for a few because I actually ran out of things to talk about. Yeah, imagine that, I know.  I am back now and this may be the longest entry I have ever posted. I have a lot that I need to get off my chest. This entry is open for comment like always. So, just sit back and soak it all in if you can.

Since my last entry I have been doing a lot. I finally got the car up and running. I started back to trying to date again. I have even started exercising, working my way towards getting a membership somewhere. But I have to remember baby steps. I have even started back taking my meds. Now all these things sound wonderful I know but they each have caused me some type of setback.

Let's go in order and start with the car. The car was originally given to me on loan, it was meant for my godson when he graduates in June. When the car was given to me, it was not running at all. But as a graduation gift to my godson, I was going to get it fixed so he could have it when he graduates. Until then it would be in my possession to do as I please. Long story short, I put a lot of money into this car with the agreement from my best or I should say use to be best friend, that she would pay it back. And she did. But then my godson wanted to go take his test for the permit. I had no problem with that, I took him. But I knew what was coming next, he wanted to drive. I was in the car with him when he did but I knew I couldn't always be there. So, I told him in order to drive without me, he had to have a licensed driver.

Of course, I started getting the calls of wanting to use the car. I hardly ever said no unless there was something that I needed to do.Long story short once again, I let my godson use the car one night in November to go out with his friends. Later that same night, I get a call from the best friend saying that he got into an accident. Not with another car, thank the Goddess but with a curb. He hit it so hard that he basically tore the exhaust system off the car.Now mind you, I know it could've been worse. But I still couldn't help being a bit pissed off. I kept myself in check. I simply said that I would not be paying for the car to get fixed . I knew the car would not get fixed as quick as I could get it fixed. Waiting on it to get fixed or I should say just for what we thought was one part took three months. Yet, I did not complain because it was the beginning of winter and I don't like driving.

The thing about my best friend is that she's a cheapskate. There's no other way I can put it. I mean I like to save a few pennies when I can. Then there are times you just have to bite the bullet and make sacrifices. Especially when it comes to a car.  I was even honest with her and told her, with her income there was no way she could maintain a car. It went in one ear  and out the other. And here I thought I was the deaf one but I saw my words fall on deaf ears.

I even tried to let her do things her way. All she was willing to pay someone was eighty dollars to do the job. The kicker was that whoever it was couldn't even get paid at once. They had to accept the payment in installments. I thought she was crazy because there are not many people that would do the work for that amount. But to my surprise, she did find someone. But the person she found to do the job got into a car accident on his way to fix the car. Now I don't know if that was a case of karma or shit happens. But who does she call to play Captain Save A Ho? Yours, truly, of course.

At this point, I am clueless because I don't know anyone who is willing to do the job that cheap.But also frustrated because I knew in the pit of my stomach that I was going to end up having to pay. Just when I was ready to give up, a friend of mine came to my rescue. He knew someone who was willing to do the job even with the installment plan. He was aware of the situation with the car considering he was the one who helped me to get it legal and running. He even went beyond the call of duty and paid for the extra parts that was needed. Needless to say, I was overjoyed. I thought my best friend would be too.....WRONG!!!!

She had the nerve to be pissed off because the car needed the parts. But more pissed off that my friend bought the parts. Even though he was willing to work out a payment plan with her. We had a blowout on the phone, profanity flying every where. I was furious. I ran out of profanities and simply hung up on her. We have not spoken since. I believe it is going on a month now.

I just can't believe how ungrateful she is being. I refuse to budge or bend when we all were bending over backwards for her in the first place. Now it's either she pays for the parts or I keep the car. There is nothing she can do legally since everything is in my name anyway.

Dating? When the hell did dating become so damn hard? Is it because I am older or is it this computer age. You don't have to show face anymore. You can just email, IM, text or join MySpace.But then I stopped showing face as in club hopping and bars a long time ago. I decided to get with it and join some sites. I guess for kicks and giggles to see if I would get a few nibbles. Surprisingly, I did. From four guys----two from dating sites and two from MySpace.

As with dating, it always starts out good.You talk daily in the beginning maybe even meet. But eventually ends up going to hell in a handbasket. For privacy purposes I will just use the first initial of these men's names.

The first one was R. I met him on MySpace, he had sent me an email. I must admit, he was honest. He had a gf. So, of course I knew this was going no where but I still went on with it. In the beginning we were seeing each other everyday. That soon dwindled to twice a week, I wasn't complaining. Then things soon came to a screeching halt. No more IMs, no more visits, nothing, he could have at least sent me a "DEAR JANE" email. I was pissed. Yeah, a little bit at him for taking the bitch's way out, he could've been a man about it. But I am more mad at myself for being weak and putting myself in that situation.

Bachelor number two was O. I met him on a dating site. He responded to my ad. Same thing as before, IMing like crazy except this one went a step further. We exchanged phone numbers. He would call daily. And I would always say, I hate to see what his phone bill looked like. But once again it also went downhill though he lasted longer than R.

When the calls first started slacking, I thought maybe he was seeing someone else. But through an IM, I was told that I was not making enough of an effort. Ok, I can take criticism. I looked at it from his P.O.V.(point of view). He was right especially when it came to the phone calls. So, I decided to start calling him. Every effort made was met with his voicemail. And when I did luck up and reach him to talk about it. The excuse was he was busy. I considered that to be a polite blowoff. Maybe he was having a hard time ending it so I took the iniative and tried to end it. At that time, he wouldn't have it. But for some reason he has pulled a Houdini and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. And once again, no "DEAR JANE" letter.

Bachelor number three was D. I met him on Poz Personals. In my eyes, that put him at an advantage over the others. I didn't have to deal with disclosure. He was older than me. And I liked his realness, he didn't bite his tongue about anything. Just like the others, it started out with IMs. It moved on to exchanging numbers.  He even told his daughter about me. And I thought to myself, this man could actually be the one.

Karma has a funny sense of humor.Things were actually still going well with D until the day before St. Patrick's Day. He ended up going to jail for beating up his pregnant daughter's boyfriend for disrespecting him. The boyfriend pressed charges. The daughter is eight months pregnant and the boyfriend has no job. Nor does it seem like he has any intention of finding one. Of course, that didn't sit well with D, especially when he found out the boyfriend's real age.

Even with that bit of drama, I didn't think it would end the way it did. First, the cell phone got cut off. Next his email account and messenger was cancelled. Suffice it to say, I guess the laws where he is must be strict. And D is going to be away for awhile. The kicker to it all,we were making plans to see each other.

And all this happened within days of the other.I think I took D being out the picture harder than any of the other guys. And that is when my depression kicked in. I knew what it was as soon as I started noticing how late I was sleeping. Phase two, was the tears and non-stop crying. Next was my loss of appetite, nothing tasted right to me. And I am sure the Sustiva in my Atripla is playing it's part.

Now on to the fourth guy, I use to date him a long time ago, eight years to be exact. He found me on MySpace. It was his second time looking for me. And out of all of them, I have been talking to him the shortest time. But the feelings that I had for him have come back. He says he feels the same way too. With the disasters I have had with the other three, I am scared the same thing will happen with him. I mean he is younger than me but he has his head on straight. He is going to school, working and raising two sons. He just recently found his own place but can't move in until the beginning of next month. We're both excited. And he has already asked me to come visit him once he gets settled. At this point there is nothing negative I can say about him. But I am also thinking how the others started out great but went down the crapper. It's a bitch waiting on the other shoe to drop.

And though I am trying to keep hope alive, I can't help but feel doomed.......

It's been awhile since I have blogged. I apologize for that but I guess you could say I ran out of things to talk about. There's only so much I can tell you about my life. And I think I have delivered more than an earful.

I had a recent visit with my ID doctor. He's a bit pissed with me right now, even though he was trying to remain professional. I still felt the chill in the air. And to be honest, he has a right to be, I don't make a very good patient. I also stopped taking my meds a few months ago. It's not the first time either. So, I truly understand his frustration. I didn't expect him to understand my reasons but it was something I felt I needed to do.

I had stopped taking my meds around the holidays. It is that time of year when I feel my lowest for a few reasons. The first being that I use to spend it with my father. The other really hating that my family is dysfunctional like it is and not being able to be close to any of them. Also, the reaction I had from the Sustiva in the Atripla. Which was a trip into the hospital. I also saw a therapist who told me I didn't need to be on medication.

Here's where the hard head part came in at and also I think a little bit of denial. One of my favorite quotes is, "I'm not a doctor but I play one in my own mind" Yeah, I know the real version is "but I play one on tv" but I like mine better. The lab results were in and they weren't bad but it showed me what I needed to know. I thought if I got my cd 4 up high enough that my body would be able to maintain itself as it did for ten years without meds. WRONG!!! Yeah, I was hoping for a "Hail Mary" or some small miracle. But instead I got slapped with a cold dose of reality.

I am done playing with fate. I plan on getting back on my meds soon. There is just one more rough patch I need to get through. The anniversary of my father's death which is in a few days. It's never a good day for me. And I know there is a few people who don't believe I will stick with it this time but I will. And when the holidays arrive, I will have to find another outlet to harbor my pain.

I finally hit the big 4-0 on January 12th. I would have to say it was the best birthday I had in years. People who I hadn't expected to know when my birthday was actually rallied together to make it special for me. And those that did know my birthday like my sister, was there to welcome me into the 40's reminding me that I am no longer considered a spring chicken. But I still wasn't long in the tooth. I hate that saying just about as much as the term old head which is used in my hood. And who the hell made up such unflattering words?

I mean I do realize that I have gotten older and put on a few extra pounds. My body reminds me of that when I try to do something that I use to be able to do back in the day. Considering some of the wild things I have done in my earlier years, it is a blessing that I am still on this earth today, even with this virus. But why does reaching forty have to mean you are old? Maybe I just don't like the word old. Matured sounds much better to me. I have overcome many obstacles that life chose to throw at me. I bitched about them all but I also learned from every one. Those bad experiences along with the good ones has made me into the person that I am today.

Back in the day, being a D.J., I was the life of the party or the center of attention. Now that I have matured, I no longer want the attention or drama. What I have these days is a peace of mind. I prefer my comforts of home to the drama of the streets. Some think I have turned into some type of recluse. But I beg to differ, I just enjoy being at home. I socialize when the need arises instead of making it a part of my daily routine. So, to me, it is not about getting older but reaching a turning point in my life.

To ad-lib a quote from Celie in the movie, "The Color Purple", "I may be black, and I may even be ugly but Lord I am here, I'm still here."

Today I had to say goodbye to a friend, saying goodbye has never been easy for me. But when you have to say goodbye forever, it's even worse. Knowing you'll never see that person or make memories together again. And realizing all you have left are just that-----memories.

And for me it was also a first. The first time I ever went to a wake. The first time I ever really saw anyone dead. I have experienced death before, I have lost both my parents. But in their case, I never had to look at a body, it was ashes. When I glanced at my friend from afar, it didn't look like her at all to me. If her brother hadn't brought me to the wake, I would've sworn I came to the wrong place. But as I moved closer to her casket, the harsh realization hit me, it really was her. What was left of her, the kind, warm, loving friend that I grew to love was gone. Before I knew it, I was in tears.

As I sit here and write this, it's still hard for me to believe she is gone.

Rest In Peace Roxanne.....You will be greatly missed but I know you will be watching over us all.....I love you.

Catchy title isn't it? I don't know who came up with that phrase but it definitely fits the mood that I am in. So consider this blog entry to be more of a rant about feeling disrespected, unappreciated, and why kids are the way they are. I know it doesn't make sense now but hear me out, please.

The story begins with me giving my best friend a call early this morning. It's kind of a ritual we have since I am known to sleep late. I was returning her call that I missed because I was sleep. Though I am partially deaf, I could hear quite clearly that she was pissed off. And I was calling her to see if she knew that her son was sending out invites on MySpace for a New Years Eve party at her house. It seemed kind of strange to me that there would be one considering that she let him have a party right before Christmas. And after I informed her of this upcoming social event it through her right over the edge. The next thing I knew, I got hung up on and ten minutes later my doorbell was ringing. It was the bf.

She began to tell me how she laid into him about this so called social event she knew nothing about. Then she asked me to go to MySpace and show me where he had it at. I did as she asked but also noticed that her son, my godson had just written a bulletin which was directed at me for telling his mother about the party. I was now called a snitch for telling his mother about the party. But what puzzles me is how can I be a snitch when he had it posted on MySpace. Hell, with the first party he even had my bf's home number displayed for all the world to see.

Well, first things first, I had to listen to my best friend rant. And after she got it all out, I gave her my honest opinion. I held nothing back. I gave her a most colorful yet descriptive explanation of what her son, my godson was. But for the sake of sounding really ghetto, I will just say he is spoiled, lazy, disrespectful and unappreciative. And that she need to kick his ass to the curb. Excuse that slight outburst but I am still highly pissed off about the situation. But it gets better.

Next up, the godson and his never ending sentence that was suppose to be a response on MySpace for snitching on his party. I was told that I was a snitch. That I need to get a life instead of living check to check from disability, like I never worked a day in my life. When in reality, I have worked since I was seventeen years old. And only been on disability going on six years. Oh yeah, let's not forget being called a bitch and invited to suck on his dick. From that point on I was seeing red. I wrote him back and told him how I didn't appreciate the fact that he disrespected his mother the way he had. Also followed up with how he need to get off his lazy ass and go look for job instead of making excuses. Yeah, what he said pissed me off but what sent me over the edge was the blatant disrespect. Disrespect toward the only people that has ever done anything for him his whole life. It pisses me off and makes me sick to my stomach. The sad part is that my best friend is partially to blame for his attitude and society for the other.

I have noticed that these days, kids have no respect for those who are their elders. And for some reason has lost the urge to earn something. They expect everything to be handed to them like they deserve it. When they've done nothing to earn it. Now bad parenting may be part of the cause for this happening. But I feel society has it part to play in it as well. Society messed up when they picked up the "spare the rod spoil the child" mentality. I'm from the old school where you got spankings. Back then it wasn't considered child abuse but correcting your child. I'm not condoning beating your child like he or she was a runaway slave. A few swats on the behind would suffice. Nor am I saying that everyone's child is like my godson or the kids I am describing. I know there are people who have good kids that are doing the right thing. Believe me, the bad ass kids seems to have outnumbered the good kids. At least that's the way it is in my hood......