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Goodbye 2010, Enter 2011...

| 2 Comments

While most were out celebrating with family and friends, I was home alone celebrating in my own little way. I was being grateful. I had plenty of reason to be. When 2010 came in, I was living in a women's shelter and on the verge of having a major meltdown. But I can also say that I was blessed as well. In May of 2010 was when the blessings began with me finding my apartment. Another was when I was left money from my mother's will which made it possible for me to furnish my apartment. It's still uncanny to me how both those things happened around the same time. Even more grateful that my health has been holding up pretty well considering that I am still trying to network to find a doctor.The romance part of my life still sucks, but that's even ok. At this point in my life, I feel like I need to upgrade. No, not upgrade my choice of men but myself. So, all in all, I can't say that 2010 didn't treat me well. It was the year of reclaiming my independence.

It's 2011, what are my plans? As I said before, I am going to take the time to upgrade me. I already know it's going to be a work in progress. I will continue to reach my goal of getting my hearing aids. I already have appointments lined up for that this month. Once I get that taken care of, I would like to either find a job or get some type of training. I want to get out of the rut of being in the house day in and day out. As much as I like to help others when I can, I am going to start putting myself first. I think in a way, this has kind of held me back in some things. I just feel the urge for change in my life. It's like I am craving it. Knowing that when I accomplish these goals I have set for myself, I will be a much happier person.

I spent 2010, licking my wounds and picking up the pieces of my heart from a bad relationship. The trade was getting an apartment and regaining my independence. I am dedicating 2011 to myself. It will be the year of upgrading Michelle. I know I have earned it. I sure as hell deserve it. More than anything, I owe it to myself.

 

 

The Dating Game......I give up.

| 75 Comments

These days all you see on tv is dating reality shows. They make it seem so easy. You live in a nice mansion for a few months in hopes of trying to get your man or woman. Supposedly by the end of those months, the person falls in love. If only it was that easy.

Since the break up, I have thrown my hat in the dating game. I have a profile on Poz Personals as well as a few other sites. I have found them all to be a bit disappointing to be honest. For one, if you can't post a pic or even take the time to complete your profile then what is the use of having one?

 A pic would be nice so I have an idea of what the person looks like that I am communicating with. Not to be mean, but I am not trying to meet up with someone who looks like Flava Flav. Or something out of a horror movie. I usually just breeze past those or ignore them if they send me anything. I mean it's not like I am asking for their life story, just the basics.

I try to be as thorough as I can in mine including mentioning the fact that I am hearing impaired. Yet still I have replies asking me to call them? Hello? Didn't they even take the time to read my profile?  When this happens I'll send back a reply saying I don't talk on the phone, I text. I must admit it irritates me because it makes me feel like the person did not take the time to read my profile.

What really pisses me off to no end is the men who seems to think after the first date that I am suppose to willingly want to have sex .As they say in the hood, "A man can sleep around and be considered a hero but if a woman does it she's a zero."  I know it is 2010 but I am from the old school. Just because my profile says that I am not looking for a relationship does not mean that I am looking for a one night stand. It makes me wonder if this is the reason they might have gotten infected in the first place.

With that being said, I have given up on dating. I have decided if anything, it has made me see just how much I miss my ex. Since we will never get back together, this girl's best friend is not diamonds but instead my vibrator and some double A batteries.

What is it all about?

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I guess this is an addition to the last entry that I wrote, kind of an update of sorts. I have received a couple of responses. Thank you to those who commented, I appreciate your support.

A few things have come to me through the grapevine about my ex. It makes me sad that he can be so juvenile about things. For one, he has lied on me about some things. I don't understand why. I think he did it hoping the person he told would not talk to me anymore. What I don't understand is why he is going out his way to do these things. It's not like I broke up with him, he broke up with me.

I was starting to feel like there must be something wrong with me. That the break up was all my fault. I see now that there isn't anything wrong with me. It's him, he has his issues. I guess putting me down makes him feel like a big man. It's things like this that makes me feel glad that the relationship did come to an end.

And the tears finally came. I think I needed a good cry, a goodbye cry is what I am calling it. Sort of a cleansing of my spirit, the beginning of moving on with my life. I still have not given up hope as far as finding my soulmate. I believe he is out there somewhere, he just has to find me. And I will be waiting........

 

Why Me?

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Here I go again. Another relationship bites the dust. I am not here to talk shit on him though I could but it wouldn't make me feel any better. It would probably make me look bitter which is what I am not. Hurt, yes, who wouldn't be?  I feel more hurt because he was not man enough to tell me himself. He had to have someone else do it. I didn't think our fight warranted a break up. I am hurt because I believed all those things he said, like we would grow old together or despite our arguements we would overcome them. More importantly he said he loved me. I guess it all was a lie on his part. We have been through so much, who would've thought something so trivial would break us up. I know we both said a lot in anger but who knew it would end like this.

I am proud of myself for not shedding a tear though my heart feels like it has been ripped out my chest and stomped on. I can't help but love him, I invested two years into our relationship. I am trying to move on. I have put an ad on a few dating sites but honestly I am not feeling it. I don't want to open myself up for another man to break my heart. I know I should not hold what my ex did against the next man. But it is so hard to trust someone else after this. They say time heals all wounds and hopefully my broken heart will mend......in time.

The Trip Home.....

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I believe that things happen for a reason, especially in my life, even the bad things. I believe they happen either because there is a lesson to be learned or to make me stronger. Towards the end of my stay at the shelter, I ended up inheriting some money that my adopted mother left me in her will.

It couldn't have come at a better time considering where I was. It was also about the time I was looking for an apartment. I found one in a nice neighborhood and put a deposit down on it. I got the apartment. Since I had gotten this little piece of change, plus knowing my son was out of bootcamp, I decided to take a trip back home. He was the main reason for my trip. I hadn't seen my son since he went to prison two years ago. But I also wanted to spend time with my oldest sister and visit friends.

When I first laid eyes on my son, my eyes started to tear up. Gone was the little boy that I once knew. He stood before me now a young man. I just wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. Of course, I had to get pictures. What touched me was the fact that he made it a point to see me every day while I was there. He was the highlight of my trip.

While I was home, I stayed with my oldest sister. Of course, she had to fill me in on the rest of the family. Especially the sister, I don't get a long with. I had already had it in my mind to be civil towards her. She called while I was there, we spoke. During the conversation, I even invited her to come over, trying to bury the hatchet. She said she would but she never did. Honestly, I wasn't surprised when she didn't show. I tried to be the bigger person and made the effort. Some people never change no matter how many years go by. It a shame when a person never changes. When everyone can see it but the person who needs to change.

A couple of my friends live by my sister including my bff. I decided to see them. My one girlfriend didn't even recognize me. I wasn't expecting her to because I had lost weight since I last saw her. I had dressed girly,had make up on, and was carrying a purse. Not in a pair of jeans, a white t-shirt, and some sneakers. That was how everyone was use to seeing me. All I received was compliments on how good I looked. Or how New York must be agreeing with me. I must admit it made me feel like a million bucks.

As much as I enjoyed my trip back home, I was missing being in New York. I had a nice time. I might still go back one day.......

 

Expect the Unexpected...The Update

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Hmm, as long as I have been blogging, I always have a hard time starting my entries. I often forget that people actually read my blogs until recently. I received an email from Oriol who works for Poz. He forwarded an email that was written to him from someone who had been following my blog. The person was concerned about me. It touched me to know that someone who knows nothing about me could actually care.

Yep, expect the unexpected, that has been happening to me a lot lately. I finally have found an apartment. All the paperwork has been done. I am just waiting on it to get inspected next week. Thank the Goddess for that. For a minute there, I thought I might have been on my way back to Erie, feeling like a failure. Instead, I will be out shopping for appliances and new furniture.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it or not but the court situation turned out good as well. We both decided to drop our orders against each other. We both agreed it wasn't worth the stress or aggravation. I was totally blown away by this but also felt blessed by the unexpected turn of events. Truly, it felt as if a weight had been lifted.

My last day at the shelter was suppose to have been April 26th but I was granted an extension. I will be allowed to stay until the paperwork is completed for the apartment. These six months of being homeless has been long,hard, and frustrating.  It caused me to become depressed but it also made me humble. More importantly, it has showed me just how strong I can be.

I'm not in Kansas anymore folks...

| 4 Comments

I know many are curious about the title. It's kinda a private joke pertaining to where I am from compared to New York. There are so many differences between the two that it makes me feel country, like I am from Mayberry. And if I look further down the road, I will see Andy and Opie..*lol*... Things are so different that sometimes I have to joke from keeping myself from crying. But despite my sacrifices, I still fell in love with New York.

As far as my living arrangements, I am still in a domestic violence shelter. In an undisclosed location. My time is almost up here and I still haven't found housing. I am suppose to look at a place on Monday. I am hoping I will get it. If I don't I can see myself falling into a depression. It has happened already, a few days ago. I have a psychiatrist that I see. I would say she helps, it helps to talk to someone who is not biased. But I feel that is not helping so much anymore. It kinda just feels like a pep talk. Just a feeling of being placated.

I have yet to connect with any type of hiv doctors. I have gotten bloodwork back, it's just been hard getting the results. Last time viral load and cd4 was mentioned to me, it was 525/59,000. It has kind of been put on the back burner because I am focused on trying to get new hearing aids.

I have to remind myself that everything here has a process. The process is slow. Back home things move a whole lot faster just minus the benefits. The doctors I have seen since being here actually act like they care. Back home, you feel more like a number and their bedside manner sucks. Get you in and get you out, sort of like a factory line. Now where is the love in that?

My adopted mother passed last year. She passed the day after my father's birthday. I'd like to think  that they spent his birthday together. Due to my beliefs, I'd like to think that my father was the one to help her crossover. Both their ashes are spread across Lake Erie. I didn't find out til three months after her death. I felt guilty about that because I had not seen or spoke to her in years. Not since we buried my father. I hate myself for that.

I'd like to think they are watching over me. And when I feel like giving up and cutting my loses, it's their voices I hear. Nudging me forever, giving me the strength to go on.

Wishing for a happily ever after....

| 10 Comments
I have been wondering how to write about this entry for the longest time. I have often put it off because I didn't want to look stupid. But I know now that this is something that I need to talk about.

 I think I mentioned in my last entry that it is over between me and the man that I moved to New York to be with. I was hoping to have the happily ever after that most of my friends seem to have. Instead it turned out to be an episode from Jerry Springer. Honestly, it was even worse, it was a nightmare or even worse....HELL.

When I first moved to New York to be with him, I was happy. No more having to worry about disclosing my status or worrying about being rejected because of it. I had a ready made family, his daughter and his grand daughter. No problems there, we got a long just fine. I was even enjoying playing the role of being the step-grandmother.

We would do things together like most couples. But a month later things started to change. He started becoming jealous for no reason. He knew that I didn't know anyone else in New York. Or even how to get around on my own. It didn't matter, I was often accused of cheating on him with men online. Not just any men or dating sites but men I had made friends with in the Poz forums. I tried to explain that the forums is where I would get my support. And the men he was accusing me of cheating on him with were GAY men. No matter how many times I tried to explain this to him, it always ended up leading to an argument.

Or it would just come down to him picking a fight for no reason. It didn't matter where we were. Most of the time, we were out in public. He didn't seem to care that it embarrassed me. It got to the point that I didn't even want to go anywhere with him. But even with staying home, the fights just got worse. The fights started becoming physical. The end result being I ended up with a fractured wrist. Even then I tried to be the bigger person and move past it. There was no moving past it. I just got tired of the fighting, tired of always having to explain myself, and tired of being told "I can get the fuck out of his house". I knew then things were not going to get any better, so I left. Which meant that I was now in a big city all alone, homeless.

I ended up in a women's shelter in Brooklyn. Not the greatest of places, it reminded me of a jail but at least I was away from the violence. I wanted to ensure my safety so I went and filed an order of protection against him. I was wrong, it didn't make me safer..It made me more of a victim to his abuse. He knew where I was because the order had the shelter's address on it. The next thing I knew, I was getting text messages from him. The messages saying that he was a Latin King and he would kill me. And if my son ever came to New York, he would kill him too. I was now scared but also pissed off. Pissed off because this man had the nerve to threaten my son. My son who had no idea at the time what was going on.

I saved the threatening text messages and called the police. A report was filed and the case assigned to a detective. I met with the detective, we talked. He told me what my options were. I had him arrested in December. It was only for 24 hours. I was hoping it would let him see just how serious I was about not wanting anything to do with him. All it did was piss him off even more.

The next thing I knew, I was now being served by the police with papers to appear in court. He lied, flipped everything around saying that I threatened his life. And with those lies,A the court granted him an order of protection against me. This time the man manipulated the courts to victimize me. The horror of it all is that he was able to get away with it.

And all I ever wanted from the very beginning of it all, was my own Happily Ever After.... I haven't given up hope. I will still have it. I refuse to give him the power to take that away from me.

The Drama of it all.......

| 1 Comment

I guess it is time for another entry.One of the reasons I decided to blog was to use blogging as a sort of therapy. And I still feel that some where out there someone who can relate. I have a lot of pent up anger about so many things.

 

I think the last entry I wrote about moving to New York. So, I'll pick it up from there I suppose. I finally moved to the Big Apple on September 1st of last year. One of the things about this place that grabbed me is it's diversity. Everytime I step out the door I try to soak it all up but it's just impossible. It would be an instant overload.

 I am also learning that to live in New York, you have to have a whole lot of patience. I hate to say it but patience is not one of my strongsuits. Things move slow here as far as trying to handle personal business. What use to take say a week back home now takes almost a month to get done here. I am constantly reminding myself that I am not in control of all things.

 I am that type of person when I want some thing, I want it now. I don't like waiting in line at grocery stores. And speaking of grocery stores, they deliver. I almost fainted when I went to the grocery store the first time with my boyfriend. And I spotted diversity once again. I found it in the isles of the store. I now find myself experiencing different taste from Mexican to Thai. So now I like being in the grocery stores.

 Though the trains and subway stations may be filled with graffiti, I have fallen in love with them. I can get on a train to go just about anywhere. I haven't mastered them yet. I even got lost on them a few times. But even with being lost, I enjoyed the ride.

Speaking of rides, my boyfriend, (the one I moved to New York to be with)definitely took me on a ride. I won't go into details but he is now my ex. The drama so thick you could cut it with a knife. I left him to regain my sanity. I still plan on living in New York, picking up the pieces of my life and moving on.

I don't consider the break-up as being defeated. If anything it has made me stronger. It has showed me just how much I can take. It has made me a survivor.

 

Adjusting but I love New York!!!

| 5 Comments

I am finally in New York. I have been here for three weeks now. I kinda feel like Eva or was it Zsa Zsa Gabor from Green Acres. Except I am from a small city and moved to an even bigger city.

 

I must admit that when I came here it was definitely a shock to my system. I had never seen so many people. And such diversity that it was mind blowing. There is always something to do here. Unlike back home where you pretty much had to entertain yourself. I immediately knew I was going to love this place.

 

There are some things that I don't like as well. The people here always seem to be in a hurry as if they're in a race to see who can get to the finish line first. And you will get pushed or shoved if you are in their way without even saying "Excuse Me".  Simply put, they're rude and lack manners. My bf included but I have been working on him. I am sure he reverts back to being just as rude when I am not around.

 

Before anyone leaves me rude comments, let me just say this is what I have come across so far. I am sure there are friendly, polite New Yorkers out there. I just haven't come across them yet. Despite their rudeness, I have learned that New Yorkers can also be quite entertaining especially on the subways. I have been seranaded a few times already.

 

But compared to where I use to live in Pennsylvania, New York is like being on another planet. Things are just so different here including the services HIV people can get. Back home it is so limited and only one place that helps positive people. But with their funding being cut, there is only so much that place can do. In New York, it's like places go out of their way to help.

 

In closing, I have definitely weighed the pros and the cons of living here in New York. Yeah, the people may be a little rude but I can adjust to that. All in all, I feel that I made the right decision in moving here. Not just because of my bf but because of the opportunities that are available to me here. I don't feel like I am just going through the motions anymore. I feel like I have been injected with life, if that makes sense. I guess what I am saying is that since being here, I feel more alive. No wonder people love this place. I have taken a small bite out of the Big Apple and I want more!

 

 



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